How do you feel, Alathariel?

ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
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i love him.

Mini Me

I had a dream that I had a baby girl. My cousins and I were taking pictures of her, "ooh she's so cute!" ing her, saying how much she looked like me. Well, she was me. It was weird. I know what I looked like when I was a baby, so naturally that's what a dream baby of mine would look like. She was adorable. In my dream she was nearly two. (When people become parents, they count the baby's months until the kid is 4 years old. It's annoying.)

Dreams have huge impacts on our lives. I want a baby. I did before, but seeing this wonderful little mini me made me want one more.

But ...psychologists might say that I want my childhood back. And I do. I want to be new again (to quote Adaptation).

But... also, I just want a baby. I want my little girl. I think Isabella. Or Isabelle. Izzie, either way. And I want my little boy who is nameless at the moment but he will be a mini EG. Who wouldn't want a mini EG? My little gentlman and little lady. Life will certainly be so good. It's so good now, but babies would give me something more. Being a nanny all the time shows me how wonderful it is to have kids. Once, the mom in Switzerland, who seemed pretty stressed about the day to day mundane-ness that is work, was playing with her baby and she suddenly said: "Oh, have kids, Alathariel, it's the best thing that will ever happen to you."

I want the best thing that will ever happen to me!

If You Try Sometimes

You just might find you get what you need?

The operative words here being "sometimes" and "might."

I know someone who is a lucky, lucky girl.

I love her very much. She's my best friend, I've always wanted to be like her. She's a wonderful human being, full of light and energy and together we are going to take the world by storm!

She doesn't need anything. Well, that's not true, she needed a boy. A Nice Boy. And she's found one.

Once she found him, she didn't need anything. She owns a place, she has no debt, she has a job she's good at and parents to fall back on if anything goes wrong. She has great friends who love her, she has the coolest clothes in the world and she is full of good times. In need of nothing.

But she's getting EVERYTHING. Everything she's ever wanted. No, actually, she's getting everything I ever wanted. How is that fair? She doesn't want a house and a marriage and babies! But she's getting them! She didn't need financial stability! But she's getting it.

I don't begrudge her these things, I'm happy for her! I want her to be happy. But why can't I have them, too?

Karma must be real. Hers is amazing and mine is shot. I guess I'll work on it and see what happens. I'll try sometimes and get what I need.

Limbo

I am in a sickening rut. When I'm with a friend, or anyone really, I feel good. I'm on, I'm happy, I'm me. When I'm talking to EG, I feel good, I'm on, I'm happy, I'm me. When I'm alone...I'm lost. I'm stuck. I can't sit down, that's too lazy. I can't stand up, I don't know what to do. I feel completely overwhelmed with responsibility and loneliness.

I can't get myself out. I need people. I need people to kick my ass, but everyone I love is so fucking understanding!

Sleepless

Can someone stop me from thinking EG is sleeping with someone else just because I don't hear from him at night?

Except what I really need is someone to stop me from caring that he is.

The Rain in Spain Stays Mainly in the Plain

This is going to be a good blog. Not because of the writing. Because of the content.

I told EG about the Die Vampire, Die! song because he wasn't sure if he was an artist, and that's a vampire. And I said we'd kill all the vampires in our way. And he loved the idea, and he said he loved killing vampires. He wants to go to Spain for the summer to learn Spanish and he asked what I thought about that. I said it would be killing lots of vampires to do so and that I liked the idea! ...but that I like all of his ideas more when they involve me. So the next message said:  "Princesse Alathariel, there's no one like you. Would you like to live in Spain with me for the Summer?"

So...guess what I'm doing this summer?

The I'm -copying-everyone-else New Year's Post!

New Years and stuff...hmm.

Well, last year, I wanted the stuff from the Wizard of Oz:  Brains, Heart, Courage and Home.

I think I'm a little smarter.

I definitely use my heart the way I'd like to.

I don't know about courage...hmm...Have I been brave lately? I think so. I could always be braver.

I don't feel at home yet. In Toronto, in my apartment, in my own skin.

I miss my lovah. More than anything. All I can do is achieve my new new years resolutions (we made them together right before midnight on Dec 31st, at the lodge where we went skiing!):

1. Get out of debt. This is the most important thing in my life right now. How depressing is that? How boring! Oh well, it's necessary.

2. Get an agent.  yup, I'm on my way.

3. Get three paying gigs. Must get agent first.

4. Put on 3 Bottom's Dream (my theatre company) shows. One's booked for March, 2 are being written.

5. Get in shape. Again, boring. But it doesn't have to be. I just want to be skinny and healthy and glowing all the time. And I want to be able to take the stairs without losing my breath. 

Now I want all these things for myself...but is it bad that my main motivation is EG? I want him to love me and want to see me all the time. I feel like accomplishing these things quickly and spectacularly will result in us being together forever.

How I miss him. 

But I'm trying to stay positive. I keep telling myself I'm amazing and I will accomplish everything I need to and then I'll be so happy and happy people get what they want. Or is it people who get what they want become happy? Oh well, I think it's cyclical and I'm doing it.  I'm fucking spectacular and therefore I will get what I want.

I should probably get back to work now.