Ain't Got No/I Got Life

ain't got no cash,
ain't got no shoes,
ain't got no bus pass,
ain't got no bread,
ain't got no work clothes,
ain't got no computer,
ain't got no ipod,
ain't got no umbrella,
ain't got no rent checks,
ain't got no skype,
ain't got no medicine,
ain't got no contacts,
ain't got no conditioner,
ain't got no milk,
ain't got no socks,
ain't got no razors,
ain't got no underwear,
ain't got no birth control pill,
ain't got no eyes on me (that means respect from the kids I teach)
ain't got no dentist
ain't got no christmas gifts
ain't got no winter boots
ain't got no bike
ain't got no lingerie
ain't got no long distance plan
ain't got no 20-20 vision


I got my head
I got my hands
I got my mind
I got my feet
I got my tits
I got my mouth
I got my hair
I got my sense of humour
I got my shimmy
I got my blog
I got my friends
I got my room
I got my hat
I got my ears
I got my EG
I got my songs
I got my books
I got my vibrator
I got my script
I got my voice
I got my memories
I got my ass
I got my plans
I got my tea
I got my mom
I got my dreams

I got life
life
life
life
LIFE!

Nothing but Sex/Christmastime is Here!

I suck for not blogging. I know this. And I'm ashamed to say, there's not much to say. I love my English Gentleman. Do you think it's easy to be far away from him? The answer is no, it is not easy. Do I talk about him all the time? Yes. Do I think about him all the time? Yes. Have I become a slightly one dimensional character because of this? Yes, I think so. Would I give any of it up for anything? No.

Do I still hate money? Yes. Do I still need it? Yes.

Do I love performing? Yes. And getting better at it all the time? Yes.

Do I like flirting with my girlfriends? Yes. Wait, I think this is new. Well, I have this thing where I flirt with my girlfriends. And by girlfriends, I mean just one friend. It's hot. Because she is. (giggle giggle!!)

Can I wait until EG gets here? NO!!!

Enough with the question answer thing Alathariel.

I'm planning a HUGE surprise for my man. Involving Food Sex and Football. It's called My English Gentleman's Great Canadian Food Sex and Football Christmas Adventure. I start with a song, then I show him the introduction booklet, then I give him the packages by section. Starting with food. I show him the menus for Chez Alathariel which includes about 30 dishes I now can make. There are also take out menus, and a list of cool restaurants we can go to whenever he wants. And there will be a list of pubs that show his games. Which brings us to football! I will have a schedule of all the games he can watch as well as the list of pubs where he can watch them and I will also wake up to print out all the sports updates from skysportsnews.com or something. Which brings us to the funnest of all! SEX! There will be Kama Sutra books, a book called Yoga for Lovers (because he started doing Yoga with his housemate, cutest thing ever!), and a wide arrangement of necessary supplies. And here's the best of the best. EG likes surprises, so I'm putting together a mystery sex bag! Inside will be handcuffs, a blindfold, coupons, position ideas, roleplaying ideas, costumes, a whip, a vibrator, and anything else amazing I can think of. I'M SO EXCITED!

***

My new roommates are HILARIOUS. They're ninjas. This is the ninja house. But don't tell them that, it's so ninja, they don't even know it's called that.

In the Ninja House, it's already Christmastime. We put up the tree today because there won't be time later! I was so happy!!! Christmas can't come quick enough.

An Adult Now

I don't believe it myself.

I'm using jargon.

I'm using the word jargon.

I'm speaking to doctors and requesting information.

I'm contacting the purolator people to quabble about cheques.

I'm printing cheques.

I'm a witness.

I'm wearing a pencil skirt and tights and I have make up on.

I'm faxing.

I'm wanting to kill the printer.

I know what a civil litigator is.

I'm using letterheads.

I have office voice mail and a work email address.

I'm typing cover letters.

I have a coffee mug.

I gossip with the receptionist.

I say things like "I'm gonna skip lunch and head out early."

I call important people and say "Hello, this is Alathariel calling from Mr Lawyer Boss's office, I'm wondering if it's possible to reschedule your meeting with Mr Lawyer Boss from November second to anytime after the 7th? On the 12th? Preferably in the morning? That's fine, thank you!"

I'm in an office, at a desk, on a giant mac!

I'm blogging while at work.

yup. I'm an adult now.

Englishtastic

Seriously. I mean, people make jokes that I only love EG because of his accent (and height and gorgeousity) and I brush them off because it's not true. I love him for his ideas, his voice, his eyes, his passion, his creativity, his appreciation of me, his appreciation of all things amazing, he love of sex, his love of football, his penis in my vagina, his need to travel and learn, his need to be a Buddhist monk but with me there so we can "break the rules together." Everything about him, I love. Everything. Well, not where he is when where he is is not where I am, but aside from geography, everything.

Though...he is English. And holy motherfucker is that sexy. Everything he says to me is heightened because of the accent. Like sweet things are a gazillion times sweeter when he says them and cool things are a gazillion times cooler and sexy things... oh man, just bend me over and fuck me mercilessly when EG starts to talk dirty. I can't take it.

I was just in a girly discussion about dirty discussion. A friend tells me that she loves the dirty talk. And I mean filthy. And not just the talk but stuff too. Filthy stuff. Aaaaand, it turns out the conversation itself was turning me on, so I thought I'd better talk about it with my man. So I did. I said a friend gave me courage to ask him to do stuff that I'd like to try. And the second he said "like what?" I got nervous. Well, I was at a bus stop so I really couldn't say stuff. But I hinted until he got really impatient and then I hinted a little more strongly until he guessed some of the things. And then there was silence. And then he said "I could do that." And just as I was getting worried he was turned off by my wanting that, he said "I love that you want that. That is so sexy." And then, and this is my favourite part, he said "you're in big trouble."

And I think I died. He kept trying to tell me he was serious and that I should live my last few months without him as if they were the last in my life because I was going to "get it" when he gets here. hee hee!!! I'm so excited.

part 2

I just saw Across the Universe and am now in love with Jude. Fucking sexy. Singing with a Liverpool accent is sex on a stick.

There's something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover.

Big Blonde and Beautiful

I want to be black. Now. Someone make it happen.

I love being called "a truly amazing woman." By a man. By an English man. By an English man who I love and think is also a truly amazing woman. But not woman. Man. English man. You get it.

Slice off a piece of that hog head cheese
Then take a look inside my book of recipes
Now, don't you sniff around for something fluffy and light
I need a man who brings a man-size appetite!

Singing and dancing and loving fat women and black women alike makes me feel wonderful.

Isn't it funny that wrists gross me out but touching my own eyeball doesn't make me flinch in the least?

Why doesn't everyone have a massage chair.

I am thankful for being home. And I am thankful for having met EG. And I am thankful for theatre. And I am thankful for my friends. And I am thankful for Spaghetti Bolognaise. And I am thankful for Hairspray. And I am thankful for teenage hearthrob Zac Efron.

Suddenly, after turkey tonight, I'm in the mood for green chicken curry coconut soup.

I hope my new room will be sufficiantly purple. Like the apartment I imagine Neenia and I living in.

If I didn't have to play a poor drug addict, I would be so incredibly proud of my body right now.

I offer big love with no apology
How can I deny the world the most of me?

Pukey

Skinny Rabbit wants me to move to England. Is that because he doesn't want me near him? Or because he believes in Love?

I believe in a thing called love. Though, not so much in that song, it got old fast. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.

Are you throwing up yet?

The other day I said something lovely (as usual) on the phone to EG and he said "Oh, Alathariel, why do you love me so?" (Really, this is how he talks.) And I said "I don't know," but then I listed all the reasons that I frequently give all of you. He loves that I love him. He has a big ego that needs to be massaged a lot. I like being the one to massage it. I like making him happy.

You know what makes me happy? When he says my name. I used to think it sounded funny because my real name has an "r" sound at the end and those Englishmen like to not pronounce those kinds of things. But now, I love love love it when he says my name. I was in a cab once talking to him and he said it and I said "I love that, say it again." And when he did, I giggled, of course. So he said it again. And I giggled again. And then he wouldn't stop saying it and man did I ever get excited. It's embarrassing to get that horny in a cab. As if the driver could see me blushing or hear my heart pounding in the crouded nighttime traffic jam.

***

I need to lose weight.

I need to eat.

The solution?

Working out?

Throwing up?

Both?

I try not to eat after 6pm and then my new ninja roommate serves me saussages and cheese at midnight. I now love him.

I try to walk everywhere only to learn that that burns nothing and I cannot lose weight, I just get blisters. At least I'm not polluting.

I try to eat often but small portions. But you can't make small portions of spaghetti. Ooh...I have leftover spaghetti at home...

I try to eat three solid meals a day. Big breakfast, medium lunch, small or no dinner. Who the fuck can wake up at 6am and cook a huge breakfast and stomach it? Not moi!

I try to eat well and get outside and be active. I've been doing that for...a week now. And I want results! Where are my results!

I need instant gratification, por favor! I need to fit into hot things now! I need to start purging everything I binge! It can't be that bad for you! I need to spend all my money on some form of drug that makes me feel full, taste things like cheese and chocolate and steak, lose weight and be fit.

OR

I need a personal...person. If I had a personal person to tell me what to do all the time and help me do it (i.e. eat 5 small meals and then make me the meals) then I'd do it! And I'd have someone to talk to all the time. I get strangely lonely when I'm alone. Even for a short amount of time. I think being alone under willow trees for a year took a lot out of me. Anyway, someone send me a personal person to make me do stuff. Then my body will drive you wild with desire.

As if it doesn't now...

Untitled

My heart hurts with lack of English Gentleman. It's a disease. It must be cured. It will be on December the 14th, so I have to stay strong until then. There are a few treatments until then. The first is theatre and I'm about to sink my teeth into the best role I could ever get in musical theatre. The second is chocolate and I will keep a large supply of the dark stuff for emergencies (it'll be gone by next week). The third is friends and they've already kept me happy and sane. God I love them.

In other news, it seems as though my life is coming together in a way I've been hoping it would for a while. I'm going to be an assistant in a very cool lawyer's office, I'll be babysitting a couple days a week which actually pays a fortune, and I'll be teaching 4 ish classes a week. "Ish" because I think I'll only be assisting in 2 of them. I'm rehearsing for a musical, like I said the best part ever, and I'm co-putting on a burlesque show. I'm doing a kids birthday party this weekend (Anne of Green Gables themed) which will get me started in the department of doing kids birthday parties.

Hmm. Maybe it doesn't sound like much considering I want to be a movie star. I think I'm on my way though.

In the meantime, I have to fix this ache in my heart. Heartache I think it's called. It's hurting me and rendering me incapable of happiness when I'm alone. I hate being alone. I think I've grown allergic to it. I'm so done with it now. I'm so glad I have good company most of the time. I think I can't babysit every day as it's very lonely, even when the baby's awake and giggling. It just leaves me to my heartachy thoughts. And I have a lot of those. I don't think of much else when I'm alone. I hum to myself (to the tune of "Once Upon a Dream" from Sleeping Beauty) and think "EG is hot, EG is great, I love EG. The next time he comes here he will fuck me in this or that position and then I'll cook him breakfast. And I'm going to wear purple flowers in my hair at our wedding and our babies will be named Sebastian and Isabella.."

Should I move to England? I believe I have him wrapped around my little finger, so I think we'll end up here, but before that...before he's finished school, like next spring...should I move to England? Get a role in the West End while he becomes a sports psychologist? We could have a flat in London. Just the two of us. Ruling London town. Then we go to Toronto together, I get my theatre up and running and my TV show gets picked up and he can play for the Toronto FC.

"Are you an idiot?"
"No sir, I'm a dreamer."

The Life of the Party

I have to copy the Prince a little here. Needs vs Wants and so on...

"The Life of the Party" is...I think opposite of me.

Who needs money?
Not me.
Who needs fortune or fame?
I don't need a new career,
A sympathetic ear,
A name.

Okay, I do. I need all of those things. To survive? No, of course, I don't need any of those things.
But who's living just to survive? Can I meet those people and pinch them? I need those things to do what I want to do, to be where I want to be!

All I need is time to play,
Only want the game.

Listen, Kate from The Wild Party the Off-Broadway version, you can have all the time in the world to play, but how are you going to survive? I know you're not living just for survival, neither am I, don't lecture me. But survival is still an integral part of life. If you want to live you have to survive.

Point me to the mic
I know what I like!

Okay, that rhymes, that's why that's in there. But I do like the mic. So the song isn't my opposite. But mostly.

Who needs lovers?
Not I.
Who needs heaven above?
Don't have time for things unsaid,
For baking bread,
For love.

Okay, I'm starting to realise that, yeah, this Kate character is the life of the party, but I guess the play is trying to show that she's shallow. I hope anyway. I hope nobody expects me to not need lovers and heaven and mysteries and bread and love.

Love, bread, things unsaid, heaven, lovers--those things are the life of the party!

A name, a sympathetic ear, a new career, fame, fortune, money--icing, I guess? Well, I like icing, and I need it on my birthday cake.

Bodderfucker!

I'm sick.

I have an audition that I was very excited for and now my throat hurts and my nose is stuffed!!!

Why???

Lovesick!

So!!! I've been skimping on the deets lately. I don't know what to say to fill everyone in, but I know what to say about right now and must get it out!

EG just called me and said, "Okay, Alathariel. Do you still think I'm wonderful?" And I said "Of course I do! You're amazing!" And then he said, "And do you still want to see me?" And I said "Yes, I do!" And then he said "Well, I want to see you again. So let's do this. Let's make it happen."

And so we planned.

He said that we work the same way: we do what our hearts tell us to do and then we make our brains catch up.

I love him. I love love love him.

I'm (money pending) going to see him at the end of October, beginning of November ish and he's coming for Christmas. I think for two and a half weeks.

At one point, he said "You seem pretty chill." And I said "Well, I'm really excited, you're making me so happy but I'm not surprised." And I'm not. I knew he'd want to see me. I was already looking up prices to go see him and for him to come to me for Christmas.

I've been hungry for hours now and I can't eat. Can't-eat-can't-sleep-shout-it-from-rooftops kind of love!!!

I asked him what brought this on and he said his friend (Frenchie's lovah) got home today and he hugged him for a long time. And they went out for drinks and talked a lot and he really missed me but it didn't make him sad, it made him excited. Because he knew he wanted to see me again and that he could do that. God, he loves me so much it's disgusting. He makes kissy noises into the phone! Even I don't do that! Then he says "you've reduced me to a fucking chick!"

We ended the conversation like this "EG, just go to sleep now (it was really late for him) and don't be sad, you can dream about me so you won't be alone. I'll even go to bed early so I can dreamwalk and we can see each other!" And he laughed really hard and said "Oh Alathariel, you truly are a superstar."

Back to Feet

You know what whomps? When you spend a lot of time having wicked hot sex and then it gets taken away from you.

I have to get back on my feet now, but they've been up over my head for so long, I don't know if I can do it.

a Mark a Yen a Buck or a Pound

Money money money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world

Who is this rich man who laughs at my troubles?

I need to find him so I can kick him in the nuts.

tit for tat

He gave me a witch book. Like a magic book. A witch encyclopedia. How well does he know me? Well, I guess it doesn't take much to know that I like magic. But how well does he embrace who I am?!?!?! Very well. Obviously. Plus, he bought a guitar in the States, and he's leaving it with me.
He gave me a book and a guitar.
Know what I gave him? Gastric Flu.
And he's still here.
Go figure.
He must love me.

Moments to Come

This is it. This is my last night in Switzerland. How do I feel? I don't really know. How am I supposed to feel? I feel strange. I feel very excited about what's coming but I feel strange about this moment.



It's really hard to live in the moment. It's like the most common peice of advice but it's practically impossible. If I were to live in the moment, I wouldn't be too happy! I'm just getting over gastric flu which means I'm hungry but I'm bloated so I don't have the skinniness that usually comes with illness. I'm at an internet cafe where the chair is really uncomfortable. The things I have to be happy about are coming up. Like I'm about to have a nice goodbye with my friend here. We're going to the lake for my last view of Evian and I'm sure our talk will be girly. I'm going to have a fun last night with the family when I get home, we'll possibly play Scene It Friends Edition and I'll kick everyone's asses proving that I'm awesome even when sick. Then tomorrow is the big goodbye, I get a 9 hour plane ride, then annoying American customs, then I get to see my beloved much missed cousin and then I get to have wicked sex with EG and then go into Manhattan and see Miss Pants! So I'm happy, but not in the moment. Is that okay?

Sexual Healing

Sooooooooo I'm going home!

I'm going to make sweet sweet love to my English Gentleman!

I love him so much it's disgusting. But it's not disgusting. It's delicious!

AND! I get to see everyone at home again!!!!!! Too much joy!!!

2 Hot 2 Handle

Haha, I had a tape called 2 Hot 2 Handle and it had songs like "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi and "Pina Coladas" by Rupert Holmes. Oh, that's funny.

So here are some things I can't handle:

1) I went to Gruyère on Saturday. Um. Hello amazing. The castle gave me at least eleven orgasms. The Giger museum and cafe were, like, sicatatingly genius. Quite sick, because I'm pretty sure the guy's a sicko. But like artsy. And also delicious because the Alien Cafe I drank was to die for and gave me a few more orgasms. You get to dip merangues (sp), berries, and a cookie in double cream and put some of the cream in the coffee itself. I'm drooling. Then we had fondue. Shut up. I can't even talk about the fondue. Plus, it was super fun company and we were laughing constantly. We discovered Pteryducktls. Don't ask.

2) My friend once said "aww, that whomps" and I laughed really hard, because it's a funny sounding word, don't you think? So, re-reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, I remembered the Whomping Willow. So I came up with this phrase: "Aww, that whomps like the willow!" I don't really expect it to catch on, but I really want it to and I'm going to try my best to force it into everyone's vernacular. (Is that the right word? I know it from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...)

3) Oh English Gentleman. My facebook status right now says that I'm banging my head against the wall, wishing I was banging it against something else. EG messages me to ask "out of interest, are you now at the stage where you would bang against anything else, or are you holding out?" I said "I'm holding out. I was going to make say '...banging a certain English Gentleman' but I thought you'd appreciate a little discretion." And I told him I wasn't even attracted to anyone else except for Ron Weasley, who, in my head, looks like a ginger EG. I wrote about other stuff, then I said "and I know I said I didn't want to know but...just out of interest, how about you?" And he said "there's been no one else X."

In case anyone needs reminding. I love him.

Homeless in March

Remember when my BF told me that he didn't want to live with me anymore and I felt homeless? That was in March.

Oh Yeah

And I just realised that I didn't even post the song I wrote after I was told I was homeless around March. Here it is:

Have you ever learned
That you're the same as everyone else
You have the same problems as everyone else
Your story's been told before?
Have you ever learned
That all of it's bound to happen to you
Boy meets girl heartache will happen to you
There's nothing you can do.

I wanted to think I was all alone
I wanted to think that my love was extrordinary
But it's ordinary baby

I'm not the only one
Who wants storybook romance
I want the "can't eat, can't sleep,
Shout it from rooftops" kind of love
I am ashamed to be so common
But I can't help but wish
For a knight in shining armour

I've always believed
That when I found someone to love
I would be his someone to love
It could be that easy.
I've always believed
Even though romance isn't real
Even though fantasies aren't real
That I could be satisfied.

I got a taste of the fantasy
I found out what it would be like if I had something more
Now I want something more.

I'm not the only one
Who wants storybook romance
I want the "can't eat can't sleep
Shout it from rooftops" kind of love
I am ashamed to be so common
But I can't help but wish
For a knight in shining armour.

Are you scared like every other boy?
You thought you were such an individual.
You have to keep one foot out the door
You're worried that you're missing something better
But baby you are
You're missing me!

I feel like I'm watching a movie
And everybody's screaming at the screen
"You want her you need her you love her"
Don't you want the Hollywood ending?
You could live happily ever after with me!

I know what's inside you
I wish you'd wake up and see it too
But I don't want pressure to pour down on you
So I can wait a while.
I know what's inside you
It wasn't hard to figure it out
Because you're the same as everyone else
You're ordinary.

I'm not the only one
Who wants storybook romance
I want the "can't eat can't sleep
shout it from rooftops" kind of love
I am ashamed to be so common
But I can't help but wish
For a knight in shining armour.


There. It's kinda cheesy, in true Mermaid fashion. But I really like it. It's a 50s doo wop song. I sang it for EG, like I said before, and tried to explain that he's my knight in shining armour without making him gag on the cheese. I think don't give him enough credit though. I think he likes cheese a little. I think he likes that I'm sicatatingly in love with him. I don't think I'll scare him away unless I accidentally mention the wedding I've been planning or the possible names of our children.

Not So Cool

I really want to cry. Most of the time these days. Living without the contact I'm needing is slowly killing me. I say slowly because I'm clearly not dead yet, but it actually feels quick.

I missed a call from EG the other night. I missed three calls, actually. But they weren't missed calls. They were calls. In my sleep, I answered and hung up because I must have thought it was my alarm going off. Want the worst part? The part that shows everyone how incredibly lame I really am? Well, in the morning, when I saw that he had called, I tried to see what time, and it only showed me the date of the day before. Which means it was before midnight. So, being an incredible fucking geek, I fell asleep right when the sun went down and thought that something earlier than 11:59pm was somewhere near 6am. I have hated myself since that morning. And he hasn't called back since.

I'm going to see him on the 26th. From the 26th, to the 11th. And Bedroom Prince has been so kind to say we can have sex in his bed. But in my current state, I'm finding it very difficult not to think of the gap between the 11th and the mystery date that is the next time we will see each other. Whether or not he will lose interest in me by then. It's actually tearing me up because my hippie side is not worried about that at all. I have 2 sides (duh). One is afraid to use the word love and afraid not to use it at the same time. The other side doesn't really know what that word means and uses it or doesn't use it at any given time. The scared side thinks I'm not pretty enough for him, that I'm punching above my weight. The hippie side is absolutely convinced he's madly in love with me and completely enchanted by everything about me.

Both sides of me are ready to see him now.

Ready to see everyone now, for that matter.

Wimbledon

Is it wrong that I liked that movie?

Is it obvious why I liked it? Absolutely. Here's why, in case it's not obvious to you. It's about a sexy English tennis player who hooks up with an American chick. Now, I'm not saying I'm American, but you can see how it's similar to my life.

They started out saying it was "just fun" keeping it "relaxed and light." EG and I never actually said those words, but in a one night stand, that's pretty much the plan anyway. Then they accidentally fell in love. Sigh. There were some pretty cool moments, too, that made me sigh-y and wistful. Like, she was really sceptical and didn't want to be in love because it was throwing off her game. But when she woke up and he wasn't there, she just felt wrong. That's EG. When I had to leave, he said his room felt wrong, and he was upset by that. "It's just my room," he said "it shouldn't feel wrong!" I loved it when he said that. I loved him. Still do. It's disgusting how much, really. Because I figured it out the other day. I love him more than I love chocolate. So that means I'm in big trouble. Because if he ever leaves me, I won't even have chocolate to console me.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, Wimbledon. Anyway, English dude is hot even though I didn't think so when I saw him in A Knight's Tale (he played Chausser) and I didn't think he'd be good at playing Dustfinger in the upcoming Inkheart, but now I do. He's a hottie. But not nehehearly as hot as my English Gentleman.

ps That "nehehearly" should be said by Dr. Cox from Scrubs.

Let It Rain

The sun is shining
The sky is blue
The moon's still up
But it's a quarter to 2
It's a lovely day
But I can't find you
So it might as well start raining.

I pick some flowers
For my hair
You're not here
To see them there
Now I look pretty
But that's not fair
So it might as well start raining.

I hold my breath
It's what I do
I close my eyes
And I think of you
I make a wish
But it can't come true
So it might as well start raining.

I look around
I walk along
I sit back down
And I write a song
It sounds alright
But it feels all wrong
So it might as well start raining.

I can make friends
With the Swiss
Side to side
We go kiss kiss kiss
But it's not love
It's friendliness
So it might as well start raining.

Rain on me
It's going on
Inside me anyway
I can't feel the sun
I can't enjoy this perfect day
I'm counting down the hours
Til you can see the flowers
In my hair
But til we're there
It might as well rain.

Human Again (Beauty and the Beast)

Just to copy Skinny Rabbit.

I've been non human I think. The amount of bittersweet misery I've been feeling has been kind of numb. Is that possible? To be numb about such an extreme feeling? I don't know. Maybe the misery made me numb. Anyway, within Switzerland, I moved. So I don't live in a faraway random alp valley, I live in a faraway random mountain town. I live on an alp. Just for a few weeks. The point is, my access to the internet and phone and therefore communication with everyone I know except my one friend here has been painfully limited. As in non-existant. I found a hella cheap internet cafe and can communicate again.

The problem is, there are stronger blocks than the mere tangible ones. I'm extremely unable to create these days. I suppose my journal entries are okay... Well, my main problem is that I can't write a song. EG has written me 2 more I think. Qu'est-ce que fuck? I've written 2 good songs in the 7 years since I've been writing songs. No, wait, 3. But I can't play one of them to him because it's on a piano. And I don't have a piano. And I sang it for him and he got upset because it was about someone else and he said I sang it with the same face as I sing songs for him. But I tried to explain that it really was about him, I just didn't know it. It was about my last when I was realising I wanted something more.

I'm not the only one
Who wants storybook romance
I want the can't eat, can't sleep,
Shout it from rooftops
Kind of love
I am ashamed to be so common
But I can't help but wish
For a knight in shining armour.

I told him he's what I wanted and I found him. But we were cooking when he said it upset him and when I tried to explain. So I'm not sure he was comforted. I fucking LOVE that he needs to be comforted. I fucking LOVE that it upset him that I sang about someone else. One time, we were talking about exes and he said "does it bother you when I talk about other girls? Because it was really bothering me when you were talking about other guys." Taken aback, I cried "why didn't you stop me?!" and he said "Because I want to know everything about you."

...what was I talking about? I'm lost in the perfection that is my English Gentleman.

He called my cell but it was Swiss Day, August 1st, and it was literally during fireworks so I missed 3 calls. I was devastated and didn't sleep at all that night. Then he called me back the following afternoon and I was so extremely excited I almost cried. I talked so fast and with such gusto that I'm sure he fell in love with me again. Then I felt amazing and found myself impervious to the rain. I realised I was a little bit dead for a week and I felt alive again. The death slowly returns, then I get a message from him, and I wake up anew. So it goes.

Hallows not Horcruxes

Um...best book ever. Best. There has never been a better book ever. So, the hype is absolutely deserved. In fact, I don't know if there was even enough hype. I have never read anything better than this. Am I making myself clear?

Antici...PATION

I think I've already used this title and the one before it, but they're absolutely necessary. Have I ever mentioned that I HATE SUSPENSE? I feel like I'm going to cry. My best friend and I, when we were kids, used to not be able to sleep on Christmas Eve. Just knowing that Santa was out there! Knowing that tomorrow everyone would be so happy opening their presents! Big family brunch! How could you possibly get any rest???

So tonight, just EIGHT hours away from opening Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the book I've been waiting for for 2 years, but really about 6 years, how does anyone expect me to sleep? It's impossible! I'm wide awake! That's why they put it out at midnight in MOST places, because no kid, or grown up for that matter, could sleep knowing it would be out the next day.

Two whole years of wondering where all the Horcruxes are. Two whole years of waiting for proof that Snape is good. SIX WHOLE YEARS of imagining the scene where Ron and Hermione express their undying love for each other.

You'd think, if I waited that long, I could wait another seven hours and forty five minutes...

Well, technically, I can wait, but what do I do til then??? Blog? Read erotic stories? Stalk people on facebook? Watch About A Boy a couple times? Write to EG three times? check, check, check, check, and check. NOW WHAT?

Fever

I honestly think I might have a heart attack or something before Harry Potter 7 comes out. It actually hurts not to have it. I accidentally read a really unreliable spoiler page. Well, I just read the first line. But it was enough to give me a heart attack. I don't believe it. It can't be true.

I need to read this book.

Stripped of My Creative Juices

Now I can't even blog properly because I just like lyrics that are already written. Here's "Despair in the Departure Lounge" by the Arctic Monkeys:

He's pining for her
In a people carrier
There might be buildings and pretty things to see like that
But architecture won't do
Although it might say a lot about the city or town
I don't care what they've got keep on turning them down
It don't say the funny things she does
Don't even try and cheer him up, because
It just won't happen

He's got the feeling again
This time on the aeroplane
There might be tellys in the back of the seats in front
But Rodney and Del won't do
Although it might take your mind off the aches and the pains
Laugh when he falls through the bar
But you're feeling the same
'Cause she isn't there to hold your hand
She won't be waiting for you when you land

It feels like she's just nowhere near
You could well be out on your ear
This thought comes closely followed by the fear
And the thought of it
Makes you feel a bit
Ill

Yesterday I saw a girl
Who looked like someone you might knock about with
And almost shouted
And then reality kicked in within us
It seems as we become the winners
You lose a bit of summat
And half wonder if you won it at all

And don't say 'owt 'cause you've got no idea
And she's still nowhere near
And the thought comes closely followed by the fear
And the thought of it
Makes you feel a bit...
Ill

Despair in the departure lounge
It's one and they'll still be around at three
No signal and low battery
What's happened to me

EG played that for me a lot when I was there. I fucking love him.

In My Head/Merry Melodies

Here's what's in my head right now:

EG, hot EG, gorgeous EG, funny EG, Ron and Hermione, Horcruxes, EG, EG, EG, love, love, love, holding hands, kebab, sexy EG, Toronto, showing lovely EG around Toronto, taking EG to Wonderland, Ron and Hermione, just seven more days, then 36 days after that til I see wonderful EG, parties with all my friends, Harry and Ginny, Voldemort, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, hot hot hot EG, Fred and George, Dumbledore, EG, England, Manchester United, EG at my house, EG in my bed, I don't have a bed, EG and me under a tree.

Isn't that facinating?

* * * * *

I'm trying to write a song. I'm not succeeding. Well, technically, I've written part of a song but it's not very good. It's okay...I dunno. I need the other Mermaid to help me out.

EG suggested some songs. And by "some" I mean all of his favourite songs. I like "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol a lot. I also like the Arctic Monkeys and the look on EG's face when he sings "Cigarette Smoke"--it makes me rocking yet in no time! The problem is, with all these incredibly apt songs, I can't write my own anymore! They've found better words and melodies to express how I feel! That's why I'm an actress. I can never find the right words, but other people can who can't say them. I can say them. And I do. Or will the next time I get the chance.

In the meantime, I just wish I could write EG a perfect song and cook him a perfect meal and that way I'll get to his heart through his ears and his stomach. I think I already made it to his heart...aww.

young love

my 16 yr old cousin, who up until 5 minutes ago, I could have sworn was around 13, is totally in love. like so much so that his facebook status, indeed, his entire facebook page, is all about how much he is in love. he loves his "shawna" and will forever and cannot get enough of her and wants to be with her all the time.

ain't it great?

Stupefy!

Just got back from seeing Harry Potter 5 at the cinéma in Lausanne. I was sitting in the front row with my arms crossed, shaking my head at the screen and sometimes mumbling "no" and "that's not right" and "what?"

Nevermind, I'm completely distracted by my Gentleman. He's so dirty and sweet at the same time. How is that possible?

Did I already mention one of my favourite parts of the week with him? I think I have to because it is one of my favourite parts of the week. On my last night, after a hellofalot of sex, I fell asleep and it was only 1am...sleeping is giving in...and he was watching me and then he woke me with a kiss. "You fell asleep," he said "and I got scared and had to wake you up." Is that not the sweetest thing in the world? "I thought, 'this is it, this is the last time I'm going to see her sleep' and I didn't want it to be over." I almost cried.

But seriously about Harry Potter. I saw the whole freaking book done perfectly in my head and they fucked it up royally! Who let them get away with it?!

Not at All

The title of this post is two-fold:
1) people keep asking me how I am. Well, "not at all well" is my real answer. I'm lonely, cold, bored, frustrated, tired, stressed, guilty, worried, gaining weight again, having bad dreams, and my head almost always hurts. And I believe this snippet of song applies:
-Lefou, I'm afraid I've been thinking.
-A dangerous passtime.
-I know!

2) If you ask EG if he minds something, for example, "do you mind if I open the window?" and his answer is "not at all," it is the cutest thing in the world. It makes me giggle as he sounds like a Beetle. Hee hee. Try to hear it in your head. Or, better yet, if you know an Englishman, ask him to say it for you. It's absolutely adorable.

But number 2 can relate to number 1 because it just increases my loneliness.

On the plus side, I'm going to see the Harry Potter movie tonight which is kind of exciting, but not nearly as exciting as the fact that next saturday, I will be reading the seventh book. I will actually have the pages in my hands and the content in my head. The thought is so huge that I might throw up.

TO to NYC!

Okay, he's fine in New York and wants to come see me when I get home! I'm hoping to do a road trip to go get him around the end of August. Anyone wanna come??? ...anyone have a car?

In the Dark

I haven't heard from EG since he called me the night I left him.

I don't even know if he made it to New York okay! Where is he? How is he? How is there no internet where he is?! His phone is off! I have no way of contacting him! Why? When will I hear from him again? I need my fix!

Ain't Misbehaving

I've been reading a lot of Romeo and Juliet. I really like love stories. I like love stories that work out. Happy endings. No endings.
I want to act again. I want to play a character who falls in love. I'd be so convincing.
I want to wake up with EG again.
I want to have my own place and have him live down the street and then come over for dinner. Well, first dinner, anyway. I can't feed him all the time, he eats like a ...maniac.
When I go home, he's going to come visit me.
I keep imagining it and it's one of my best fantasies.

Saturday night. I have nothing to do. I have no money. I have no friends. I have no lovah. I have my guitar and my journal and...considering my circumstances, I'm okay with that.

No one to talk with all by myself
No one to walk with but I'm happy on the shelf
Ain't misbehaving, I'm saving my love for you...

My Mind Is On The Blink

I need you to make me laugh.

I need you to play guitar.

I need you to hold my hand.

I need you drinking at the bar.

I need you to pinch my cheeks.

I need you to slap my bum.

I need you to kiss my eyes.

I need you to make me come.

I need you to cook for me.

I need you to call me hot.

I need you to touch my hair.

I need you here. You are not.


"Show me how you do that trick! The one that makes me scream," she said, "the one that makes me laugh," she said, and threw her arms around my neck. "Show me how you do it and I promise you, I promise that I'll run away with you."

Rain In My Shoes

The farther away I got, the more it hurt. It literally felt like something was being ripped out of me.

Definitely the most amazing week. That doesn't describe it. I over-emphasise everything, I know. I shouldn't have done that because now I can't explain this. I can't explain the pure joy I experienced all week and the incredible agony I'm feeling now. I'll try to be clear and not...well, myself. It'll have to be in point form.

- He took me to see The Lord of the Rings in London. On Drury Lane. We ate at Porters. We drank wine. We were mesmoriesed by magic. I can't tell you everything. I just can't, you had to be there. But...I'm kinda glad you weren't. I'll do other stuff with you. You understand, I'm sure.

- He played songs for me. Songs he wrote. I gave you one line. I want to give you all of them. I think it's better that some things are kept to ourselves. Though, if you want to have a sleepover with me, I'm sure I'll tell you every single detail. Let's just say the songs are orgasmic.

- Speaking of orgasms. BEST. SEX. EVER. So, so amazing. Three times a day. Quality and quantitiy. I was constantly horny (as was he) and I was completely satisfied. If in pain. Sitting is difficult.

- Haha, he eats 5 meals a day. Not 5 small meals, no, 5 real meals a day with gigantic portions of meat. He is a big strong football man. I feel petite in his arms. He said I was "only tiny."

- He is so hot. I don't know if I mentioned that. But...so so hot. I can't get over it. I would just glance his way and get wet. So hot. And there's this song by the Arctic Monkeys that he sings that is just...sex in music form. Goddammit he's sexy.

- Sweetest boy ever. Being held by him is ...better than anything. Anything. I could give up peanut butter and I think even chocolate if that somehow allowed me to be held by him more.

I don't know what I'm going to do until I next see him. Probably die.

ps okay, here's another line. "There's rain in my shoes cause I'm better off out, I've been walking for miles trying to figure you out. Yet I know what I need to, I just wanna see you again."

Happiness is...

Being in England.
Having my face touched.
Being listened to.
Being sung to.
Being teased.
Being tickled.
Staring into sparkling blue eyes.
Brushing lips lightly.
Kissing hands.
Heavy breathing.
Resting on a lap.
Being told I'm a "wonderful lady."
Being told my smile is "glorious."
Smiling all the time.


Listening to a song for me.

Happiness is:

"maybe love and music will help bridge our divide."

Sighing in Anticipation

This just in, EG hasn't slept with anyone else. Because he hasn't wanted to! Sigh.

In just 46 hours, I'll be in his bed. And he'll be in me.

I'm going to surprise him when I get there. I told him I'll be at the station at 9:30, but really, I'll be there an hour before that and then I'll cab it to his house, strip and slip under the covers with him. Then I will spend the next 6 days in heaven.

ps thanks for the advice on the L word. Girls are crazy, aren't they? But we only get scared because we know boys are crazy too.

And That's The Word

I'm really into English Gentleman. Did you know that?

I think I would do anything he asked me. Is that bad? I mean, I don't think he'd ask me anything horrible like to kill someone or give up theatre. I'd do anything he would ask me. Is that bad?

I'm thinking about the word. That "love" word. It's weird, eh? How is it so powerful? Part of me needs it, needs to feel it, to say it, to hear it all the time. Part of me thinks it's just a word. And using it or not using it can't possibly have a big impact on any part of life. He knows I feel strongly about him. He knows I can't stop thinking about him. He knows I wouldn't deny him anything. Will he think differently if I throw the word "love" into the mix? I mean, it's the only word I know to express what I feel for him. After he says something particularly hot or cute or funny, saying "I love you" just follows naturally in my head.

I hate the word. But I love the word. I want to say it. I have a scene in my head of almost saying it a couple times, and he'll say "say it!" I don't know if I will or not. I really want to. But I also don't care. But I also really want to.

Should I?

Giggles McGee

Guys, I'm dying here. I can't get enough of this. It's killing me. How is that possible? I guess if I can never get enough of something I think I need, I'd die. So that's how something so good can kill me.

I don't know what to do! He has never been in my bed before, but it feels so empty. He just doesn't stop saying amazing things. He doesn't stop being funny and cute and smart and perfect. I don't know what to do with myself.

I already blogged this, I know, so it's old news. But I can't think of anything else! I've been calculating, and in about a hundred and seventy hours, I will see him and then we'll be together for a hundred and sexty hours. Oh, a hundred and sixty. That was a genuine typo. He has football training on one of the nights though. So I can dish with Frenchie, except that she will be on her last week with her lovah. They are so cute. EG and I are obsessed with them. I'm much more sad for her than myself because she's going home after spending 9 months with him. But...he's going to visit her for all of August. EG is going to the states all summer.

I have fantasies about going home in September (a distinct possibility) and getting to visit with EG a couple of weekends, if he's in a northern state. Then asking him to come and stay with me for a week or two (or forever) before he goes back. There will probably be a party at the Neenia/Bedroom Prince/Skinny Rabbit pad (best house ever!) where he can meet all my friends. How will that go? My friends would all be swooning, I'm sure. We would need a bed though, that isn't in my mother's house... Because we work well in a bed. Not that we only work well in a bed. Like he said, he doesn't just like sleeping with me, he likes waking up with me. I feel so lucky that he likes waking up with me. I don't really blame him, I'm really fun to wake up with.

I'm nervous about the discussion we are going to have to have. The inevitable "what's going to happen now?" discussion. Because I'm going to have to say: "Okay, you're going to the states all summer. It's a fun summer trip to a place you've never been where you will be viewed as someone with superpowers just because of your accent, let alone the rest of your charming self. So do whatever you want and don't tell me anything." And I don't know what he's going to say.

OH! I just remembered. When I left him last time, he was waiting for the train to leave and I was sitting on the train writing in my journal. I knew he'd want to know what I wrote. He just asked me last night and I told him, though it was highly cheesy: "Oh EG, how I'll miss you. If I could write a song for you, I'd sing it every morning and always make everything okay. I dream of a world where we make sense. One where you don't need to roam, where I don't need my home. Where it rains when it's warm and we could kiss under street lamps every night. Where you stay awake as long as I need you to. Where I'm myself all the time and your people are my people. Where we can eat together and talk in interesting ways..."
And after I read him that, he said "All that stuff you mentioned, you're dangerously close to getting it."

Motherfucker, he's hot! He's so cute. I can't handle the cuteness and the hilarity that ensues when we talk. We just laugh so much! He has such a cute laugh! And when he gets started telling a funny story, he can't finish it because he's laughing too hard.

He had told me before that he's worried my excitement and passion for him will wane and he has every reason to believe that his will not. I asked him what the reasons were and he said he'd tell me when I got there. But I couldn't wait so I asked him again. He said one reason is that he's met a lot of people and none of them are like me. I don't know what that means, really, because none of them can possibly be like each other, right? But it's a big compliment and I took it with giggles. He's just worried my giggles will go away eventually and that will make us less magical (his words). I said, I don't know if I'll be giggling tomorrow. But I'm a giggly person. And he makes me feel other things too...I don't know how to comfort him. I can't say I'll be giggling forever. Chances are, if we get comfortable together, I'll be, well, comfortable. But it really does seem like he's going to win me over every day and that I will be giggling forever.

A hundred and sixty nine hours to go...

Not My Pictures

Weird. Looking at pictures of a wedding.

She was my friend. A good friend. We worked so well together.

He was someone I was obsessed with for three years. He kissed me. I kissed him first. We held hands. He was so funny. He made me laugh all the time.

We didn't believe in the same things so he had to stop kissing me. I was heartbroken and angry. I felt guilty because I wanted to corrupt him.

He found someone else who happened to believe the same things he did. That didn't work out.

He got back together with my friend. I don't think she wanted to be my friend anymore. She wanted to, but couldn't handle the sight of me.

I thought they had a passionless relationship. Just because they were avoiding sex, doesn't mean they were passionless.

It was in them all along. It was being saved for each other.

The pictures prove it. The way he held her, the way he kissed her.

I'm fine with it because he does nothing for me now. The pictures of him prove it. They make my past self twitch a little, but that's all.

But I can't help but think that it could have been me. I don't want it to be me, but it could have been me.

I thought he was scared of sex. I was wrong.

I hate being wrong.

(ps, he is really short. Nowhere near 6'5".)

Breaking My Balls

You're breaking my balls, you guys, you're breaking my balls. This'll be like my seventeenth post before you've all updated at all! This is ridonculous.

Just to fill you in on what's been going on since my most recent recent post, um, I'm obsessed with English Gentleman. He wrote me this message that I'm not sure I want to put on here. I just don't want to cheapen it. I read it to Neenia over the phone because I figured telling one person was different than broadcasting it over the internet. But I really want to broadcast it all over the internet. And I know you will all appreciate it (and by "you all" I mean Neenia (duh), Bedroom Prince, Arts Monkey, Miss Pants, Skinny Rabbit, Nosiren and a couple other hangers on who don't have blogs but know me well, you know who you are)... Should I? Just to give you a tiny hint of this amazing person (if I haven't already)...I will give you a taste.

I wanted to call him instead of talk via facebook, but I couldn't find the phone. So I said: "Oh, now I'll have to be content with fantasising about what we're gonna do when I get there. What are we gonna do when I get there?" And his reply described really hot teasing and foreplay(including "...and you will abandon your dress to the elements outside of my window, along with your underwear, declaring to all of Hampshire that you will never need it again..."). And then he described hot sex and said:

"At this point the curtains go down and the stars of the show are only seen again at local convenience stores, buying food and drink to fuel their filthy adventures. Even as they become dishevelled starry eyed wrecks over time that no one cares to measure, all that see them feel their disdain tainted by the jealously that they are having more sex than minds of the past thought feasible, let alone healthy, and the wails of ecstacy echo across crisp, enchanted sunsets onto dawns afar, where couples everywhere wonder if one day, they too, can emulate the pleasures derived from the mispent youths of Princesse Alathariel and English Gentleman."

What?! What?! (direct quote from my reaction, and Neenia's.) How is he so amazing? I don't even know how to describe him! The best word that encompasses all the awesomeness and hotness and sweetness that he is is his name.

Last night there was a slight misunderstanding. I said "isn't it funny that we've only spent three nights together? Not like 'well, we see each other at work all the time but we've only spent three nights together.' no, just we've only spent three nights together ever!" And he said "I don't find it weird. It's spectacular." To which I didn't really have a reply. Then I went to bed and he texted me thinking I was unsure about us and thinking about my ex. "For a creative mind like yours, it's natural to have doubts." But I don't have doubts! How was I to claire-ify? I texted him trying to explain and he seemed cool, but I didn't feel I was convincing him enough. I sent him a loooooong rant-y message on facebook which ended with something endearing about my journal getting sick of his name but she's too polite to say anything. I just got a reply:

"Are you a dream? I hope not. X"

Unhelpful

My poor ex boy. I feel awful for him. He said I haven't wanted to make out with him in a long time. Can I confess why?

I think I...didn't like his kisses. We didn't kiss well together. The pressure was never right, his fake teeth (if you don't know the story here, just ask) really hurt me, our heads just...didn't connect like they were supposed to! I loved him so I ignored all that. But I couldn't make out with him. How could I tell him that? How can this be explained?

I just wish him peace. But I can't give it to him.

Water Water Everywhere

I'm so thirsty but I've been drinking so much! what's the dealio, yo?

This is not a metaphor, I'm really thristy and water doesn't help.

My ticket is booked for England! I'm going so soon. EG said "You're coming to England, how exciting! 'Tis where you belong miss, and you know it."

He calls me "miss" he's so cute. He'll probably quench my thirst...

Haven't Forgotten

Don't think I forgot about the other boy.


I just called him. It made me so sad. It made him so sad. It made us both very angry and upset and sad. I'd like to get out of the business of breaking peoples' hearts.


He said it wasn't all his fault. I said I never said t was (did I?). He said I was using him as a crutch in my fucked up mess of a life and I needed to learn to stand on my own and when I did that, I threw him out. That's not true. I distinctly remember trying very hard not to use him as a crutch. I remember trying to live my own life so the pressure wasn't on him. I can't think about this anymore. It's getting ridiculous.

I said we might still get back together. He said I was the kind of person to meet someone, call it "fate" and get married and that's why we probably won't get back together. That's not fair, is it? I was really insulted by that. If I'm like that, then why didn't I stay with him?? If I'm like that, why was he even bothering with someone of whom he clearly has such a low opinion?

My head hurts where the throbbing resides. My brain hurts where the confusion settles. My eyes hurt where the love comes out. My ears hurt where his sobs penetrated. My gut hurts where the punch landed. My nose hurts where the pressure reigns. My heart hurts where the dagger went in.

Until I saw him, I've been wishing I had just a shirt of his in my room so I could smell him. Well I have one now and it brings me nothing but sorrow.

And I feel all the more guilty because underneath all this, I still feel the warmth and fireworks and butterflies and sighs of my new boy.

Bedroom Prince's Million Dollars

After reading the Prince's most recent post, I needed to write my own.

Maybe it's because I don't want to get into a grad school that our views vary. But I think my life would change rather drastically if I won the lottery.

I was given cash yesterday, some with which to buy the kids lunch and train tickets, the rest was for me and they'd just deduct that from my pay this week. Perfect! First of all, I needed to take the train that night and second, I needed girl products. Rather badly. So I bought myself some necessary things from the pharmacy, bought some lunch for the kiddies, jumped on the train with them. I realised I had forgotten diapers for the baby, so I bought a mini pack when we got off the train. Then, we saw a carousel. A very beautiful, very old carousel. Well, I couldn't not let them ride the carousel. Then I had to buy phone credit so I could call the mommy to let her know where we were (and to text EG, obviously). Then, when the mommy came and I was to go on to my next destination, I realised I had to take the train twice. I only had enough for one trip. So, standing at the little mechanical thing where you buy train tickets, I tried to figure out how best to cheat the system without getting caught. I was told that if you get caught on the train I was about to take, you'd get fined something like 800 franks. But if you get caught on the one home, it's only like a hundred. So I made my ticket come from a station closer to home and made the destination one before. They did not check tickets on my first trip. There, that money could have gone to my homeward ticket and saved me a hell of a lot of trouble. Why don't they just check every time or never! It's evil what they do! On the way back, I saw they were checking right away. And I did not have a ticket from where I got on. So I jumped up to go to the bathroom and planned to get off at the next stop (which was soon) and catch the next train (which was an hour away). They were waiting for me when I got out of the bathroom. "Bon soir" said I sleepily and tried to get off the train. After much embarrassment and pretending to be stupid on my part, they let me off saying "vous avez du chance ce soir." I guess you could call it that. So what was I going to do when I caught the next train? What if they checked right away too? I came up with a story that someone I was supposed to be meeting said they would drive me to a station and I had bought the ticket ahead of time (which could be proven by the ticket I did buy ahead of time) and then they said they couldn't drive me that far and I was too shy to ask for more money. After an hour of worry punctuated with reading Oscar Wilde short stories, I got on the train. They did not check at all.

That whole night could have been a hell of a lot better and much more productive if I had a million dollars.

You know what makes it worse? Things like that happen to me at least twice, usually more, a week.

Irregardless

ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim!

Too much? I suppose. Here's the song he thinks (and I agree) works for us now (if he were to sing it--which he did over the phone for me):

Just Like Heaven by The Cure

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you
I promise that I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that
I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven


Man, he floors me.

Butterflies Mixed With...Something Else

I kind of feel like Neenia feels. Like shit. Why do I feel this way? Why do I do things I'm pretty sure I won't be proud of? Why don't I do things I know I will be proud of? Why don't I prepare for things I really really want? I hate when I'm...this way. Myself. How can I fix things? I don't know how to fix everything. But I need everything fixed...who can I go to for help? No one! I'm supposed to help myself. But...I don't know how. I don't know how to get where I need to go. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling in my stomach.

Memories and fantasies can only take me so far.

Rocking Yet

TextSex is funny. Also fun. Also hot. Also inconvenient. Also difficult. But mostly funny and hot. Like really funny. Like make people think you're crazy for laughing in the street funny. And really hot. Like stop what you're doing so you can concentrate and not slide off your seat and fall down hot.

I need lessons. Well, I'm doing pretty well right now. But...you kind of run out of things to say. Pretty much, I'm tortured. My new motto: It's agony not being in England.

ps, when you use predictive text to write "soaking wet" it comes out "rocking yet." I like that.

No Birthday Nookie

Goddammit I was horny last night!!

Most of the women in the cast are married and ALL of them were talking about going home to get laid! We were all cabaret-whored out so we all looked hot and after the crazy adrenaline rush of the show, we just all wanted some immediately! I was so jealous of all these wives! I don't want to get married right now, but wouldn't it be nice to have sex every night?

I sent EG three very vulgar texts which he didn't get until he was at passport control at the airport. I hope he was pleased by my dirty intentions. I hope he plans to deliver when I go there...I'm sure he does.

I told him that when my phone dings to tell me I have a text from him, I jump and giggle. He said "I want to see that! Do you think it would work if I texted you whilst next to you?" and I said "Probably, but you'll never see me as excited as I'll be the moment I see you!" and he said "That's not true as it would make every day after less exciting. I shall win you over every day!"

I don't doubt it EG, I don't doubt it.

Momentary Lapse

I can take a little time off from my gushing for 2 things.

1) My cabaret opened tonight to rave reviews. I feel talented, I feel worthy, I feel in my element. I'm happy.

2) It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm so old.

So-Called Reality

One of my friends was just really mean. She said she doesn't support my feelings for EG because she knows how it will turn out. She said that in three months we're gonna realise we don't really like each other and that we made stupid sacrifices that we'll regret.

I totally disagree. But...are friends even allowed to say that?

I mean, maybe it's because she hasn't read my blogs, or she can't see me to know how I feel about this guy. Or maybe she knows my personality and she knows I obsess hard and fast. Either way, she's wrong. In every way. 1st, it's already lasted longer than 3 months, kind of. Second, I will not regret any kind of sacrifice I make for him as it will be for the him I know and care for now. And third, we will still like each other. What is the point of avoiding feelings just because they might one day go away? The point is to assume and hope that they won't go away and have an amazing time together.

I admit that I'm in love with being in love. But if I've found someone I get to be in love with, then I'm lucky. Not unrealistic.

Back in the Clouds!

heehee, he sent me this just now:

Hi Alathariel! Last night was hilarious, my sister and her mates are still in bed! Listen, I was thinking about you a lot last night. And today. My intuition kicked in because all i wanted to say was i wish you were here, and i was running out of ways to express it, and because of bastard txt msging i have a strange feeling you have got the wrong end of the stick...do you understand? i wasn't pushing you away. text back fucking quick! x

Too Soon to be Such a Girl

I don't even want to write this blog. It makes me sick.

We were texting last night and it was so much fun, he was making me laugh sooooo much. I had mentioned that I was horny and he said he knew it. I had said "I can't wait to see you" a couple of times so I said "this is the part where you say how much you want to see me and why" and he said "Thanks for the cue. I can't wait to see you and there's so much I want to do with you but you know what we'd do first, why should we torture ourselves thinking about it" and I said "it's not torture! well, I guess anticipation is kind of torture" and he said "it makes me sad, in truth, alathariel" and I said "what makes you sad? anticipation? just thinking about me? should I stop texting you?" and he said "no no, that I'm not fucking around. I really do want to see you and now. still seems a long time away and I'm excited but I'm impatient." Then, as I tried to figure that out, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces and started to claw at everything it could touch inside me. I wrote "wait, what makes you sad?" and he said "...forget it. perhaps sad was the wrong term. Don't you be sad, pleeeaaase smile x." so i said "okay, sorry about your frustration or whatever. don't worry i'm smiling!" which was a lie. He replied "yeh, frustration, that's it. No more emotion from me young lady. I'm drinking now to lay the foundations for this evening. I'm in for a session methinks." to which I replied "have a good night!" to which he replied "I get the feeling that was left a bit weird? maybe I'm drunk? night night." to which I replied "you're very intuitive! nothing's wrong, all will be claire-ified another time! have fun!"

So...I just don't want to be seen as a trap. Is that so much to ask? And I'm not even asking it of him. We obviously can't discuss stuff like boundaries and blah blah blah online or via texts. But...he's a playah, he's going to the states all summer, he's in Cyprus right now...we've only spent three nights together. He can do whatever he wants. How do I tell him that and still let him know that if I find out I will cry, throw up, then throw myself off a cliff? Like I want him to know that I don't want him to sleep with anyone else, but I don't want him to want to sleep with anyone else. I want him to just want me. Obviously. But obviously, he can do whatever he wants...I can't believe he sees me as a trap already. He'll be calling me the old ball and chain before I know it. The higher you climb, the harder you fall...

Solid Gone

I'm quoting Baloo the Bear: "I'm gone, man, solid gone!"

Because that's how I feel. I'm sorry if the last couple and next hundred posts are incredibly disgusting, gag me with a hundred spoons, diabetically sweet public displays of affection. I'm sorry if I'm completely selfish and forget to remember everyone else in my life. I'm sorry if I move far away. I'm sorry if I can't stop blushing, sighing, "awww"ing, fainting, jumping, falling, panting, masturbating, singing, twirling, leaping, flying. I'm tongue tied, nervous, achy, jittery, hot, dizzy, discombobulated, cold, shaky, dreamy, cozy, happy, dopey, grumpy, sneezy, sleepy, bashful and doc. Except not the last seven, those are dwarfs.

The fact that my inbox is empty makes me want to barf. He's in stupid Cyprus. Okay, it's not stupid, it's cool and he's probably buying cool paintings like he did last time and will stare at them and admire them with me.

Did I mention some of his qualities?

He's 6'5". That's right. Six foot five. Six feet and five inches. I'm five foot five! He's an entire foot taller than me!

He's going to be a football (as in soccer) coach.

He's HILARIOUS.

He gave me the biggest hug because I sang "ain't it a glorious day..."

He made me sing all of "Consider Yourself" at his favourite club.

He sings.

He's English. With an accent.

He has a pillow shaped like a boomerang.

He's intuitive.

He's going to be the father of my babies.

He hopes to hold my hand against a thousand backgrounds!?!?!?!?!?! I--...I don't know if he thinks he can say that to someone and have them be...not gone. still here.

I'm not still here.

I'm gone, man, solid gone.

Too Good!

I just got this text from my English Gentleman.

Hi Alathariel,
You're beautiful. You're beautiful and I think you should be reminded. You're beautiful and I hope to hold your hand against a thousand backgrounds.

I FEEL LIKE THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!!

Horoscope? Horror-scope more like...

Here's what I read on some website. About a Gemini girl and a Scorpio boy.

"This match is not good for either of you. He is very demanding and he doesn’t like anyone questioning his rules and habits. Meanwhile, you are freewheeling and flighty and you don’t believe in rules at all. He’ll be constantly grumpy with you, because he can’t change your spontaneous, outgoing nature. And why would you? Even if you did settle down to please him, you couldn't keep it up for long or you would be miserable. You may have sparks with a Scorpio boy, but the second you stop kissing you’ll find you have little in common. This is a don’t-do-it match for you."

This is complete bullshit. What the fuck do horoscopes know?! English Gentleman is not all into rules and routine! And I'm accepting of everyone's nature. Lick me where I bleed zodiac bitch!

Just Call Me Juliet

Guys! I'm seriously in love! this feeling is insane! I feel like a twelve year old! But like a horny one.

I can't stop sighing. I can't stop playing the song I wrote for him. I can't stop thinking about the song he wrote for me. What will it be like?

I'm so head over heals. So gone. So stuck. So happy. So torn.

I had a song stuck in my head but I couldn't remember how it went. Like at all. I said "I think the word 'learn' is in the chorus." and he got it in one guess. the word "learn" was not in the chorus.
He called me the Princess of the Stage.
he's getting perfecter and perfecter.

My New Song

Your silly pillow's calling me
And your arms are open wide
How can I get up today
No way
I'm staying by your side

I could smoke you
I could inject you
Any way that I can get you
I'm not supposed to succumb
To my addictions in the morning
But I'm warning you

Don't take you away from me
I've been through withdrawl
And all in all
It's not all it's cracked up to be
Don't take you away from me

Let the day go by without us
I can miss bacon and eggs
I'll feed on messing up your hair
And tangling up our legs
I could drink you
I could pop you like a pill
If there's a way to get you in me
I willI'm not supposed to succumb
To my addictions in the morning
But I'm warning you

Don't take you away from me
I've been through withdrawl
And all in all
It's not all it's cracked up to be
Don't take you away from me

I need my fix
I need one more word
Of that way you talk
Cuz the last I heard
Was that I'm hooked on your ways
On the days
On the lays
On the crazy times with you

Whatever you say
In that way
I'll obey
You don't have to pin me
You know you'll win me
With your lips
And your hands on my hips
And every single time you call french fries chips

I need a taste
Though it seems like a waste
Of a very expensive calling card
It's worth every cent
To hear the sound of a gent
And I'm intent on falling hard

I need a hit
Just a little bit
Give me one more chance
Just to run my hands
Through your hair
You're my hero
You're my heroine

Watching you watch me play guitar
Is better anyway
Than anything that I can take
To take it all away
I could smoke you
I could pop you like a pill
If there's a way to get you in me
I will
I'm not supposed to succumb
To my addictions in the morning
But I'm warning you

Don't take you away from me
I've been through withdrawl
And all in all
It's not all it's cracked up to be
Don't take you away from me

You're my hero
You're my heroine

Risky Business

Everyone keeps telling me to be careful (except Skinny who quoted Jamie). What does that mean? What am I supposed to do?

One friend reminded me that he's a manwhore and he might not be able to have an actual girlfriend. That's true. It's totally possible. I'm very thankful for her reminder. But...what am I supposed to do? Not try?

I've been wanting to move to England and be on the West End forEVER so, I'm clearly not thinking about it for him.

But what does that mean, "be careful?" How am I supposed to control my imagination? I can't control my feelings or...

There are risks in everything I do! EVERYTHING.

I'm risking. It's happening. Deal with it.

OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN!!!

English Gentleman just said "you should live here"!!!!!!!

I'm so high right now, I'm never gonna sleep again, am I?

The (best) Explanation (that I came up with)

It was entirely my decision.

I think I felt completely broken up with when he didn't want to move in with me and so I tried to make my peace with that and the result was that I stopped loving him in the same way.

That's what I think happened. I don't really know. I've been lookin back on past entries of my journals and this blog and I really loved him, didn't I? I really don't anymore.

We were making out on the first night in Rome and I was thinking "just get this over with and we'll be back to normal" and then he said "I feel funny" and I couldn't continue. I just couldn't do it. I had spoken to EG on the phone the night before and when I told him who I was going to Italy with, he sounded heartbroken. I hated that feeling. I know, I'm horrible.

I don't think I stopped having feelings for ...oh, man, I don't even know what to call him...he's not my lovah, he's not my boy...I'll call him Bowie, because he likes and wants to be Bowie... this is sad. Anyway, I don't think I stopped loving Bowie because of English Gentleman. But I think I broke up with him because of English Gentleman. But isn't it better to not be in a non-relationship?

EG really wants to see me again. And Frenchie told me that her lovah told her that he was totally bummed when I left. Also, she said that he said that he said that if he had a girlfriend, it would be with someone like me. That's what he said to another guy. In my head, that means he wants me to be his girlfriend. I might have to move to England. I gotta go see about a boy...

A Bomb

I don't know what to say. Too much has happened.

The next night, EG got me hella drunk and I apparently asked him a bunch of stupid questions like "what do you think of me" and "what's your ideal version of us?" Because I'm a girl and girls do that. He said "If I had to work a horrible job that I hated every day, if you could sing to me every morning, I'd be okay with that." And the next day, he asked me if I remembered that, and I said "...yes...wow." And he said "don't forget it."

So then horrible horrible, can't even talk about it annoying horrible things happened with planes and trains and then I got to Rome and realised I didn't love my boy anymore. So...we broke up.

Needless to say, I'm a little confused.

The Skinny Dress

Did everyone hear about the party last night? The location? My vagina. The guests? English Gentleman's penis.

I'm kind of in heaven right now.

He didn't know I was coming even though my status on facebook said "I'm so excited about Southampton." Apparantly, facebook doesn't mean as much to some people as it does to me.

I was silently (not always silently but I did my best) freaking out all day yesterday. I went to the Isle of Wight in classic English weather and froze to death, enjoyed the incredibly lovely views, drank a couple pints of cider, had adventures, the usual. Then Frenchie and I went back to her place and ate garlic bread and watched the new Scrubs. Then we found out where we were meeting everybody and I put on my unstoppable orange dress (the one you love, Skinny!) and we were on our way. We ended up going to Frenchies's lovah's slash English Gentleman's house (incidentally, everyone who lives at Milton Manor is an English Gentleman but I'm only concerned with mine at the moment) where Frenchie's lovah was getting ready. Almost immediately, EG walked by--in his boxers, just to hurt me--and was just giving a casual hello to Frenchie and saying he didn't want to go out when he spotted me and did a double take. As conversation was going on, I looked at him with my "if you kiss me it will change your life" look which works every time. Combined with my unstoppable dress, I don't know why I was so nervous! So we went to have drinks, blah blah blah, we discussed funny things like tumbleweeds, blah blah blah, I got a little tipsy, blah blah, and then we ran back to Milton Manor in the pissing rain. Oh my god, I can't believe I almost forgot! Frenchie and her lovah, the drunker ones of the party, ran way ahead, and EG just suddenly stopped and pulled me to him and kissed me really really well. In the rain. Fantasy scenario, check! Then we kept going hand in hand. Wow. So by this point I was completely on fire, even though I was drowning in the rain.!
We got back to the house, watched a bit of a show called Peep Show (watch it. watch it now, it's brilliant.) and EG just...went up to his room! Now Frenchie wasn't feeling very well, so I could tell she just wanted to stay with her lovah, but...ahgh! What was I supposed to do? Just go ask EG if I could spend the night? I pretty much did. When I went up to his room, he was playing his guitar (HOT) and he immediately handed it to me and said "what are you going to play for me?" And I said, I only have the one good song, and he said "okay." So I played Cake for him and he played a few things, then I said "Sooo...Frenchie's cold and ill..." and he said "Do you want to stay? No problem." And then we proceeded to have the BEST SEX EVER.

By the by, if my boy is reading this, will you please calm down? First of all, you're not supposed to be reading it because you said you wouldn't. Second, when I say best, I mean best with him in this situation in England. Chill the fuck out. Fucking propose or something if you don't want me having good sex. With other people, that is.

After AWESOME sex, we kissed and talked and cuddled and wonderfullness ensued. He called me a "kiss hungry chick" haha. Guys, he's so gorgeous...I was just so happy to be with him! I kept giggling. And he loved that, because I'm so adorable and hot at the same time. It's a skill I have. I'm a child and a woman at once. He said something about how sleeping with someone is different than waking up with someone. I agreed. He had to work today, so this morning we had sweet sex again and made him late for work. I said "may I be so bold as to ask if I can stay here again tonight?" He said "you may be so bold. You'll recieve a reply via email with a fancy letterhead." And I said "like 'we regret to inform you'?" And he said "yes, or 'congratulations!'" To witch I replied with laughter to witch he replied with kissing and so it goes...

Now I'm sitting alone in his room, using his computer without permission, wating for Frenchie and her lovah to wake up and take me to Oxford. Also waiting for my vagina transplant so that I can be ready for tonight should I get the "congratulations" email. The problem is, I've already worn my orange dress...

The Sky Has Been Claire-ified

I am too excited! I seriously feel so excited that I feel sick! I'm going to England tonight. TONIGHT! I woke up this morning feeling like it was the first day of school. You know that feeling? I hate it! Every year, I'd be sick and tossy turny. I hate the unknown! But it's weird because I know what awaits me in England. I've been to Frenchie's dorm before, I know her friends, her daily life, everything. I guess I don't know if I'm gonna sleep with English Gentleman or not. Oh man, I REALLY want to. It's so horrible because it's England and then immediately after it's Italy and my boy! That's bad. I feel bad that my boy is second but I didn't plan it that way! Argh!!! But...I'm too excited to care!

So...can someone tell me now if I'm going to sleep with English Gentleman or not? I'd really like to know just to take the freaking suspence out of the situation! I had sooooooooooo much fun with him, I just want a little repeat!

I really wish I had cool clothes that I love and that look really good on me. It just makes me feel good when I know I look good. What an obvious, unoriginal statement. Whatever. It's on my mind.

I had an annoying dream last night. I was in some sort of haunted college dorm house. There was no evidence that it was haunted, it was just common knowledge that it was. And I was flirting with my fellow Mermaid's friend. Then, for some reason, my fellow Mermaid thought I needed to be taught some sexual skills because I was nervous. Now that can be analysed easily enough: I'm nervous to sleep with English Gentleman/the Boy again after so long and I wish I had friends to talk about it with. But did my dream have to make it so...graphic? Did my friend actually have to show me what to do by pretending to be a guy? No. Now I feel weird about her. Not very, just enough that I don't want to talk to her right now, even though I really want to talk to her right now! Argh.

I miss reading your blogs! Even though I just read Miss Pants' and Arts Monkey's, I want more. I want to know what happens with Miss Pants and Arts Monkey and I want to know what's been happening with the rest of you! Like Arts Monkey, I wish all my friends lived on the same block. Then we can be Bloggers from the Block.

My Eating Disorder

I tried to be anorexic. I really did. In fact, I've tried a bunch of times. Usually I manage to last throughout the night, but that's like, really hard to do.

I just need food. Obviously I need food, but what I mean is I always need food. Always. If I'm not eating, I'm cooking or planning what I'm going to eat next or thinking about eating. I can't think about anything else. Even thinking about theatre doesn't stop me from thinking about food. When I'm actually in rehearsal, I manage to not be hungry until it's over.

How do I get it out of my head? How do I stop obsessing?

Les Quatre Accords Toltèques

Be impeccable with your word--Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Okay, I'll admit--I lie. I make promises I can't keep. But I'll try not to do that anymore. I don't gossip though. But I'm really bad with truth. I even lie to myself.

Don't take anything personally--Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

This I'm pretty good at. It's really hard because I'm self centred and selfish. But I try putting myself in other peoples' shoes and realise that whatever is going on, it's not personal.

Don't make assumptions--Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Well, I don't assume, I predict and I'm usually right. But I'm great at communicating because I hate misunderstandings. And I only create drama with people I don't care about.

Always do your best--Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I am the most guilty of not following this one. I do not always do my best. And so I judge myself, I abuse myself and I regret a lot. It's hard to do your best when you're lazy though...

Natural Caffeine!

Oh to be young! I love it! I love being young and free and in Europe! I don't care that I'm poor! I don't care that I'm sometimes fat! I don't care that I miss my friends! Okay, I really care that I miss my friends but I'll have some friends involved in the upcomping schemes.

I'm too excited to continue blogging! I have to watch South Park to calm my excited nerves!

Miss Ellipsis

It's happened to me now. I have NOTHING to blog about... really, my mind is blank...

I want to go to New York.

I want to put on a Clown Show.

I want to put on a Clown Burlesque Show.

My Clown name is Audrey Ellipsis.

Arabian Nights

I freaking love Aladdin. I just played Aladdin with the little girl. We Skidooed to Agrabah... The palace was so beautiful from where we were. I watched a bit of the movie with the baby (who is almost a boy now!) and he totally laughed at my favourite funny parts. I'm teaching him what I consider to be very important, i.e. Genie = funny. i.e. Aladdin = Awesome. He's already learned how to dance like the Newsies...

***

I don't know how jealous you'll all be, probably very, to hear that it is SUMMERTIME here!!! Here's how I know: My feet are dirty! I love it! It's Summer Alathariel! I don't care if people get grossed out or freaked out or judge me, but dirty feet in summertime is who I am!
I also know it's summertime because it's warm at night.

***

One of my best friends told me that one of her best friends is leaning to go into peoples' dreams. And she's trying to learn too. I would love it if that were true. Then we could hang out anywhere. I tried to do it last night but I couldn't concentrate. Then I just tried concentrating on something and I couldn't do it. I'm a horrible magician. But it did feel wonderful to light a candle, put on my clean white nightgown and lie on my fresh clean sheets with my windows open and the night birds chirping sweetly through the warm night air and cool breezes. I slept wonderfully last night. But I woke up for a second only to hear something that sounded/felt like a presence... I thought it was a female presence. I don't know. I've never really actually believed in ghosts or dreamwalking or anything. But I want it to be true. I find it's no coincidence that magic shows itself in that place between sleep and awake (where Tinkerbell will always love Peter Pan). I hope I'm just being cynical though. I truly believed last night that someone was with me and it comforted me to no end. I don't believe it now though. Oh well, if it only exists at night and in my imagination, I'm okay with that.

My Mourning

Oh no! I was looking through pictures and the ones of English Gentleman didn't make me have ten orgasms! Dammit! It's so boring not to have a crush. I mean, I still wanna sleep with him, but I wanna sleep with a lot of people. I was having so much fun obsessing over him.

My Unwanted Nostalgia

I can't handle the crazy "friendships" on facebook with stupid people from grade school I never liked who never liked me. Why? Why are they all laughing at the old pictures of themselves? Do they not remember what happened before and after the picture was taken? The making fun of alathariel is what happened. I don't know how everyone just got over their childhood traumas. I guess it's really pathetic and sad that I didn't get over it. Well, that's not true, I did get over it all. But now that I have to see their stupid faces and stupid lives it's all coming back to me. I hate it. I'm extremely cheered up by pictures and messages and posts and quotes of my friends. My real friends. My friends' faces are so comforting.

no reason post

Okay, so now that I've killed two birds with one stone--getting high and sleeping with French Canadian Server last night--and I'm satisfied, I feel very artsy. Writing songs, getting ideas for short films, dancing. But now I really need to learn how to Samantha Jones his ass and not see him again. Is it okay to sleep with someone you don't quite like? I'm pretty sure he's a little racist and not that smart. His sense of humour is not at all the same as mine. I don't particularly find him attractive. He's fine, but not my type.

I miss my boy. A lot.

Butterflies

I need to have sex right now.

Five Spoons Full of Sugar

Okay, I feel better now. My heart is fine. I think everything is back to normal.

I think I was mostly hurt because I thought of him as home and now I feel homeless. But he's just as screwed up as everyone else. I know how he really feels and I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I'm going to try not to be so hormonal. Not that I didn't have completely ligitimate fuel for my raging hormones, but it's clearer now, and not worth the tears.

I LOVE spring! I'm so sorry for everyone who is living in the cold right now, but I couldn't be higher! I'm pretty sure it's magical here, the sky is so freaking blue every single day! Like the crazy kind of blue that looks fake, like it can't possibly be the actual colour of something in this world. I don't know how many people know that I used to get freaked out by a blue sky (if the stuff around me is the same stuff up there, how come the stuff up there is so blue and the stuff down here isn't? and why doesn't the blue cover airplanes? Think about that.) but I'd be absolutely nuts all the time if I didn't try to get over it.

I got dressed up and went out last night (the first non freezing night!) to a wine bar. It was devine! I wore my red and white polka dot dress, I read and wrote and my waiter was from Quebec! He bought me my third glass (the glass that secured my drunken state) of a wine he suggested, I forget the name of it, it's a spanish white wine and it's very sweet. Delicous! I left him my number on the bill because he called me pretty. Plus he had nice arms. I'm not usually an arm girl. That is, I don't think about arms until I feel good ones, or until they're on display but not stupidly on display know what I mean? I hope he calls, I need to get laid.

I've been planning my new room (?) at my next house and it's gonna be almost totally purple, so it's good that no boys will be living in it. I gotta go purple while I still can. Just like I gotta stay out all night, drink too much, experiment, sleep around, explore and live it up as much as possible with as many friends as possible while I'm young. I will be married with wonderful children in a wonderful house one day, but now is not the time!

I'm gonna go get a kebab and then go a chocolate muffin and then go visit a new friend in Vevey.

Complex

I feel like my heart is breaking really slowly.
I feel dreadful, like something really horrible is happening and I can't stop it.
I had a dream that the boy was supposed to come with me somewhere and he didn't.
He just blew me off and no one knew where he was.
Then a girl from school taught me how to dance the dying swan.
Then I saw myself in a mirror and I was wearing a long jean skirt with a slit in the side that went all the way up to my hip.
Through the slit, I saw my own bare bum, looking beeautiful as always and I was proud.
I said "hey, you can see my..."
And the skirt shifted.
"haha, oh, you can see my penis too."
It looked like Michelangelo's David's penis.
What is that supposed to mean?
I wish I could say that the pain and dread came from the dream, but I felt this way yesterday too.

My Moral of the Story

Soooooooo, I've been effectively escaping my problems by watching every episode of Scrubs ( www.sharpiesscrubs.tk ) and Lois and Clark; The New Adventures of Superman. I feel great.

I'm trying to explain to the boy (he downgraded from Lovah--if the word freaks him out so much, I won't use it anymore!) that we're not "going steady" or whatever is scaring him or whatever. We're not ...anything! I like watching tv with him. I like dressing up for him. I like shopping with him. I like lying on the grass with him. I like his eyes when he smiles in the morning. I like getting excited in front of him. I like when he explains things to me. I like bugging him when he cooks for us. I like hearing the oddly comforting banging of the keys of his piano even when I can't hear the notes because he's using headphones. I like his family. I like the way he plays with his hair when he's thinking. I like his obsession with coffee. I like fucking him in every position imaginable. I like his obsession with the weather.

So that's what we are. Those things. I don't really want to live without those things. There are lots of other things I don't want to live without--the exact colour of my friend's red hair, Skinny's racism, applause, my mom's lipstick, Neenia's marshmallows, Harry Potter, mango salsa, laughing so hard it hurts, singing at the top of my voice, drum beats to name a very few--and I hope I don't have to live without them.

He's not my partner, he's not my better half. I'm whole. Including him and including a lot of other things that make up me.