I live in what I call "The Music House." Not a very creative title because all of my four roommates are musicians. Freezing in here, we say it's like camping in the winter. It's an extremely fun house with zany themed parties and I'm so glad I live here.
Two of my roommates are together and share the room next to mine. Now, when I moved in, there was already a bed. A really big bed that I can't move. For some reason, the guy who lived here before me decided it was appropriate to put the bed against the shared (paper thin) wall.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
I'm not complaining about the loud sex that keeps me up every night--I don't want to be quiet when I have sex and I don't think anyone else should be forced to be quiet either. But dude. My sex lives in Loughborough, England and I live in Vancouver, BC, Canada.
In other news, I'm totally gonna have sex in 2 days. A LOT of sex. Really really good sex. Kinky, filthy, wicked, unable to sit for days sex.
p.s. The title of this post is not me using poetic license, they're actual breathless words I am hearing right now.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Gimme Gimme
Friends, I need help. Serious help. I am so obsessed with weddings/marriage that this is what I spend my time online doing:
*looking for pretty/dainty/unique/antique/special/magical engagement rings (there are none woven from pixie hair, which is what I really want, but I've found some that kind of look like it).
*looking for perfect wedding dresses. I can't decide what I want because I really want something simple and flowing, but I also would love uber complicated and uncomfortable and corset-y, know what I mean?
*watching "perfect proposals" on youtube.
I have a disease. What is wrong with me? EG a) won't propose soon, b) won't propose within two years and c) might never propose at all. Why am I torturing myself? Why do I think that's my dream come true? It's not, my real dream is to perform all the time and yes, have my man at home when I'm at home, happy and fulfilled with his passions and career, excited to see me every time he sees me. Really, is that so much to ask? No. Do I need a proposal that rivals those on youtube or in the movies? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Is it fair to say that five weddings in one year and my best friend getting preggers have influenced the way my brain works? Yes. Although, I will admit I've always wanted a fun/pretty/perfect/magical/unique/exciting/more magical dress, ring and wedding. But the obsession has reached a point...the highest point, I think.
I hope.
I don't think I can be more obsessed than I am now. Someone gave me ticketmaster gift certificates and I couldn't find anything EG and I would enjoy over Christmas, so I was actually considering using them when I get back to Vancouver on a BRIDAL SHOW. I'm not a bride!!! I might never be a bride!!! What has happened to me???
What is it about weddings? ...Other than the obvious--the promise of being with the person I love who loves me for as long as we both shall live and getting to be the centre of attention in the prettiest dress I'll ever own with the most beautifully magical hair I'll ever have with everyone telling me how beautiful I look, speeches being made about me and my love, toasting our happiness, kissing every time someone dings a glass, singing, dancing, discussing the happy years that are to come.
Other than that dream come true, and the fact that other peoples' wedding related happiness was thrown in my face way too much this whole year, why am I obsessed?
*looking for pretty/dainty/unique/antique/special/magical engagement rings (there are none woven from pixie hair, which is what I really want, but I've found some that kind of look like it).
*looking for perfect wedding dresses. I can't decide what I want because I really want something simple and flowing, but I also would love uber complicated and uncomfortable and corset-y, know what I mean?
*watching "perfect proposals" on youtube.
I have a disease. What is wrong with me? EG a) won't propose soon, b) won't propose within two years and c) might never propose at all. Why am I torturing myself? Why do I think that's my dream come true? It's not, my real dream is to perform all the time and yes, have my man at home when I'm at home, happy and fulfilled with his passions and career, excited to see me every time he sees me. Really, is that so much to ask? No. Do I need a proposal that rivals those on youtube or in the movies? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Is it fair to say that five weddings in one year and my best friend getting preggers have influenced the way my brain works? Yes. Although, I will admit I've always wanted a fun/pretty/perfect/magical/unique/exciting/more magical dress, ring and wedding. But the obsession has reached a point...the highest point, I think.
I hope.
I don't think I can be more obsessed than I am now. Someone gave me ticketmaster gift certificates and I couldn't find anything EG and I would enjoy over Christmas, so I was actually considering using them when I get back to Vancouver on a BRIDAL SHOW. I'm not a bride!!! I might never be a bride!!! What has happened to me???
What is it about weddings? ...Other than the obvious--the promise of being with the person I love who loves me for as long as we both shall live and getting to be the centre of attention in the prettiest dress I'll ever own with the most beautifully magical hair I'll ever have with everyone telling me how beautiful I look, speeches being made about me and my love, toasting our happiness, kissing every time someone dings a glass, singing, dancing, discussing the happy years that are to come.
Other than that dream come true, and the fact that other peoples' wedding related happiness was thrown in my face way too much this whole year, why am I obsessed?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Suicide and Babies
There are a lot of things happening, kind of, but it doesn't feel like it...I don't know. Here's what's going on:
First of all, I'm reading A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby again. These characters are just phenomenal. The things they come up with genuinely make me cry often and laugh constantly. And the fact that I relate to them so well make me think I'm suicidal. Not suicidal in that I've ever truly wanted to die, just that I seem to have a lot in common with the people who do. Minus the killing myself part.
Here's a quote:
"A man who wants to die feels angry and full of life and desperate and bored and exhausted, all at the same time; he wants to fight everyone and he wants to curl up in a ball and hide in a cupboard somewhere. He wants to say sorry to everyone, and he wants everyone to know just how badly they've all let him down."
That's often how I feel! But I am certain I'm not a man who wants to die. I don't. I want to fix things. But I've kind of curled up in a ball and hid in a cupboard somewhere. The problem I'm finding with that is--your brain/heart/conscience/soul/life doesn't just stop working when you do that. You still think, feel, ache, move, breathe and the "fucking shambles" that your life has become gets worse. Still doesn't make me want to die--makes me want to hide harder, actually. But surely only an insane person would keep hiding after finding hiding doesn't work.
The good thing about the book is that they're not really suicidal in the end anymore. There is hope.
Now, completely unrelated, here's what else is in my head: EG loves to travel. He calls himself "A Citizen of the World!" He wants to, not visit, but live in many different places around the globe. I fully support this, as long as he knows I'm coming with him. But there are two problems--and if you're reading this, EG, I hope we've talked about it by now, it's not something I wanted to discuss over the phone, know what I mean?--and they are big problems. 1. I want to start having babies by the time I'm 30. I actually want to start now, but it would be better to start when I'm 30. Now, I understand that he's a year and a half younger than me, so even if we saw totally eye to eye on this, I might still have to wait 'til I'm 31. And I can do that. So that leaves us 4 and a bit years to live in different places around the globe. Surely that's enough time to decide where you want to live, right? Aha, but herein lies the second problem--I already know where I want to live and it has nothing to do with the city itself, the laws, the flora and fauna, the crime statistics--it's where my family is. Not in the suburbs, never that, but in the city next to the suburbs where said family lives. How can I ensure that his adventures around the world will lead him to the city from whence I came???
Truly a dilemma. And we only have 18 days together over Christmas--how can one of those precious hours be spent crying and possibly finding out that he will absolutely not want to live in my city and that he feels fine waiting until he's 40 to have kids because he can just find a 25 year old who's ripe and ready?
I am continually perplexed that there are so many marriages and babies happening around me and none of them are mine.
First of all, I'm reading A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby again. These characters are just phenomenal. The things they come up with genuinely make me cry often and laugh constantly. And the fact that I relate to them so well make me think I'm suicidal. Not suicidal in that I've ever truly wanted to die, just that I seem to have a lot in common with the people who do. Minus the killing myself part.
Here's a quote:
"A man who wants to die feels angry and full of life and desperate and bored and exhausted, all at the same time; he wants to fight everyone and he wants to curl up in a ball and hide in a cupboard somewhere. He wants to say sorry to everyone, and he wants everyone to know just how badly they've all let him down."
That's often how I feel! But I am certain I'm not a man who wants to die. I don't. I want to fix things. But I've kind of curled up in a ball and hid in a cupboard somewhere. The problem I'm finding with that is--your brain/heart/conscience/soul/life doesn't just stop working when you do that. You still think, feel, ache, move, breathe and the "fucking shambles" that your life has become gets worse. Still doesn't make me want to die--makes me want to hide harder, actually. But surely only an insane person would keep hiding after finding hiding doesn't work.
The good thing about the book is that they're not really suicidal in the end anymore. There is hope.
Now, completely unrelated, here's what else is in my head: EG loves to travel. He calls himself "A Citizen of the World!" He wants to, not visit, but live in many different places around the globe. I fully support this, as long as he knows I'm coming with him. But there are two problems--and if you're reading this, EG, I hope we've talked about it by now, it's not something I wanted to discuss over the phone, know what I mean?--and they are big problems. 1. I want to start having babies by the time I'm 30. I actually want to start now, but it would be better to start when I'm 30. Now, I understand that he's a year and a half younger than me, so even if we saw totally eye to eye on this, I might still have to wait 'til I'm 31. And I can do that. So that leaves us 4 and a bit years to live in different places around the globe. Surely that's enough time to decide where you want to live, right? Aha, but herein lies the second problem--I already know where I want to live and it has nothing to do with the city itself, the laws, the flora and fauna, the crime statistics--it's where my family is. Not in the suburbs, never that, but in the city next to the suburbs where said family lives. How can I ensure that his adventures around the world will lead him to the city from whence I came???
Truly a dilemma. And we only have 18 days together over Christmas--how can one of those precious hours be spent crying and possibly finding out that he will absolutely not want to live in my city and that he feels fine waiting until he's 40 to have kids because he can just find a 25 year old who's ripe and ready?
I am continually perplexed that there are so many marriages and babies happening around me and none of them are mine.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
...however...
No, I wasn't lying, I really hate it when they ruin my wonderful books.
But I can't fucking wait to see the new Harry Potter movie. The preview looks so. fucking. good.
But I can't fucking wait to see the new Harry Potter movie. The preview looks so. fucking. good.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Ramblings In Bed
I am so sick of being ashamed! Of apologising!
Here is who I am, freely and unapologetically:
-I get hurt a lot--cuts, blisters, bruises, ingrown hairs, scrapes, burns, scabs--all of them can be found on my body ALL THE TIME.
-I am a girly girl. I like purple, weddings, flowers, frills, fairies, dresses, pink, berries, victorian houses, make-up, ballet, romance, mermaids, kisses, chick flicks, hair, the renaissance, Jane Austen--the list goes on.
-I like the flower power message. I'm not a "dirty hippie" but I believe in truth, love, freedom, happiness, peace, harmony. How can that be bad?
-I'm awful with money.
-I'm nervous, intimidated and jealous with new or existing friends.
*****
I don't want to want things anymore. I don't want to want gadgets, don't want to want to looka certain way, or need the "cool seats" on the bus. I don't want to be traumatised by children from my past who are now adults! I don't want to feel jealousy! I'm sick of jealousy!
I have so much!
I have the mail where I think I need the internet.
I have the outdoors when I think I need the gym.
I have love when I think I need stuff!
Here is who I am, freely and unapologetically:
-I get hurt a lot--cuts, blisters, bruises, ingrown hairs, scrapes, burns, scabs--all of them can be found on my body ALL THE TIME.
-I am a girly girl. I like purple, weddings, flowers, frills, fairies, dresses, pink, berries, victorian houses, make-up, ballet, romance, mermaids, kisses, chick flicks, hair, the renaissance, Jane Austen--the list goes on.
-I like the flower power message. I'm not a "dirty hippie" but I believe in truth, love, freedom, happiness, peace, harmony. How can that be bad?
-I'm awful with money.
-I'm nervous, intimidated and jealous with new or existing friends.
*****
I don't want to want things anymore. I don't want to want gadgets, don't want to want to looka certain way, or need the "cool seats" on the bus. I don't want to be traumatised by children from my past who are now adults! I don't want to feel jealousy! I'm sick of jealousy!
I have so much!
I have the mail where I think I need the internet.
I have the outdoors when I think I need the gym.
I have love when I think I need stuff!
NO, NO, NOOOOO!
So, a couple nights ago, I wrote a lot of things in a journal that I wanted to blog about. Then, the next day, I cleaned my room and forgot to bring it with me to this place where I have the internet. Lamesies. (definitely stole that word from Neenia.)
Instead of giving you the things I wrote before, I will give you this:
I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hate when people fuck with my books. It makes me scream. I can't watch the rape of my friends. Have you seen that episode of South Park? It's pretty recent, when Stan and Kyle and a bunch of the other boys keep bursting into tears at the memory of Speilberg and Lucas raping Indiana Jones. It's so so funny when you watch it, and then it's not funny when it happens to something you truly care about!
I love fantasy books. Mostly childrens' ones as I find adult fantasy is usually very poorly written. But there's this one grown-up series, The Sword of Truth, that I particularly enjoy and I've been dying for it to be a TV show, because then they wouldn't have to cut anything. Well, now they have made a TV show. They named it The Legend of the Seeker which is complete and utter bullshit--TO START WITH. I can't even go INTO the rest without wanting to throw everything and throw up! But I will a little, to show the kind of thing that pisses me off:
-The main character is not tall or big when that's always how he is described. And his eyes aren't hawk-like or grey.
-The main woman doesn't have green eyes or black hair, and her dress doesn't have a square-shaped neckline. Is that SO hard to make????
-The story is completely fucked. Like characters who were supposed to know each other for life are strangers until the first episode, they say that the wizard hid the seeker from birth knowing he was the seeker--not true!--and the father was supposed to be dead in the beginning!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH there's so much more! The magic is all wrong, the lines are all wrong, the bad guys are ALL wrong, they completely changed the story! The characters are on a different journey than the one in the book! There aren't even the fucking boxes of Orden for fuck's sake!!!
Okay. On to another obsession. Inkheart by Cornelia Funke. The Sword of Truth series is for grown ups, not very well written, though captivating, and it ended horribly. So I can try to be okay with that. Nobody who hasn't read the books will watch it anyway. But Inkheart is for children. Kids who have read the books will not be strong enough to keep the memories of the REAL story, settings, characters and descriptions in their little heads, and all of their wonderful imaginations will be tarnished by the piece of shit movie! And little kids who are too fucking lazy to read will watch the piece of shit movie and think that's enough, think it's all right, but it's wrong. IT'S WRONG!
I just saw the trailer for Inkheart and they've DESTROYED everything in the book! It's well casted, I'll admit, and it looks cool, but that's just the problem--they have enough that's the same to pass it off as the movie version of the book, but IT'S NOT! IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE BASED ON THE BOOK!
And this is just after the trailer! The movie is going to kill me! It's hard enough with Harry Potter--do you know how many people don't read the books because they can "just see the movie?" One would be way too many, but it's so much more than one. It's probably more than half. More than half the people in the world. That's disgusting. When I say "Harry Potter" in any given situation, most people would say "seen it" in some way or another--AS IF I'M REFERRING TO THE MOVIES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
I can't stand it! What's wrong with making movie versions of the books without changing anything? Cut shit, I understand that, even add things for all I care--but why can't you keep them the same?????
They can do ANYTHING in the movies nowadays! I don't understand why people think it's okay to read something and say "it would be better if this happened!" Well, I understand that it's okay to say that--but not if you have the fucking rights to the story!!!!!!!!
I feel like no matter how many exclamations I add, or however often I use capslock, noone is going to understand how frustrated and hurt I really am. So I'll just stop now. With this plea:
If you go see a movie that is "based on" a book, read the book first, and if the movie isn't the same, hate it. And encourage others to be the same. Please.
Instead of giving you the things I wrote before, I will give you this:
I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hate when people fuck with my books. It makes me scream. I can't watch the rape of my friends. Have you seen that episode of South Park? It's pretty recent, when Stan and Kyle and a bunch of the other boys keep bursting into tears at the memory of Speilberg and Lucas raping Indiana Jones. It's so so funny when you watch it, and then it's not funny when it happens to something you truly care about!
I love fantasy books. Mostly childrens' ones as I find adult fantasy is usually very poorly written. But there's this one grown-up series, The Sword of Truth, that I particularly enjoy and I've been dying for it to be a TV show, because then they wouldn't have to cut anything. Well, now they have made a TV show. They named it The Legend of the Seeker which is complete and utter bullshit--TO START WITH. I can't even go INTO the rest without wanting to throw everything and throw up! But I will a little, to show the kind of thing that pisses me off:
-The main character is not tall or big when that's always how he is described. And his eyes aren't hawk-like or grey.
-The main woman doesn't have green eyes or black hair, and her dress doesn't have a square-shaped neckline. Is that SO hard to make????
-The story is completely fucked. Like characters who were supposed to know each other for life are strangers until the first episode, they say that the wizard hid the seeker from birth knowing he was the seeker--not true!--and the father was supposed to be dead in the beginning!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH there's so much more! The magic is all wrong, the lines are all wrong, the bad guys are ALL wrong, they completely changed the story! The characters are on a different journey than the one in the book! There aren't even the fucking boxes of Orden for fuck's sake!!!
Okay. On to another obsession. Inkheart by Cornelia Funke. The Sword of Truth series is for grown ups, not very well written, though captivating, and it ended horribly. So I can try to be okay with that. Nobody who hasn't read the books will watch it anyway. But Inkheart is for children. Kids who have read the books will not be strong enough to keep the memories of the REAL story, settings, characters and descriptions in their little heads, and all of their wonderful imaginations will be tarnished by the piece of shit movie! And little kids who are too fucking lazy to read will watch the piece of shit movie and think that's enough, think it's all right, but it's wrong. IT'S WRONG!
I just saw the trailer for Inkheart and they've DESTROYED everything in the book! It's well casted, I'll admit, and it looks cool, but that's just the problem--they have enough that's the same to pass it off as the movie version of the book, but IT'S NOT! IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE BASED ON THE BOOK!
And this is just after the trailer! The movie is going to kill me! It's hard enough with Harry Potter--do you know how many people don't read the books because they can "just see the movie?" One would be way too many, but it's so much more than one. It's probably more than half. More than half the people in the world. That's disgusting. When I say "Harry Potter" in any given situation, most people would say "seen it" in some way or another--AS IF I'M REFERRING TO THE MOVIES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
I can't stand it! What's wrong with making movie versions of the books without changing anything? Cut shit, I understand that, even add things for all I care--but why can't you keep them the same?????
They can do ANYTHING in the movies nowadays! I don't understand why people think it's okay to read something and say "it would be better if this happened!" Well, I understand that it's okay to say that--but not if you have the fucking rights to the story!!!!!!!!
I feel like no matter how many exclamations I add, or however often I use capslock, noone is going to understand how frustrated and hurt I really am. So I'll just stop now. With this plea:
If you go see a movie that is "based on" a book, read the book first, and if the movie isn't the same, hate it. And encourage others to be the same. Please.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I Want It All (Ooh Yeah!)
Wow, I was all preachy, "you must blog!" and now it's been so long since I last blogged.
Sorry!
I keep bouncing back and forth between being completely depressed, mopey, unmotivated and lazy to energetic, productive, positive and "back in the game!"
It's hard to choose which one I really am. I'd settle for a happy medium--a place where I have a job and an apartment that I like and can afford respectively, and where I'm fairly motivated to write my album and audition, be energetic and eat well. I suppose that's completely the latter rather than the former.
But seriously, y'all. What am I doing here? What the hell am I doing here?
I keep bouncing back and forth between asking that question and answering it.
I'm going to choose the positive. I'm here because I'm going to break into the film scene. I have until June.
Here's what I need to do:
1. Find another job that pays well. Right now, I'm looking to be a server because it pays the best. Other than Nannying for which I am overfuckingqualified and for some reason, can't find a family. But serving happens at night which is better for auditioning anyway.
2. Find a place to live that is cheap, near some stuff, with people who aren't judgmental (ps, did you know that judgmental has no "e" as in judgE? I always thought it did. Go figure.) or dickheads.
3. Audition and get student films. Be in them and be amazing in them.
4. Get an agent and audition for stuff.
5. After being in a few student films, make a demo reel (a cheap one, somehow) to improve my chances of landing a gig in film or television.
All this has to be done while making enough money to pay off my debt. Also, I must get skinny really fast.
Now, all this is possible. It is. It is possible. I can have it if I want it. I have to remember that. If I want it to happen, if I make it happen, if I try--it will happen! I can have it all!
I WILL have it all!!!!!!!!!!!!
How are you?
Friday, October 03, 2008
Where Are We?
Seriously friends, where have we been?
So much is happening, I'm sure, so let's blog about it! I like you guys, I miss you guys, let's stay in touch for serious.
I'll start:
I'm not motivated again. All signs point to the fact that I'm a lazy person. Except when I'm with other people. I like being with other people more than being alone. Am I the only one who feels this way? No. But that doesn't change the fact that there's no one here.
So why am I here all by myself, you ask? Nobody asked that Heidi. I'll ask it, why am I here all by myself? Well, it's because there are a lot of opportunities here that are not in Toronto even though I love Toronto. I also don't like everyone breathing down my neck about my debt all the time. I'm here to deal with it on my own and that's what I'm doing. I'm in the midst of getting a super sweet job that will cover rent, debt and then some. So that's good.
I miss my man so so so so so much. But he misses me too, so that makes me happy. Both of us are well aware that "anything can happen" in a good way or a bad way or both, and we're trying to be okay with that. Well, he has threatened to kill anyone who "tries it on" with me (to which I responded "aaawww!") and I said I really don't want to know if he sleeps with any stupid girl who clearly is not remotely close to being as good as me at anything. I'm pretty sure I'm the loveliest person he'll ever meet. So I'm confident. We're trying to work out how to see each other at Christmas and he actually said the words "I loved Christmas with your family," which made me beam for a couple hours. I think his parents will buy him a ticket to Toronto for Christmas/birthday/graduation. That would rock because I have no money to help him. So Christmastime will be another dream come true!
There's not enough theatre here. I really do need to lose weight and audition for films more than ever. It's making me nervous. But you'd think that my lack of cash should work well with my need to eat less. Right? Right. I need to do non-paying student films and build up a demo-reel. Exciting.
Aaaaand, that's the best I gots for now. I need to go read my fantasy book to make me feel good and kind of escape from babysitting. Not that I don't like babysitting, but I like escaping from any work that isn't performing. It'll always be that way.
Oh no, wait, I have one more thing:
I love watching The Office, the US version. I obviously love the UK version more, it's the original, and it's genius. But the US version has more because that's what Americans are like. More of a mediocre quality instead of less genius quality. It's okay though, because the love story is really good and I've really grown attached to the characters. But now I've seen them all and I literally have to wait for episodes to come out like some common peasant.
Okay, now you blog.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Alone Again
alone again
homeless again
I don't like this. I came here with someone, why am I alone? I don't want this.
People partner up and stay together. I don't like doing things conventionally, but that's one convention I'd love to follow. I want a partner and I want to live with him. How is this a lot to ask?
He says we're lucky, blessed to have had 7 whole weeks together, to have found each other at all. He's right. I like that. I want him back.
I don't understand where he is. Where I am. I came back to the place I've been coming back to for the past 5 weeks and there's no big man to greet me. No one to poke me, no one to tickle me, no one to kiss me, no one to cook for, no one to tease, no one to beat at poker, no one
homeless again
I don't like this. I came here with someone, why am I alone? I don't want this.
People partner up and stay together. I don't like doing things conventionally, but that's one convention I'd love to follow. I want a partner and I want to live with him. How is this a lot to ask?
He says we're lucky, blessed to have had 7 whole weeks together, to have found each other at all. He's right. I like that. I want him back.
I don't understand where he is. Where I am. I came back to the place I've been coming back to for the past 5 weeks and there's no big man to greet me. No one to poke me, no one to tickle me, no one to kiss me, no one to cook for, no one to tease, no one to beat at poker, no one
Sunday, September 21, 2008
God I Hope I Get It
Jesus Christ Superstar am I experiencing some mega vampires!!! I have an audition for A Chorus Line today. What the fuck? I cannot dance good enough to be in a musical!
Or can I?
...No I can't!!!
That's what's going on in my head right now. Okay, it's slightly easier (for me) to rock a Fosse type number, but if I have to jump or do any sort of...real dancing, I'm going to die.
Here's another problem: no one will read this til after the audition! LAME! I need the support!
I'm just going to straighten my hair, get my song in order, print off my headshot and resume, choose a random outfit and be on my way. In 4 hours. That's enough time. Enough time to learn to dance like a dancer.
Also, this is a real paying gig. Like a good one. So even if I get chorus, that's wicked, right? I mean it's not as cool as getting a chorus part in ANY OTHER SHOW, but whatever, I get paid to perform every night! Then everyone who works with me will learn how hilarious I am and how great I am to work with and what a good singer I am, and I'll get cast for the next show that isn't so dancy dancy.
Okay, vampire not killed, but live-withable.
ps why the fuck is [title of show] closing? What are we going to do without it?
Or can I?
...No I can't!!!
That's what's going on in my head right now. Okay, it's slightly easier (for me) to rock a Fosse type number, but if I have to jump or do any sort of...real dancing, I'm going to die.
Here's another problem: no one will read this til after the audition! LAME! I need the support!
I'm just going to straighten my hair, get my song in order, print off my headshot and resume, choose a random outfit and be on my way. In 4 hours. That's enough time. Enough time to learn to dance like a dancer.
Also, this is a real paying gig. Like a good one. So even if I get chorus, that's wicked, right? I mean it's not as cool as getting a chorus part in ANY OTHER SHOW, but whatever, I get paid to perform every night! Then everyone who works with me will learn how hilarious I am and how great I am to work with and what a good singer I am, and I'll get cast for the next show that isn't so dancy dancy.
Okay, vampire not killed, but live-withable.
ps why the fuck is [title of show] closing? What are we going to do without it?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Weirdest Day Ever
So I'm in Vancouver with my man, exploring, enjoying, oohing and aahing, auditioning and canoodling...you get it.
Well, everything's normal, everything had a routine, but like, EG didn't have any friends except me and I get to at least meet children, parents and auditioners. So he's happy with me and stuff, but he didn't have anyone else--you can get cabin fever, you know?
ps, I'm a little tipsy.
So today, EG needed to watch a specific football (as in Soccer) game on TV and as we searched from pub to pub, he found this man and his wife looking for the same game.
Long story short, these guys were RICH and WEIRD! He's like early 40s and she's like 60 something!!! She comes from money and he's a dentist from England, they've lived everywhere in the world, they're just visiting here, they're about to go to Alaska...what the fuck. She had enough of his drinking and goes to their hotel, he gets my honey wasted as they accent it up and I go and babysit! Then he takes us to his hotel bar, for which I was way underdressed and EG tells me he's been given a substance to hold on to...I'm confused.
Need to blog properly when I'm not making an athlete his 3rd meal of the day at 11pm.
Well, everything's normal, everything had a routine, but like, EG didn't have any friends except me and I get to at least meet children, parents and auditioners. So he's happy with me and stuff, but he didn't have anyone else--you can get cabin fever, you know?
ps, I'm a little tipsy.
So today, EG needed to watch a specific football (as in Soccer) game on TV and as we searched from pub to pub, he found this man and his wife looking for the same game.
Long story short, these guys were RICH and WEIRD! He's like early 40s and she's like 60 something!!! She comes from money and he's a dentist from England, they've lived everywhere in the world, they're just visiting here, they're about to go to Alaska...what the fuck. She had enough of his drinking and goes to their hotel, he gets my honey wasted as they accent it up and I go and babysit! Then he takes us to his hotel bar, for which I was way underdressed and EG tells me he's been given a substance to hold on to...I'm confused.
Need to blog properly when I'm not making an athlete his 3rd meal of the day at 11pm.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Loving my Lovah/Snow White and the Seven Sins
My English Gentleman is seriously wicked. I am loving him up.
I'm reeeeeeeeeally scared about what's going to happen when he leaves to do his masters. We don't even know if we can see each other at Christmas.
Neenia and I got married, does everyone know that? We didn't marry each other, we married "What If." Evidently, "What If" and Neenia and I are meant to be together. Neenia has always loved "What If," I tried to talk her out of the arrangement as I think "What If" is not good for anyone, in fact, "What If" is kind of the devil. I didn't want anything do to with "What If" and I pushed him aside whenever he reared his ugly head. But rear his ugly head he did, and rather relentlessly too. In New York, with Neenia's sneaky help, I finally gave in to "What If." We were married that night and I haven't been able to close the floodgates since.
What if he sleeps with someone else? I'm sure he will! What if he sleeps with lots of people? What if one of those people gives him a disease that he doesn't find out about until it's too late? What if one of those chicks is kinkier than me and he leaves me for her? What if all of those chicks are skinnier than me and he leaves me because it's clear that he can be with skinnier local girls whenever he wants? What if my what-iffing makes me so unbearably girly that he never wants to see me again and he sees that every other girl in the world is lower maintenance than I am? What if I get fatter while he's away and the next time I see him he no longer finds me attractive? What if he finds someone smarter than me? What if neither of us make enough money to visit so he just gives up? What if he makes money and I don't so he doesn't think it's worth it anymore? What if I'm trying to save money and pay off my debt so can't call him every day, or any day and we're never on the computer at the same time and he forgets about me? What if he gets a job in one city and I get a job in another city, and they're both dream jobs?
These things are SO FUCKING LIKELY. How am I supposed to feel about that?
I really love him. Let's "What If" the good stuff.
What if he's so busy doing his masters that he doesn't really have time to meet new girls? What if we both save just enough to see each other at Christmas? What if he makes it all the way until next August without sleeping with, or at least falling in love with another girl and we end up moving to the same city? What if he really does love me?
He has said to me "If this works out, it won't always be like this. You'll know. You'll have security."
When I have security, I can tell "What If" to fuck off and die once and for all.
**********
As mentioned, I'm writing a 3-day novel. Starting tomorrow. It's going to be the gothic-opera-ballet that I wanted to produce. Snow White and the Seven Sins. But now it will be in novel form. I'm really excited about it! Should it be a happy ending? Should the sins end up doing her good or, as their very nature implies, bad?
I'm heading in Vampire-free and I'm shakin-bakin!
I'm reeeeeeeeeally scared about what's going to happen when he leaves to do his masters. We don't even know if we can see each other at Christmas.
Neenia and I got married, does everyone know that? We didn't marry each other, we married "What If." Evidently, "What If" and Neenia and I are meant to be together. Neenia has always loved "What If," I tried to talk her out of the arrangement as I think "What If" is not good for anyone, in fact, "What If" is kind of the devil. I didn't want anything do to with "What If" and I pushed him aside whenever he reared his ugly head. But rear his ugly head he did, and rather relentlessly too. In New York, with Neenia's sneaky help, I finally gave in to "What If." We were married that night and I haven't been able to close the floodgates since.
What if he sleeps with someone else? I'm sure he will! What if he sleeps with lots of people? What if one of those people gives him a disease that he doesn't find out about until it's too late? What if one of those chicks is kinkier than me and he leaves me for her? What if all of those chicks are skinnier than me and he leaves me because it's clear that he can be with skinnier local girls whenever he wants? What if my what-iffing makes me so unbearably girly that he never wants to see me again and he sees that every other girl in the world is lower maintenance than I am? What if I get fatter while he's away and the next time I see him he no longer finds me attractive? What if he finds someone smarter than me? What if neither of us make enough money to visit so he just gives up? What if he makes money and I don't so he doesn't think it's worth it anymore? What if I'm trying to save money and pay off my debt so can't call him every day, or any day and we're never on the computer at the same time and he forgets about me? What if he gets a job in one city and I get a job in another city, and they're both dream jobs?
These things are SO FUCKING LIKELY. How am I supposed to feel about that?
I really love him. Let's "What If" the good stuff.
What if he's so busy doing his masters that he doesn't really have time to meet new girls? What if we both save just enough to see each other at Christmas? What if he makes it all the way until next August without sleeping with, or at least falling in love with another girl and we end up moving to the same city? What if he really does love me?
He has said to me "If this works out, it won't always be like this. You'll know. You'll have security."
When I have security, I can tell "What If" to fuck off and die once and for all.
**********
As mentioned, I'm writing a 3-day novel. Starting tomorrow. It's going to be the gothic-opera-ballet that I wanted to produce. Snow White and the Seven Sins. But now it will be in novel form. I'm really excited about it! Should it be a happy ending? Should the sins end up doing her good or, as their very nature implies, bad?
I'm heading in Vampire-free and I'm shakin-bakin!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
By the seaside, oh! By the beautiful sea!
There's too much to tell! I don't know what to tell...
I spent two weeks on a hippie island with my lovah and my now-married, somewhat chemically-affected, close friend, my fellow Mermaid. I've lost her forever, I know that now. She's someone else completely. It happens...
Now my lovah and I are in Vancouver, the poshest part of town, Yaletown! And we are loving pretending to be rich, like we can actually afford to live here.
I still have 31 days left with my lovely Englishman and we couldn't be happier. Well, that's not true, I'd be happier if I had security. But I'm pretty happy. Like reeeeally really happy. He's here, I can't complain at all!
For labour day weekend, we're entering a 3-day novel competition! it's going to be gruelling and exciting and nervewracking and fun! I can't wait! EG's freaking out a bit...
I have an audition tomorrow, I'm also babysitting, I also have an interview to babysit for another lady. In reverse order. Big day! I also have to go to the gym...The audition is a capella. Lame, I like accompanists.
I can't think of what else to say. My head is killing me because birth control is satan's drug of choice. It's so evil, my body can't wait to go off it. But being off it means I lose my man. Not an option for my body, soul, mind, heart.
I miss my friends and family!
I'll write more soon.
I spent two weeks on a hippie island with my lovah and my now-married, somewhat chemically-affected, close friend, my fellow Mermaid. I've lost her forever, I know that now. She's someone else completely. It happens...
Now my lovah and I are in Vancouver, the poshest part of town, Yaletown! And we are loving pretending to be rich, like we can actually afford to live here.
I still have 31 days left with my lovely Englishman and we couldn't be happier. Well, that's not true, I'd be happier if I had security. But I'm pretty happy. Like reeeeally really happy. He's here, I can't complain at all!
For labour day weekend, we're entering a 3-day novel competition! it's going to be gruelling and exciting and nervewracking and fun! I can't wait! EG's freaking out a bit...
I have an audition tomorrow, I'm also babysitting, I also have an interview to babysit for another lady. In reverse order. Big day! I also have to go to the gym...The audition is a capella. Lame, I like accompanists.
I can't think of what else to say. My head is killing me because birth control is satan's drug of choice. It's so evil, my body can't wait to go off it. But being off it means I lose my man. Not an option for my body, soul, mind, heart.
I miss my friends and family!
I'll write more soon.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
okay, so I can't do titles on my blog anymore because it comes out coded! it's pissing me off!
a bunch of little/big things:
- I had a dream that Neenia was driving me and two mystery people around Japan/Korea. I called my friend who's already in Japan right now to say hello and she was like "wicked, let's meet at the beach." Neenia was driving like a maniac! over dunes and into children! But we had fun.
- I am the girl from 27 dresses! wtf? here are some thoughts on weddings: weddings cost a lot; it's hard to be unique when it comes to universal tradition; one girl doesn't need 3 showers, a bachelorette party, a jack and jill and a sleepover the night before; in my recollection, the sleepover the night before is the most fun; weddings cost too much; I want to sign the registry!; wedding gifts suck when you're poor and people's expectations are unreasonable; 5 weddings. one year.
- I told Neenia this: I'm afraid to tell people anything bad about EG because I'm worried they'll just say "ahh, then ditch him." No, we're not in the ditching phase anymore! it would take something HUGE to break us up! So if we have a problem, assume we're going to get over it very soon, I would just like your opinion on the best way to do that!
- I need a freaking haircut! I look like a bushpig.
- I love clean slates! that's so bad because I might just spend my whole life running away from dirty slates looking for clean ones...not a good idea! But I have a really good feeling about this one! And I'm using it to wipe away my old one!
- My breath is horrible because I drank Alabama Slammers last night. You have to order them like this: "Alabama Slamma" and I made my friend order like that and the girl didn't hear so it was really funny when she had to repeat it clearly!
- I need to pack! stop distracting me! I can't do things like pack or clean without company. I don't need help, I just need you to SIT there! come on over!!!
- I miss doin' stuff with Skinny! We need to make an internet show where we do stuff but we're too far away!
Enough for now, I think...
a bunch of little/big things:
- I had a dream that Neenia was driving me and two mystery people around Japan/Korea. I called my friend who's already in Japan right now to say hello and she was like "wicked, let's meet at the beach." Neenia was driving like a maniac! over dunes and into children! But we had fun.
- I am the girl from 27 dresses! wtf? here are some thoughts on weddings: weddings cost a lot; it's hard to be unique when it comes to universal tradition; one girl doesn't need 3 showers, a bachelorette party, a jack and jill and a sleepover the night before; in my recollection, the sleepover the night before is the most fun; weddings cost too much; I want to sign the registry!; wedding gifts suck when you're poor and people's expectations are unreasonable; 5 weddings. one year.
- I told Neenia this: I'm afraid to tell people anything bad about EG because I'm worried they'll just say "ahh, then ditch him." No, we're not in the ditching phase anymore! it would take something HUGE to break us up! So if we have a problem, assume we're going to get over it very soon, I would just like your opinion on the best way to do that!
- I need a freaking haircut! I look like a bushpig.
- I love clean slates! that's so bad because I might just spend my whole life running away from dirty slates looking for clean ones...not a good idea! But I have a really good feeling about this one! And I'm using it to wipe away my old one!
- My breath is horrible because I drank Alabama Slammers last night. You have to order them like this: "Alabama Slamma" and I made my friend order like that and the girl didn't hear so it was really funny when she had to repeat it clearly!
- I need to pack! stop distracting me! I can't do things like pack or clean without company. I don't need help, I just need you to SIT there! come on over!!!
- I miss doin' stuff with Skinny! We need to make an internet show where we do stuff but we're too far away!
Enough for now, I think...
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
It seems as if I'm lacking in motivation. But that can't be true, can it? I have all the reasons in the world to achieve my goals! For example, if it was my goal to murder someone, the detectives would say "her motivation was that he raped and pillaged her village." That's the strength of my motivation.
What I lack is drive, right? So like this dude destroys my whole village and I, instead of killing him--albeit, a dangerous plan that would take a lot of work and time--I sit on the fucking couch watching What Not to Wear eating a lot of cheese and bread.
My motivation for doing the things I want it huge. HUGE! What's stopping me from...doing them?! Surely the thought of not doing them is the worst case scenario, right? Clearly, I'm lazy like an old french whore. Je suis whore.
Well, I like to think it's outside influence getting in my head. And that debt thing. So I'm going to BC, with a clean slate there and a lot of monetary issues to deal with here. I'm hoping that if I deal with them from abroad, I can detatch myself from the emotional aspects of moolah while exploring a new place and creating art there. It's just so easy to put on a show. It's just so easy to write songs. It's so easy so find an agent. That's what I'm telling myself because that's what I'm going to do when I get to the West Coast. Those motherfucking vampires, like Neenia's, will die like...motherfuckers.
*****
I saw a movie last night called "Reign Over Me" starring Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler. Liv Tyler was also in it, she played a Psychologist (is that the kind sans meds? like just the therapist kind. that's her). I thougt she was good in it, but her character just bugged me a teeny tiny bit. Like she was being just a little too understanding, just a little bit patronising. She said the patient's name too much, know what I mean? Well, when I went to bed, I started imagining myself talking to a therapist a lot like Liv. And in my mind, I couldn't stop talking. There's SO MUCH going on in my mind! So much, man! Things I haven't thought about in years, things that happened yesterday, good things, bad things, food, money, love, new friends, old friends, not friends, hair, babies, jealousy, laziness, drugs, trips, parents, cats, aunts, uncles, smoking, houses, weddings, apartments, mess, laundry, books, when I was 12, the fact that I'm 25...so much. That's a veeeeeeery general overview of my thoughts. I could go on for pages about each thing and there are more things. I know I'm not unique in this. I know everyone is filled with thoughts. But how the fuck do people file everything away? I have this problem where I need to talk about things. When I do, the info gets sorted. Though I communicate often and freely, I think all the crap in my brain is stuff I haven't talked about, or I have, but with the wrong people. I feel like I've been forgetting something since I was seven years old. I'm on the plane and I'm about to shout "KEVIN" but right now, I don't know what it is I'm forgetting. I know it's important, like my son. It's killing me! I need to talk to someone! I bet everyone wants to talk to someone.
I would love some therapy.
What I lack is drive, right? So like this dude destroys my whole village and I, instead of killing him--albeit, a dangerous plan that would take a lot of work and time--I sit on the fucking couch watching What Not to Wear eating a lot of cheese and bread.
My motivation for doing the things I want it huge. HUGE! What's stopping me from...doing them?! Surely the thought of not doing them is the worst case scenario, right? Clearly, I'm lazy like an old french whore. Je suis whore.
Well, I like to think it's outside influence getting in my head. And that debt thing. So I'm going to BC, with a clean slate there and a lot of monetary issues to deal with here. I'm hoping that if I deal with them from abroad, I can detatch myself from the emotional aspects of moolah while exploring a new place and creating art there. It's just so easy to put on a show. It's just so easy to write songs. It's so easy so find an agent. That's what I'm telling myself because that's what I'm going to do when I get to the West Coast. Those motherfucking vampires, like Neenia's, will die like...motherfuckers.
*****
I saw a movie last night called "Reign Over Me" starring Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler. Liv Tyler was also in it, she played a Psychologist (is that the kind sans meds? like just the therapist kind. that's her). I thougt she was good in it, but her character just bugged me a teeny tiny bit. Like she was being just a little too understanding, just a little bit patronising. She said the patient's name too much, know what I mean? Well, when I went to bed, I started imagining myself talking to a therapist a lot like Liv. And in my mind, I couldn't stop talking. There's SO MUCH going on in my mind! So much, man! Things I haven't thought about in years, things that happened yesterday, good things, bad things, food, money, love, new friends, old friends, not friends, hair, babies, jealousy, laziness, drugs, trips, parents, cats, aunts, uncles, smoking, houses, weddings, apartments, mess, laundry, books, when I was 12, the fact that I'm 25...so much. That's a veeeeeeery general overview of my thoughts. I could go on for pages about each thing and there are more things. I know I'm not unique in this. I know everyone is filled with thoughts. But how the fuck do people file everything away? I have this problem where I need to talk about things. When I do, the info gets sorted. Though I communicate often and freely, I think all the crap in my brain is stuff I haven't talked about, or I have, but with the wrong people. I feel like I've been forgetting something since I was seven years old. I'm on the plane and I'm about to shout "KEVIN" but right now, I don't know what it is I'm forgetting. I know it's important, like my son. It's killing me! I need to talk to someone! I bet everyone wants to talk to someone.
I would love some therapy.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
rhymingscheme
How do you make me feel this way?
How can someone so far away
Remain at the forefront of my mind for so long?
My body rushing, dancing, flying,
Laughing, singing, floating, crying
Out "my love is everstrong!"
Never known a definite this sure,
Continuous explosions somehow pure-
Ly make their way out from my core.
My core, that molten-lava place,
Melted from your eyes-closed happy face
You make when you can't take much more.
That face that holds that mouth affects me so.
Two lips apart, mirroring my "oh,"
As I fall deeper, harder into you.
That image found it's clever way to sear
Itself upon my memory last year
And nothing short of death can wipe it clear.
So I love you still while you're not here.
It isn't sensical or planned out - but I do.
How can someone so far away
Remain at the forefront of my mind for so long?
My body rushing, dancing, flying,
Laughing, singing, floating, crying
Out "my love is everstrong!"
Never known a definite this sure,
Continuous explosions somehow pure-
Ly make their way out from my core.
My core, that molten-lava place,
Melted from your eyes-closed happy face
You make when you can't take much more.
That face that holds that mouth affects me so.
Two lips apart, mirroring my "oh,"
As I fall deeper, harder into you.
That image found it's clever way to sear
Itself upon my memory last year
And nothing short of death can wipe it clear.
So I love you still while you're not here.
It isn't sensical or planned out - but I do.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
That's right. I said it. I copied Susan. And I meant it. That's what I plan to do from now on. copy-cat. it'll work. I'll turn it into an art.
in other news, I'm gonna have a concert. somehow. someday. somewhere. probably a couple sundays from now at the savannah lounge.
when my oldest friend and I were little, there was this girl named Savannah who was younger than us and she used to follow us around and she was SO annoying! You know when someone/something is annoying and you either roll your eyes or drop your head back...I don't know why either is an instinct, but there you go. So my friend and I, every time we saw her, we'd throw our heads back. Then we decided anytime we heard her name we had to do the same. In any context. Which is kind of funny, because when are you gonna hear "Savannah" when it's not about that one girl in our hood? And now I go to the Savannah Lounge once a month and I have to do the head thing every time I say/hear it.
Also, You know how people pronounce "well" like "wull?" Like if you ask someone why they don't want to go out and they say "wull, So You Think You Can Dance is on!" Well, we don't like that pronunciation so we have to do the head thing when people say "wull" too. We still do it.
Speaking of So You Think You Can Dance, I don't think I can, not well, but how I love it! I love Comfort and Will. There's just something about Comfort, and everybody loves Will.
Speaking of Love, I love EG. He's being so wonderful. He's magnificent. We're finally going to spend time together. Like real time. We're going to live somewhere new to both of us for almost two months. I'm excited and scared and thrilled and happy and not surprised! I love this feeling. I love being in love. I really do.
That wasn't my [title of show] but I can think of little else. Except my fantasy book. another blog for another day I guess.
ps I love magic.
Fucking.
Shit.
That's right. I said it. I copied Susan. And I meant it. That's what I plan to do from now on. copy-cat. it'll work. I'll turn it into an art.
in other news, I'm gonna have a concert. somehow. someday. somewhere. probably a couple sundays from now at the savannah lounge.
when my oldest friend and I were little, there was this girl named Savannah who was younger than us and she used to follow us around and she was SO annoying! You know when someone/something is annoying and you either roll your eyes or drop your head back...I don't know why either is an instinct, but there you go. So my friend and I, every time we saw her, we'd throw our heads back. Then we decided anytime we heard her name we had to do the same. In any context. Which is kind of funny, because when are you gonna hear "Savannah" when it's not about that one girl in our hood? And now I go to the Savannah Lounge once a month and I have to do the head thing every time I say/hear it.
Also, You know how people pronounce "well" like "wull?" Like if you ask someone why they don't want to go out and they say "wull, So You Think You Can Dance is on!" Well, we don't like that pronunciation so we have to do the head thing when people say "wull" too. We still do it.
Speaking of So You Think You Can Dance, I don't think I can, not well, but how I love it! I love Comfort and Will. There's just something about Comfort, and everybody loves Will.
Speaking of Love, I love EG. He's being so wonderful. He's magnificent. We're finally going to spend time together. Like real time. We're going to live somewhere new to both of us for almost two months. I'm excited and scared and thrilled and happy and not surprised! I love this feeling. I love being in love. I really do.
That wasn't my [title of show] but I can think of little else. Except my fantasy book. another blog for another day I guess.
ps I love magic.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Showtime?
So...I just had a sex dream about Skinny Rabbit. It was intense, and it was good. Really good. Actually, we never got to the sex, we were interrupted, but the foreplay promised the most intense sex of my life.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Superstar
I want to write good music and make a good album. I really do. I want a whole Princesse Alathariel album, self titled, 11 amazing tracks plus a secret a capella song. I want the songs to make people feel, think, sing along, light candles and meditate, listen to it in their cars, share with their friends and possibly dance. I want to record it in a proper studio with proper producers and musicians. I want it to be found at HMV. I want to be on youtube and Wikipedia. I don't care if it's platinum, if it never reaches Jagged Little Pill status. I don't care if I don't get nominated for best new artist at the Junos or the Grammys. But I want most people to say: "Princesse Alathariel? Yeah, I heard her, I really liked her album." And I want a few people to say: "Have you heard of Princesse Alathariel? You'd really like her album. Especially track 4." I want about 13 or 14 young women in each province to listen to my album with their eyes closed and really feel like I wrote it for them, or that they truly know me. I want like 50 guys to think "that Alathariel is pretty hot." or "cute." I don't want anyone to think I'm whiny or imposing or pretentious. I want to make a decent amount of money with this album, enough to get me by and make the producers happy that they helped me make it. I don't want to sell out. I want a few other musicians to respect me and jam with me a bit. I want to go on a small Canadian tour, either opening for a group, or sharing the headline with a few other similar artists. I want the album to provide opportunities for me, like my almost household name convincing a director to put me in a show without auditioning. I want to be recognised once a week, not by screaming fans, or even fans. I want to do a radio interview and play a song over the radio. I want to inspire people, even if it just makes someone put flowers in their hair. I want my mom, my friends, my lovah, my favourite teachers to be proud of me. I want to be part of it all. I want to write good music and make a good album.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Let's Do It
So, I'm not very lucky this year. Not really.
I had to move back in with my mom because I couldn't afford rent--not bad luck, I know, it's my fault, but it was sort of circumstantial...
I got toxic shock syndrome from spirit gum on my nipples when doing a burlesque show.
One of my very best friends moved away to BC and is getting married.
I'm a part of five weddings this year--none of them mine.
I can't see EG all summer.
My eyes and cheeks are as big as tennis balls and I don't know why and they won't go down.
Now, all of this may not seem so bad, but some of them are long term; debt, no EG, no friend in BC, no wedding. Okay, the no wedding one isn't bad luck either, it might actually be good luck. But it's not easy to watch everyone around you getting married, singing at their weddings and smiling through it all. Of course I'm happy for them, but I have a very jealous nature.
On the plus side, this year I've already been to New Brunswick and I'm going to New York and later BC and I'm hoping EG will invite me to either Cyprus or England for Christmas. Can't afford any of it, but there you go. Also, I just had the BEST two weeks with EG. Definitely the best time we've ever spent together. It was perfect. Much, much, much needed sex, and kinky sex at that, fun in the sun at the cottage, playing monopoly, good times at the zoo, lot's of comedy from England, the Beatles, and more laughter than ever before. Oh, and a lot of really hot sex.
But again, I look like a pug, so it's hard to feel very happy.
I just wanted to blog again. Let's get into that. I never see anyone--Neenia, it's up to us!--and I wanna know what's going on. Does anyone else have blowfish eyes?
I had to move back in with my mom because I couldn't afford rent--not bad luck, I know, it's my fault, but it was sort of circumstantial...
I got toxic shock syndrome from spirit gum on my nipples when doing a burlesque show.
One of my very best friends moved away to BC and is getting married.
I'm a part of five weddings this year--none of them mine.
I can't see EG all summer.
My eyes and cheeks are as big as tennis balls and I don't know why and they won't go down.
Now, all of this may not seem so bad, but some of them are long term; debt, no EG, no friend in BC, no wedding. Okay, the no wedding one isn't bad luck either, it might actually be good luck. But it's not easy to watch everyone around you getting married, singing at their weddings and smiling through it all. Of course I'm happy for them, but I have a very jealous nature.
On the plus side, this year I've already been to New Brunswick and I'm going to New York and later BC and I'm hoping EG will invite me to either Cyprus or England for Christmas. Can't afford any of it, but there you go. Also, I just had the BEST two weeks with EG. Definitely the best time we've ever spent together. It was perfect. Much, much, much needed sex, and kinky sex at that, fun in the sun at the cottage, playing monopoly, good times at the zoo, lot's of comedy from England, the Beatles, and more laughter than ever before. Oh, and a lot of really hot sex.
But again, I look like a pug, so it's hard to feel very happy.
I just wanted to blog again. Let's get into that. I never see anyone--Neenia, it's up to us!--and I wanna know what's going on. Does anyone else have blowfish eyes?
Monday, April 28, 2008
seriously ya'll, kiss
I'm so fucking horny right now. I'm begging skinny to stick it in me.
I think it's a full moon or something.
I need it.
I think it's a full moon or something.
I need it.
My Second Home
I loooooooooooooove it there. I love eyes on me. I love applause.
Is that wrong? Arrogant? Cheesy?
I don't care. It's fucking hot. I don't ever get the chance to feel so alive unless I'm being fucked. And it would have to be good to match the feeling. Like hair-pulling, ass-slapping, name-calling good fucking.
ALIVE! AT HOME! AT LAST!
Is that wrong? Arrogant? Cheesy?
I don't care. It's fucking hot. I don't ever get the chance to feel so alive unless I'm being fucked. And it would have to be good to match the feeling. Like hair-pulling, ass-slapping, name-calling good fucking.
ALIVE! AT HOME! AT LAST!
Friday, April 11, 2008
My Copy Cat List
Things that make me happy:
A good blog.
Getting a day off work--even if it means having a horrible fever.
Reading crappy fantasy.
Prequels.
Soup when you're sick.
Getting mail.
When my cat sits on my chest.
Knowing someone so well you can say "you would."
EG's choice of words making me giggle, making him laugh, making me giggle again.
Chocolate almonds with Neenia.
Girly sleepovers with my fellow Mermaid.
Harry Potter.
When sim-Alathariel has a baby with sim-EG.
Learning to cook a new meal.
Getting something done.
Moving into a new house.
Being on stage.
Being backstage.
Scrubs.
Hanging out with Neenia and Skinny Rabbit and knowing it's absolutely necessary to perform all of RENT for ourselves.
Finding out that [title of show] is going to Broadway.
Writing a good song.
Getting a message from EG.
Planning what I'd do with a million dollars.
Camping.
Dressing up in costumes.
Speaking with an accent.
Reading good children's fantasy.
The superman symbol.
Knowing I'm going to live in England one day.
Listening to the Beatles.
Eating pasta.
Gruyeres cheese.
Magic.
Write your own!
A good blog.
Getting a day off work--even if it means having a horrible fever.
Reading crappy fantasy.
Prequels.
Soup when you're sick.
Getting mail.
When my cat sits on my chest.
Knowing someone so well you can say "you would."
EG's choice of words making me giggle, making him laugh, making me giggle again.
Chocolate almonds with Neenia.
Girly sleepovers with my fellow Mermaid.
Harry Potter.
When sim-Alathariel has a baby with sim-EG.
Learning to cook a new meal.
Getting something done.
Moving into a new house.
Being on stage.
Being backstage.
Scrubs.
Hanging out with Neenia and Skinny Rabbit and knowing it's absolutely necessary to perform all of RENT for ourselves.
Finding out that [title of show] is going to Broadway.
Writing a good song.
Getting a message from EG.
Planning what I'd do with a million dollars.
Camping.
Dressing up in costumes.
Speaking with an accent.
Reading good children's fantasy.
The superman symbol.
Knowing I'm going to live in England one day.
Listening to the Beatles.
Eating pasta.
Gruyeres cheese.
Magic.
Write your own!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Get Me OUT!
When is it going to stop?
I'm so sick of being ashamed of myself! I'm so sick of being panicked!
Shouldn't we put this in perspective? I'm not addicted to drugs. I'm not an alcoholic. I didn't get into a car crash, killing or injuring people. I haven't started or been a part of any wars. I didn't burn anyone's favourite book. I didn't steal anyone's boyfriend. I've never kidnapped anyone. I didn't even get an STD on my crazy year in Europe.
All I did was borrow a lot of money to go to theatre school and, because it's theatre school, have not been able to pay it back. It's not even that much money! But when the all want it back at the same time, how is that possible? It's not.
So I have to live with feeling bad until it's completely gone, and live with panic for most of that time, too.
I'm so sick of being ashamed of myself! I'm so sick of being panicked!
Shouldn't we put this in perspective? I'm not addicted to drugs. I'm not an alcoholic. I didn't get into a car crash, killing or injuring people. I haven't started or been a part of any wars. I didn't burn anyone's favourite book. I didn't steal anyone's boyfriend. I've never kidnapped anyone. I didn't even get an STD on my crazy year in Europe.
All I did was borrow a lot of money to go to theatre school and, because it's theatre school, have not been able to pay it back. It's not even that much money! But when the all want it back at the same time, how is that possible? It's not.
So I have to live with feeling bad until it's completely gone, and live with panic for most of that time, too.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
A NEW New Song
After spending all of yesterday crying, I was quite drained of all things heavy. I wrote this simple song.
you bring the back up and I'll bring the tune
and we'll sit together one hot afternoon
we don't need a threepiece, we don't need a drum
just play guitar while I hum
you bring the melody, I'll bring the voice
the weather is perfect, the company's choice
I don't need make up, you don't need a shirt
just play guitar while I flirt
you bring the bass line and I'll bring the song
it's a duet so you should sing along
we don't need money and we don't need plans
just play guitar while I dance
you bring the rhythm and I'll bring the blues
we'll turn off our phones and we'll take off our shoes
we don't need much, no we don't need a lot
all that we need we have already got
as long as you're near me, I don't need a thing
just play guitar while I sing
I find it funny because plans and dance barely rhyme when I sing it, but if an Englishman were to sing it, it wouldn't rhyme at all!
I like singing. It makes me feel good. It's important. People don't know it. They're trying to fill holes in the world with money. They see a hole in the world and they fill it with more money and wonder why there are still holes. I know you can fill it with art. It's okay if they don't, because I don't understand the money part. We'll each do our duty. I know my duty is art, even if it goes unnappreciated by the money people. I know it's important. I know it's helping all of us. Even if the money people send me to the street, I'll keep singing and the world will be better for it.
That's what I need to do...not be selfish. I know it seems like art is selfish but I know it's not. I'm going to try and dedicate today to making other people smile (I sound so preachy--there's still a racist homophobe who makes fun of AIDS in here, don't worry...) to see how it feels and then I'll try to do that forever. I'm also going for a jog today. Is it possible for people to change so drastically this quickly? I might as well try.
ps this has been the blog of a crazy person, obviously. I'm just SO weighed down right now, by so many different things, I'm finding it hard to be myself!!!
you bring the back up and I'll bring the tune
and we'll sit together one hot afternoon
we don't need a threepiece, we don't need a drum
just play guitar while I hum
you bring the melody, I'll bring the voice
the weather is perfect, the company's choice
I don't need make up, you don't need a shirt
just play guitar while I flirt
you bring the bass line and I'll bring the song
it's a duet so you should sing along
we don't need money and we don't need plans
just play guitar while I dance
you bring the rhythm and I'll bring the blues
we'll turn off our phones and we'll take off our shoes
we don't need much, no we don't need a lot
all that we need we have already got
as long as you're near me, I don't need a thing
just play guitar while I sing
I find it funny because plans and dance barely rhyme when I sing it, but if an Englishman were to sing it, it wouldn't rhyme at all!
I like singing. It makes me feel good. It's important. People don't know it. They're trying to fill holes in the world with money. They see a hole in the world and they fill it with more money and wonder why there are still holes. I know you can fill it with art. It's okay if they don't, because I don't understand the money part. We'll each do our duty. I know my duty is art, even if it goes unnappreciated by the money people. I know it's important. I know it's helping all of us. Even if the money people send me to the street, I'll keep singing and the world will be better for it.
That's what I need to do...not be selfish. I know it seems like art is selfish but I know it's not. I'm going to try and dedicate today to making other people smile (I sound so preachy--there's still a racist homophobe who makes fun of AIDS in here, don't worry...) to see how it feels and then I'll try to do that forever. I'm also going for a jog today. Is it possible for people to change so drastically this quickly? I might as well try.
ps this has been the blog of a crazy person, obviously. I'm just SO weighed down right now, by so many different things, I'm finding it hard to be myself!!!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
The (other) Romance Song
when a girl asks you what you're thinking
you should always say "about you,
about your eyes, your smile, and your tiny waist
oh i love you!"
but when i ask you what you're thinking
you say "nothing, nothing at all."
then you grin that vacant boy grin
and you wonder why i am appalled.
but you say
"romance can't be found in three little words
or in flowers or diamonds on a ring.
roses aren't gonna tell you how i feel."
you know i hate it when you're right
and i love picking fights.
why don't you just say what i wanna hear?
what do you think it means to be happy?
how do you think that i should react
when my best friends all become brides?
i'm running out of tact!
i don't hear "dear, i'll always be with you
'cause our love is the forever kind!"
though you care, i compare when i'm drowning in couples
there's no out of sight out of mind.
and you say
"romance can't be found in three little words
or in flowers or diamonds on a ring.
roses aren't gonna tell you how i feel."
you know i hate it when you're right
and i love picking fights
why don't you just say what i wanna hear?
when i step back i see that i'm happy,
i just glow and i know that it's always for you!
you don't need to feed my girly obsessions--
i only want you.
if you tell me all of your secrets
if you let me in on the joke
if you make me your partner in crime
i'll make you the worlds happiest bloke.
i know romance can't be found in three little words
or in flowers or diamonds on a ring
roses aren't gonna tell me how you feel
i know you're always right
i won't put up a fight
what you say is just what i wanna hear.
you should always say "about you,
about your eyes, your smile, and your tiny waist
oh i love you!"
but when i ask you what you're thinking
you say "nothing, nothing at all."
then you grin that vacant boy grin
and you wonder why i am appalled.
but you say
"romance can't be found in three little words
or in flowers or diamonds on a ring.
roses aren't gonna tell you how i feel."
you know i hate it when you're right
and i love picking fights.
why don't you just say what i wanna hear?
what do you think it means to be happy?
how do you think that i should react
when my best friends all become brides?
i'm running out of tact!
i don't hear "dear, i'll always be with you
'cause our love is the forever kind!"
though you care, i compare when i'm drowning in couples
there's no out of sight out of mind.
and you say
"romance can't be found in three little words
or in flowers or diamonds on a ring.
roses aren't gonna tell you how i feel."
you know i hate it when you're right
and i love picking fights
why don't you just say what i wanna hear?
when i step back i see that i'm happy,
i just glow and i know that it's always for you!
you don't need to feed my girly obsessions--
i only want you.
if you tell me all of your secrets
if you let me in on the joke
if you make me your partner in crime
i'll make you the worlds happiest bloke.
i know romance can't be found in three little words
or in flowers or diamonds on a ring
roses aren't gonna tell me how you feel
i know you're always right
i won't put up a fight
what you say is just what i wanna hear.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
My Swiss Family
I didn't mention this on any blog, but I lost my hotmail and facebook accounts a lot of months ago! It's kind of a good thing because I don't have to re-add all my old grade school "friends" but it's a HORRIBLE thing because it means I lost so many contacts, especially my SWISS FAMILY who I've been dying to talk to for so long!!!!!!!!!!!!
My overseas friends, please contact me at my new email address riceclaire@gmail.com or on skype! I added you, but you haven't accepted, I guess you're never on it.
I miss you all so so much! I'm desperate to know how everyone's doing, how big the kiddies are, if the house is finished, everything! Please let me know! I love you!
My overseas friends, please contact me at my new email address riceclaire@gmail.com or on skype! I added you, but you haven't accepted, I guess you're never on it.
I miss you all so so much! I'm desperate to know how everyone's doing, how big the kiddies are, if the house is finished, everything! Please let me know! I love you!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Learn From My Triumphs, Not My Mistakes
Dude, when you like, do stuff, and get shit done, shit gets done and it feels good!
I should do this more often.
I should do this more often.
Friday, February 22, 2008
I Want
I'm a little self absorbed. A lot. I'm an actress. I think it's in my blood. I'm also absorbed in the people around me, the ones I like anyway. If I weren't in a hole, I'd focus on making all of our lives better.
I'm confused about what I want. I'm craving permanance and excitement at the same time. Thrills and reassurance. I can't have that. Like...I was thinking of "stuff" I want and one of the first things I thought of was a home. I want a place to be my permanant home. My life is so temporary. I want my place with my things in my neighbourhood. With EG. Who feels like home. But then I think about it, and I don't care where I live. I want to travel, I want to live everywhere and anywhere. I do want to be with EG. With him, I'll have security everywhere I go. I'll have thrills within reassurance.
I want babies. I really don't want babies. (note to all blogging buddies who don't want babies at all--don't judge, we're all different! I feel a really strong pull and it's coming from my uterus. Deal with it.) I really do because in my mind, a family represents a part of my life where I have my shit together. I really don't because I'm not ready and most of me doesn't need my shit together! It's the rest of the world telling me how I have to be!
I don't want to work, but I really want to feel like I'm accomplishing something, paying off my debt by myself, taking care of myself and my life (and my cat).
I want to get skinny but I want the world to love me the way I look now. (that's an old one, but it will aply forever.)
I want to go to England, but I want EG to come here.
I want to go back to school and get my masters in Scotland but I want to start my career right now and never be a student again.
I want to be my best friend's maid of honour, but I want her to be mine! I'm completely resigned to the fact that I won't be getting married for a long time, I'm happy with it, but I'm so jealous that how can I be happy with it???
I really just want to live off the land, go swimming every day, make art and music, learn to cook, stroll into an orchard and grab a peach, drink interesting red wine and dance after twilight in a flowy dress. Is there a way to live like that?
There's a line in Cabaret: Suppose simply keeping still means you manage until the end.
What I don't want is to survive my life keeping still. I want to live my life. I want to move. So I guess I need to suffer sometimes. It means I'm living.
*Next blog, I'll talk about other people...
I'm confused about what I want. I'm craving permanance and excitement at the same time. Thrills and reassurance. I can't have that. Like...I was thinking of "stuff" I want and one of the first things I thought of was a home. I want a place to be my permanant home. My life is so temporary. I want my place with my things in my neighbourhood. With EG. Who feels like home. But then I think about it, and I don't care where I live. I want to travel, I want to live everywhere and anywhere. I do want to be with EG. With him, I'll have security everywhere I go. I'll have thrills within reassurance.
I want babies. I really don't want babies. (note to all blogging buddies who don't want babies at all--don't judge, we're all different! I feel a really strong pull and it's coming from my uterus. Deal with it.) I really do because in my mind, a family represents a part of my life where I have my shit together. I really don't because I'm not ready and most of me doesn't need my shit together! It's the rest of the world telling me how I have to be!
I don't want to work, but I really want to feel like I'm accomplishing something, paying off my debt by myself, taking care of myself and my life (and my cat).
I want to get skinny but I want the world to love me the way I look now. (that's an old one, but it will aply forever.)
I want to go to England, but I want EG to come here.
I want to go back to school and get my masters in Scotland but I want to start my career right now and never be a student again.
I want to be my best friend's maid of honour, but I want her to be mine! I'm completely resigned to the fact that I won't be getting married for a long time, I'm happy with it, but I'm so jealous that how can I be happy with it???
I really just want to live off the land, go swimming every day, make art and music, learn to cook, stroll into an orchard and grab a peach, drink interesting red wine and dance after twilight in a flowy dress. Is there a way to live like that?
There's a line in Cabaret: Suppose simply keeping still means you manage until the end.
What I don't want is to survive my life keeping still. I want to live my life. I want to move. So I guess I need to suffer sometimes. It means I'm living.
*Next blog, I'll talk about other people...
Sunday, February 10, 2008
This Side of February
Wow, it's been a really long time, but I'm kind of tapped out. Everything I feel like writing about, I've already written about.
You know I love EG, you know I love performing, you know I'm broke. That's pretty much my life right now...
I'm in a bit of a rut, as you know, but feeling good about it. I'm moving in with my mom again! I'm excited! It's going to be such fun, we're going to redecorate all three bedrooms (and I'm going to convince her to do the living room too...) and it'll be an awesome bonding experience before I go away with my man for the summer. I can save, pay off debt, chill with my home-homeys, bogart my mom's long distance plan, eat 3 meals a day--oh my god, my mom and I can exercise together! I'm going to get the fuck in shape! Sweet. Yes, I'm really looking forward to March. It's going to be a good month.
This is a good month too. I'm a performer. I love it. It makes me horny. I want to do it forever.
EG wants me to do it forever. He's so supportive. He said he gets breathless thinking about the show and really feels he's missing out by not seeing it. He can only afford 100 pounds for a plane ticket, but the cheapest I could find is 200. (Couldn't I have found that in December?) I miss him so much. Waking up without him is the hardest. Going to bed has been easy because I'm so tired, but I want him in the morning. It has a bigger effect on me than the winter's lack of sunlight. I feel actual heartache. I hope my absence makes his heart grow fonder. I think it is. It's funny, I kind of miss being in his bed more than I miss him being in my bed. I loved it there. But that might simply have to do with the fact that I had no responsibilities when I was there. I love taking care of him, but I don't have the means! When we go on vacation, it'll be every man for himself. Well, I've kind of decided that he'll pay for the food and I'll cook it and eat a fifth of what he eats. Fair? I think so.
Well, that's my new blog. Incoherent mumbling, unorganised rambling, girly prattling. You love me.
You know I love EG, you know I love performing, you know I'm broke. That's pretty much my life right now...
I'm in a bit of a rut, as you know, but feeling good about it. I'm moving in with my mom again! I'm excited! It's going to be such fun, we're going to redecorate all three bedrooms (and I'm going to convince her to do the living room too...) and it'll be an awesome bonding experience before I go away with my man for the summer. I can save, pay off debt, chill with my home-homeys, bogart my mom's long distance plan, eat 3 meals a day--oh my god, my mom and I can exercise together! I'm going to get the fuck in shape! Sweet. Yes, I'm really looking forward to March. It's going to be a good month.
This is a good month too. I'm a performer. I love it. It makes me horny. I want to do it forever.
EG wants me to do it forever. He's so supportive. He said he gets breathless thinking about the show and really feels he's missing out by not seeing it. He can only afford 100 pounds for a plane ticket, but the cheapest I could find is 200. (Couldn't I have found that in December?) I miss him so much. Waking up without him is the hardest. Going to bed has been easy because I'm so tired, but I want him in the morning. It has a bigger effect on me than the winter's lack of sunlight. I feel actual heartache. I hope my absence makes his heart grow fonder. I think it is. It's funny, I kind of miss being in his bed more than I miss him being in my bed. I loved it there. But that might simply have to do with the fact that I had no responsibilities when I was there. I love taking care of him, but I don't have the means! When we go on vacation, it'll be every man for himself. Well, I've kind of decided that he'll pay for the food and I'll cook it and eat a fifth of what he eats. Fair? I think so.
Well, that's my new blog. Incoherent mumbling, unorganised rambling, girly prattling. You love me.
Monday, January 28, 2008
How do you feel, Alathariel?
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i love him.
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ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim
i love him.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Mini Me
I had a dream that I had a baby girl. My cousins and I were taking pictures of her, "ooh she's so cute!" ing her, saying how much she looked like me. Well, she was me. It was weird. I know what I looked like when I was a baby, so naturally that's what a dream baby of mine would look like. She was adorable. In my dream she was nearly two. (When people become parents, they count the baby's months until the kid is 4 years old. It's annoying.)
Dreams have huge impacts on our lives. I want a baby. I did before, but seeing this wonderful little mini me made me want one more.
But ...psychologists might say that I want my childhood back. And I do. I want to be new again (to quote Adaptation).
But... also, I just want a baby. I want my little girl. I think Isabella. Or Isabelle. Izzie, either way. And I want my little boy who is nameless at the moment but he will be a mini EG. Who wouldn't want a mini EG? My little gentlman and little lady. Life will certainly be so good. It's so good now, but babies would give me something more. Being a nanny all the time shows me how wonderful it is to have kids. Once, the mom in Switzerland, who seemed pretty stressed about the day to day mundane-ness that is work, was playing with her baby and she suddenly said: "Oh, have kids, Alathariel, it's the best thing that will ever happen to you."
I want the best thing that will ever happen to me!
Dreams have huge impacts on our lives. I want a baby. I did before, but seeing this wonderful little mini me made me want one more.
But ...psychologists might say that I want my childhood back. And I do. I want to be new again (to quote Adaptation).
But... also, I just want a baby. I want my little girl. I think Isabella. Or Isabelle. Izzie, either way. And I want my little boy who is nameless at the moment but he will be a mini EG. Who wouldn't want a mini EG? My little gentlman and little lady. Life will certainly be so good. It's so good now, but babies would give me something more. Being a nanny all the time shows me how wonderful it is to have kids. Once, the mom in Switzerland, who seemed pretty stressed about the day to day mundane-ness that is work, was playing with her baby and she suddenly said: "Oh, have kids, Alathariel, it's the best thing that will ever happen to you."
I want the best thing that will ever happen to me!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
If You Try Sometimes
You just might find you get what you need?
The operative words here being "sometimes" and "might."
I know someone who is a lucky, lucky girl.
I love her very much. She's my best friend, I've always wanted to be like her. She's a wonderful human being, full of light and energy and together we are going to take the world by storm!
She doesn't need anything. Well, that's not true, she needed a boy. A Nice Boy. And she's found one.
Once she found him, she didn't need anything. She owns a place, she has no debt, she has a job she's good at and parents to fall back on if anything goes wrong. She has great friends who love her, she has the coolest clothes in the world and she is full of good times. In need of nothing.
But she's getting EVERYTHING. Everything she's ever wanted. No, actually, she's getting everything I ever wanted. How is that fair? She doesn't want a house and a marriage and babies! But she's getting them! She didn't need financial stability! But she's getting it.
I don't begrudge her these things, I'm happy for her! I want her to be happy. But why can't I have them, too?
Karma must be real. Hers is amazing and mine is shot. I guess I'll work on it and see what happens. I'll try sometimes and get what I need.
The operative words here being "sometimes" and "might."
I know someone who is a lucky, lucky girl.
I love her very much. She's my best friend, I've always wanted to be like her. She's a wonderful human being, full of light and energy and together we are going to take the world by storm!
She doesn't need anything. Well, that's not true, she needed a boy. A Nice Boy. And she's found one.
Once she found him, she didn't need anything. She owns a place, she has no debt, she has a job she's good at and parents to fall back on if anything goes wrong. She has great friends who love her, she has the coolest clothes in the world and she is full of good times. In need of nothing.
But she's getting EVERYTHING. Everything she's ever wanted. No, actually, she's getting everything I ever wanted. How is that fair? She doesn't want a house and a marriage and babies! But she's getting them! She didn't need financial stability! But she's getting it.
I don't begrudge her these things, I'm happy for her! I want her to be happy. But why can't I have them, too?
Karma must be real. Hers is amazing and mine is shot. I guess I'll work on it and see what happens. I'll try sometimes and get what I need.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Limbo
I am in a sickening rut. When I'm with a friend, or anyone really, I feel good. I'm on, I'm happy, I'm me. When I'm talking to EG, I feel good, I'm on, I'm happy, I'm me. When I'm alone...I'm lost. I'm stuck. I can't sit down, that's too lazy. I can't stand up, I don't know what to do. I feel completely overwhelmed with responsibility and loneliness.
I can't get myself out. I need people. I need people to kick my ass, but everyone I love is so fucking understanding!
I can't get myself out. I need people. I need people to kick my ass, but everyone I love is so fucking understanding!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Sleepless
Can someone stop me from thinking EG is sleeping with someone else just because I don't hear from him at night?
Except what I really need is someone to stop me from caring that he is.
Except what I really need is someone to stop me from caring that he is.
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Rain in Spain Stays Mainly in the Plain
This is going to be a good blog. Not because of the writing. Because of the content.
I told EG about the Die Vampire, Die! song because he wasn't sure if he was an artist, and that's a vampire. And I said we'd kill all the vampires in our way. And he loved the idea, and he said he loved killing vampires. He wants to go to Spain for the summer to learn Spanish and he asked what I thought about that. I said it would be killing lots of vampires to do so and that I liked the idea! ...but that I like all of his ideas more when they involve me. So the next message said: "Princesse Alathariel, there's no one like you. Would you like to live in Spain with me for the Summer?"
So...guess what I'm doing this summer?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
The I'm -copying-everyone-else New Year's Post!
New Years and stuff...hmm.
Well, last year, I wanted the stuff from the Wizard of Oz: Brains, Heart, Courage and Home.
I think I'm a little smarter.
I definitely use my heart the way I'd like to.
I don't know about courage...hmm...Have I been brave lately? I think so. I could always be braver.
I don't feel at home yet. In Toronto, in my apartment, in my own skin.
I miss my lovah. More than anything. All I can do is achieve my new new years resolutions (we made them together right before midnight on Dec 31st, at the lodge where we went skiing!):
1. Get out of debt. This is the most important thing in my life right now. How depressing is that? How boring! Oh well, it's necessary.
2. Get an agent. yup, I'm on my way.
3. Get three paying gigs. Must get agent first.
4. Put on 3 Bottom's Dream (my theatre company) shows. One's booked for March, 2 are being written.
5. Get in shape. Again, boring. But it doesn't have to be. I just want to be skinny and healthy and glowing all the time. And I want to be able to take the stairs without losing my breath.
Now I want all these things for myself...but is it bad that my main motivation is EG? I want him to love me and want to see me all the time. I feel like accomplishing these things quickly and spectacularly will result in us being together forever.
How I miss him.
But I'm trying to stay positive. I keep telling myself I'm amazing and I will accomplish everything I need to and then I'll be so happy and happy people get what they want. Or is it people who get what they want become happy? Oh well, I think it's cyclical and I'm doing it. I'm fucking spectacular and therefore I will get what I want.
I should probably get back to work now.
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