Too Good!

I just got this text from my English Gentleman.

Hi Alathariel,
You're beautiful. You're beautiful and I think you should be reminded. You're beautiful and I hope to hold your hand against a thousand backgrounds.

I FEEL LIKE THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!!

Horoscope? Horror-scope more like...

Here's what I read on some website. About a Gemini girl and a Scorpio boy.

"This match is not good for either of you. He is very demanding and he doesn’t like anyone questioning his rules and habits. Meanwhile, you are freewheeling and flighty and you don’t believe in rules at all. He’ll be constantly grumpy with you, because he can’t change your spontaneous, outgoing nature. And why would you? Even if you did settle down to please him, you couldn't keep it up for long or you would be miserable. You may have sparks with a Scorpio boy, but the second you stop kissing you’ll find you have little in common. This is a don’t-do-it match for you."

This is complete bullshit. What the fuck do horoscopes know?! English Gentleman is not all into rules and routine! And I'm accepting of everyone's nature. Lick me where I bleed zodiac bitch!

Just Call Me Juliet

Guys! I'm seriously in love! this feeling is insane! I feel like a twelve year old! But like a horny one.

I can't stop sighing. I can't stop playing the song I wrote for him. I can't stop thinking about the song he wrote for me. What will it be like?

I'm so head over heals. So gone. So stuck. So happy. So torn.

I had a song stuck in my head but I couldn't remember how it went. Like at all. I said "I think the word 'learn' is in the chorus." and he got it in one guess. the word "learn" was not in the chorus.
He called me the Princess of the Stage.
he's getting perfecter and perfecter.

My New Song

Your silly pillow's calling me
And your arms are open wide
How can I get up today
No way
I'm staying by your side

I could smoke you
I could inject you
Any way that I can get you
I'm not supposed to succumb
To my addictions in the morning
But I'm warning you

Don't take you away from me
I've been through withdrawl
And all in all
It's not all it's cracked up to be
Don't take you away from me

Let the day go by without us
I can miss bacon and eggs
I'll feed on messing up your hair
And tangling up our legs
I could drink you
I could pop you like a pill
If there's a way to get you in me
I willI'm not supposed to succumb
To my addictions in the morning
But I'm warning you

Don't take you away from me
I've been through withdrawl
And all in all
It's not all it's cracked up to be
Don't take you away from me

I need my fix
I need one more word
Of that way you talk
Cuz the last I heard
Was that I'm hooked on your ways
On the days
On the lays
On the crazy times with you

Whatever you say
In that way
I'll obey
You don't have to pin me
You know you'll win me
With your lips
And your hands on my hips
And every single time you call french fries chips

I need a taste
Though it seems like a waste
Of a very expensive calling card
It's worth every cent
To hear the sound of a gent
And I'm intent on falling hard

I need a hit
Just a little bit
Give me one more chance
Just to run my hands
Through your hair
You're my hero
You're my heroine

Watching you watch me play guitar
Is better anyway
Than anything that I can take
To take it all away
I could smoke you
I could pop you like a pill
If there's a way to get you in me
I will
I'm not supposed to succumb
To my addictions in the morning
But I'm warning you

Don't take you away from me
I've been through withdrawl
And all in all
It's not all it's cracked up to be
Don't take you away from me

You're my hero
You're my heroine

Risky Business

Everyone keeps telling me to be careful (except Skinny who quoted Jamie). What does that mean? What am I supposed to do?

One friend reminded me that he's a manwhore and he might not be able to have an actual girlfriend. That's true. It's totally possible. I'm very thankful for her reminder. But...what am I supposed to do? Not try?

I've been wanting to move to England and be on the West End forEVER so, I'm clearly not thinking about it for him.

But what does that mean, "be careful?" How am I supposed to control my imagination? I can't control my feelings or...

There are risks in everything I do! EVERYTHING.

I'm risking. It's happening. Deal with it.

OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN!!!

English Gentleman just said "you should live here"!!!!!!!

I'm so high right now, I'm never gonna sleep again, am I?

The (best) Explanation (that I came up with)

It was entirely my decision.

I think I felt completely broken up with when he didn't want to move in with me and so I tried to make my peace with that and the result was that I stopped loving him in the same way.

That's what I think happened. I don't really know. I've been lookin back on past entries of my journals and this blog and I really loved him, didn't I? I really don't anymore.

We were making out on the first night in Rome and I was thinking "just get this over with and we'll be back to normal" and then he said "I feel funny" and I couldn't continue. I just couldn't do it. I had spoken to EG on the phone the night before and when I told him who I was going to Italy with, he sounded heartbroken. I hated that feeling. I know, I'm horrible.

I don't think I stopped having feelings for ...oh, man, I don't even know what to call him...he's not my lovah, he's not my boy...I'll call him Bowie, because he likes and wants to be Bowie... this is sad. Anyway, I don't think I stopped loving Bowie because of English Gentleman. But I think I broke up with him because of English Gentleman. But isn't it better to not be in a non-relationship?

EG really wants to see me again. And Frenchie told me that her lovah told her that he was totally bummed when I left. Also, she said that he said that he said that if he had a girlfriend, it would be with someone like me. That's what he said to another guy. In my head, that means he wants me to be his girlfriend. I might have to move to England. I gotta go see about a boy...

A Bomb

I don't know what to say. Too much has happened.

The next night, EG got me hella drunk and I apparently asked him a bunch of stupid questions like "what do you think of me" and "what's your ideal version of us?" Because I'm a girl and girls do that. He said "If I had to work a horrible job that I hated every day, if you could sing to me every morning, I'd be okay with that." And the next day, he asked me if I remembered that, and I said "...yes...wow." And he said "don't forget it."

So then horrible horrible, can't even talk about it annoying horrible things happened with planes and trains and then I got to Rome and realised I didn't love my boy anymore. So...we broke up.

Needless to say, I'm a little confused.

The Skinny Dress

Did everyone hear about the party last night? The location? My vagina. The guests? English Gentleman's penis.

I'm kind of in heaven right now.

He didn't know I was coming even though my status on facebook said "I'm so excited about Southampton." Apparantly, facebook doesn't mean as much to some people as it does to me.

I was silently (not always silently but I did my best) freaking out all day yesterday. I went to the Isle of Wight in classic English weather and froze to death, enjoyed the incredibly lovely views, drank a couple pints of cider, had adventures, the usual. Then Frenchie and I went back to her place and ate garlic bread and watched the new Scrubs. Then we found out where we were meeting everybody and I put on my unstoppable orange dress (the one you love, Skinny!) and we were on our way. We ended up going to Frenchies's lovah's slash English Gentleman's house (incidentally, everyone who lives at Milton Manor is an English Gentleman but I'm only concerned with mine at the moment) where Frenchie's lovah was getting ready. Almost immediately, EG walked by--in his boxers, just to hurt me--and was just giving a casual hello to Frenchie and saying he didn't want to go out when he spotted me and did a double take. As conversation was going on, I looked at him with my "if you kiss me it will change your life" look which works every time. Combined with my unstoppable dress, I don't know why I was so nervous! So we went to have drinks, blah blah blah, we discussed funny things like tumbleweeds, blah blah blah, I got a little tipsy, blah blah, and then we ran back to Milton Manor in the pissing rain. Oh my god, I can't believe I almost forgot! Frenchie and her lovah, the drunker ones of the party, ran way ahead, and EG just suddenly stopped and pulled me to him and kissed me really really well. In the rain. Fantasy scenario, check! Then we kept going hand in hand. Wow. So by this point I was completely on fire, even though I was drowning in the rain.!
We got back to the house, watched a bit of a show called Peep Show (watch it. watch it now, it's brilliant.) and EG just...went up to his room! Now Frenchie wasn't feeling very well, so I could tell she just wanted to stay with her lovah, but...ahgh! What was I supposed to do? Just go ask EG if I could spend the night? I pretty much did. When I went up to his room, he was playing his guitar (HOT) and he immediately handed it to me and said "what are you going to play for me?" And I said, I only have the one good song, and he said "okay." So I played Cake for him and he played a few things, then I said "Sooo...Frenchie's cold and ill..." and he said "Do you want to stay? No problem." And then we proceeded to have the BEST SEX EVER.

By the by, if my boy is reading this, will you please calm down? First of all, you're not supposed to be reading it because you said you wouldn't. Second, when I say best, I mean best with him in this situation in England. Chill the fuck out. Fucking propose or something if you don't want me having good sex. With other people, that is.

After AWESOME sex, we kissed and talked and cuddled and wonderfullness ensued. He called me a "kiss hungry chick" haha. Guys, he's so gorgeous...I was just so happy to be with him! I kept giggling. And he loved that, because I'm so adorable and hot at the same time. It's a skill I have. I'm a child and a woman at once. He said something about how sleeping with someone is different than waking up with someone. I agreed. He had to work today, so this morning we had sweet sex again and made him late for work. I said "may I be so bold as to ask if I can stay here again tonight?" He said "you may be so bold. You'll recieve a reply via email with a fancy letterhead." And I said "like 'we regret to inform you'?" And he said "yes, or 'congratulations!'" To witch I replied with laughter to witch he replied with kissing and so it goes...

Now I'm sitting alone in his room, using his computer without permission, wating for Frenchie and her lovah to wake up and take me to Oxford. Also waiting for my vagina transplant so that I can be ready for tonight should I get the "congratulations" email. The problem is, I've already worn my orange dress...

The Sky Has Been Claire-ified

I am too excited! I seriously feel so excited that I feel sick! I'm going to England tonight. TONIGHT! I woke up this morning feeling like it was the first day of school. You know that feeling? I hate it! Every year, I'd be sick and tossy turny. I hate the unknown! But it's weird because I know what awaits me in England. I've been to Frenchie's dorm before, I know her friends, her daily life, everything. I guess I don't know if I'm gonna sleep with English Gentleman or not. Oh man, I REALLY want to. It's so horrible because it's England and then immediately after it's Italy and my boy! That's bad. I feel bad that my boy is second but I didn't plan it that way! Argh!!! But...I'm too excited to care!

So...can someone tell me now if I'm going to sleep with English Gentleman or not? I'd really like to know just to take the freaking suspence out of the situation! I had sooooooooooo much fun with him, I just want a little repeat!

I really wish I had cool clothes that I love and that look really good on me. It just makes me feel good when I know I look good. What an obvious, unoriginal statement. Whatever. It's on my mind.

I had an annoying dream last night. I was in some sort of haunted college dorm house. There was no evidence that it was haunted, it was just common knowledge that it was. And I was flirting with my fellow Mermaid's friend. Then, for some reason, my fellow Mermaid thought I needed to be taught some sexual skills because I was nervous. Now that can be analysed easily enough: I'm nervous to sleep with English Gentleman/the Boy again after so long and I wish I had friends to talk about it with. But did my dream have to make it so...graphic? Did my friend actually have to show me what to do by pretending to be a guy? No. Now I feel weird about her. Not very, just enough that I don't want to talk to her right now, even though I really want to talk to her right now! Argh.

I miss reading your blogs! Even though I just read Miss Pants' and Arts Monkey's, I want more. I want to know what happens with Miss Pants and Arts Monkey and I want to know what's been happening with the rest of you! Like Arts Monkey, I wish all my friends lived on the same block. Then we can be Bloggers from the Block.

My Eating Disorder

I tried to be anorexic. I really did. In fact, I've tried a bunch of times. Usually I manage to last throughout the night, but that's like, really hard to do.

I just need food. Obviously I need food, but what I mean is I always need food. Always. If I'm not eating, I'm cooking or planning what I'm going to eat next or thinking about eating. I can't think about anything else. Even thinking about theatre doesn't stop me from thinking about food. When I'm actually in rehearsal, I manage to not be hungry until it's over.

How do I get it out of my head? How do I stop obsessing?

Les Quatre Accords Toltèques

Be impeccable with your word--Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Okay, I'll admit--I lie. I make promises I can't keep. But I'll try not to do that anymore. I don't gossip though. But I'm really bad with truth. I even lie to myself.

Don't take anything personally--Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

This I'm pretty good at. It's really hard because I'm self centred and selfish. But I try putting myself in other peoples' shoes and realise that whatever is going on, it's not personal.

Don't make assumptions--Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Well, I don't assume, I predict and I'm usually right. But I'm great at communicating because I hate misunderstandings. And I only create drama with people I don't care about.

Always do your best--Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I am the most guilty of not following this one. I do not always do my best. And so I judge myself, I abuse myself and I regret a lot. It's hard to do your best when you're lazy though...