I'm a thief.

I didn't say it first, but I'm saying it now:

If you think being in a relationship is a trap, you lack vision and creativity.

Eat that.

Wash the Rain

Sometimes there are so many things wrong. Too many to deal with. I'm only one person, I counted, so there's only so much I can do.

There is too much weighing on me; responsibility, guilt, anger, love, possibilities, mistakes, embarrassment, eating disorders, relationships, a plant, a cat, laundry, patients, patience, books, music, talent, my body, my ganglion, my hair, my room, dishes, the litter box, blogging, old friends, new friends, letter writing, story writing, impressing people, confronting people, contraception, he said she said, miscommunications, boredom, insolence, money, money, money, waiting, wanting, changing, staying the same, words, memories, plans, dreams, drinks, dances, phone calls, emails, lent, apologies, waking up.

One night, as I was trying to fall asleep, someone said the last straw (though I soon found out it was only one of the last straws) I don't remember what he said but I threw my mind somewhere it doesn't often go: I prayed. But I didn't pray to someone with a name, I didn't pray to someone at all. (Let's not make this what it isn't.) I immediately started hearing this old, horrible song loaded with nostalgia called "Wash the Rain" by World on Edge (how convenient!) and it swelled inside me until I found myself whispering "wash it all away, wash it all away..." Quickly, tears started streaming down my face but I kept repeating "wash it all away, wash it all away" and just as quickly, the tears stopped. And I fell asleep.

I'm hoping this wasn't my personal version of "serenitiy now, insanity later" but "wash it all away" has been my mantra since that night and it at least keeps me from crying or even frowning. It allows me to feel cool, calm, confident (like Aladdin) along with the frustration.


One by one we fall to the ground
We turn our heads and start from where we were found
On our knees
Hold your head from moving round
Your eyes are fixed on something that you have found
It's not for me
And if you say wash the rain
Do you mean wash the pain from me

Ode to Darlene

The Lady of the Lake, The Priestess of Avalon, The Mother Confessor, The Headmaster of Hogwarts.

Director. Teacher. Actor. Student. Singer.

Patient. Dilligent. Determined.

Always loving, she easily sees you through your eyes.

She can never really be hurt even if her mortal coil can be bruised.

No one has ever inspired me more--inspiration that stays with me at the front of my mind.

Feel better, Darlene, and live for a thousand years!

Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

Here's what I'd do with millions of dollars (and I invite you to come up with your own list):

I'd give a hell of a lot of money to my mom. I'd buy stars for people who are special to me (yeah, you can buy a star and name it after someone!). I'd start a theatre called Bottom's Dream with Kate and Tanya and every summer, I'd put on Midsummer Night's Dream and every winter I'd put on Twelfth Night and no one would get sick of it. I'd also put on The Importance of Being Earnest because it's awesome. And I'd pay Darlene and Greg millions to direct. And I'd pay my underpaid actor friends millions to be a part of it. I'd give so much money to Mollie to start up any charity she wanted and do amazing things with helping people. I'd start the TV show about the Travelling Warior Princesses. I'd dress like a princesse. I'd hold masquerades. I'd have one kick ass wedding. I'd buy my cat a house. I'd get my castle...

which leads me to my castle wish thing. the thing with my castle is that you can have anything you want in it or on the grounds. And please, don't limit yourself to one thing, pick as many things as you want. Get creative. Someone asked for a marble fountaine that you could swim in and find jewels at the bottom. Someone asked for a big rock that she could lie on and look at the stars. Someone asked for a roller coaster. I'm the most creative so far, though. I've come up with the best ideas for secret rooms through the library, secret passage ways to secret gardens and even secret hideouts inside trees. Most of my ideas are secret...

I have to think about these things when I feel like I don't have much. I mean, I know I have a lot. More best friends than I know what to do with, a free trip to Switzerland coming up, left over chinese food in the fridge and a really great mom. But I don't have any money. I don't have any self control. I don't have any energy. I don't have any cool clothes.

I have to have my dreams.