Jon Stewart and Memories

I had a sex dream about Jon Stewart. I had just gotten out of the shower and had a white towl on and he was lying in my bed topless. Although we were sharing a room and, apparantly, a bed, it was like, taboo that I went to lie down on top of him. It was a "we know it's wrong but it feels so right" moment. Those are the best. I live for those moments. So I lay on top of him, knees on either side of his hips, all the parts matching up, and curled my head into the nook. Not Carrie's Aiden's nook, but my lovah's nook. I either drifted into another dream or woke up. Either way, now I'm obsessed with Jon Stewart. Remember him with Gillian Anderson in Playing By Heart? That was a hot scene.

The wrong-but-feels-right-ness got me thinking of my born again boyfriend at the end of high school and something I wrote about him and read to him when he finally confessed he had feelings for me.

If our hands should wander
Your smile dissapears
My eyes fill with wonder
While yours fill with tears

I can't tell if it's cheesy, because it's so exactly true. All I wanted was to express what I was feeling for him physically (which is a nice way of saying that I was a horny, sex deprived, nerdy, smitten teenager), and all he wanted was to avoid that. The guilt and the fact that I was "corrupting" him made it that much more "wrong-but-right." I kinda feel bad now for pushing him. Not that we did much. He's married now.

Fictional Dreams

I just watched Save the Last Dance 2 (I'm not that much of a loser, Ijust wanted to see our friend from school...) and I'm angry. Not because of the offencively crappy acting, because of the plot. I didn't expect it to be good at all, I just thought it would be properly cheesy. But it was about art and performing, so I took it seriously. In case you haven't seen it, and I hope you haven't, the ballet chick goes to Juliard, as planned, and meets this guy who teaches history of hip hop. Okay,obviously, they're gonna hook up. We find out that the guy used to go to Juliard as a classical pianist. He loved it but ended up dropping out because his dream changed. He wanted to be a creative amazing dj. cool, fine, we get it. He finds out Sarah can dance and asks her to help him choreograph a peice. Reluctantly, she does and it's super cool. But then she gets the lead in the ballet. So he's all "but you can be so much more" and she's all "but I've always wanted to be a ballerina!" anyway, she ends up quitting fucking Juliard! She said she danced perfectly, got a standing ovation, closed her eyes and felt at peace. Then she felt numb. That's fucking bullshit. What all her love for ballet suddenly disappeared because her boyfriend wasn't there? It's balls! Ballet made her HIGH before, that would not go away because she also liked different styles of dancing. I thought that was the wrong choice for an ending. It should have been that the guy's dream changed and that's great, so he should support her dream too.

What a crappy movie. What a waste of time.

so so angry

I just wrote a really really long post that got erased due to crappy computerness.

here's what i remember:

I like sitting under willow trees looking out at Lac Léman.

I enjoy watching the ducks, seagulls and crazy swans in Lac Léman.

It would be nice to walk around Lac Léman.

On the other side of Lac Léman is Evian.

Evian spelled backwards is naive.

Sometimes I'm naive.

Sometimes I'm wise.

A "wizard" is just someone who is really really wise.

Merlin was wise.

I'd like to learn more about Merlin.

I've heard that Merlin lives his life from the end to the finish.

How do you do that?

I'd like to have magic.

I'd like to be able to fly.

"If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best."


That's all I remember. oh yeah, and I said how I'm gonna change the phrase "building character" to "building coolness" because that's what they mean. I'm brimming with coolness. Coolness is reading and writing under a willow tree.

BitterSweet

Argh frustration! I should be allowed to have my lovah with me at all times! I'm so frustrated in so many ways! Okay, mostly sexually, but in so many sexual ways I'm frustrated.

I wrote a song about English Gentleman and told him that I wrote a song inspired by him and he wants to hear it. and I said he couldn't. and he said why not? and I said because I didn't think it was his kind of music. (I know his kind of music because he told me to listen to all these different cds but I couldn't really listen because I just got butterflies every time I did. and that's what the song is about.) then he didn't write back for three days but he did update his profile (and changed his picture to a really hot one of him topless) so he got my last message and didn't reply! that's just bad manners! especially to a girl in my situation, i.e. horny.

I can't stop thinking about your fingers on your guitar.
so long and lean I wanna be where those strings are.

okay, maybe I shouldn't play him the song because it's dirty...or maybe that's why I should play him the song... especially the chorus.

I listen to your music and it makes me wet
I try to focus on the songs but I forget
your cd looks so innocent upon the shelf
I listen to your music and I touch myself

yup, definitely never ever playing it for him.

That night is like a song I can't get out of my head.
Now all I think about is being back in your bed.
To compensate I have to date your music instead.

I hate this. I miss my lovah so so so so so much. even though I didn't write a song about him. oh wait, yes I did! haha! and it's good too. it's not dirty though, which would upset him, but whatever, it's cute and I like it. and I will play it for him. because we can tell each other everything, easy. or as the little girl says "fasscootch" which I think means "peice of cake." mmm cake. oh man, now all I want is cake...and there's some here, but it's not mine. oh man, I need something sweet.

At least I have theatre back in my life. Well, not at least, at best. I'm really excited about this cabaret and I can't wait to do it! I gotta go learn some songs! we're doing Don't Tell Mamma and Seasons of Love and Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy and Lady Marmalade where I get to be in the last group, the Christina group if you will, and be like the dirtiest. I hope the costumes are good!

type away

oh no. had so much to say, yesterday, the day before. saw erykah badu on sat, beautiful, absolutely fucking perfect. danced my heart out. got a crush on a girl in the opening band. she kinda looked like Neenia's best friend.

had rehearsal, danced my heart out, hung out with vancouverian who is awesome and funny and cool. we laughed a lot at the different kinds of ducks swimming in lac léman (lake geneva for the swiss ignorant), thinking about taking a week to walk around the lake, what's better than that. have the urge to be more of a hippie, more skirts, more sandals, more long hair, more camping, more drugs, more freedom, more let the sun shine. wrote some songs. beautiful day, love love love looking at pics on facebook. hate people asking me if i'm famous yet, no, have you heard of me asshole? you'll fucking know when i'm famous. so excited for rent. wanna explore, but wanna go home, wanna write, wanna sing, wanna eat, wanna get skinny like before, wanna be in england, wanna make out with either my lovah, english gentleman, or singer from opening band.

missing you all, wishing we could have weekly meetings instead of random unfixed blog reads.

ps please please please read a long way down by nick hornby. it's fucking incredible.

I Don't Know What I Wrote

woo hoo!!! I'm gonna perform again! I'm in a show called the Cabernet Cabaret! I had my first rehearsal last night and it's awesome because it's pretty professional (the atmosphere, it's non paying...) but I'm clearly the best. Well, so far, I've only seen half the chorus, so I'm the best out of them. We're singing boogie woogie bugle boy and there's a solo part in the middle that we can audition for on Saturday, and it's mine. it's perfectly in my awesome belt range. it's mine.

So the question is, should I stay for RENT even if it doesn't pay? I really wanna be on the West end after this, but I also really wanna go home. I wanna get to work on Bottom's Dream and the next Mermaids album (this guy said he wanted to produce it, he has access to a drummer, a bassist, a studio and everything!) and...just be home again! So if I stay for RENT (in which I will for sure get Maureen or Mimi) I'll just be here til February, I'll be rehearsing all fall so I won't be bored (not that I should be bored anyway, I'm in fucking Europe), my Lovah will be in Paris probably, where I'll have the chance to see him, and...I'll be in RENT. ...what should I do? go home, try to work in London, stay for the show...aaahhh!!! I can't decide.

I'm sure my options didn't make any sense at all. I'm a little too cafinated. Like I'm typing super fast and I don't really know what I'm saying, it's just the stream of consciousness kind of thing.

I've been reading the Importance of Being Earnest a lot because it's freaking hilarious. There are all these comments and letters about it at the end where people say how it's not serious, it's light and fluffy and stuff, and therefore not good. that's balls. why can't we have some non seriousness to laugh? This guy said he'd rather be moved to laughter, not tickled into it. He can shut up and lick me where I bleed. There's some substance, he comments on high society and stuff. Plus, for us, it's like super intellectual, he's just used to people talking that way because he's from that time. AND we're allowed to have funny-ness on stage. Just chill and enjoy, you jerk. It's not a wasted night if you laughed without crying. Whatever, he pissed me off.

I'm watching Blue's Clues, as usual, and it's fucking awesome. Steve is a genius. Please, watch it if you can!

Quickie

I know who I wanna be! Bernadette Peters! But a long time ago. I want her whole life.

I just found out that Anne Hathaway can sing. I hate people who are already successful. When will it be me!?