An Adult Now

I don't believe it myself.

I'm using jargon.

I'm using the word jargon.

I'm speaking to doctors and requesting information.

I'm contacting the purolator people to quabble about cheques.

I'm printing cheques.

I'm a witness.

I'm wearing a pencil skirt and tights and I have make up on.

I'm faxing.

I'm wanting to kill the printer.

I know what a civil litigator is.

I'm using letterheads.

I have office voice mail and a work email address.

I'm typing cover letters.

I have a coffee mug.

I gossip with the receptionist.

I say things like "I'm gonna skip lunch and head out early."

I call important people and say "Hello, this is Alathariel calling from Mr Lawyer Boss's office, I'm wondering if it's possible to reschedule your meeting with Mr Lawyer Boss from November second to anytime after the 7th? On the 12th? Preferably in the morning? That's fine, thank you!"

I'm in an office, at a desk, on a giant mac!

I'm blogging while at work.

yup. I'm an adult now.

Englishtastic

Seriously. I mean, people make jokes that I only love EG because of his accent (and height and gorgeousity) and I brush them off because it's not true. I love him for his ideas, his voice, his eyes, his passion, his creativity, his appreciation of me, his appreciation of all things amazing, he love of sex, his love of football, his penis in my vagina, his need to travel and learn, his need to be a Buddhist monk but with me there so we can "break the rules together." Everything about him, I love. Everything. Well, not where he is when where he is is not where I am, but aside from geography, everything.

Though...he is English. And holy motherfucker is that sexy. Everything he says to me is heightened because of the accent. Like sweet things are a gazillion times sweeter when he says them and cool things are a gazillion times cooler and sexy things... oh man, just bend me over and fuck me mercilessly when EG starts to talk dirty. I can't take it.

I was just in a girly discussion about dirty discussion. A friend tells me that she loves the dirty talk. And I mean filthy. And not just the talk but stuff too. Filthy stuff. Aaaaand, it turns out the conversation itself was turning me on, so I thought I'd better talk about it with my man. So I did. I said a friend gave me courage to ask him to do stuff that I'd like to try. And the second he said "like what?" I got nervous. Well, I was at a bus stop so I really couldn't say stuff. But I hinted until he got really impatient and then I hinted a little more strongly until he guessed some of the things. And then there was silence. And then he said "I could do that." And just as I was getting worried he was turned off by my wanting that, he said "I love that you want that. That is so sexy." And then, and this is my favourite part, he said "you're in big trouble."

And I think I died. He kept trying to tell me he was serious and that I should live my last few months without him as if they were the last in my life because I was going to "get it" when he gets here. hee hee!!! I'm so excited.

part 2

I just saw Across the Universe and am now in love with Jude. Fucking sexy. Singing with a Liverpool accent is sex on a stick.

There's something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover.

Big Blonde and Beautiful

I want to be black. Now. Someone make it happen.

I love being called "a truly amazing woman." By a man. By an English man. By an English man who I love and think is also a truly amazing woman. But not woman. Man. English man. You get it.

Slice off a piece of that hog head cheese
Then take a look inside my book of recipes
Now, don't you sniff around for something fluffy and light
I need a man who brings a man-size appetite!

Singing and dancing and loving fat women and black women alike makes me feel wonderful.

Isn't it funny that wrists gross me out but touching my own eyeball doesn't make me flinch in the least?

Why doesn't everyone have a massage chair.

I am thankful for being home. And I am thankful for having met EG. And I am thankful for theatre. And I am thankful for my friends. And I am thankful for Spaghetti Bolognaise. And I am thankful for Hairspray. And I am thankful for teenage hearthrob Zac Efron.

Suddenly, after turkey tonight, I'm in the mood for green chicken curry coconut soup.

I hope my new room will be sufficiantly purple. Like the apartment I imagine Neenia and I living in.

If I didn't have to play a poor drug addict, I would be so incredibly proud of my body right now.

I offer big love with no apology
How can I deny the world the most of me?

Pukey

Skinny Rabbit wants me to move to England. Is that because he doesn't want me near him? Or because he believes in Love?

I believe in a thing called love. Though, not so much in that song, it got old fast. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.

Are you throwing up yet?

The other day I said something lovely (as usual) on the phone to EG and he said "Oh, Alathariel, why do you love me so?" (Really, this is how he talks.) And I said "I don't know," but then I listed all the reasons that I frequently give all of you. He loves that I love him. He has a big ego that needs to be massaged a lot. I like being the one to massage it. I like making him happy.

You know what makes me happy? When he says my name. I used to think it sounded funny because my real name has an "r" sound at the end and those Englishmen like to not pronounce those kinds of things. But now, I love love love it when he says my name. I was in a cab once talking to him and he said it and I said "I love that, say it again." And when he did, I giggled, of course. So he said it again. And I giggled again. And then he wouldn't stop saying it and man did I ever get excited. It's embarrassing to get that horny in a cab. As if the driver could see me blushing or hear my heart pounding in the crouded nighttime traffic jam.

***

I need to lose weight.

I need to eat.

The solution?

Working out?

Throwing up?

Both?

I try not to eat after 6pm and then my new ninja roommate serves me saussages and cheese at midnight. I now love him.

I try to walk everywhere only to learn that that burns nothing and I cannot lose weight, I just get blisters. At least I'm not polluting.

I try to eat often but small portions. But you can't make small portions of spaghetti. Ooh...I have leftover spaghetti at home...

I try to eat three solid meals a day. Big breakfast, medium lunch, small or no dinner. Who the fuck can wake up at 6am and cook a huge breakfast and stomach it? Not moi!

I try to eat well and get outside and be active. I've been doing that for...a week now. And I want results! Where are my results!

I need instant gratification, por favor! I need to fit into hot things now! I need to start purging everything I binge! It can't be that bad for you! I need to spend all my money on some form of drug that makes me feel full, taste things like cheese and chocolate and steak, lose weight and be fit.

OR

I need a personal...person. If I had a personal person to tell me what to do all the time and help me do it (i.e. eat 5 small meals and then make me the meals) then I'd do it! And I'd have someone to talk to all the time. I get strangely lonely when I'm alone. Even for a short amount of time. I think being alone under willow trees for a year took a lot out of me. Anyway, someone send me a personal person to make me do stuff. Then my body will drive you wild with desire.

As if it doesn't now...