Too Soon to be Such a Girl

I don't even want to write this blog. It makes me sick.

We were texting last night and it was so much fun, he was making me laugh sooooo much. I had mentioned that I was horny and he said he knew it. I had said "I can't wait to see you" a couple of times so I said "this is the part where you say how much you want to see me and why" and he said "Thanks for the cue. I can't wait to see you and there's so much I want to do with you but you know what we'd do first, why should we torture ourselves thinking about it" and I said "it's not torture! well, I guess anticipation is kind of torture" and he said "it makes me sad, in truth, alathariel" and I said "what makes you sad? anticipation? just thinking about me? should I stop texting you?" and he said "no no, that I'm not fucking around. I really do want to see you and now. still seems a long time away and I'm excited but I'm impatient." Then, as I tried to figure that out, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces and started to claw at everything it could touch inside me. I wrote "wait, what makes you sad?" and he said "...forget it. perhaps sad was the wrong term. Don't you be sad, pleeeaaase smile x." so i said "okay, sorry about your frustration or whatever. don't worry i'm smiling!" which was a lie. He replied "yeh, frustration, that's it. No more emotion from me young lady. I'm drinking now to lay the foundations for this evening. I'm in for a session methinks." to which I replied "have a good night!" to which he replied "I get the feeling that was left a bit weird? maybe I'm drunk? night night." to which I replied "you're very intuitive! nothing's wrong, all will be claire-ified another time! have fun!"

So...I just don't want to be seen as a trap. Is that so much to ask? And I'm not even asking it of him. We obviously can't discuss stuff like boundaries and blah blah blah online or via texts. But...he's a playah, he's going to the states all summer, he's in Cyprus right now...we've only spent three nights together. He can do whatever he wants. How do I tell him that and still let him know that if I find out I will cry, throw up, then throw myself off a cliff? Like I want him to know that I don't want him to sleep with anyone else, but I don't want him to want to sleep with anyone else. I want him to just want me. Obviously. But obviously, he can do whatever he wants...I can't believe he sees me as a trap already. He'll be calling me the old ball and chain before I know it. The higher you climb, the harder you fall...