Zen

I saw an old couple today and it got me thinking -- they used to be a young couple. They used to have plans and dreams. They used to be passionate and close and uncomfortable and nervous and excited. Now they're calm. Pleased. Extremely comfortable, if comfort can be extreme. They know each other better than anyone else ever could. Next time you see an old couple, make up a story for them, how they met, how their life went. It feels good.

*****

I bought EG a Zen Garden for his birthday and he likes it. At first, he didn't really get it. "I think I need some plants," he said, "or something to add some colour, spruce it up a bit. Now he's into it. He rakes around, making designs, never quite satisfied with the end result, with the picture he makes. "I don't think I'm doing it right!" He keeps saying. "That's not the point," I always cry. "There is no right or wrong way to rake a zen garden! It's supposed to be soothing." Eventually, he said "I think I figured it out. It's not about what it looks like, it's the act of tending it that matters." Yup.

Can it be? (Is it she? Sacreblue! Invadeurs!)

I think my one want is beginning to come true!

EG just suggested that we make a video for my family and friends for a gift for them to watch on Christmas day! That is very considerate, fun, creative and sweet! And totally unprompted! It's not like I said "Well, if we can't be there for Christmas, we have to send them something," or "what shall I get them for Christmas," or anything like that! It was just out of the blue!

I didn't think I could love him more and now I do!

**********

In other news, and it's not really news, I'm reading the 12th (I like the way t-w-e-l-f-t-h is pronounced, with the l and the f and the th sounds all together) book in a series of lame yet addictive fantasy books and it's fucking wicked. I want to be an Aes Sedai, weilding the female half of the one power, I want to bond EG as my warder and I think I would choose to join the Grey Ajah, the diplomatic one. That is a tough choice, and not one I'm certain about -- there's somthing to be said about the Green Ajah, standing up to fight when they're needed...or the Blue, focused on causes...and I'm certainly interested in the Yellow Ajah, who specialise in healing, very me. But I think the Grey covers everything I want -- unity and peace. I'll be trained in negotiating and dealing with nobles, of course I'd be more powerful than royalty, but that doesn't matter to me.

I also think I wouldn't take on the Aes Sedai calmness all the time. I think I'd be one of the few who chooses to let her emotions out unless it's absolutely necessary to keep them in. I'd win people over by being honest and trusting. That's what I do in the real world -- people trust me because I trust them. And because I'm unassuming, that's key. A lot of people tell me amazing secrets because they underestimate me. Not that I use them to their disadvantage, that's not what I'd want. But it does feel good to know a lot about people, and it feels very good when I can actually help them find solutions to their problems.

What the hell am I talking about? I'm in fantasy world. I need to finish the book and get back to reality! (don't worry, a little part of myself will stay there, as usual!)

WANT

Someone did a quiz thing on facebook wondering what I want. My one big want. And it got me thinking -- it's gotta be something I can't control, because I technically can have the things I can control so it's slightly boring to say I want them, know what I mean? So what I really want is this:

For EG to love and want to spend time with all the people I love and want to spend time with. Is that a huge want? If he loved and wanted all the people I love and want to spend time with, I don't think I could get as sad as I sometimes get because I'd have all my important people around me all the time. Yes, someone could die or get sick or go away or people can even fight or break up, but this, for now, is what I really want.

Nice

Let's do this shit. My blog was unreadable for a while for personal reasons which I will not go into, but I'm blogging again because life is short and I like to share it.

I am in Nice -- first thing about that is I MISS EG! too much! again! argh!
But he is my HOME and I'm so so happy about that -- when I get back, everything will be okay. that's in 3 ish weeks. argh.

But I'm here in Nice which is ssssssssooooooooo freaking beautiful. it's like a Mediterranean classy chic Vegas. I love it. I want to be almost all the French girls I see. Here, the fashion isn't tights and a long sweater, which I'm quite sick of (mostly because it doesn't look so good on me) but a lot of black tight skirts with flattering tops and high boots. and really long hair! mine's too short! so I love it here and though I'm trying to be vegan for vanity reasons, I'm eating a lot of cheese. mmmmmm.

I bought some oil pastels and a quill and ink and a very nice journal with thick blank paper and I spend time on the rocks by the sea writing and drawing. A snippit:

All I can hear is crashing.
It's good.
It's waves.
Louder than peace usually is.
I'm tasting perfect strawberries
crunchy and soft and
Marvelously ripe.
And don't forget the guilty pleasure
Emphasis on the pleasure
Pain au (oh!) sucre.

But I'm missing home, all my homes. Home with EG, home with my mommy, home in the theatre. Home with the real me who keeps getting lost. Well, I feel more like me with a quill and ink and journal and oil pastels and the sea with the wind blowing my not-quite-long-enough hair over my face and off my neck.

I miss my friends. I need them. I need you. Let's be friends again.

***************

I'm babysitting here. a baby. a 5 week old baby, I started when he was just 2 and a half weeks old. Have you ever smelled a newborn's head?

i n t o x i c a t i n g.

infuriating.

so much to do before I smell my own newborn's head.

Alathariel -- get on the West End before you have a baby.

That would be nice.

The Land of the Lost

Have I mentioned how I feel about EG? My English Gentleman. My strong, smart, sexy, tall, hilarious English Gentleman.

I don't understand how I can feel like this -- excited and comfortable at the same time. I always have that falling sensation but it feels so good!

And have I mentioned the sex? Holymotherfucker. He kills me. Last night, he destroyed me. It was so fucking incredible I shouldn't be blogging about it, I should be in bed dreaming about it, planning for tonight.

I didn't move here for him. But let's face it -- I moved here because of him. And no, I haven't found a job yet, I haven't made any friends, I haven't gotten into any shows yet. But it's worth it. I'll figure those things out. I'll get a job, I have friends, I took some plays out of the library. My EG is where it's at.

Remember how I felt 2 years ago when I first fell in love with him? The feeling is actually, ACTUALLY getting stronger. Like waterfalls through my veins constantly. Wicked.

I love it here.

C cup

Dude. My boobs are smaller. I'm a little upset about that.

I'm wearing this bra I stole from my friend (who got it for free, who never wears it) and it fits like a dream except it's digging right between the girls. Hahaha, that's what Stacey from TLC's What Not To Wear calls breasts. I'm surprised she doesn't say "girl." A beautiful leopard print shoe.

Remember how I like children's literature? Well, I found some new good books. The Percy Jackson series is awesome, the guy's got a very good sense of humour. I think the series is over and that makes me sad. As sad as my small tits. Seriously, I was an E before. But the books are getting more and more mature -- is it too much to hope for that they'll have sex? I really want them to.

The thing with grown-up fantasy books is that they're horribly written. But there's sex. And people my age. And swearing. Well, swearing in another world, so it's things like "blood and ashes!" But they get in trouble for saying that, so it's like "motherfucker!" I would like to put in a request for children's books to be more realistic -- sex and swearing, please. Well, maybe I'll have it in my book. Hmm...I'm coming up with something. It's gonna be hot.

So I can't stand it, like I really can't stand it, when people say "they're saying now..." and then mention something they heard on the news. I'm looking after my friend's mom, who's nothing but the sweetest woman ever, but she can't stop watching the news and then telling me what they're saying. "They're saying now that tanning beds are bad for you." No fucking shit, Sherlock. "They're saying you shouldn't give your phone number out on the internet, so I called my daughter and told her to take it off her facebook account." Oh, really? That's unsafe? "Where's Kelowna? Far away? Good. A boy got bit by a rattlesnake." Oh. My. God. I'm not a fan of the "news" at all.

Remember that bra I mentioned? I was wearing it because it looked sooooooooo hot on me, but now I took it off and I feel really free.

I dunno, I feel like maybe my priorities are way out of synch with everyone else's. Not to say that any priorities are better than others. We're just so different. I don't worry so much about this and that. Whether or not I'll get sick, the weather, rattlesnakes, identity theft, de-humidifiers. I worry about making my mom proud of me, about whether or not I'll make friends in England, about being a good friend, about my shrinking chichis.

Hm. Firefox accepts "chichis" as a correctly spelled word.

Here is a list of things that happen -- they just happen, so I'm not going to get upset about them anymore, even if I'm PMSing:

* Technology fails me. I cannot rely on it.

* New shoes give me blisters. They rip my ankles to shreds.

* Commercials suck.

* I often accidentally break spiderwebs with my face.

* Right after I spend a tiny bit of money superfluously, I need it for a problem that arises.

*Children won't listen (sometimes).

* Roommates will write passive aggressive notes on the fridge.

* Nail polish will get ruined in the drying period.

* Webcam sex is not simple.

* My mother will unintentionally make me feel bad when I really need her to make me feel good.

* Cheap shampoo makes my hair feel like shit.

* Stretchy jeans don't fit well if you wear them for a whole day.

* Everything -- EVERYTHING -- costs money. Usually more than I thought.

* Taxi companies don't care about me and so I have to wait and call and call again.

* Kids under five will kick me in the face.


I just realised how negative this is! But really, it's a good thing because I'm putting these things in bubbles and blowing them away. Here's why I can handle them:

* Technology -- when it fails me, I do something fun!

* Blisters -- the worse the blisters, the sexier the legs!

* Commercials -- so I turn off the TV! Plus, I can watch online or rent good shows.

* Spiderwebs -- I feel like a fairy.

* Money -- the thing I spend it on is often worth it, i.e. food with friends or skinny jeans.

* Children -- I get to give them back, or, they end up listening.

* Roommates -- they also write nice comments on my facebook profile picture.

* Nail polish -- nobody cares. and if they do, I don't like them. did you know they call it nail varnish in some places? Crazy.

* Websex -- a) I won't have to do it much longer, b) it's fun and funny.

* Mommy -- makes me feel good when I least expect it and didn't know I needed it.

* Bad shampoo -- the crappiness makes me have to put my hair up in a messy way and I like it.

* Stretchy jeans -- a) You feel like you're quickly losing weight, no matter what you eat that day and b) when you wash them, they fit like a charm again.

* Money -- There's nothing that makes this good. But there's no use complaining because it doesn't help and it spreads bad karma. The lawyers who charge 60 bucks for 30 seconds of their time to sign a fucking form and THAT'S IT, well, their karma is shot and I will see them in their fire-y money hell from my fairy dust full paradise.

* Taxi companies -- I have a bike, I'll be with my man soon, I'm still safe and sound, jumping into bed super late is a really good feeling.

* Getting kicked in the face -- They pay me $15 an hour. I'm a warrior, I can take it for $15 an hour.



So that's better. I can breathe. I don't need to stress out about these things. It's pointless. Because they are inevitable, unstoppable happenstances that I have absolutely no control over. There's a lot that I can control and I feel so good when I exercise that control! For example -- I'm wearing skinny jeans and I look really, really hot.