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My heart hurts with lack of English Gentleman. It's a disease. It must be cured. It will be on December the 14th, so I have to stay strong until then. There are a few treatments until then. The first is theatre and I'm about to sink my teeth into the best role I could ever get in musical theatre. The second is chocolate and I will keep a large supply of the dark stuff for emergencies (it'll be gone by next week). The third is friends and they've already kept me happy and sane. God I love them.

In other news, it seems as though my life is coming together in a way I've been hoping it would for a while. I'm going to be an assistant in a very cool lawyer's office, I'll be babysitting a couple days a week which actually pays a fortune, and I'll be teaching 4 ish classes a week. "Ish" because I think I'll only be assisting in 2 of them. I'm rehearsing for a musical, like I said the best part ever, and I'm co-putting on a burlesque show. I'm doing a kids birthday party this weekend (Anne of Green Gables themed) which will get me started in the department of doing kids birthday parties.

Hmm. Maybe it doesn't sound like much considering I want to be a movie star. I think I'm on my way though.

In the meantime, I have to fix this ache in my heart. Heartache I think it's called. It's hurting me and rendering me incapable of happiness when I'm alone. I hate being alone. I think I've grown allergic to it. I'm so done with it now. I'm so glad I have good company most of the time. I think I can't babysit every day as it's very lonely, even when the baby's awake and giggling. It just leaves me to my heartachy thoughts. And I have a lot of those. I don't think of much else when I'm alone. I hum to myself (to the tune of "Once Upon a Dream" from Sleeping Beauty) and think "EG is hot, EG is great, I love EG. The next time he comes here he will fuck me in this or that position and then I'll cook him breakfast. And I'm going to wear purple flowers in my hair at our wedding and our babies will be named Sebastian and Isabella.."

Should I move to England? I believe I have him wrapped around my little finger, so I think we'll end up here, but before that...before he's finished school, like next spring...should I move to England? Get a role in the West End while he becomes a sports psychologist? We could have a flat in London. Just the two of us. Ruling London town. Then we go to Toronto together, I get my theatre up and running and my TV show gets picked up and he can play for the Toronto FC.

"Are you an idiot?"
"No sir, I'm a dreamer."

The Life of the Party

I have to copy the Prince a little here. Needs vs Wants and so on...

"The Life of the Party" is...I think opposite of me.

Who needs money?
Not me.
Who needs fortune or fame?
I don't need a new career,
A sympathetic ear,
A name.

Okay, I do. I need all of those things. To survive? No, of course, I don't need any of those things.
But who's living just to survive? Can I meet those people and pinch them? I need those things to do what I want to do, to be where I want to be!

All I need is time to play,
Only want the game.

Listen, Kate from The Wild Party the Off-Broadway version, you can have all the time in the world to play, but how are you going to survive? I know you're not living just for survival, neither am I, don't lecture me. But survival is still an integral part of life. If you want to live you have to survive.

Point me to the mic
I know what I like!

Okay, that rhymes, that's why that's in there. But I do like the mic. So the song isn't my opposite. But mostly.

Who needs lovers?
Not I.
Who needs heaven above?
Don't have time for things unsaid,
For baking bread,
For love.

Okay, I'm starting to realise that, yeah, this Kate character is the life of the party, but I guess the play is trying to show that she's shallow. I hope anyway. I hope nobody expects me to not need lovers and heaven and mysteries and bread and love.

Love, bread, things unsaid, heaven, lovers--those things are the life of the party!

A name, a sympathetic ear, a new career, fame, fortune, money--icing, I guess? Well, I like icing, and I need it on my birthday cake.

Bodderfucker!

I'm sick.

I have an audition that I was very excited for and now my throat hurts and my nose is stuffed!!!

Why???

Lovesick!

So!!! I've been skimping on the deets lately. I don't know what to say to fill everyone in, but I know what to say about right now and must get it out!

EG just called me and said, "Okay, Alathariel. Do you still think I'm wonderful?" And I said "Of course I do! You're amazing!" And then he said, "And do you still want to see me?" And I said "Yes, I do!" And then he said "Well, I want to see you again. So let's do this. Let's make it happen."

And so we planned.

He said that we work the same way: we do what our hearts tell us to do and then we make our brains catch up.

I love him. I love love love him.

I'm (money pending) going to see him at the end of October, beginning of November ish and he's coming for Christmas. I think for two and a half weeks.

At one point, he said "You seem pretty chill." And I said "Well, I'm really excited, you're making me so happy but I'm not surprised." And I'm not. I knew he'd want to see me. I was already looking up prices to go see him and for him to come to me for Christmas.

I've been hungry for hours now and I can't eat. Can't-eat-can't-sleep-shout-it-from-rooftops kind of love!!!

I asked him what brought this on and he said his friend (Frenchie's lovah) got home today and he hugged him for a long time. And they went out for drinks and talked a lot and he really missed me but it didn't make him sad, it made him excited. Because he knew he wanted to see me again and that he could do that. God, he loves me so much it's disgusting. He makes kissy noises into the phone! Even I don't do that! Then he says "you've reduced me to a fucking chick!"

We ended the conversation like this "EG, just go to sleep now (it was really late for him) and don't be sad, you can dream about me so you won't be alone. I'll even go to bed early so I can dreamwalk and we can see each other!" And he laughed really hard and said "Oh Alathariel, you truly are a superstar."

Back to Feet

You know what whomps? When you spend a lot of time having wicked hot sex and then it gets taken away from you.

I have to get back on my feet now, but they've been up over my head for so long, I don't know if I can do it.

a Mark a Yen a Buck or a Pound

Money money money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world

Who is this rich man who laughs at my troubles?

I need to find him so I can kick him in the nuts.