Human Again (Beauty and the Beast)

Just to copy Skinny Rabbit.

I've been non human I think. The amount of bittersweet misery I've been feeling has been kind of numb. Is that possible? To be numb about such an extreme feeling? I don't know. Maybe the misery made me numb. Anyway, within Switzerland, I moved. So I don't live in a faraway random alp valley, I live in a faraway random mountain town. I live on an alp. Just for a few weeks. The point is, my access to the internet and phone and therefore communication with everyone I know except my one friend here has been painfully limited. As in non-existant. I found a hella cheap internet cafe and can communicate again.

The problem is, there are stronger blocks than the mere tangible ones. I'm extremely unable to create these days. I suppose my journal entries are okay... Well, my main problem is that I can't write a song. EG has written me 2 more I think. Qu'est-ce que fuck? I've written 2 good songs in the 7 years since I've been writing songs. No, wait, 3. But I can't play one of them to him because it's on a piano. And I don't have a piano. And I sang it for him and he got upset because it was about someone else and he said I sang it with the same face as I sing songs for him. But I tried to explain that it really was about him, I just didn't know it. It was about my last when I was realising I wanted something more.

I'm not the only one
Who wants storybook romance
I want the can't eat, can't sleep,
Shout it from rooftops
Kind of love
I am ashamed to be so common
But I can't help but wish
For a knight in shining armour.

I told him he's what I wanted and I found him. But we were cooking when he said it upset him and when I tried to explain. So I'm not sure he was comforted. I fucking LOVE that he needs to be comforted. I fucking LOVE that it upset him that I sang about someone else. One time, we were talking about exes and he said "does it bother you when I talk about other girls? Because it was really bothering me when you were talking about other guys." Taken aback, I cried "why didn't you stop me?!" and he said "Because I want to know everything about you."

...what was I talking about? I'm lost in the perfection that is my English Gentleman.

He called my cell but it was Swiss Day, August 1st, and it was literally during fireworks so I missed 3 calls. I was devastated and didn't sleep at all that night. Then he called me back the following afternoon and I was so extremely excited I almost cried. I talked so fast and with such gusto that I'm sure he fell in love with me again. Then I felt amazing and found myself impervious to the rain. I realised I was a little bit dead for a week and I felt alive again. The death slowly returns, then I get a message from him, and I wake up anew. So it goes.