All Shook Up/Question Mark?

My hands are shaking and my knees are weak. That Elvis really knew what he was talking about.

Seriously, I'm having trouble typing.

It just hit me. Hard.

My Swiss hosts just sent me the contract. What am I doing? I'm going to Switzerland for a whole year?
This is happening?

What is this I'm feeling? Fear? Excitement? Curiosity? Nerves? Nausia? Joy? Adventure? Fear?

All of the above. A hell of a lot of fear though. good fear. is there good fear?

I'm signing contracts! I'm signing contracts? Why?

Am I really going to be in the hills I've been dreaming about since I watched the Sound of Music every morning when I was 2? Will they really be alive with the sound of music? Do you remember those mountains? They are amazing! they're like a painting, but they're real and I'm going to prove it!

Not only am I gonna have a new room, a new house, a new family, a new job (NO MORE SERVING!!!)...I'm gonna have a new country!...A NEW CONTINENT! I'm in so much shock.

Why hasn't it hit me before now?

How am I gonna make friends? I'm really shy!

Am I going to watch TV while I'm there? I still have to see what happens to Lorelai and Rory but how can I watch TV when I'm in Switzerland? Do they even have electricity?

Am I going to read? I'll be reading in French!

French?! Will I be able to communicate in French? I have a hard enough time communicating in English!

What if I screw up the lives of the kids?

What if I audition for a play but can't be in it because of my au pair work?

Will I have enough money to buy pretty things and pay off my loan? I'll never have enough money to buy pretty things and pay off my loan.

Will I be a good driver? Will I get the kids in a car crash?

Am I going to turn into a grown up? Don't I want to be with my loved ones while I grow up?

Why am I going somewhere where I will be all alone?

What if I get in a fight with my hosts?

Wow, it feels really good asking all of these questions. I'm a little calmer now, though still short of breath.

What am I gonna do without my mom? My family? My friends? My cat? My lovah? My home?

I'll be back. I'll be back a thousand times hotter than I am now.

But the actual reality of this adventure has me all shook up.

ow.

Grumble grumble. Mmmmgroan. My head. *cough cough* ew. groan. my tummy... rrrrgh.

what the hell happened last night?

vague images of a veil...why am I dressed all in white? groan.

grumble. groan.

oh yeah. fake bachelorette party. groan.

did one of my friends hook up at least? yes...that's him in the shower. uh oh, what if he's still in there when I need the toilet? ugh. moan. toilet.

jaggermeister can kiss my ass.

groan. mmmmoan.

shut up cat.

ow. sitting up hurts.

need kd. groan.

never--and I mean it this time--ever doing that again.

Lost one too many of those brain cell things.

Ode to Skinny Rabbit

Showtime is brilliant. I love reading it. It thrills me.

His kicks are beyond incredible.

The best Hermionick we could have found. Watch him in Clairry Potter and the Goblet on Fire. Forget everyone else. He's the one who will make you laugh and cry and hurl.

My cousin.

He thinks he just can't do it alone--but he can.

He can shimmy with the best of them.

He's a pure divo.

He would make out with himself in the mirror like Sarah Silverman.

He eats pizza better than anyone I know.

He has the most amazing stuff. (including Golden Girls and the Muppet Show on DVD!)

The father of my cat.

I'm assuming he has a giant penis.

I taught him how to stage kiss--but he didn't need teaching.

He spends money like there's no tomorrow, but when the time came to step up and pay off his loan, he came through.

He thinks he can do it alone, but he gets by with a little help from his friends.

What a beautiful, talented, bright eyed, interesting, intelligent, pretty, sexual, skinny, silly, hilarious, crazy kid!

Do You Believe In Magic?

I love books. I mostly love books about books. I just started writing a book about books. and book lovers. I don't know what the plot is gonna be but it starts in a bookstore. any ideas? magical ideas? I can't write about a magical ring or sword or locket or wardrobe or flower. it's really tough to be original. how can I get them to another world in a way that's never been done before? and then I need a message. so far, it seems to be heading toward believing in magic and being a good friend. and reading.

books make me cry. they make me worry. they make me obsess. they make me shiver. they change my dreams at night and the way I view the world.

I don't like being in the audience of a theatre because I would rather be a part of the play. but being a part of the behind the scenes of a book involves writing it. I love being in the audience of a book, but it's bitter sweet because I want to be a part of the story. stories that can't happen. Do you know how many times I've tried to move things in my mind like Matilda? or looked in wardrobes? or tried to get sucked into the blank pages of a book? though I know it can't happen, it's so dissapointing when it doesn't.

I'm sure there are some things you wish were true, even if they're not as childish.

Oh well, maybe in writing a magical story about how "life isn't magical until one day..." I'll feel like it's a little more magical.

A Whole New World

Oh no! My roommate is Ariel, and I used to be Belle! (not for real like Miss Pants, just that I read and walk and...am her.) But now, with black hair, I am forced to remember my Arabic roots and be Jasmine. It's not so bad, but now I have to lose weight if I'm gonna wear her costume.

Snow White

2 things. 1) My lovah smells right now. His breath, his pits. He stinks. He's allowed to, it's morning before his shower.

2) My hair is now black. I'm very pleased with it as my transformation back into the warrior princesse I am begins. Now I just have to wait until it grows and then relearn how to fight. And float. And travel between worlds.

Stuff anyone?

I like people because of their stuff.

It sounds shallow, I know this, but "stuff" can mean so many things. For example, my fellow mermaid has a hell of a lot of stuff; she has corsets, frilly dresses, jewelry, fairies hanging from her ceiling, perfumes, a piano, nail polish, video game figurines, video games, pretty pictures, paint, games, a good printer, nice shoes, the best hair anyone will ever have, sparkly things to go in her hair, cool journals, cool pens to go with the journals, a kilt, a digeridoo, more lingerie than you can imagine, etc. I like her stuff and I like her because of her stuff. They are a window into who she is. Is that shallow? I can't tell sometimes, because I'm blinded by her stuff.

My former roommate (Neenia) does not have a lot of stuff. The stuff she has, I am obsessed with. Every simple, clean shirt she has is a wonder to me and the few pictures on her walls (her old walls) constantly amazed me. Her favourite movies (I still have Center Stage and Footloose--woops!) are often off the shelf as she or I or we are watching them all the time. Plus she has marshmallows or chocolate almonds or pita and hummus. I like her for those things. They are a part of who she is.

My oldest friend (as in I've known her the longest) is obsessed with making her own bath stuff. She has essential oils up the wazoo and a pestal and mortar with which she mixes stuff.

My brother has a super organised binder with every CD and every movie he owns. He brings it everywhere he goes.

My lovah has nice blazers that he looks good in. He has huge text books. He has Absynthe on a shelf next to a painting he is working on. He has a flask. He has an old type writer. He wants a bassoon very badly.

Gilbert's Girl has arts and crafts enough for a day care. She has a library. She has a pot of boiling water and a towl that she uses to steam her voice before she has to sing. She has a stuffed Simba. She has adorable PJ's.

My friend from the renaissance faire has a crazy buffy collection. She has fuzzy hand cuffs and a cat o' nine tails. Everything she has is green and black.

My old funny friend has a JTT lampshade. She has a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pillow case. She has Archie "Gag Bag" comics all over her wall.

If I haven't mentioned you, be sure I am in love with your stuff. Be sure I love you for your stuff. I hope that's not a bad thing.

That gets me thinking about my stuff, I have a pretty good collection, I think. I have a drum, I have 4 Superman lunchboxes and 23 Superman shirts, I have all the children's books you'll need. I have Aladdin, A Goofy Movie, The Little Mermaid and Newsies. I have a cat (he counts as stuff). I have a quill and ink. I have a book called Fairyopolis. I have the kind of candle holder you take down the hall at night in a creepy mansion and a white nightgown that goes with it. I have a magic wand. I have a lot of ribbons. I have red ballet shoes. I have scrapbooks. I have a turtle stool called Antonio Banderes. I have beautiful copies of Treasure Island and Peter Pan. I have a picture of me in an other world. I have a guitar named Cherry. I have a reversable corset. I have pirate boots. I have a small statue of a woman with hair down to her feet.

Hmm. I was going to say I wasn't happy with my stuff, that my stuff was cluttered and meaningless. But I have amazing stuff. I love me for my stuff. I am going to do my best to store it well, display it well. My stuff is a window into who I am.

Books, Dreams, Trains and Noses

Ah. I've just spent a glorious few days at my lovah's cottage. We went swimming and rowing and biking and driving and walking. I ate the most wonderful meals (his mother is a goddess in the kitchen) and saw a giant bull frog. I didn't have a book. I forgot the book I was reading (Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen) at my cousin's house. That is such a horrible thing, to lose a book. I felt like I was stripped from my world and the people I had grown used to.

I got a cd back that I had leant out and it makes me feel so comfortable.

I had a very, very scary dream involving the destruction of my workplace by a bad guy and I didn't know who was involved with him. it ended with my dad shooting strange missiles into the ground while chanting about armageddon. I don't know what that means, but it was horrible. Then, later in the morning, I dreamed that I couldn't find my place, I didn't know where I belonged in a strange school I somehow ended up in. I found my best friend who usually feels more out of place than I do and she was with a group of jazz musicians. They all looked so happy and I was so surprised to find that she found her place before I did, without even telling me or helping me. I was to take the jazz class and my best friend's group said there were no places left except one by a microphone and I had to take that one. We played "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing" and I rocked it. The director made all the other singers stop to listen to me. Because I was taking risks. That made me feel good.

My lovah wanted to go for a bike ride with his little brother but my ass was still hurting from my own horrible bike ride the day before so I stayed back. As I said, I didn't have a book, so I found some paper and a pen and I wrote for two hours. I continued a story I had going that I thought I couldn't write anymore. But once I started, it wrote itself. I just need the middle now and a hell of a lot of dialogue. I know the atmosphere of the dialogue but not what they're actually saying...oh well. It'll write itself, I hope.

Trains suck. They are too expensive and if your phone runs out of power so you can't even play blockbreaker they are boring. I did like the snack trolley. I wish it was the Hogwarts Express I was riding, instead of Via Rail. I would love to be a professor at Hogwarts. I bet I would be a great charms teacher. Does that mean I'd have to be in Ravenclaw? I always tell people that I'm in Gryffendor, but I often question my own bravery. My lovah thinks I'm brave.

My nose is stuffed up. I would be talking funny if I were talking. By dose is stuffy. that's what I'd say.

I don't want to work toborrow. I hade serving. I get to babysit dext week and for the dext 6 weeks after. thed I get to teach a 6 year old girl and a 2 year old boy how to speak English. ID SWITZERLAND!

I'b going to try to clear my dose daturally but I will probably reduce to bedical bethods like otrivib. I'b addicted to that stuff.

Good dight.