Anotastic!

Okay, I'm calming down. I've learned two things:

1) I've lost 20 pounds since last summer, 10 since christmas specifically. So I am losing, just really really slowly and healthily. Fuck that, because here's the second thing I learned:

2) It all comes down to burning more calories than you eat. Obviously, I already knew that, but it really just hit me, I guess. EG says that if you sit around and do nothing all day, you burn 1000 calories. Ok, perfect, if I could just eat about 1000 calories a day and then exercise a bit, I'd burn more than I eat!

SO, for the past few days, I've been a bit crazy with eating teeny tiny portions of things, and today, too, but I just now realised how calorific (note: that word is not underlined in red by firefox...I thought I made it up...) cheese and nuts are. Yikes. I REALLY love cheese and I really love nuts. So, portion limits, no problem, right? Do it the French Women Don't Get Fat way, eat slowly, lo-o-ove the food and savour every bite. Chew more than usual and have a sip of water after each swallow. Feel full faster and avoid indigestion and hiccups! Oh, and lose weight.

I don't understand how my mind and emotions are all changing so much on this topic. It's really confusing. I think there's so much propaganda out there and so many good smells that it's just a mess in that part of my brain, but I really feel like I've been trying to sort this shit out for years!

As I know I'm living healthily, and getting better, I shouldn't worry anymore. It just bugs me that a) I don't fit into skinny jeans yet and b) I won't be super fit for EG.

Oh, and EG also said, when I told him I'm getting fit slowly, "remember how much you weighed last summer? Well, I thought you were sexy then!" So, I'm an idiot hole, but...it's hard not to be. I know you're all (and by all, I don't just mean blog circlers, I mean everyone) fucked up about your body image in one way or another.

Funny note: In the comments of my last post, Skinny Rabbit told me I should do sit ups before I wake up and before I go to bed.

Think about it.

My Eating Disorder

Have I already had that title? I feel like I have because I've had this issue forever.

I have a few things to confess. The reasons I say I want to be fit -- for my health, my happiness, energy, because I'd rather run around all day than sit down all day, my career -- are all true, but they are NOT the only reasons. I will now tell you the terrible reasons that are also true:

*EG would find me sexier if I were fitter. We could have sex standing up. I'd be at his level of fitness. I'd be at his level of hotness.

*I'm jealous of one of my best friends who used to look like me and now looks like a model. A teeny, tiny model in skinny jeans. I find myself thinking horrible thoughts like "well, her boobs are way smaller now."



I'm trying guys. I am. I go to yoga, I go to Burlesque Aerobics, I eat so much better than before! I pretty much cut out bread -- I only eat wraps about once a week. I cut out milk because people were freaking me out about the hormones. I eat vegetables. I don't eat pasta or rice. My cookie habits have lessened enormously. Literally, like 2 cookies a week.

After all this, I think I'm gaining weight. I always thought giving up bread would be the last resort. I mean, you know I've tried eating well and working out and it's not working, I've always got quitting bread on the back burner. So now I've quit and qu'est-ce que fuck? Why is my tummy still so big? Why can't I fit into size 30 jeans?


So here's my newest plan: I'm going on a ridiculous fast/cleanse that has to last at least 6 days. No more than 20. No more than 20! it says! 20 fucking days of no food?!? Why do they have to put a maximum? Who wants to fast for more than 20 days? They say you'll resist getting off the fast because you feel such euphoria. I'd fucking better. During the fast, I have to do 20 minutes of cardio/day. Fine, easy.

So...is there anything else I can do? I mean, should I just start throwing up after every meal?

Turn Off the Dark

Hello blogworld -- I'm back!

I don't know why I haven't blogged in so long! EG thinks it's because I'm happy. I think it's partly because it's a little inconvenient to sign in to blogger when I'm already on my other gmail account. I'm sure I can just change my blog's email...

But no harm done, I'm back, aren't I?

What can I discuss? Everything? Anything? I feel like someone just asked me "so, what are you doing now?" and I don't like to dignify that question with the answer they expect, i.e. to say where I go every day to make money.

I'll say a few things that are on my mind. This is particularly on my mind at this very moment:

I have a friend over and we are laughing about something quite funny, and my roommates just knocked on the wall. It's midnight. Fair enough, right? Absofuckinglutely wrong. This is a fucking noisy house. Last night they had their base pumped up through a sub-woofer so high, I still have a headache. I didn't say anything, because I was warned, this is a noisy house, and I accept that. They fuck every single night, regardless of the hour, and she squeals like a coyote being run over by a tractor. They recorded a drum track at midnight, keeping all of their extra storage stuff in my room for three nights in a row and I had no problem with it. I can't think of other examples right now, because I'm livid, but TRUST ME, there are tons of examples. Almost every night, there's a lot of noise in this house. I already have a fucking headache and now that I'm so upset, it's ten times worse. I need to vent in blog form so I can let it go in real life -- THOSE MOTHERFUCKING, COCKSUCKING CUNTS CAN LICK ME WHERE I BLEED. I'm reeeeeeeeeeeeeally not impressed. Either we're all allowed noise at any time, or none of us are allowed noise after a certain time. They need to get FUCKING EARPLUGS IF ONE NIGHT THEY FUCKING DECIDE THEY CAN'T SLEEP WHILE I CHAT WITH MY FRIEND AT MIDNIGHT. I thought they were great people and I would never accuse them of taking advantage of me until now.

I can't let this go long enough to write about anything else! rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll try though -- I'm auditioning for the new Spider-man musical by Bono and The Edge called Turn Off The Dark and I'm really excited. I'm going to Seattle to audition. I'm nervous. I want this part. I AM the new Spidey villain. I am she. They just haven't met me yet, they're going to be so excited when they finally find me next Monday.

I thought of another example -- they play their keyboard all the time, but to be considerate, they put the headphones in, so all I hear is tuneless pounding. Not fun at all. Those fucking dicks. What can I say to them?

I talked with EG on skype today and he looked so unbelievably hot and handsome and wise and ...real. I almost cried. I just stared at him for so many minutes, as long as I could. He looked into the camera so I could pretend I was looking in his eyes. I can hear how cheesy that sounds, but how can I care when that's all I have? When I get that connection again, that real connection, it will be like air can finally flow through me again. I need him. I need his grin, his intelligent grin. Every day he gets smarter and I feel luckier. I don't feel less worthy though, just grateful that he is in my life. It doesn't help to see him, even though I'd die if I didn't. It makes me more sad, knowing what I'm missing. I belong with that grin, with those lips, those arms, those eyes. I got lost in his eyes. It's a cliche because it applies to real love.

This blog hasn't been enough about turning off the dark for that to be the title, but the darkness of my blog drought has ended!