It seems as if I'm lacking in motivation. But that can't be true, can it? I have all the reasons in the world to achieve my goals! For example, if it was my goal to murder someone, the detectives would say "her motivation was that he raped and pillaged her village." That's the strength of my motivation.

What I lack is drive, right? So like this dude destroys my whole village and I, instead of killing him--albeit, a dangerous plan that would take a lot of work and time--I sit on the fucking couch watching What Not to Wear eating a lot of cheese and bread.

My motivation for doing the things I want it huge. HUGE! What's stopping me from...doing them?! Surely the thought of not doing them is the worst case scenario, right? Clearly, I'm lazy like an old french whore. Je suis whore.

Well, I like to think it's outside influence getting in my head. And that debt thing. So I'm going to BC, with a clean slate there and a lot of monetary issues to deal with here. I'm hoping that if I deal with them from abroad, I can detatch myself from the emotional aspects of moolah while exploring a new place and creating art there. It's just so easy to put on a show. It's just so easy to write songs. It's so easy so find an agent. That's what I'm telling myself because that's what I'm going to do when I get to the West Coast. Those motherfucking vampires, like Neenia's, will die like...motherfuckers.

*****

I saw a movie last night called "Reign Over Me" starring Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler. Liv Tyler was also in it, she played a Psychologist (is that the kind sans meds? like just the therapist kind. that's her). I thougt she was good in it, but her character just bugged me a teeny tiny bit. Like she was being just a little too understanding, just a little bit patronising. She said the patient's name too much, know what I mean? Well, when I went to bed, I started imagining myself talking to a therapist a lot like Liv. And in my mind, I couldn't stop talking. There's SO MUCH going on in my mind! So much, man! Things I haven't thought about in years, things that happened yesterday, good things, bad things, food, money, love, new friends, old friends, not friends, hair, babies, jealousy, laziness, drugs, trips, parents, cats, aunts, uncles, smoking, houses, weddings, apartments, mess, laundry, books, when I was 12, the fact that I'm 25...so much. That's a veeeeeeery general overview of my thoughts. I could go on for pages about each thing and there are more things. I know I'm not unique in this. I know everyone is filled with thoughts. But how the fuck do people file everything away? I have this problem where I need to talk about things. When I do, the info gets sorted. Though I communicate often and freely, I think all the crap in my brain is stuff I haven't talked about, or I have, but with the wrong people. I feel like I've been forgetting something since I was seven years old. I'm on the plane and I'm about to shout "KEVIN" but right now, I don't know what it is I'm forgetting. I know it's important, like my son. It's killing me! I need to talk to someone! I bet everyone wants to talk to someone.

I would love some therapy.