Haven't Forgotten

Don't think I forgot about the other boy.


I just called him. It made me so sad. It made him so sad. It made us both very angry and upset and sad. I'd like to get out of the business of breaking peoples' hearts.


He said it wasn't all his fault. I said I never said t was (did I?). He said I was using him as a crutch in my fucked up mess of a life and I needed to learn to stand on my own and when I did that, I threw him out. That's not true. I distinctly remember trying very hard not to use him as a crutch. I remember trying to live my own life so the pressure wasn't on him. I can't think about this anymore. It's getting ridiculous.

I said we might still get back together. He said I was the kind of person to meet someone, call it "fate" and get married and that's why we probably won't get back together. That's not fair, is it? I was really insulted by that. If I'm like that, then why didn't I stay with him?? If I'm like that, why was he even bothering with someone of whom he clearly has such a low opinion?

My head hurts where the throbbing resides. My brain hurts where the confusion settles. My eyes hurt where the love comes out. My ears hurt where his sobs penetrated. My gut hurts where the punch landed. My nose hurts where the pressure reigns. My heart hurts where the dagger went in.

Until I saw him, I've been wishing I had just a shirt of his in my room so I could smell him. Well I have one now and it brings me nothing but sorrow.

And I feel all the more guilty because underneath all this, I still feel the warmth and fireworks and butterflies and sighs of my new boy.