Zen

I saw an old couple today and it got me thinking -- they used to be a young couple. They used to have plans and dreams. They used to be passionate and close and uncomfortable and nervous and excited. Now they're calm. Pleased. Extremely comfortable, if comfort can be extreme. They know each other better than anyone else ever could. Next time you see an old couple, make up a story for them, how they met, how their life went. It feels good.

*****

I bought EG a Zen Garden for his birthday and he likes it. At first, he didn't really get it. "I think I need some plants," he said, "or something to add some colour, spruce it up a bit. Now he's into it. He rakes around, making designs, never quite satisfied with the end result, with the picture he makes. "I don't think I'm doing it right!" He keeps saying. "That's not the point," I always cry. "There is no right or wrong way to rake a zen garden! It's supposed to be soothing." Eventually, he said "I think I figured it out. It's not about what it looks like, it's the act of tending it that matters." Yup.

Can it be? (Is it she? Sacreblue! Invadeurs!)

I think my one want is beginning to come true!

EG just suggested that we make a video for my family and friends for a gift for them to watch on Christmas day! That is very considerate, fun, creative and sweet! And totally unprompted! It's not like I said "Well, if we can't be there for Christmas, we have to send them something," or "what shall I get them for Christmas," or anything like that! It was just out of the blue!

I didn't think I could love him more and now I do!

**********

In other news, and it's not really news, I'm reading the 12th (I like the way t-w-e-l-f-t-h is pronounced, with the l and the f and the th sounds all together) book in a series of lame yet addictive fantasy books and it's fucking wicked. I want to be an Aes Sedai, weilding the female half of the one power, I want to bond EG as my warder and I think I would choose to join the Grey Ajah, the diplomatic one. That is a tough choice, and not one I'm certain about -- there's somthing to be said about the Green Ajah, standing up to fight when they're needed...or the Blue, focused on causes...and I'm certainly interested in the Yellow Ajah, who specialise in healing, very me. But I think the Grey covers everything I want -- unity and peace. I'll be trained in negotiating and dealing with nobles, of course I'd be more powerful than royalty, but that doesn't matter to me.

I also think I wouldn't take on the Aes Sedai calmness all the time. I think I'd be one of the few who chooses to let her emotions out unless it's absolutely necessary to keep them in. I'd win people over by being honest and trusting. That's what I do in the real world -- people trust me because I trust them. And because I'm unassuming, that's key. A lot of people tell me amazing secrets because they underestimate me. Not that I use them to their disadvantage, that's not what I'd want. But it does feel good to know a lot about people, and it feels very good when I can actually help them find solutions to their problems.

What the hell am I talking about? I'm in fantasy world. I need to finish the book and get back to reality! (don't worry, a little part of myself will stay there, as usual!)

WANT

Someone did a quiz thing on facebook wondering what I want. My one big want. And it got me thinking -- it's gotta be something I can't control, because I technically can have the things I can control so it's slightly boring to say I want them, know what I mean? So what I really want is this:

For EG to love and want to spend time with all the people I love and want to spend time with. Is that a huge want? If he loved and wanted all the people I love and want to spend time with, I don't think I could get as sad as I sometimes get because I'd have all my important people around me all the time. Yes, someone could die or get sick or go away or people can even fight or break up, but this, for now, is what I really want.

Nice

Let's do this shit. My blog was unreadable for a while for personal reasons which I will not go into, but I'm blogging again because life is short and I like to share it.

I am in Nice -- first thing about that is I MISS EG! too much! again! argh!
But he is my HOME and I'm so so happy about that -- when I get back, everything will be okay. that's in 3 ish weeks. argh.

But I'm here in Nice which is ssssssssooooooooo freaking beautiful. it's like a Mediterranean classy chic Vegas. I love it. I want to be almost all the French girls I see. Here, the fashion isn't tights and a long sweater, which I'm quite sick of (mostly because it doesn't look so good on me) but a lot of black tight skirts with flattering tops and high boots. and really long hair! mine's too short! so I love it here and though I'm trying to be vegan for vanity reasons, I'm eating a lot of cheese. mmmmmm.

I bought some oil pastels and a quill and ink and a very nice journal with thick blank paper and I spend time on the rocks by the sea writing and drawing. A snippit:

All I can hear is crashing.
It's good.
It's waves.
Louder than peace usually is.
I'm tasting perfect strawberries
crunchy and soft and
Marvelously ripe.
And don't forget the guilty pleasure
Emphasis on the pleasure
Pain au (oh!) sucre.

But I'm missing home, all my homes. Home with EG, home with my mommy, home in the theatre. Home with the real me who keeps getting lost. Well, I feel more like me with a quill and ink and journal and oil pastels and the sea with the wind blowing my not-quite-long-enough hair over my face and off my neck.

I miss my friends. I need them. I need you. Let's be friends again.

***************

I'm babysitting here. a baby. a 5 week old baby, I started when he was just 2 and a half weeks old. Have you ever smelled a newborn's head?

i n t o x i c a t i n g.

infuriating.

so much to do before I smell my own newborn's head.

Alathariel -- get on the West End before you have a baby.

That would be nice.

The Land of the Lost

Have I mentioned how I feel about EG? My English Gentleman. My strong, smart, sexy, tall, hilarious English Gentleman.

I don't understand how I can feel like this -- excited and comfortable at the same time. I always have that falling sensation but it feels so good!

And have I mentioned the sex? Holymotherfucker. He kills me. Last night, he destroyed me. It was so fucking incredible I shouldn't be blogging about it, I should be in bed dreaming about it, planning for tonight.

I didn't move here for him. But let's face it -- I moved here because of him. And no, I haven't found a job yet, I haven't made any friends, I haven't gotten into any shows yet. But it's worth it. I'll figure those things out. I'll get a job, I have friends, I took some plays out of the library. My EG is where it's at.

Remember how I felt 2 years ago when I first fell in love with him? The feeling is actually, ACTUALLY getting stronger. Like waterfalls through my veins constantly. Wicked.

I love it here.

C cup

Dude. My boobs are smaller. I'm a little upset about that.

I'm wearing this bra I stole from my friend (who got it for free, who never wears it) and it fits like a dream except it's digging right between the girls. Hahaha, that's what Stacey from TLC's What Not To Wear calls breasts. I'm surprised she doesn't say "girl." A beautiful leopard print shoe.

Remember how I like children's literature? Well, I found some new good books. The Percy Jackson series is awesome, the guy's got a very good sense of humour. I think the series is over and that makes me sad. As sad as my small tits. Seriously, I was an E before. But the books are getting more and more mature -- is it too much to hope for that they'll have sex? I really want them to.

The thing with grown-up fantasy books is that they're horribly written. But there's sex. And people my age. And swearing. Well, swearing in another world, so it's things like "blood and ashes!" But they get in trouble for saying that, so it's like "motherfucker!" I would like to put in a request for children's books to be more realistic -- sex and swearing, please. Well, maybe I'll have it in my book. Hmm...I'm coming up with something. It's gonna be hot.

So I can't stand it, like I really can't stand it, when people say "they're saying now..." and then mention something they heard on the news. I'm looking after my friend's mom, who's nothing but the sweetest woman ever, but she can't stop watching the news and then telling me what they're saying. "They're saying now that tanning beds are bad for you." No fucking shit, Sherlock. "They're saying you shouldn't give your phone number out on the internet, so I called my daughter and told her to take it off her facebook account." Oh, really? That's unsafe? "Where's Kelowna? Far away? Good. A boy got bit by a rattlesnake." Oh. My. God. I'm not a fan of the "news" at all.

Remember that bra I mentioned? I was wearing it because it looked sooooooooo hot on me, but now I took it off and I feel really free.

I dunno, I feel like maybe my priorities are way out of synch with everyone else's. Not to say that any priorities are better than others. We're just so different. I don't worry so much about this and that. Whether or not I'll get sick, the weather, rattlesnakes, identity theft, de-humidifiers. I worry about making my mom proud of me, about whether or not I'll make friends in England, about being a good friend, about my shrinking chichis.

Hm. Firefox accepts "chichis" as a correctly spelled word.

Here is a list of things that happen -- they just happen, so I'm not going to get upset about them anymore, even if I'm PMSing:

* Technology fails me. I cannot rely on it.

* New shoes give me blisters. They rip my ankles to shreds.

* Commercials suck.

* I often accidentally break spiderwebs with my face.

* Right after I spend a tiny bit of money superfluously, I need it for a problem that arises.

*Children won't listen (sometimes).

* Roommates will write passive aggressive notes on the fridge.

* Nail polish will get ruined in the drying period.

* Webcam sex is not simple.

* My mother will unintentionally make me feel bad when I really need her to make me feel good.

* Cheap shampoo makes my hair feel like shit.

* Stretchy jeans don't fit well if you wear them for a whole day.

* Everything -- EVERYTHING -- costs money. Usually more than I thought.

* Taxi companies don't care about me and so I have to wait and call and call again.

* Kids under five will kick me in the face.


I just realised how negative this is! But really, it's a good thing because I'm putting these things in bubbles and blowing them away. Here's why I can handle them:

* Technology -- when it fails me, I do something fun!

* Blisters -- the worse the blisters, the sexier the legs!

* Commercials -- so I turn off the TV! Plus, I can watch online or rent good shows.

* Spiderwebs -- I feel like a fairy.

* Money -- the thing I spend it on is often worth it, i.e. food with friends or skinny jeans.

* Children -- I get to give them back, or, they end up listening.

* Roommates -- they also write nice comments on my facebook profile picture.

* Nail polish -- nobody cares. and if they do, I don't like them. did you know they call it nail varnish in some places? Crazy.

* Websex -- a) I won't have to do it much longer, b) it's fun and funny.

* Mommy -- makes me feel good when I least expect it and didn't know I needed it.

* Bad shampoo -- the crappiness makes me have to put my hair up in a messy way and I like it.

* Stretchy jeans -- a) You feel like you're quickly losing weight, no matter what you eat that day and b) when you wash them, they fit like a charm again.

* Money -- There's nothing that makes this good. But there's no use complaining because it doesn't help and it spreads bad karma. The lawyers who charge 60 bucks for 30 seconds of their time to sign a fucking form and THAT'S IT, well, their karma is shot and I will see them in their fire-y money hell from my fairy dust full paradise.

* Taxi companies -- I have a bike, I'll be with my man soon, I'm still safe and sound, jumping into bed super late is a really good feeling.

* Getting kicked in the face -- They pay me $15 an hour. I'm a warrior, I can take it for $15 an hour.



So that's better. I can breathe. I don't need to stress out about these things. It's pointless. Because they are inevitable, unstoppable happenstances that I have absolutely no control over. There's a lot that I can control and I feel so good when I exercise that control! For example -- I'm wearing skinny jeans and I look really, really hot.

Genius From Letters From London

I gotta say, I love that girl's blog. She's an amazing writer. Can someone convince her to publish? I'm a little intimidated that she's a real person. Couldn't she be famous and untouchable so I can just enjoy her fucking blog?

Existentialism, Transcripts and Porn

So, so, so many things. Might have to do a point form again as my mind is in a strange place due to caffeine. Sorry it's been so long, first of all.

* EG came to visit and it was great. Sex was fucking wicked, talks were good. Very few tears, despite the reintroduction of the evil pill into my system. The only tears were because he loudly said I was just like his mum while on the phone with his dad who is constantly frustrated by his mum...So I immediately thought his dad would hate me and warn EG against me and then EG said that was crazy, that nobody else thought that way (even though 2 of my friends saw my point immediately) and that it was just a reflex to be annoyed when anyone mumbled instructions while he's on the phone. Fair point, I hate when people do that to me. I was just trying to help and I never did it before or after! So we both apologised and both forgave and everything was fine over spaghetti bolognese and wine. No wine, really, but it was a nice little rhyme.

* EG had to leave early because he had a BIG interview to be a lecturer at his old university! He's not even done his masters yet, and he's interviewing to be a lecturer! He's just 24! anyway, his laptop got a virus meaning a lot of dough went right out the fucking window to fix it. Then, because of the virus, he lost his office package and we had to buy him one of those to prepare for the interview. Then we had to get him a suit for the interview! That's some serious fucking wonga! Buuuuut -- all worth it because he GOT THE JOB! He's thrilled and I'm thrilled which leads me to...

*I'm moving to England in September. FINALLY. f-i-n-a-l-l-y! I'm gonna try to get a working holiday visa, find a job, move in with EG and make this thing happen! He's so excited, he can't stop looking at places and sending me links! It's gonna be amazing! I reallllly cannot express my excitement enough. No need to fantasise even because reality is so freaking sweet!

* I type transcripts all day, every day. I drank a biiiig cup of quite strong coffee last night at midnight to stay up late to do them. It made it kind of fun. I felt great this morning on only 4 hours sleep! But I felt awful around 5pm...Not learning anyone else's lesson of BACKING UP WORK, I lost 40 hours of typing and have to do it again. It has to be completely finished by Sunday. There aren't enough hours! I hate it a lot! On the other hand...

*I'm probably gonna put an ad on craigslist saying I'll do transcripts for relatively cheap. Lots of extra cash, and I can work naked in bed if I want. Any job where I can work naked in bed...wait...how can I backpedal out of this statement?

*EG got me into the UK Apprentice. Thank God it's over, 'cause I fucking loved it. I usually HATE reality TV, but man was this good. The suspence was terrible! (I hope it'll last...)

*EG thinks I'm an existentialist. He has yet to tell me why. Isn't Simone De Beauvoir an existentialist? Neenia, don't you know about her? what's the dealio, yo? Is it true? He's so smart, my big strong man...He's getting really into philosophy. He started out getting a (first class) degree in Football Studies and now he's gonna be a Sociology lecturer. And he'll get his PhD eventually...Dr English Gentleman...Mrs Dr English Gentleman...sounds wicked...

*My computer is now Windows as opposed to Linux (the switch was how I lost my 40 hours of work...) which means I can do lots of things I couldn't before. I can download Harry Potter audio books on bit torrent, I can use microsoft word, itunes, I can play pet society again on facebook, I have media player and ... I can watch a lot more porn. I'm already bored with it though. I'm back to erotic stories. Always more creative and less leggy-blondes. sigh, can't wait til regular sex is in my life again...

*I really want to be in another musicall. Hair, please. The passion in it, in most of the songs, always gets to me. There's just something about it. I really think I belong in that show, at least once, I don't care who I am. Well, I'd obviously love to be Genie. I think I'll try and put it on in Southampton.

*I'm a little noivous that I won't have friends in Southampton...I'll make some though, right? There's theatre there, and that's all I need, right? There's theatre there, right?

* I need to type more and go to sleeeep.

*Last September, I weighed myself at a friend's house and this particular scale had little colourful markers so you can set goals and stuff, mark where you're at at one point in time. So the red was where I weighed in September and the blue was where I wanted to be. I went there last week and -- I surpassed the blue! This is wicked! I weigh what it says on my resume now! So I can lower what it says on my resume! I just have to maintain when I go to England...nothing's like BC for losing weight and being healthy so I reeeeally need to make sure I don't slip into gross habits...today I ate 7 cookies...

*I watched some Travesty stuff online just now and was proud of myself! I sound good, we all do! I was really upset and uncomfortable with my performance in that show at the time, for some reason, because, watching it now, it was great! The thing is, why aren't there any comments on youtube? veeery few people commented on like, two of them! I want more, my ego needs petting!

* I'm twenty-six. There's no denying the grown-upness of that statement. Twenty-six years old is an ADULT's age. When I was younger, not much younger, I was sure I'd have kids/be famous by now. All these expectations, why do we do it to ourselves? Oh, I know, because we see other poeple do things and then think it's possible but what we don't know is, time flies. and then you're twenty six. Not a mother, not a working actress. I have plans, that's all. I'm not gonna get depressed because I was feeling really hopeful like a minute ago. But it's just weird. I graduated at twenty one... How do you measure a year in the life? No, I know how -- measure in love. Not cheesy. It's the way I want to live, the way I believe is right. The question is, how do you get people (like my mother) to measure in love?

Taking stock of what I have and what I haven't...
Daylights, sunsets, midnights, cups of coffee,
inches (lost!), miles, laughter and strife...

Another year of that. How lucky am I?

Things You Might Like To Know

* I broke my wrist while rollerblading. Yes, rollerblading.

* I didn't get in to RENT. I'm genuinely not upset by this as I am really not fond of the director or his company and it isn't a professional production anyway.

* I'm gonna be in my first student film on Monday as a sexy server! I hope I get at least one line!

* EG is coming to stay with me for almost three weeks! So many exciting plans and surprises! Lots to do!!! Need to wax everything...

* My right nipple is really itchy at the moment.

* EG is talking like we're absolutely moving in together in September! It's happening, no questions! Except the how...

* I'm almost really sick of Vancouver. She treated me so well all winter and the beginning of spring, but now she's being a complete twat.

* I actually know about globalisation. I can quote Foucault.

* Passive aggression is my new biggest pet peeve and I think it will keep the lead for a long time. I'm really really trying to be chill when people get passive aggressive on my ass but it just makes my blood boil and so I talk behind their backs...

* I'm going to be twenty-fucking-six in a month. Twenty-sick.

* I've had dreams about my imaginary wedding for 3 nights in a row now. I think it'll be a while before I get a proposal, if ever.

* Doing the dishes makes my hands feel really dry but I don't like those gloves.

* It's hard to not eat bread when you're allowed to eat bread when it's there. I'm good at home, no problem, but babysitting = carbs!

* I'm probably getting a beautiful purple bike on Tuesday! I wanna get streamers for the handlebars and those clicky things for the spokes and, most importantly, a basket!!!

* My room's clean, except the floor needs vaccuming. You try vaccuming with a broken wrist.

* I've gotten into passive aggressive notes (google that shit) online...I think my house would win.

* I'm going to have the loudest possible sex when he gets here.

*I'd really like a psychologist...or psychiatrist, whichever is the one without meds. I don't need pills to clear my head! In fact, that would cloud it more! I just need an objective listener to whom I can tell everything in my life.

* The neighbours are playing really shitty music.

* I like this new show: The Inbetweeners. Check it out. OV Guide. You won't regret it.

* I overrate tonight, but it was just tomato soup! Still, don't get back into the habit. No part of it feels good. Oh, except for the part where the soup was in my mouth.

* You know how I've never particularly wanted fame and fortune but I've always known I'd end up with them? Well I'm starting to worry that my brilliance will remain unnoticed! Now, that's fine...but not for my castle...

* I think I might have kids' songs in my head for the rest of my life. Hmm.

*I miss teaching! I loved those little ankle biters! I knew how to put on a wicked show!

* I've never appreciated the convention of Friday and Saturday nights. I understand the fact that if we all partied on different nights of the week, no one would get any sleep, 'cause of the noise. But I don't like the pressure! Or the lame things people choose to do and enjoy enforcing on their friend Alathariel.

* The Nanny was a really good show!


*Time to sleep.

Anotastic!

Okay, I'm calming down. I've learned two things:

1) I've lost 20 pounds since last summer, 10 since christmas specifically. So I am losing, just really really slowly and healthily. Fuck that, because here's the second thing I learned:

2) It all comes down to burning more calories than you eat. Obviously, I already knew that, but it really just hit me, I guess. EG says that if you sit around and do nothing all day, you burn 1000 calories. Ok, perfect, if I could just eat about 1000 calories a day and then exercise a bit, I'd burn more than I eat!

SO, for the past few days, I've been a bit crazy with eating teeny tiny portions of things, and today, too, but I just now realised how calorific (note: that word is not underlined in red by firefox...I thought I made it up...) cheese and nuts are. Yikes. I REALLY love cheese and I really love nuts. So, portion limits, no problem, right? Do it the French Women Don't Get Fat way, eat slowly, lo-o-ove the food and savour every bite. Chew more than usual and have a sip of water after each swallow. Feel full faster and avoid indigestion and hiccups! Oh, and lose weight.

I don't understand how my mind and emotions are all changing so much on this topic. It's really confusing. I think there's so much propaganda out there and so many good smells that it's just a mess in that part of my brain, but I really feel like I've been trying to sort this shit out for years!

As I know I'm living healthily, and getting better, I shouldn't worry anymore. It just bugs me that a) I don't fit into skinny jeans yet and b) I won't be super fit for EG.

Oh, and EG also said, when I told him I'm getting fit slowly, "remember how much you weighed last summer? Well, I thought you were sexy then!" So, I'm an idiot hole, but...it's hard not to be. I know you're all (and by all, I don't just mean blog circlers, I mean everyone) fucked up about your body image in one way or another.

Funny note: In the comments of my last post, Skinny Rabbit told me I should do sit ups before I wake up and before I go to bed.

Think about it.

My Eating Disorder

Have I already had that title? I feel like I have because I've had this issue forever.

I have a few things to confess. The reasons I say I want to be fit -- for my health, my happiness, energy, because I'd rather run around all day than sit down all day, my career -- are all true, but they are NOT the only reasons. I will now tell you the terrible reasons that are also true:

*EG would find me sexier if I were fitter. We could have sex standing up. I'd be at his level of fitness. I'd be at his level of hotness.

*I'm jealous of one of my best friends who used to look like me and now looks like a model. A teeny, tiny model in skinny jeans. I find myself thinking horrible thoughts like "well, her boobs are way smaller now."



I'm trying guys. I am. I go to yoga, I go to Burlesque Aerobics, I eat so much better than before! I pretty much cut out bread -- I only eat wraps about once a week. I cut out milk because people were freaking me out about the hormones. I eat vegetables. I don't eat pasta or rice. My cookie habits have lessened enormously. Literally, like 2 cookies a week.

After all this, I think I'm gaining weight. I always thought giving up bread would be the last resort. I mean, you know I've tried eating well and working out and it's not working, I've always got quitting bread on the back burner. So now I've quit and qu'est-ce que fuck? Why is my tummy still so big? Why can't I fit into size 30 jeans?


So here's my newest plan: I'm going on a ridiculous fast/cleanse that has to last at least 6 days. No more than 20. No more than 20! it says! 20 fucking days of no food?!? Why do they have to put a maximum? Who wants to fast for more than 20 days? They say you'll resist getting off the fast because you feel such euphoria. I'd fucking better. During the fast, I have to do 20 minutes of cardio/day. Fine, easy.

So...is there anything else I can do? I mean, should I just start throwing up after every meal?

Turn Off the Dark

Hello blogworld -- I'm back!

I don't know why I haven't blogged in so long! EG thinks it's because I'm happy. I think it's partly because it's a little inconvenient to sign in to blogger when I'm already on my other gmail account. I'm sure I can just change my blog's email...

But no harm done, I'm back, aren't I?

What can I discuss? Everything? Anything? I feel like someone just asked me "so, what are you doing now?" and I don't like to dignify that question with the answer they expect, i.e. to say where I go every day to make money.

I'll say a few things that are on my mind. This is particularly on my mind at this very moment:

I have a friend over and we are laughing about something quite funny, and my roommates just knocked on the wall. It's midnight. Fair enough, right? Absofuckinglutely wrong. This is a fucking noisy house. Last night they had their base pumped up through a sub-woofer so high, I still have a headache. I didn't say anything, because I was warned, this is a noisy house, and I accept that. They fuck every single night, regardless of the hour, and she squeals like a coyote being run over by a tractor. They recorded a drum track at midnight, keeping all of their extra storage stuff in my room for three nights in a row and I had no problem with it. I can't think of other examples right now, because I'm livid, but TRUST ME, there are tons of examples. Almost every night, there's a lot of noise in this house. I already have a fucking headache and now that I'm so upset, it's ten times worse. I need to vent in blog form so I can let it go in real life -- THOSE MOTHERFUCKING, COCKSUCKING CUNTS CAN LICK ME WHERE I BLEED. I'm reeeeeeeeeeeeeally not impressed. Either we're all allowed noise at any time, or none of us are allowed noise after a certain time. They need to get FUCKING EARPLUGS IF ONE NIGHT THEY FUCKING DECIDE THEY CAN'T SLEEP WHILE I CHAT WITH MY FRIEND AT MIDNIGHT. I thought they were great people and I would never accuse them of taking advantage of me until now.

I can't let this go long enough to write about anything else! rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll try though -- I'm auditioning for the new Spider-man musical by Bono and The Edge called Turn Off The Dark and I'm really excited. I'm going to Seattle to audition. I'm nervous. I want this part. I AM the new Spidey villain. I am she. They just haven't met me yet, they're going to be so excited when they finally find me next Monday.

I thought of another example -- they play their keyboard all the time, but to be considerate, they put the headphones in, so all I hear is tuneless pounding. Not fun at all. Those fucking dicks. What can I say to them?

I talked with EG on skype today and he looked so unbelievably hot and handsome and wise and ...real. I almost cried. I just stared at him for so many minutes, as long as I could. He looked into the camera so I could pretend I was looking in his eyes. I can hear how cheesy that sounds, but how can I care when that's all I have? When I get that connection again, that real connection, it will be like air can finally flow through me again. I need him. I need his grin, his intelligent grin. Every day he gets smarter and I feel luckier. I don't feel less worthy though, just grateful that he is in my life. It doesn't help to see him, even though I'd die if I didn't. It makes me more sad, knowing what I'm missing. I belong with that grin, with those lips, those arms, those eyes. I got lost in his eyes. It's a cliche because it applies to real love.

This blog hasn't been enough about turning off the dark for that to be the title, but the darkness of my blog drought has ended!

Holy Dosomeyoga, Batman!

I just heard about the Christian Bale freak out thing (if you don't know about it, it's easy to find on youtube) and I'm not happy about it.

The deal is that he was doing a really emotional, really tough scene, and the lights guy was walking around the set, not on camera, but in Bale's line of vision and more importantly, in the character's world. He went mental. Really, listen to it on youtube.

I enjoy not caring about celebrity lives -- what they're wearing, who they're fucking, what they're worshipping; those things mean nothing to me. But I was sad when I heard Christian Bale flipping out at the lights guy.

Because my problems are what they are, I can't imagine that Christian Bale has any real problems, problems worth losing his control. I wonder if his family life isn't very good?

He is a really successful actor. He is a really good actor. He's young. He's super fit. He has more money than anyone needs. ...why couldn't he control himself? And if this is a regular thing, why does he think it's okay?

If I'm lucky enough to be a successful actress, am I going to end up a diva?? I'm scared that it gets too easy to lose perspective and flip out.

Shouldn't an actor be able to concentrate on the scene no matter what's going on around them? But then, Christian Bale is a better actor than I'll ever be, so who am I to question his methods? If he thinks it's distracting having someone out of the world on set, then he's right.

But he didn't have to be such a dick about it. He should learn to meditate, or take anger management class or something.

Living Life in Peace

I forgot what I was going to write because I just read Skinny's new blog and it put the song "Pieces of You" by Jewel in my head. ...you say he's a faggot...

I was going to say something about the fact that I'm out of the slump. It's over. It's been years, I think, and just like that, it's gone, I can feel it. 

I dunno what it was, just a new year, a clean room, a fresh outlook, settling in, saddling up, auditioning 4 times in one week, having a few friends, lighting a few candles. It's nice, I like it.

I'm not going to dwell in the fact that the slump is over, but I will revel in my newfound self.

I've written a bit more to my book...s. I'd forgotten that the bit I wrote a couple nights ago is from another story completely. Sigh, will I ever finish anything?  Well, one of my books is coming together quite nicely! Imagine if I really, truly wrote a children's novel??? Imagine if it got published and sold and that's how I made my fortune? Insanity.

In other news, at one of my auditions, I pulled the old Claire is a brilliant slacker/improviser trick and ROCKED a monologue I learned that afternoon. It was so fucking funny y'all. My character was brilliant, I made the dude laugh like 5 times. Very unique and clever, if I do say so myself. I really love interpreting scripts MY way.

So, in short, I love acting, children's novels and honeycomb candles.

Cheater Cheater Vampire Eater

Some people have all the luck. There's probably a girl out there who was born with the same amount of talent and passion I was born with, but maybe her parents were famous musicians. Maybe her father was a successful director, her mother an opera singer. Said lucky girl grew up in a theatre! Money was never a problem for her, she started training in the womb, she was born with more connections than she knows what to do with.

Well, there would be no use in feeling bitter about that lucky girl's lot. I'm lucky too, just in different ways. I use what I have to make the best life I can possibly have. It's been such a grind lately but I truly feel I'm on my way. This year is my year, like I said. I know it will be a bumpy road and I'm okay with that. I embrace it. I can't wait to tell the story of how I got successful.

Now, I've just found out that really close friends of mine, a whole family in fact, are on depression medication. None of them are clinically depressed. Um, what? I don't understand it. Maybe I'm selfish, but my first reaction was one of outrage. "That's not fair!" I kept repeating, "That's cheating!" Those were the thoughts running through my head and out of my mouth.

We all have problems. Even lucky theatre girl. We deal with them. Don't you think it's cheating to go on medication to make you feel better about...life?! I mean, I don't know if any of you are on any sort of medication, so I'm sorry if I'm insulting you. I just don't get it.

No, I do get it, it's just not fair! Most people have to stick it out, don't they? I mean, it's like taking speed to stay up all night to study for a test--that would be considered cheating, wouldn't it? Taking steroids to help your muscles get bigger faster--totes cheating. Popping depression pills to stay happy when everyone else is trying to create their own happiness--it must be cheating! It's not fair!

On a slightly different note, all of you who know me know that I'm scatter brained, not so good a keeping tidy and organised. Well, I got a bit better in Switzerland, and now my room is perfect. I mean, there's nothing in there I don't use and there's a place for everything. It looks nice, I put away everything at the end of the day, I even make my bed every morning. I expect my life to fall into place as a direct result of this (and hard work and dedication, blah blah blah).

My roommates, the sex ones, are pretty successful musicians for their age. I mean, every time I talk to them, they're on their way from or to a recording studio or a gig or to teach. They have business cards for all their different bands and groups and they have promotional photos for everything. Wouldn't you think people like this wouldn't be messy people? Their rooms (the one they work in and the one they fuck in) are worse than the worst mine has ever been. Seriously. I don't know how they get anything done. They live in filth. Well, not filth, they're not dirty, just really really messy. And...

That's not fair! That's cheating! How do they keep their lives in order with messy rooms! I couldn't do it! It cluttered my brain, made me forget things, there was no way to keep track of my schedule! How do they do it?

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just searching for things to be jealous of? I hope not. I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm going to fight vampires the clean way. In every sense. I don't know if that's something I should be proud of, and I will certainly try not to boast. Chances are, there won't be much to boast about, but at least I'm trying.

My New Year

My wonderful man just left again, assuring me that he's quite excited for our next adventure which will come before we know it. After a tearful goodbye, I read a little Nick Hornby (Slam, it's a year old and I didn't even know about it!) and tried to pull myself together. I had a ticket issue with my own flight--I won't be back to Vancouver until Thursday--and there was a very surprisingly kind employee who did not charge me an expensive flight change fee! Really good way to kick off the year (as somehow I feel the year didn't start 'til EG disappeared...).

I can feel it: this year will be so much better than the last. I'll be so much stronger! I am so much stronger. It's excellent.

In keeping with kind of tradition, here are my New Year's Resos:

1. Save all twoonies in a jar.
2. Write more songs.
3. Work out 4 times a week (at least).
4. Help people more (but mostly my mommy).
5. Don't turn down jobs or skip work ever, for any reason unless I have to be at another job or literally cannot get out of bed.

I've learned that you can't just set a goal, saying "I want to be more in shape" because that doesn't tell you what actions to take and it feels like you're on your way to achieving the goal just because you declare that you want it. Or at least that's how I feel. When I set my sights on something, my mind just assumes I have it, I brush off my hands and say "well, I'm glad that's over with. Well done, Alathariel." So I can't keep doing that. I think this year, the resolutions are specific to daily and weekly life.

I like life. This year's going to be a good one, I can feel it.

Note: As I write this, I can hear the old lady who lives downstairs snoring. The whistling kind. It's haunting.