ow.

Grumble grumble. Mmmmgroan. My head. *cough cough* ew. groan. my tummy... rrrrgh.

what the hell happened last night?

vague images of a veil...why am I dressed all in white? groan.

grumble. groan.

oh yeah. fake bachelorette party. groan.

did one of my friends hook up at least? yes...that's him in the shower. uh oh, what if he's still in there when I need the toilet? ugh. moan. toilet.

jaggermeister can kiss my ass.

groan. mmmmoan.

shut up cat.

ow. sitting up hurts.

need kd. groan.

never--and I mean it this time--ever doing that again.

Lost one too many of those brain cell things.

Ode to Skinny Rabbit

Showtime is brilliant. I love reading it. It thrills me.

His kicks are beyond incredible.

The best Hermionick we could have found. Watch him in Clairry Potter and the Goblet on Fire. Forget everyone else. He's the one who will make you laugh and cry and hurl.

My cousin.

He thinks he just can't do it alone--but he can.

He can shimmy with the best of them.

He's a pure divo.

He would make out with himself in the mirror like Sarah Silverman.

He eats pizza better than anyone I know.

He has the most amazing stuff. (including Golden Girls and the Muppet Show on DVD!)

The father of my cat.

I'm assuming he has a giant penis.

I taught him how to stage kiss--but he didn't need teaching.

He spends money like there's no tomorrow, but when the time came to step up and pay off his loan, he came through.

He thinks he can do it alone, but he gets by with a little help from his friends.

What a beautiful, talented, bright eyed, interesting, intelligent, pretty, sexual, skinny, silly, hilarious, crazy kid!

Do You Believe In Magic?

I love books. I mostly love books about books. I just started writing a book about books. and book lovers. I don't know what the plot is gonna be but it starts in a bookstore. any ideas? magical ideas? I can't write about a magical ring or sword or locket or wardrobe or flower. it's really tough to be original. how can I get them to another world in a way that's never been done before? and then I need a message. so far, it seems to be heading toward believing in magic and being a good friend. and reading.

books make me cry. they make me worry. they make me obsess. they make me shiver. they change my dreams at night and the way I view the world.

I don't like being in the audience of a theatre because I would rather be a part of the play. but being a part of the behind the scenes of a book involves writing it. I love being in the audience of a book, but it's bitter sweet because I want to be a part of the story. stories that can't happen. Do you know how many times I've tried to move things in my mind like Matilda? or looked in wardrobes? or tried to get sucked into the blank pages of a book? though I know it can't happen, it's so dissapointing when it doesn't.

I'm sure there are some things you wish were true, even if they're not as childish.

Oh well, maybe in writing a magical story about how "life isn't magical until one day..." I'll feel like it's a little more magical.

A Whole New World

Oh no! My roommate is Ariel, and I used to be Belle! (not for real like Miss Pants, just that I read and walk and...am her.) But now, with black hair, I am forced to remember my Arabic roots and be Jasmine. It's not so bad, but now I have to lose weight if I'm gonna wear her costume.

Snow White

2 things. 1) My lovah smells right now. His breath, his pits. He stinks. He's allowed to, it's morning before his shower.

2) My hair is now black. I'm very pleased with it as my transformation back into the warrior princesse I am begins. Now I just have to wait until it grows and then relearn how to fight. And float. And travel between worlds.

Stuff anyone?

I like people because of their stuff.

It sounds shallow, I know this, but "stuff" can mean so many things. For example, my fellow mermaid has a hell of a lot of stuff; she has corsets, frilly dresses, jewelry, fairies hanging from her ceiling, perfumes, a piano, nail polish, video game figurines, video games, pretty pictures, paint, games, a good printer, nice shoes, the best hair anyone will ever have, sparkly things to go in her hair, cool journals, cool pens to go with the journals, a kilt, a digeridoo, more lingerie than you can imagine, etc. I like her stuff and I like her because of her stuff. They are a window into who she is. Is that shallow? I can't tell sometimes, because I'm blinded by her stuff.

My former roommate (Neenia) does not have a lot of stuff. The stuff she has, I am obsessed with. Every simple, clean shirt she has is a wonder to me and the few pictures on her walls (her old walls) constantly amazed me. Her favourite movies (I still have Center Stage and Footloose--woops!) are often off the shelf as she or I or we are watching them all the time. Plus she has marshmallows or chocolate almonds or pita and hummus. I like her for those things. They are a part of who she is.

My oldest friend (as in I've known her the longest) is obsessed with making her own bath stuff. She has essential oils up the wazoo and a pestal and mortar with which she mixes stuff.

My brother has a super organised binder with every CD and every movie he owns. He brings it everywhere he goes.

My lovah has nice blazers that he looks good in. He has huge text books. He has Absynthe on a shelf next to a painting he is working on. He has a flask. He has an old type writer. He wants a bassoon very badly.

Gilbert's Girl has arts and crafts enough for a day care. She has a library. She has a pot of boiling water and a towl that she uses to steam her voice before she has to sing. She has a stuffed Simba. She has adorable PJ's.

My friend from the renaissance faire has a crazy buffy collection. She has fuzzy hand cuffs and a cat o' nine tails. Everything she has is green and black.

My old funny friend has a JTT lampshade. She has a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pillow case. She has Archie "Gag Bag" comics all over her wall.

If I haven't mentioned you, be sure I am in love with your stuff. Be sure I love you for your stuff. I hope that's not a bad thing.

That gets me thinking about my stuff, I have a pretty good collection, I think. I have a drum, I have 4 Superman lunchboxes and 23 Superman shirts, I have all the children's books you'll need. I have Aladdin, A Goofy Movie, The Little Mermaid and Newsies. I have a cat (he counts as stuff). I have a quill and ink. I have a book called Fairyopolis. I have the kind of candle holder you take down the hall at night in a creepy mansion and a white nightgown that goes with it. I have a magic wand. I have a lot of ribbons. I have red ballet shoes. I have scrapbooks. I have a turtle stool called Antonio Banderes. I have beautiful copies of Treasure Island and Peter Pan. I have a picture of me in an other world. I have a guitar named Cherry. I have a reversable corset. I have pirate boots. I have a small statue of a woman with hair down to her feet.

Hmm. I was going to say I wasn't happy with my stuff, that my stuff was cluttered and meaningless. But I have amazing stuff. I love me for my stuff. I am going to do my best to store it well, display it well. My stuff is a window into who I am.

Books, Dreams, Trains and Noses

Ah. I've just spent a glorious few days at my lovah's cottage. We went swimming and rowing and biking and driving and walking. I ate the most wonderful meals (his mother is a goddess in the kitchen) and saw a giant bull frog. I didn't have a book. I forgot the book I was reading (Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen) at my cousin's house. That is such a horrible thing, to lose a book. I felt like I was stripped from my world and the people I had grown used to.

I got a cd back that I had leant out and it makes me feel so comfortable.

I had a very, very scary dream involving the destruction of my workplace by a bad guy and I didn't know who was involved with him. it ended with my dad shooting strange missiles into the ground while chanting about armageddon. I don't know what that means, but it was horrible. Then, later in the morning, I dreamed that I couldn't find my place, I didn't know where I belonged in a strange school I somehow ended up in. I found my best friend who usually feels more out of place than I do and she was with a group of jazz musicians. They all looked so happy and I was so surprised to find that she found her place before I did, without even telling me or helping me. I was to take the jazz class and my best friend's group said there were no places left except one by a microphone and I had to take that one. We played "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing" and I rocked it. The director made all the other singers stop to listen to me. Because I was taking risks. That made me feel good.

My lovah wanted to go for a bike ride with his little brother but my ass was still hurting from my own horrible bike ride the day before so I stayed back. As I said, I didn't have a book, so I found some paper and a pen and I wrote for two hours. I continued a story I had going that I thought I couldn't write anymore. But once I started, it wrote itself. I just need the middle now and a hell of a lot of dialogue. I know the atmosphere of the dialogue but not what they're actually saying...oh well. It'll write itself, I hope.

Trains suck. They are too expensive and if your phone runs out of power so you can't even play blockbreaker they are boring. I did like the snack trolley. I wish it was the Hogwarts Express I was riding, instead of Via Rail. I would love to be a professor at Hogwarts. I bet I would be a great charms teacher. Does that mean I'd have to be in Ravenclaw? I always tell people that I'm in Gryffendor, but I often question my own bravery. My lovah thinks I'm brave.

My nose is stuffed up. I would be talking funny if I were talking. By dose is stuffy. that's what I'd say.

I don't want to work toborrow. I hade serving. I get to babysit dext week and for the dext 6 weeks after. thed I get to teach a 6 year old girl and a 2 year old boy how to speak English. ID SWITZERLAND!

I'b going to try to clear my dose daturally but I will probably reduce to bedical bethods like otrivib. I'b addicted to that stuff.

Good dight.

someone holds me safe and warm...

i'm typing with one hand. wanna know why? because there is a two-week-old boy in my arms. i am so happy i'm struck dumb. i only have the voice to hum "once upon a december" from anastacia. he likes that song.

this is bad. i want one and i'm ready for one. but my life isn't.

Josie and the Pussycats

Is it bad when my songs want to copy really bad chick rock?

Cheesy Good Ending

I'm drunk.

Bedroom Prince is finally back and we had a karaoke good time.

I'm the laziest person I know. There are dishes to be done, passports to get, drivers licenses to get, litters to change, laundry to be done, calls to be made, emails to be sent, songs to be written, cords to be bought, shelves to be put up, cats to be brushed...that's all I can think of right now because pizza is taking over the part of my brain that thinks.

Mmm I would like some pizza. What kind? Not Pizza Hut, too greasy. Maybe the kind from pizza pizza because I could get garlic dipping sauce. Maybe Amato's because I'd feel healthier.

There's no one home but me and the cat. Is it bad that all I wanna do is watch TV and eat pizza? I'm supposed to say "all I wanna do is have some fun" but I don't. What's wrong with me?

I guess I could go for some sex. But it would be lazy sex and there had better be some chocolate afterwards.

Why can't I just get paid millions of dollars for dressing like a pirate, looking hot, singing and gaining weight at the speed of sound?

I need to watch RENT again. I sang Out Tonight and Another Day tonight. This wanker who's a good singer who I thought was cool put my name in for Another Day. We were pretty good except I lost my voice halfway through due to some smokers just out the door. Oh well. The point is, I should listen to Mimi, not Roger. I need to do stuff that isn't watching TV. I can't say "another day."

No day but today.

Empty Head

I'm sitting at my computer with one towl around my waist and one around my head. I just had a shower, I'm about to get ready for work, I thought "I have enough time to blog a little." I have nothing to say. Nothing to think even. Know what's in my head? "D'ya ever laugh when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?!"

Oh...oh...yup, here's a thought: I wish I were a guy so I could get more parts. hmm...I should get an agent and try my luck before I make any rash decisions.

Ooooh. Here they come. The thoughts. The thoughts that haunt me every day. It's too early for my constant stomach ache!

Responsibility.

Sick.

Entertain me please! get my mind out of hell!

A Day In The Life

Um...so one of my friends is a very bad influence on me! In a very short period of time, I've bought a superman shirt, 3 peices of lingerie, earrings (with Belle on them!), another shirt, a bra, red ballet shoes (awesome) and boots. And I know there's more to be bought. I don't like shopping because I'm indecisive and broke...but I've been having too much fun. Today I bumped into baseball hottie and wanted to make out with him. He just compliments me so much! He's such an ego booster! And I don't feel bad using him to boost my ego, because everything he says is a line! Whatever. I feel fat right now. My hair is too short. But I look good in my new fairy nightgown.

I'm annoyed that I'll be in Switzerland when the first year of the new renaissance faire will be on. I'm very much looking forward to making a legendary character that will be remembered forever.

I'm horny for the stage.

I learned a Shakespeare monologue just because.

I'm gonna go listen to Avenue Q and help my roomie make a mermaid tail.

Then I'm gonna make pasta so that it'll be worth it to be fat.

Estoy Calliente

I wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt with a stranger. Hot. Flirting is hot. The chase is hot. Undressing with your eyes is hot. Lightly brushing knees is hot. Eyes locking is hot.

I wanna go to a nude beach. Wait, is it like super sexually charged there? Or is everyone desensitised? Because that would be boring. I'm in the mood to be turned on!

Crossed The Nerd Line

I just spent the day in a corset. That's always the best kind of day.

Two of my friends and I (kind of known by one person as the Rainbow Club) went into the woods in pirate garb and took pictures. We were in character the whole time. Why? Because it's awesome. I was called Lilly Lovegoode, the ship's whore, and there was also Milady Captain Eleanor and the crew assassin Olivia the Ominous. We were so amazing.

I love stories. I love acting out stories. Why is that? Can someone tell me why it thrills me so?

The story I have about the Forgotten World that will one day be a TV show sends shivers to my very core and I lose my breath just thinking about it. One day I will tell you the tragic tale of my true love, or the hilarious predicament that got a village named after me, or the loss of my dagger, or the frightening tale of a friend who saves me, or the clever man who actually managed to trick me, or the extremely impressive way I kill people, or the evil spell that cannot be lifted, or the fall of a beloved kingdom...

You'll know all these stories in time when you see them on TV. I hope they bring you at least half as much joy as they do me.

What gets you excited?

Mermaids and Point Shoes...and other pretties...

Okay. Here's the thing. I signed up for Adsense or something. You may be aware of those little ads at the top of my pretty pink blog page. 2 things, actually, about them:

1) could you please click on them no matter what they are? You don't have to look at them, just click on them, and I should get some money. Because, I don't want them there if I'm not getting paid.

2) they're taylored to my posts! Whatever I write about, they're about! How cool is that? Very cool, you say? Well, you'd be wrong. I was wrong, once. I thought it was cool, too, but it's not. They're super duper embarrassing. I said something tiny about depression, like the weather threw me into a state of depression, and the ads were about therapy and depression treatment! I'm not depressed! I felt depressed! God, everyone does! Jerks. Once it was about point shoes! That was awesome. Once it was about broadway! Sweet! So I'm going to write a lot about mermaids, and maybe they'll put an ad up for a mermaid lagoon on sale.

Mermaids are the most beautifullest creatures in the sea, nay the world. they must have long hair. Their hair does not have to match their tail, but they do have to look good together. I like mermaids with purple hair and some dark gothic-y purple ish black tails. I also like the classic green tail red hair ariel mermaids. Mermaids sing beautifully, if eerily. I particularly like the ones in Hook!

There. I hope that'll do.

So Cool

Dude. I didn't need to go to work today. I read the schedule (that I made) wrong and didn't need to go in. It's tomorrow that I work. Dude.

Oh well.

I honestly have a new outlook on life. I don't know how it happened. Sometime during my nap on the bus to see my mom, somewhere between Finch and Wellington, something clicked. I looked at my life and decided: I'm cool with it. Yup, I'm gonna do yoga in the morning, sit ups in the evening...and Arther in the afternoon...what? no. But really. I'm cool if I try to eat better, I'm cool when I get my hello kisses from my lovah, I'm cool to work to pay off my debts which gave me the wonderful experience that was theatre school, I'm cool with freaking out about going away, I'm cool with having picnics, I'm cool with watching Zoolander at 1 with my sister Mermaid, I'm cool with driving lessons I can't afford, I'm cool with mango salsa, I'm cool with blogging, I'm cool with my new cell phone, I'm cool with singing, I'm cool with the rain.

I don't think this is a "lady doth protest too much" situation, because I really feel cool. But if it is all some sort of defence mechanism, then I'm cool with that.

Glory Room

Now that my lovah has moved into the mathouse, my life is in a heightened state of disorder. I've decided to stop caring though. I'm always always always going to be flustered, discombobulated, unorganised and messy. I've just got to find my bearings within the chaos. I can do that.

I've been so absolutely lazy these past...23 years. I told my lovah I need to get out of my funk. He said I need to "do stuff" and that I think about it too much. Looking at what needed to be unpacked I freaked out. He said not to think about it and just do things that you don't like. I hate that. I'm doing my best not to think about going to work today. And finding a way to get out of work on Saturday, it's my friend's birthday. And calling Rogers. And Hydro. And the gym. And my grandma. And Royal Bank. And driver's ed. And and and.

I'm not thinking about it. I'm thinking about Richard and Kahlan finding each other again. I'm thinking about Ron and Hermione finally hooking up. I'm thinking about Switzerland. I'm thinking about Bedroom Prince finally coming home. I'm thinking about Neenia returning again. I'm thinking about Skinny Rabbit lying in my Davisville bed. I'm thinking about my lovah cooking me dinner. I'm thinking about Maureen and Joanne fighting. I'm thinking about having a million dollars. I'm thinking about my camping trip that was too short. I'm thinking about singing. I'm thinking about ...I'm losing it. Oh no! I don't want to go to work! Why? Why do I have to go serve people stupid food?

I'll do it. I'll go. I need the money, that's why!

I will be a voluntary slave for a couple more years and if I don't have enough money to survive doing what I love then...well, then, I'll just have to get a sugar daddy.

I have the glory room It's huge. My lovah and I are excited about it. One of my best friends lives just upstairs but our schedules are opposite. I'm off to work while she sleeps, and by the time I get home, she's off to work, and by the time she gets home, I'm sleeping. I should switch to nights.

Alright I actually have to work now. Mimi from the musical totally sucks compared to Mimi from the movie. I'm sorry but it's true. Usually, I'm a sucker for originals but when it comes to musicals, the film people just seem to know what they're doing more. Here are a list of movie musicals that are better than the stage versions: The Sound of Music, Grease, Hair, Rocky Horror, Annie, Rent (although, I'm sure seeing it live is amazing). I can't wait for the Hairspray movie to come out, though I'm nervous. I saw the musical twice and I love it so so much. I don't want them to change anything. they can add stuff, even remove stuff, but PLEASE don't change anything!

Okay, okay, I'm going.

I'm leaving now. My shoes are on.

...Fine. Bye.

A Mark, A Yen, A Buck Or A Pound

That clinking clanking sound!
It makes the world go 'round.

Waxing Philosophical

Oh, lovahs. What's the deal?

My lovah and I watched a stupid chick flick that made me sad. All movies make me cry no matter what. No matter how cheesy, I am completely succeptable to whatever they want me to feel. I cried like a baby at the end of Aquamarine.

Anyway, at the end of Something's Gotta Give, my lovah mistook my tears and anger at the opposite sex. He thought I was specifically sad and angry at him and he said something like "well, I just don't know now."

What?

That's not what we were talking about at all!

"...you...don't ...know...now?"

Something about he doesn't know now if I'm for sure the one. If what we have is true love. But you don't believe in true love! But I'm starting to again. But that's so much worse! But I just don't know now.

What?

So you're starting to believe that there is true love, but you don't think I'm your true love.

We came to the understanding that he believes in true love but not enough to feel it yet. He told me that, in high school, such huge concepts made him go a little crazy and he repressed all possible colossal ideas like true love, infinity, afterlife and things like that. What a loser.

Anyway. Of course, we all have doubts. And his, I am convinced, are rooted in the fact that he thinks age dictates preparedness. His mother and father, two people who are absolutely perfect for each other and in the truest of love, believe that they are only as happy together as they are because they didn't get together until they were 30. 30 is the magic number. Really? That's a little silly and specific for EVERYONE don't yout think?

And I'd be totally fine with it if I wasn't raised the exact opposite way. The way that you are to be married with at least one kid before you're 25. 25 is the magic number. Somehow, 25 is the opposite of 30. What's five years? Why can't either of us compromise our stupid teachings?

I don't even want to get married right now. I'm totally fine with our open relationship, as is he! He even said he gets really excited about having a house with me and kids and raising them with me. With our decision that we are both fine with and the fact that we both think it will be great to get married, what the hell do I care what happens in the meantime!?

I was also raised to believe that when you find the one, you know. If it's true love, it's true love! What the fuck is up with that? As much as I'd love to believe it, we're not in a fairy tale! And believe me, I want to be, that's why I'm so obsessed with true knight in shining armour romance on a brige in paris under the stars love. But that's ridiculous. I'm allowed to have doubts and when I do, my love for my lovah is not lessened. It is not less than the love of the people who claim they don't have doubts. There's some truth in "knowing when you know" and there's romance in that, but there's an equal amount of truth and romance in thinking about it, testing the waters together, exploring together, becoming best friends, doing what is right together, spending time apart, coming back together, supporting each other.

Half of me wants the kind of love where you would just die if you were separated from your lovah. The other half of me laughs at such a notion. The first half weeps constantly at the thought that my lovah might find someone with whom true love sparks, the other half is certain it will be with me when he opens that part of him again. Yet another half thinks it is all trivial bullshit and we will agree that it is trivial bullshit and stay together because we have fun.

I think that's what it boils down to. Fun.

That has to be what it's all about. And in that case, I am as rich as can be.

...But of course there's the half that really wants a partner. And then the other half tells me I have one.

Girls have serious issues--and I know this is going through girls' minds everywhere.

Having said all that in blog form, I look over at my lovah, and he smiles such a sweet, simple smile that my eyes flood.

We'll see.

My hair looks pretty.

I'm about to go to Lazer Quest with my cousins who I haven't seen in a while which is totally exciting! Woo hoo!

I just had sex with my lovah and it was totally great! So great. Every time we have sex, it's better than the last! But I feel a little insecure. I have cellulite on my tummy. It sucks. But I owe the gym much more money than I have so I can't go there...so I have to do sit ups myself.

I'm kinda wishing my lovah was more romantic, but as baseball hottie said when I was being particularly girly: "don't; you're too pretty."

Which makes me want to mind fuck other people.

One of my new Penn Renn Friends seems to have a crush on me. Or at least he seemed to. In fact, we had a little something something playing chicken and he said some really dirty things via text messages which kinda turned me on. I didn't really care for him much except as a friend (very much as a friend) and he started to creep me out in the sexual category. Then he found someone else there and seems to really like her. Like, they might do the long distance thing. But--and this is what makes me a bitch--I really liked being liked, even if he couldn't have me. I'm pissed off that he found someone else. Like he LIKED me. He told me! I miss the looks and the poems (you can get away with cheesy poems at a renaissance faire) and the CONSTANT COMPLIMENTS.

There was someone else who complimented me a lot. The guy who played the Sheriff, with whom my character was in love. IHis character was supposed to not like me and not notice that I liked him. It's weird what acting can do to you. I spent seven weekends chasing this guy who, in reality, I'm not attracted to AT ALL! And I still have the urgent NEED for him to notice me! I miss the compliments I got out of character and the usual eventual fulfillment I got at the end of the day in character. He proposed to me twice, and we hooked up 3 times and I kissed him a couple of times, too! It was so much fun. And in real life, he felt the need to tell me how hard it is for him to not notice me all day because I'm so hot and my body type is his favourite, and I'm so pretty and so sweet...

My lovah loves me. But he's no actor. He's not a theatre person at all. He'll never show me the way I want him to show me. Plus, you know, he has me! What does he have to do? I love him just the way he is, and I'll never love anyone like I love him. I've just been spoiled recently, I'm used to being hit on.

Aww, he's playing piano again. Oh man, it's so beautiful.

That's love and romance enough for me.

I'm just a needy, spoiled, self-conscious, confused, hormonal, scared, slightly manic depressive, girly girl.

I've been blog/journal happy these days.
I love writing and reading!

Can someone buy me Phantom by Terry Goodkind?? I want it!!

Also, the Tin Princess by Philip Pullman.

Also, if you haven't read His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman, there's something seriously wrong with you. read it now. the first one is called "the Golden Compass."

Gonna go kick some Lazer ass!

mmm mmm morning

My lovah's brand new much awaited piano just arrived. He's pounding away on the keys. I had to record it on my phone. He's so happy and it's so soothing!

I feel great because he feels great.

I made him play Debussy's Claire De Lune first. I'm gonna play chopsticks once he's gone!

I love my lovah in the morning.

Bi-Polar Again

Helping the kids out of their coats
But wait the babies haven't been born
Unpacking the bags and setting up
And planting lilacs and buttercups

But in the meantime I've got it hard
Second floor living without a yard
It may be years until the day
My dreams will match up with my pay
--Feist


I'm watching Home Improvement right now. Is it wrong that I still think Randy Taylor aka JTT is super duper hot and I wanna be on the show?

I'm not very happy. The fact that the world seems to value only money makes me less than worthless. That doesn't feel good.

My lovah's parents say that my ability to smile in the face of such hardship is a good quality. They also say it's a bit manic depressive. I don't think they're right on either account. I think I'm not manic depressive and I think that it's unhealthy to be happy when I'm not happy. Especially because it's my fault I'm unhappy. It's my fault I didn't live with my mom for a year after school to pay off my debt. It's my fault I didn't work for a year before school to save up for it. There are a lot of should haves.

On the other hand, I don't value money as much as the world seems to. I don't care for it at all. So that's why I usually find myself happy when I am so in debt. I do find myself happy, don't I? Alright. I have plenty of things in my life that I happen to love more than I'll ever like money.

Manic enough?

It doesn't matter though, I'm going to Switzerland for a whole year and I'll be making money without spending any. Except, of course, to buy a quill and ink and stationery with witch to stay in touch with loved ones.

In other news, a bunch of renn friends went to karaoke a couple days ago when I was working. Baseball Hottie brought his "girlfriend." That's in quotes because I think it's lame when someone becomes your "girlfriend" just because you ask them. I kind of expected it because Whore (aka his best girl friend) mentioned something about him mentioning something about having a "girlfriend as of monday." Why are boys losers? Anyway, she was the most boring looking person ever. I'm horrible. I shouldn't even care. I just want the things he said to have been true. And I want to be hotter than some random chick I don't know who's having my mediocre sex.

What a whiny boring blog.

Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaaaal!

There. Entertainment. That's what I do/like best.

I might get to be a nanny here from now until I leave! That would be awesome. It would be for a one year old girl which is so cool!

I can't wait til I have a little girl. Well, I can wait, I have to, but when I do, it'll be spectacular! She'll be spectacular! My little Beatrice... or another name...

My lovah and I are hanging out tonight. I should be counting the minutes we have together.

I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done
--Feist

sad sad day

what do you do when you can't help the one you love?

when you can't help anyone? not even yourself?

The Very Last Adpennture/Mixed-up Hot Thought

I slept the whole way there. the front desk didn't have a room key waiting for me. there were giant spiders all over the outdoor hallway. my roommates didn't answer the door. Baseball Hottie's best girl-friend called up to me in her nightgown. she said I could sleep where her sex buddy should have been sleeping. unfortunately, that was where Baseball Hottie was sleeping! I had sworn outright that I would not spend the night in elbowland anymore but she said: "if you love me, you'll let me have my sex tonight!" so I knocked on that door. luckily, there was another girl in there who is hilarious and was sleeping and drunk. she yelled at me for interrupting their sleep as did Baseball Hottie. she screamed "you're not sleeping in this bed!" so I yelled "fine!" a la skinny-rabbit and slumped into Baseball Hottie's bed with my clothes on. He was like "uh...hi?" and I was like "keep that elbow away from me!" and he was like "what...hi?" and I finally let him rub my tummy a bit as I told him he was very cold last week and I was very hurt. he said "I was really preoccupied" I knew it was with the fact that his best girlfriend and his best guy friend were sleeping together, so I gave him a break. "I'm sorry," I said. "no wait a minute, YOU're sorry!" and he laughed and said "I'm sorry." then, the sleeping drunk chick woke up and said "I'm still drunk!" and jumped on us and started biting us. it was absolute hilarity. I died laughing at her antics. she and baseball hottie did some bits. I died again. I had a lovely slightly cuddly sleep.

My second last day of acting was super duper fun. My character used a love potion that backfired and the mudboys ended up loving me instead of the Sherrif. she whined a lot.

that night I went skinny dipping in a BEEEEEautiful river with willow trees, fire flies and stars all around me. Me and Baseball Hotties best girl friend (who I will now call...Whore, as that is her nick name!) snuggled with the hottest guy at the faire, the belly dancing henna artist. He was so gorgeous in the starlit water. we flanked him like the hot mermaids we were. He was cold and we kept him warm. It was so lovely.

the last day of acting was amazing. I had lost a wager (on whether or not I would sleep in Baseball Hottie's bed or not) and I had to declare my love publicly for the sherrif with a kiss. I did so and it was hilarious. We had a crazy pub sing that night including 3 proposals a forced marriage, a spanking and a poem. Everyone exchanged emails and promises and hugs and kisses.

I stayed one more night for pizza and a movie and had olive garden today for lunch with a strawberry daquiri, many inside jokes and a really good server. a fun, sleepy, musical filled car ride home and my lovah and kitty greet me with kisses.

******

I just read everyone's blogs and miss you all so so so so so much. soon I will be away. away from realities I hate but away from ones I love so much. away from what I'm used to, what I know so well.

I had a dream that I was in a cruel training building where I had to be cold and heartless and get beaten up a lot to become a warrior. I think that means I should be a little more ruthless with myself and less lenient with myself when it comes to my body and health. it's important that I become a warrior.

People (at Penn Renn anyway) think I am so hot and tell me constantly. If I truly get the body that I want, and the strength and endurance of the warrior I am inside, I will be unstoppable. that's what I want. unaverage unstoppableness!

I cannot wait until my vacation camping with my family! I neeeeeeeed my family so much right now! I need my other families too, but this one is my childhood family, they are my roots and I need to return to them at this juncture. One big bang before I go for a very long time.

I want a giant party with everyone I know. but everything costs money. I hate when I feel like the world thinks money equals worth. Because when that's the case, I am so much less than worthless. I'm a vampire. the world would be better off without me. why do certain people insist on making me feel that way?

the pirate festival will be so amazing.

I will be so amazing.

You are so amazing.

Just Another Manic...Friday

What an odd start to my day. My "Aaaaooooouuuuuuuuuuuut tonight" alarm went off on my phone and then I started dreaming. I dreamed that I was babysitting and the little girl wanted to play down the street with her friend. I followed them down my old street and realised I was in South Park. Everyone was playing this weird game involving some instrument that looked like a quarter staff mixed with devil sticks. I won some sort of mini game and so this teenage guy was like "wanna go practice alone?" at which point all the other South Parkers went "ooooohh...!"
and I was like "no, I"m babysitting" and then the dad of the little girl, who happened to be in the strange scrimmage said "no, that's okay, you go ahead." but the dude was taking me into this weird building and it was dark out and I was getting nervous. Then this other dude with dreads came out of a video store next door and in my dream I recognised him as someone who was safe so I made him come with us. Then we all went into this weird auditorium with a mini pool on the stage. I think the devil staff battles ususally happened in the water. Then the gross teenage dude made his move and said something about me being slutty. Then, when I turned to safe dreads guy, he said something similar! That's when my lovah turned in bed and I elbowed him in self defence. Then I went back to my dream and kicked both dudes' asses for making me hurt my lovah.

Then, when I signed on to msn this morning and started talking to Bedroom Prince, I noticed my name was Skinny-Rabbit's name!!! WTF?!? So I changed my name back, asked Bedroom Prince "isn't that weird" and he said my name had always been Pirate Princesse! So it was maybe in my imagination?? I'm so confused. Now I'm listening to RENT and it's making me depressed that my rent bounced. they keep rubbing it in! "rent rent rent rent rent! Everything is RENT!"

Oh! I just remembered a dream from earlier this morning! I'm supposed to TA a shakespeare class today and I think I'm nervous about it. In my dream, I was being taught by Darlene and she was pissed because I didn't do my homework...but I don't have to do homework for this class, right? I should be fine! The panic recedes.

Now my head hurts because it's still full of sleep. And I have a beautiful lovah in my bed who's too hot to snuggle. Hot as in the weather. No one is too hot as in good looking to snuggle.

Except Johnny. Mmmmm...I can't stop thinking about Captain Jack Sparrow. There is going to be a Pirate Festival for three weekends in August. I'm not in it but I'm definately going as many times as possible. I've made myself a pirate costume and I couldn't be more excited. I put it on last night and "arr"d around the house in it last night and was speaking in accent to my sleeping lovah and my cat. My lovah always seems to be sleeping, doesn't he? Well, he did things to me afterwards that would have made any Pirate Princesse blush.

I need to get my drivers' license so so badly. My lovah has given me the money to do so, but I need that money for rent. So I haven't cashed the cheque yet. I don't know what to do. I REALLY need money! Whatever. I'm gonna go take a bath and paint my toenails and brush up my Shakespeare then pack for the weekend.

By the by, this weekend will contain much fun, none of which with Baseball Hottie. Unless, of course, he recognises his crime, apologises profusely, loses a game of devil staff and begs me for my presence.

Otherwise, I'll be making out with girls again and that satisfies me knowing what's waiting for me at home!

love/hate

So, I love Futurama, I hate work.

I love my lovah, I hate my messy house.

I love summer, I hate the TTC.

I love anticipation, I hate suspence (but I love it!).

I love Johnny Depp, I hate Keira Knightly (somebody rape and pillage her please).

I love my nightgown, I hate laundry.

I love candles, I hate noise.

I love my kitty, I hate his litter.

I love my mommy, I hate following orders.

I love languages, I hate barriers.

I love broadway, I hate poverty.

I love ability, I hate responsibility.

I love pasta, I hate my thighs.

I love acting, I hate politics.

I love opportunity, I hate making decisions.

I love generosity, I hate when people have power highs.

I love Family Guy, I hate King of the Hill.

I love travel, I hate leg cramps.

I love hope, I hate dissapointment.

I love jokes, I hate boredom.

I love slacking, I hate slackers.

I love costumes, I hate paying rent.

I love sex, I hate not having a private jet.

Fucking Boys

If you shower with your boyfriend, your breasts will be so clean, so clean! I mean shiny.
--Sarah Silverman

So here is the latest (penultimate, in fact) installment of my penn renn advenntures:

I daydreamed myself into real dreamhood about hot, sexual excursions with hottie baseball knight all the way to Pennsylvania.

After we checked in to the hotel, I bounced around the halls looking for him and everyone else, all my pent up energy exploding in giggles and frolicking. I found out a bunch of the early birds had gone to see pirates 2 without the rest of us. I was shocked and appalled at their exclusive behaviour as was my pretend sister who swore loudly at them upon their arrival.

So hottie baseball knight interrupted a conversation I was having with his best girlfriend and said "Alathariel, can I volunteer you?" and held up a bottle of aloe. He had the sunburn from hell. It was a hell burn.

I aloed him up and gave him a few "hi" kisses when his buddy came in asking about his stupid laptop and hardwaresoftwarevideogamemousecursorguitar. So I left and put my pj's on...pj's being a hot lingerie nightgown...

As we (all three of us) were getting sleepy watching Chris Farley's biography, the very kind third wheel said "I'm gonna go get some cash from the ATM and a snack." And he left.

So, obviously, we started making out. Just started. Not one minute into it, he asks if I want him to fuck me. And just for the record, he'd only be fucking me if he were on top or in any position other than on his back--he wasn't on top, I was. So not five minutes into me fucking him, he's ready to finish. And I had just found out how bigger could potentially be used as better! Done like dinner. He makes a joke about the very kind third wheel and turns the volume back up on Chris Farley. Goodnight?

I didn't realise that guys were really like that! Man am I spoiled with my lovah!

The next morning, my roommate (who I don't actually share a room with) found 12 dollars under her bed just as hottie baseball knight walked in and he said: "sweet, that's better than sex!" and she said "who have you been sleeping with?" and he said "absofuckinglutely nobody, that's the problem! That's why it's better than sex!" Knife to the back, thank you very much! Now, I know we shouldn't just talk about it with everyone, but we are officially the worst kept secret in Renaissance Faire history! I think the only person who doesn't know that is him!

That day, I found out that he had gotten in a fight with his best girlfriend the day before. There is something between them that is too complicated to get into, but the point is, he was using me for spite! Now, it was understood that we were using each other, but for fun, not for spite or vengence!

So the next night, he had injured himself somehow in the day and was acting like a big baby. I did sleep next to him, but he elbowed me all night (by accident--or so he says) and we lay as far apart as possible in the same bed. Shitty shitty cold cold night. And a great day friend- and faire-wise but shitty and cold for baseball knights.

So I decided I will no longer let him have the goods. He was lying when he said he liked me alot (his spelling, not mine) and I haven't had any proper excitement with him for weeks. He used to make me shiver all over! Now he bores and upsets me.

I got home to my lovah this morning. I remembered that I reward good boyfriendship with almost unlimited access to my breasts and my lovah was redeeming that reward with relish. Man that gets boring sometimes. After wearing really tight corsets for long enough, you lose proper feeling in them anyway. So just as I was thinking that all boys must be jerks, he moved down and gave me the best orgasm I've had in a really long time. The release was so amazing, the feeling so cathartic, that I cried. That never happened before. I didn't want him to see that I was crying because, though it was about a lot of things, mostly money, I was also crying about the coldness of the coldie baseball knight. Then, while I showered, I sang Wicked really hard and cried a little more. Now I've had chinese food and I feel better.

I'm gonna listen to some (secret pop) music and reread all of your blogs. Then I'll go to my fellow mermaid's house and do arts and crafts.

I can't wait to read more about your adventures as they are a part of mine!

Pretty baby with the high heels on!

Allllllright, I'm jumping on the bandwagon and blogging about songs that make you feel goooooood!

The Way You Make Me Feel! Yes, man. Y-E-S!

That song always made me feel grrrrrreat but then Center Stage came out and now it makes me feel super duper sex awesome hot sexual sweet majestic sweaty grrrrrrrreat!

I danced around my apartment while waiting for the pizza to arrive wearing my green dress and my red heels. (not the pizza, me! though that thought is hilarious!)

Speaking of Center Stage, can I be in Center Stage? Oh! That reminds me, I have to get the Jamiroquai song from the end!

Oh! That reminds me, can I be in the dance in the Jamiroquai song from the end of Center Stage? Can I be Jodie Sawyer? That's what I wanna be when I grow up. Anything wearing red pointe shoes.

Did you know that some people don't appreciate the awesomeness that is red pointe shoes? Pointe doesn't appeal to some people! To those people, you know where you can lick and how many times.

I would love love love to be a ballerina. It's definately my number one fantasy wish.

Well, if we're wishing for number one fantasy wishes, then I'd want to be a powerfully magical, cunning, clever, beautiful fairy princess from an other world who controls the air, can fight with a sword, dagger and bow and arrow, whose voice makes people do her bidding, who can fly at any speed, can breathe underwater, has floor length black hair and a million pretty dresses, warrior outfits, accesories, and a theatre called Bottom's Dream in which she performs all sorts of performances, including...ballet...in red pointe shoes. And purple pointe shoes sometimes. And maybe black! oooh, black would be cool for dark gothic shows!...mmm I'm drooling just thinking about it!

Let's put on a ballet in which I can be my fantasy self.
What are your fantasy selves and can they be in our gothic ballet?

yearning for witty banter!

So last Tuesday at Karaoke, my lovah didn't go...but my renn friends did. Including hottie baseball knight.

I got very drunk very fast. I rocked "Out Tonight" so much, you all wish you were there. Seriously, hottest I've ever been. And I looked the hottest I've ever looked!

I don't think he was very clear about my situation. But he is now. I think. Either way, he has a nice ass and I'm having fun.

He wasn't at the faire this weekend though. No booty for me.

But just when I thought he was getting cold again, he wrote me an email just to say hi. Really, it said: "just wanted to say hi."

so I wrote "hi back" but my subject was "boys are weird" because they are.

and he wrote back "how was your weekend?"

and I wrote back "good. yours?"

and he wrote back "I'm in a weird funk that I can't shake"

and I wrote "does it help to know that when my msn thingie pops up and tells me I have an email from Hottie Baseball Knight I get really excited and I stop writing my blog to read it? Don't be sad!"

and he wrote "I just wanna go on vacation and do nothing"

and I wrote "so go on vacation and do nothing" getting bored? me, too. Where are my sexy emails??

and he wrote "I am, I'm just gonna sit by the pool and tan from head to foot and do absolutely sweet fuck all!"

and I wrote "mmmm...too early to think of you tanned from head to foot!" it starts

Now I'm just waiting for the next one...

Okay, he just wrote "ooohh no it's not" qu'est-ce que fuck? why are boys so dumb?

And I wrote "fine, then I'll let you know I'm at my computer wearing nothing but my glasses" I rock, I play!

Now I'm waiting again.

Oh man, he just wrote "NICE!!" Boringest emailer ever! I need a new one with half a brain. But ones with brains don't usually have hot asses, so I'll stick with this one.

What should I write back? He's blocking like in improv! the problem is, he's an amazing improviser! What an idiot.

Okay, I wrote "yes, I am. But now I'm eating peanut butter so the image is shattered with you going to the hospital. So just imagine me eating strawberries with chocolate sauce and whipped cream." allergic to pb, in case you didn't catch that. see? it couldn't work! we're meant to be (fuck) friends!

If he hasn't written anything good by the time I finish my sandwich, I'll end this post and let you create your own sexy ending.

...

motherfucker!

Okay, make it up yourself. tell me what you come up with!

The Mermaids - Radiant in Ribbons

I luh music.

I luh messing about with it, mixing different styles, altering my voice for different sounds, hitting things and hearing the effect.

My buddy and I wrote an album yesterday. We're awesome.

Know what's better than working in a restaurant? Writing an album.

side note: my lovah's alarm has been going off for five minutes now. Should I do something about it?

We recorded our progress, so we have a cd. It's not good quality, it's just there for us to work off of. We wrote like 7 songs yesterday! Seriously, we're geniuses!

okay, asshole, wake up! how can you not hear that??

Here are some of our song titles: Scientist Man, Missing You, She Sucks I Rock, Slow/Fast, Salalalalong, You're Fat, Boy Ballad and Fucking Boys. Still to come are Chocolate, Sleepover and Hippie Picnic. I can't wait!!!

oh my god!!! it's been seven minutes! Do you know anyone else who can sleep through high pitched beeping? It sounds like world war three!!

At the rate we're going, you'll be able to buy The Mermaids' first album "Radiant in Ribbons" in about two weeks. But I'll give them to you guys for free!

okay, now it is world war three. You're dead, deaf man!

Not a grown up

I can't do anything right.

I lose things, I'm messy, I'm lazy, I lie.
I'm irresponsible.

I can't harness the Force or God or whatever Magic I need to help me do things right.

I feel like a joke of a human being. No, a joke of an adult.

No one can rely on me, everyone keeps expecting me to fuck up and with reason! It's what I do.

I'm not going to grow up. I'm a horrible, aging Peter Pan without the skills.

I would like to apologise to everyone for all of the stupid things I've done, am doing and will do that cause you hurt or harm. I see now that I can't help it and it would be best to expect it always so you are not further dissapointed.

Make Me a Gilmore Girl

Why can't I be more like Lorelai? I mean, I kind of already am a little like her, but I want to be her.

I can't stand watching the show because it just hurts that I'm not her.

I think she's how I see myself in like 7 years. That's what 30 year olds are like. And we know how I always want to be ahead of the game. My 30's woman hotness is on it's way, I shouldn't rush it.

Especially not when I'm constantly worried about wasting my youth. I need to lose weight so I can have guys pick me up on the beach and throw me into the ocean (my example of an early 20's girl).

Maybe if I have a cup of coffee, I'll be more like Lorelai. My cell phone rings in annoying places. I rock jeans. My cousin is a lot like Suki. But I don't have a "Luke's" or a daughter or a car or an inn or rich parents or a suit.

Oh well. I like singing and she doesn't seem to sing.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH! They just told me that stupid Miss Match will be replacing Gilmore Girls every night at 5 on W! Qu'est-ce que fuck?? What am I gonna do?

My second flower part 3

Okay, so i had sex with someone else. I'm allowed. I don't feel guilty anymore.

Mainly because now I've had sex with my lovah again, and it was way better and more awesome and I feel more like myself again.

Let's see, where did I leave off? Right, hottie baseball knight was being all weird. But at the end of Saturday night's dinner (at the Olive Garden, best ever but I wasn't feeling well) he gave me a hug and a smile and said he was cool with hanging out with me later. Then I passed out in my own bed with a girl. haha. She said I was great. He was supposed to come up and knock on my hotel door so we could hang out. But he didn't.

So then, the next day, close to tears, I told his best girl friend (who, by the way, is the coolest and I love her so much! She has her own drama that we've been gossipping about at the same time as my drama) that I felt silly and stupid. she said not to and that she thinks that he is just realising that he can't have me. So I kinda felt better, even though I think that is silly, as I knew he's not looking for a relationship.

anyway, what I don't get is how I can have a crush on someone else. It's a little weirder to call it a crush when I've already had sex with him...

So that is the story of the loss of my second flower.

My second flower part 2

So the details.

The entire cast was sitting around the girlie's shitty hotel room, me and hottie baseball player in the small section towards the door. Everyone was bitching, he was bitching the most, the loudest, the angriest. Finally there was a lull on our side of the room, and I mumbled "do you know how rare it is that your room is empty?" And he said "good point."

He descreetly asked for the time and said "I'm going to bed." And I said "yeah, me too," a lot less discreetly. I'm an idiot. Note to you, don't trust me with stuff like that. Anyway, I went to his room, we started kissing, same as last week, same as the week before, except that no one was in the room...so there were no restrictions.

Very, very suddenly, it was happening. It was good (by the by, the problem of "more" was no problem. Turns out it's the same!) and fun. But, of course, being a girl, I got a little nervous...in the middle of it. Well, I didn't have time beforehand! So he said "are you okay" and I said "I'm just a little nervous...I've only done this with one other person and I'm just...worried..." blah blah blah... Then he kissed me harder but sweeter...but said nothing! Why didn't he say anything? The biggest appeal about him (other than his ass) is that he talked and stuff! That was always the fun part of the secret, quiet making out! So he said nothing, leaving me much more nervous. But whatever. I'm pretty sure I was awesome, and that is the most important thing!

It was fun. It was good. It was great. It's better with my lovah, but I don't regret what I did. (another by the by: bigger isn't better! Even my lovah thinks I'd have more fun with someone bigger, it's not true!)


So then, the next day, I felt very ignored. I felt ridiculous. Everything changed.

K I feel guilty and my lovah's home more later.

My second flower part 1

At the beginning of fourth weekend in Pennsylvania, I was planning on continuing to make out with hottie baseball knight. I had thought about sex, but I decided there will be plenty of time to do that in Switzerland with non-cast member boys. So I get to my ride at the very first day of horny week (my pill makes me a slave to hormones!) and decide to play chicken with the other night. Well he was the only one who could reach, so he won...or I did. I don't know. Either way, I'm a slut.

Then I finally get there, worked up into a frenzy, and hottie baseball knight is in a horrible mood! The hotel gave away our rooms because there was a Garfield convention--for serious, and it was Christmas themed...isn't Garfield themed enough? So all of our rooms were spread about the whole hotel and the smokers got non smoking rooms...it was really annoying, but hottie baseball knight was the most annoyed. Really pissed and moody. That is when I realised that he is the kinda guy who makes the sun shine when he smiles at you and makes it rain when he looks away. Great. I didn't need that!

Now when I got over the initial shock of seeing him upset, I realised that he was uber hot when he was angry. My condition got worse!

I talked to his best girl friend who rode up with him and told her I'd cheer him up. She said "alright, but just so you know, he's looking to get laid!"

...And he did...more details later, I'm babysitting! This is very bad form!

Let's Hear It For The Boy!

Dancingantsinmypants gave me the idea to say I love my lovah. Oh I do.

I made a list when I was little: Everything I want in a guy. This list included:

*Intelligent
*Non-smoker
*Makes me laugh
*Gets excited when I'm excited
*Cooks
*Is not a suit
*Looks good in a suit
*Loves his and my family

Things like that.

Now, my lovah has all of those qualities, but I overlooked a very important one. I didn't have "I make him laugh."

And I do.

And now, that's one of my favourite things about him! I LOVE making him laugh! his eyes get all cute when he laughs and then he hugs me. nothing is better than that.

Tall, blond, skinny, sexy. Can't help lovin' that man of mine.

Sex, lies and blog

Yikes! My cousin wants to read my blog. Should I let my family see this side of me? Well...I guess the only thing I'm worried about is the me having an open relationship and making out with hottie baseball player thing...But I don't care so she shouldn't, right? I don't judge her! Who is she to judge?!

(Side note: I met with the father of my Swiss charge again and again, he is the cutest man ever. He's so awesome! He wants me to send him a cd of me singing so he can find a band for me!!! OH, the point: he said he didn't have many questions for me because he goes with his gut and he DOESN'T JUDGE. I love people who don't judge.)

I'm having an artsmonkey moment; should I censor myself? For what? I don't really want/need to have secrets. I mean, this cousin won't mind at all. But what if she tells other family members. I know my mom wouldn't understand, I showed her a picture of hottie baseball player on my phone and when she said "he's cute" I said "I know" and she said "Claaaaaaaire!" and I was like "yo, bitch, get out ma face!" But really I was like "what? we're just friends!" Like I'm not allowed to think another guy is cute and take pictures of his ass. You can't tell me what to do, you're not the boss of me anymore! I'm having cookies before dinner!

And it's not like I'd be ashamed if my whole fam damily knew stuff about me, I just don't really want to have any stupid talks about it. I loathe serious talks. Except when they're on stage. And even then, I insist on laughing.

Oh well, Welcome [insert my cousin's blog name here] to the blog world and enjoy every detail of your cousin's life! Just don't tell ANYONE! Maybe I'll get to learn some things about you, too!

PS Congratulations to those bloggers who don't think twice before divulging all of your secrets!

Cry If I Want To Part 2/Baby Got Back

My family isn't throwing me a birthday! Just because I'm busy on the weekends and they are busy during the week. I cried when my mom told me that!

Qu'est-ce que fuck?! I really wanted a party! I can't afford cake whenever I want! I can't afford snacks! I can't afford the company of my family all the time! And I certainly can't afford pretty fairy hair ties, which is really all I wanted as presents.

humph.

In other news, hottie baseball player has caught me in a trap. He is the sweetest thing by night and totally aloof by knight (he plays a knight). Now I'm a little too interested.

At the end of yesterday, he took off most of his costume so he was just wearing his black velvet tights and knee high boots. Oh man. I stared so shamelessly. He noticed, but I notice when he stares at my boobs! Now he knows how it feels! ...kinda nice...but kinda creepy! But nice.

I need advice from Bedroom Prince on certain aspects of equipment that I'm not familiar with...it involves having more than I'm used to. Not more size, necessarily...but just more...you know?

There is so much to learn!

lost ring cat scratch no la vie boheme blues

Okay, first of all, in real player, my "rent mix" (a playlist that consists of my favourites from both the show and the movie) is for some stupid reason not working! Everything else is! I really wanna get ready to out tonight today!

Secondly, my cat had a hissy fit (literally, he was hissing like crazy) last night and scratched me a lot on my hands and wrists! I mean, yeah I look more like a warrior, but a lot less like a sane person...usually the look I'm going for.

I lost the ring that hottie baseball player gave me. That's not nice! I have to buy a new one when I get there just so I don't offend him. I suck!

There are almost done banannas in the kitchen that I WANT to eat! I really do! I just don't want to...

I get to play with a baby today! Hopefully, she'll remind me why I SHOULD NOT have a baby right now. Probably, she will make me want to have a baby right now.

There's this girl on msn whose name is "life is always waiting for you to live it!" Where does she get off?

I didn't get fired. I didn't get another job! Not cool.

I have pizza pockets in the oven! Woo hoo! Pizza for breakfast! Life is good!

I miss my friends. I had dinner with an old friend. We ended (as in divorced) a couple of years ago and it was awful. Very bad break up. Our dinner was light and casual and fun. And now, apparantly we're friends again. I need my other friends, the ones I've gotten close to in the past two years and the ones I loved in school, to help me stay me! where are you?

My lovah told me that I have beautiful eyes last night. And that I have great eyes. I think he rarely compliments me so that when he does, I have a tiny orgasm.

I want to write something. Almost only for the purpose of surprising people. Most people who know me don't think I write. They're right, but wouldn't it be cool if I did? However, if I had a writer friend who put out a cd or something, I'd be pretty pissed.

I just showered and my feet are still dirty. That means it's SUMMER!

I fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up with a broken arm. Well, that's what it felt like!

I'm starting to doubt weather Snape is good...I mean, he did kill Dumbledore...

I have a cavity and there's nothing I can do about it. Because sitting on your ass does not have a dental plan.

I don't have shoes again for the faire this weekend. I have to buy some today...for...2 dollars? I have a fan though! no face sweat for me!

If one more person tells me I'm sunburnt, I'll scream!

The way I'm sitting at my computer makes me look like a big ball of fat rolls! when I sit up, I look like a goddess!

There. My head is completely empty.

burn

Ow. The sun hates me.

Holy crap. I totally got some Penn Renn action.

Making out with hottie baseball player was super duper fun.

This is a guy who I thought hated me all last summer. I thought he was so indifferent this summer...and turns out he likes me. He thinks I'm beautiful and...now he bought me a ring from the faire. great.

um, am I a bitch? I just wanted to make out! He knows that no one can replace my lovah! No one ever! Meh...does this mean I have to not make out with him next weekend? he's ruining my perfect situation with feelings! What is he, a woman?

In other news, I'm pretty close to being fired. I don't know why my boss has held on to me this long, I really deserve to be fired. I'm sun struck from the weekend...but really I just have to be at a school today because it is the play Annie! I didn't tell him that, I told him I have heat stroke.

I'm gonna get a doctors note to prove it! But that's just for the principal...maybe I should make it obvious that I'm lying so I can really really get fired. I found a new nannying job, but someone just quit at the restaurant and I don't want to leave them hanging...but hanging I shall have to leave them if I don't find anyone else...

I am a bitch. Usually I care more about others, I swear.

Okay, I have to go get completely ready for Annie...I have no props or costumes prepared. somebody kill me.

Cry if I Want To

That's right. It's my birthday.

I'm 23 years old...and exactly where I should be.

before you read this, I'd like you to know that I'm in a wonderful mood (with a slight hangover). I don't feel like crying at all!

Now...Exactly where I should be. I've always known my place. Inately that is. I never put myself in my place, I just exist there. For example, this girl told me I was square when I was 11. I was asking her to hook me up with a guy and she was saying that he would want to do more than just kiss. A lot more. And I just thought, I'm not square, I'm eleven!

These were the goals I made two years ago for my 23rd birthday:

-I must have a computer (check!)
-I must have had at least three paying gigs (just started my third!)
-I must have a paying gig lined up (well, I have one for september...I just might not be able to do it)
-I must be with the man I will marry (stupid goal, but I acheived it nonetheless)
-I must be able to pay $750 rent by myself (wow. okay, well I could work like a motherfucker. I could work harder at being a server and take more shifts, but I choose not to. Good choice, eh?)


I think there was one about travelling...but I'm doing that in the fall in abundance. so I'm cool with that.

My ultimate goal is to be AHEAD OF THE GAME. Not because I'm hard on myself, but because I'm greedy and selfish. I want a lot of stuff and I want it now!

I'm so boring being exactly where I should be. Why am I not immortal? Or worshipped? Or at the very least, rich and famous?! I'm a normal, struggling, in love, on-my-way 23 year old!
BORING!

I need to publish a book right now, get a great gig right now, get married right now, start a charity right now, open a theatre right now and create a tv show right now!

At least, and I really believe this, I far surpass everyone in friendship. Not that I'm a superior friend, oh not by any means. But for some awesome reason, I have the most superior friends ever! I miss and love everyone so much! There are so many of you! And so close (to my heart)!

Happy Birthday to me!

Satisfaction

Ahh.

Got some.

Who am I, Charlie Brown?/Torture

Sometimes, I feel like the smartest person in the world. I have it all figured out. I know the answer to everything.

But usually, I feel stupid. I feel uneducated, unitelligent...unsmart. I don't have good ideas, and when I do, I can't express them right. or well. or at all.

I can't write. My sentence pulling together skills are crap. I'm not clever. I'm not witty. I'm not unique or original.

I don't get politics or world issues or science or math or evolution or why the sky is blue or how to budjet or big words...

After reading my circle of blogs, I kind of felt like the dumbest among them. (They're quoting Sartre and referring to Simone de Bauvoir...who by the way I knew were lovahs!)

Okay, I know I'm not stupid. But I feel very inadequate in many areas of my life. The smartest thing I've done, though, is made friends with smart people! I love my intelligent, witty, clever, funny, punny, educated friends. And I live with the smartest person I know!

***

I have a very different idea to post.

I am sexually charged. Unfortunately, it wasn't because of my lovah!

I have a gig in Pennsylvania on the weekends with a group of people who are...well, actors. Naturally, a big group of rennies (Renaissance Faire people) stuck in a hotel on a rainy weekend is bound to end up in some form of an orgy. Ours was a massage orgy (not the best kind, but a good kind nonetheless).

Now, one of this group is a baseball player.

Mmmm.

Sorry, drooling.

His arms are beeeutiful. His abs are fantastic. His lips are adorable. His legs are delicious.
This guy's ass is dreamy. It's hot. It's hmmmm...drooling again.... it's perfect.

He gave me a massage from head to toe. Well, from toe to head. He cuddled me to "sleep." (sleep is in quotes because I couldn't sleep at all, not when I was that excited!) He breathed into my ear. I told him he was teasing me. In all fairness I was teasing him...a lot. And he told me so. So I said I'd stop. And he said no. Why couldn't we stop? Teasing is AWESOME. He told me it was my fault for having a boyfriend, that's why we couldn't go any further. I told him my boyfriend doesn't care about stuff like that. He still respected my relationship. Asshole.

It was the first out of SEVEN weekends. I'm fucked! Well, not literally...hopefully not literally! Unless it's by my lovah. Who couldn't come home until 4 am last night, so I had to make do with the internet. ARGH!

Now that I'm home, I asked my lovah if he really didn't mind about stuff like making out. He already asked me this before and I said: "no you retard, what the hell do I care, just don't love anyone more than me." Which would be impossible because I'm the awesomest and no one else would put up with him. So I figured his answer would be the same. And I won't love anyone better than him because he's the awesomest and no one else would put up with me. His answer was the same. He said he was surprised we already didn't make out. So it's settled...

For some lucky reason, there was no alcohol. A whole motherfucking weekend of foreplay and no alcohol makes Alathariel a dull boy...what? Whatever.

Next weekend I'm going Bedroom Prince style--that's a bottle half full of orange juice and half full of vodka.

Seriously, though, I need another image in my head than his ass. I can't stop thinking about it!

Oh! And a tight knit group like us obviously give each other ass slaps in stead of high fives, right? Well, this dude gives the best fucking ass slaps in the world! plush on the middle of the cheek. And those who know me know I love my ass. A lot....meh, I'm gonna pass out...

That's it! Lovah, wake up! I need some booty NOW!

Ssssssssssssssssssteam Heat

Holy crap it's hot in my apartment. Neenia, you got out just in time.

My lovah and I are MUCH too hot to have any contact at all, let alone crazy sex. We slept on our futon as it's bigger than our bed. We had two fans on us all night and I kept spraying myself with the bottle normally reserved for diciplining my cat.

I'm actually going to the gym right now. It'll be air conditioned, so I won't actually sweat as much on the elyptical (sp?) as I did sleeping.

But another thing. Oh another thing.

Skinny Rabbit, I'm sure the Ottawa Transit System sucks. But do you remember Toronto? Well the TTC went on strike yesterday. Yup, apparently they--like everyone else in the universe--decided they don't want to work on Mondays. BUT WE ALL WENT! I walked for two hours to get to work on not so flat ground. Then had to have a slightly uncomfortable drive with my boss. Then had to walk for what I thought would be ten minutes but was actually fourty five, to get to the GO Bus--it runs! And I was late for rehearsal.

My tip cup at work said: "The Why Do I Have A Metropass Fund"

Dude, I'm seriously pissed off. I demand revenge. If I don't get money back from last month's pass and a free pass for next month, then I think all the TTC employees should have to walk for 4 hours up and down Yonge Street in the sun. That's the logical consequence.

But the experience made me realise that walking to work is not the worst thing in the world. It was just bad because I was angry (that's not every day) and hot (which I'll be better prepared for in the future).

So I propose--if I don't get my free stuff--a boycott to the TTC! I don't need it! I refuse to get a pass! Who's with me?

Too Much Caffeine

I am in a strange mood!

My hands are shaking.

I felt so anxious this morning, money, duties, preparation, blah blah blah (wash it all away).

And then I got to TA a shakespeare (my specialty) class that made me feel so good about myself! I'm useful! I'm helpful! I'm smart! I'm funny!

Then I had a crazy conversation with my lovah about everything. I'm happy! I'm sad! I'm satisfied! I need more! I'm horny! I'm hungry! I'm hot! I'm ugly! I'm important! I'm insignificant! I'm free!

Then more anxiety about money, duties, preparation, blah blah blah!

Then talking to people it's difficult to talk to! I feel weird! Wait, they have a different definition of "weird," they think it means "dirty" or "gross" or "innapropriate!" Find another word to describe how I feel! Joyful! Crazy! Weird! No! Not weird! Funny! Anxious! Loving! Angry! Confused! But in a good way! But in a weird way! I don't know!

I'm trying to redefine the word "God" so that when other people use it, I don't picture an old man wearing a toga throwing lightning bolts and listening with understanding. I'm trying to visualise "Mother Earth" every time someone says "God." Or something. Ah!

I am inspired to do or do not. There is no try. That's hard because I'm going to try to do or do not. That does not make sense. I need to do. Or do not. There is no try. Beat it with a stick, Alathariel.

I will be satisfied. I will be good. I will tone my arms. I will not watch so much TV. I will save money. I will spend time with everyone I want to spend time with. I will have my theatre. I will have my TV show. I will have a gazillion dollars. I will sing like an angel. I will be in the original cast of something special. I will make other people feel special. I will help. I will pay my mother back for everything she has done. I will be a sister. I will learn more. I will teach better. I will not lose my patience. I will neither a borrower nor a lender be. I will be a mother. I will eat well. I will not lose sight of important things. I will be important. I will be humble. I will be organised. I will stay crazy. I will grow up. I will belt like a banshee. I will fuck like a tiger. I will rock like a superstar. I will hit the heights. I will continue to do my laundry. I will travel. I will have a home. I will share. I will get what I want. I will grow my hair. I will be idolised. I will be loved. I will be immortal. I will be creative. I will be productive. I will answer questions. I will learn Empire Strikes Back off by heart. I will stay up late. I will cook. I will not nag. I will do what is right. I will be spectacular. I will feel the love. I will spread the love.

Following each one of those, add "starting now!"

I'll always be starting.

Love is a sickness and it's cure. Perpetual rejuvination.

Know what I mean?

You Can't Trust Women

So it says on my Rogers box that Gilmore Girls is on right now on chanel 27, the women's network. But do you know what's on? An infomercial for something called Turbo Jam. What the fuck? I really wanna watch Gilmore Girls! It gives a full description of the episode and everything. It's a good one! Why is turbo jam on? It's crap! the people are tanned orange with white blond hair. (Neenia, when I say "bawdy" you say "jayam!") This is bullshit.

Know what else is bullshit? well I can't tell you because it's a secret. It's no big deal but I cannot betray someone's trust. The main thing is someone did something that I thought should have been done with me if done at all. Whatever. I'm being rediculous. But I just wanna be the most important person in everyone else's life, is that too much to ask?

I'm just upset because the only thing that's on right now is KING OF THE HILL! WHY? WHY? WHY?

No Red Roses and Waterfalls for Me!

My lovah and I were talking about how he's not romantic. At all.

He didn't quite agree with me, and I gave him an example. "When I cry," I said "you hate it. But you don't say it's because you love me and you don't want to see a loved one hurt, you think of all these logical reasons why I shouldn't be crying. You don't even think it's because you love me and hate to see me sad, but that's what's going on."

I went on to say he doesn't believe in an epic love or soulmates or even true love.

And he said something like, where there's great romance, there's disfunction (but not as eloquently) to which I said "What do you mean?" And he said something like the more romance there is in a relationship, the more drama and therefore nothing is really healthy...somthing like that. Then he said--and this is the clencher--his parents, his role models for a couple, "are the kind of couple who will be together forever and that's what I think you and I have." As simple as that.

Dude, it's just a matter of time before the ring is on my finger.
Just kidding.

I didn't hear the rest of the crap he was talking about, something to do with everyone else, what the fuck do I care? Tears were streaming down my face, obviously I was hiding them, I didn't want him to see me cry because he luhs me so much.

We're gonna be together forever.

Who needs romance when you think that way?

All Alone at the Drive-in Movie

I have no friends!!!

When you're only counting on two people, you're gonna get screwed. Everyone who left me, COME BACK!!! If you come back now, I won't leave...okay I probaly will.

FINE! Stay in your crappy non-Toronto places.

I'm going to watch MORE what not to wear. And it's all your fault.

Would You Light My Candle?

So, it turns out, I'm not as cool as I thought. Go figure.

I love things that don't need electricity. I love gas ovens, coffee bodems, acoustic guitars. But faced with a day and a half of no power, I went crazy. I painted 4 horrible paintings, worked on my crappy book, read someone else's crappy book, wrote bad poetry, over-pet my cat, played with candle wax and burned myself.

I am completely addicted to having the TV face me while I play on the internet, checking my email, commenting on your blog and downloading music, getting something to eat, turning on all the lights and charging my cell phone.

Lame.

Maybe I should light my candles again.

You know what would help? Having millions of dollars. I'm convinced it would solve all my problems. Growing up fairly poor, I learned about the important things in life like friends, family and love. I'm good with those things. I'm happy. The only problems I have involve a lack of extreme wealth.

In conclusion, Toronto Hydro can go fuck themselves.

All the World's a Stage

I love acting! I love it!

And I know it's not the point, but I LOVE getting paid for it!

I have two characters to care about! I therefore do not care about customers or cutlery or tables or tequila anymore! Okay, I care a little about tequila still.

I got told by a Tarrot card reader that I was worried that what I was doing (career wise) was empty but it's not. I'm so glad he said it. Theatre is so not empty, even though I can't explain what it's actually full of.

Anyway, happiness is morning and evening, daytime and nighttime, too.

Manic Like Jim Carrey

How can one person feel so incredibly blah?

It's not even any specific time of the month when this usually happens. This Sunday I felt so excited, so positive about life, about the future. And all of a sudden, everything hit me, it all overwhelmed me. I don't even know what hit me.

On Tuesday, I got a horrible tip which made me sad about work. Then there were TTC problems and those always get me down. But this down? I thought it might be that my big book just finished and so I bought a new one. It's wonderful! I'm still down.

My lovah moved in and that should have been great, but my bad mood made it difficult to...be in a good mood. And then I felt bad about being in a bad mood around him which made my mood worse.

Today I got to do what I love (be in a room where everybody was talking about and performing Shakespeare) and so I was happy. (Most of them...all of them had trouble with it so I even had the satisfaction of helping people understand it!) Within the famous acting class circle, everyone shared great cathartic memories which I was so greatful to hear. But of course, I didn't really get to share because I was just there to listen. So when each person's memory struck one of my own, I had to hold it in. May I share one with you?

This summer, my Grandpa got really sick. We knew he was going to die. He was a record producer and he loved loved musical theatre. When we were in the hospital (for like a week) I thought to sing to him (because I think to sing to everyone) and he, in his incoherent way, asked for "Just My Bill." So I sang Bill and after the first chorus, he mumbled: "the next time, do it faster and heavier!" So I sang the second half fast and heavy with him trying to sing along. It was awesome.

That's the good part. But he looked so vulnerable. There was a time when the nurse came in and started to explain something that the doctor was about to do and he said "is that good or bad?" and it was the most helpless I've ever heard anyone sound. I didn't go back to the hospital and I was so thankful when he died. He didn't need to be like that anymore.

Thanks, it's been weighing on me.

But I'm still down.

Why am I choosing to be alone when there's a giant group of people I can be with?

Okay, now I have to write something good to balance this depressing crap out.

um...I just ate peanut butter and chocolate pudding at the same time. I used to do it in high school. So that was pleasantly nostalgic.

I love the way Newman on Seinfeld says "a banker!"

Dude, I'm usually fabulous. Check out my other posts. I just suck today.

No day but today...

Good/Bad

What makes a good girlfriend?

Usually the answer is: Me. I make a good girlfriend. But tonight I felt whiny and clingy.

I also felt ignored and unloved. Does that make him a bad boyfriend?

What is this stupid need girls have to say: "I just want you to include me in your life!" And what is the stupid need for guys to not respond. What's with "I don't know," or "uh huh," or "...?"

When will guys learn that all girls want is something?

When will girls learn that guys will never give it to them?

Okay, I'm starting to lack vision and creativity here. I'm not the same as every other girl. I'm not the same as anyone. I can have my own apostrophes (I think I mean epiphanies) about my relationship, not relationships in general. And I've come to the conclusion that why won't he include me in his life?!?!

Laugh on Line

Oh man. Remeber that body flow instructor that I am in love with? Well I googled him and guess what came up? MY BLOG! So if anyone googles him for any reason, you'll find obscene quotes from drunken posts!

This is very funny, but very embarrassing. So now, I'm gonna talk about myself, so that when I google myself, people will see how awesome I am.

Claire Rice, AKA Princesse Alathariel, is the most talented person in the world. You'll never meet anyone more gorgeous. Claire Rice is also incredibly smart and Claire Rice is really good in bed. If you are googling Claire Rice, then you have found the coolest website ever because you actually get to see inside Claire Rice. Please leave a comment for Claire Rice and you might have the chance that Claire Rice will grace you with her acknowledgement.

Indeed, Claire Rice is truly magical. Claire Rice controls the wind, did you know that? She--Claire Rice, that is--would like to know which element you connect with the most? Is it Air like Claire Rice? Or Earth or Fire or Water? Claire and Air rhyme, but Claire Rice hates it when you rhyme with her name.

If you googled Claire Rice because you were looking for the perfect present for her, here's what Claire Rice wants for her birthday (June 7th): A digital camera (how else will Claire Rice capture those Swiss moments?), pretty journals (but not as pretty as Claire Rice), candles, sandles and skirts. And gift certificates to book stores. Or just books. Claire Rice loves to read. And Claire Rice is very good at reading.

In conclusion, Claire Rice.

Take that Google!

I'm lovin' it.

Do you know what's disgusting? McDonalds when you're not drunk. Guess what's awesome. McDonalds when you are.

I have the bag on my lap and every time I reach for a fry I realise I put them on my desk. But seriously, every time I want a fry, I reach in the bag before I notice where they actually are. I'm not talking a couple of fries, I'm saying like a whole medium's worth!

Drunkenness is good sometimes. It was a long day, yes, but not a bad one so a few shots make me feel like fun. when I'm sad, drinking is depressing. (do i think I'm the first person to realise this?)

I have to do some spells now, then sleep.

I wrote all of this with one hand, by the way. The other was holding a cheeseburger. totally worth it.

Tomorrow, I'll try to "know th...myself" again.

But why?

Why didn't anyone comment on my Life Uncommon post? I really needed the imput of people who matter to me!

Please read it! I need validation! I need you! Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaase!

I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time.

Gimme a head with HAIR!

Go. See. It.

Yaaaa hooo hooo hoo hoooey!

I love A Goofy Movie. So sue me!

A life uncommon

Why am I a server? It doesn't make me happy. A friend just said "I still can't picture you bartending..." you know why? Because I'M NOT A BARTENDER! I'm not meant for it. I don't want to get you your drink. I kinda think you should stop drinking! I know you're not gonna tip me, and if you do, I'm sucking up for money! that's not cool! do you have to suck up for a loonie? no! you have a billion people working under you, you never do a thing and you get paid millions!

I don't like that!

I don't like being the one making your life better through tequila shots.

I want my life being made better. Can't I help people? Can't I do what I love for money? and then use that money to help people? and then lie on a beach somewhere?

I guess I'll be doing one of the things I love for money when I go to Switzerland. Okay, I'm okay. My life is interesting again. The panic recedes.

Oh no, the same friend is surprised that I joined a gym and that I can hold my alcohol! (I'm talking on msn as I write this.) She just said: "I don't know who you are!" I don't know either! If I have to have a joe job, I should be working at a childrens bookstore!

I just realised, I can stay up late now! Where did I go?

lend your voices only to the sound of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and you shall lead a life uncommon

The concept of "shoe."

After finally cleaning my room, I watched at least 4 hours of "What Not to Wear" with a hint of Clueless and The Thomas Crown Affair.

My roomie and I make fun of Stacey and Clinton for saying "you've paired it with a beautiful boot," or "the pant is lovely," or "there's a nice line in the arm." They don't know how to use plurals. I imagine myself on that show and think of all the things I can say to make fun of them.

There's a girl on now with a T-shirt with a picture of Tinkerbell and it says "Never Grow Up." Of course the "host" are saying "Guess what? It's time to grow up!" She has a few beautiful fairy dresses that I love.

Well, now they're getting her clothes that are, yes, flattering, but exactly like everyone else's! Why do they insist on removing individuality.

People say things like "real world" and "grow up." I don't understand! Why can't I dress the way I like? Will I actually offend someone if I want to look like a princess? Will I actually be judged or deemed untrustworthy if I'm wearing a long skirt? What if they saw me carry around my superman lunchbox? Dude!

Then I think, I want people to take me seriously.

But that thought goes away very quickly. I'd rather be a princess and I don't think it could cause that much harm.

Should a person really give up a part of their identity and adapt to the current style?

Forgiveness

One night, I got home very very drunk and I wrote the most eloquent post ever. The next day, when I went to check it, it hadn't published, it hadn't even saved! You can imagine my rage. I haven't forgiven my blog.

Until now.

Fine, blog, I forgive you.

But since then, I've found it hard to find things to say. That one post sapped everything I had in me and now my thoughts are disorganised.

Oh well.

I'm waiting for my lovah to move in with me and I couldn't be more excited! This is gonna be the best summer of my life! (except for next summer when Harry Potter 7 comes out and I'll be in England!)

I'm listening to Hairspray right now and I'm happy. "They'll never get to college but they sure look cool." "Now that I'm a woman I like bigger men."

I'm also getting excited to pull a Nick! and sing "Goodbye Until Tomorrow" at my family goodbye party.

Switzerland will be magnificent.

Okay, blog. Looks like we're back to normal now. Let me organise my thoughts and I'll be back.

Goodbye until tomorrow.

I'm a thief.

I didn't say it first, but I'm saying it now:

If you think being in a relationship is a trap, you lack vision and creativity.

Eat that.

Wash the Rain

Sometimes there are so many things wrong. Too many to deal with. I'm only one person, I counted, so there's only so much I can do.

There is too much weighing on me; responsibility, guilt, anger, love, possibilities, mistakes, embarrassment, eating disorders, relationships, a plant, a cat, laundry, patients, patience, books, music, talent, my body, my ganglion, my hair, my room, dishes, the litter box, blogging, old friends, new friends, letter writing, story writing, impressing people, confronting people, contraception, he said she said, miscommunications, boredom, insolence, money, money, money, waiting, wanting, changing, staying the same, words, memories, plans, dreams, drinks, dances, phone calls, emails, lent, apologies, waking up.

One night, as I was trying to fall asleep, someone said the last straw (though I soon found out it was only one of the last straws) I don't remember what he said but I threw my mind somewhere it doesn't often go: I prayed. But I didn't pray to someone with a name, I didn't pray to someone at all. (Let's not make this what it isn't.) I immediately started hearing this old, horrible song loaded with nostalgia called "Wash the Rain" by World on Edge (how convenient!) and it swelled inside me until I found myself whispering "wash it all away, wash it all away..." Quickly, tears started streaming down my face but I kept repeating "wash it all away, wash it all away" and just as quickly, the tears stopped. And I fell asleep.

I'm hoping this wasn't my personal version of "serenitiy now, insanity later" but "wash it all away" has been my mantra since that night and it at least keeps me from crying or even frowning. It allows me to feel cool, calm, confident (like Aladdin) along with the frustration.


One by one we fall to the ground
We turn our heads and start from where we were found
On our knees
Hold your head from moving round
Your eyes are fixed on something that you have found
It's not for me
And if you say wash the rain
Do you mean wash the pain from me

Ode to Darlene

The Lady of the Lake, The Priestess of Avalon, The Mother Confessor, The Headmaster of Hogwarts.

Director. Teacher. Actor. Student. Singer.

Patient. Dilligent. Determined.

Always loving, she easily sees you through your eyes.

She can never really be hurt even if her mortal coil can be bruised.

No one has ever inspired me more--inspiration that stays with me at the front of my mind.

Feel better, Darlene, and live for a thousand years!

Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

Here's what I'd do with millions of dollars (and I invite you to come up with your own list):

I'd give a hell of a lot of money to my mom. I'd buy stars for people who are special to me (yeah, you can buy a star and name it after someone!). I'd start a theatre called Bottom's Dream with Kate and Tanya and every summer, I'd put on Midsummer Night's Dream and every winter I'd put on Twelfth Night and no one would get sick of it. I'd also put on The Importance of Being Earnest because it's awesome. And I'd pay Darlene and Greg millions to direct. And I'd pay my underpaid actor friends millions to be a part of it. I'd give so much money to Mollie to start up any charity she wanted and do amazing things with helping people. I'd start the TV show about the Travelling Warior Princesses. I'd dress like a princesse. I'd hold masquerades. I'd have one kick ass wedding. I'd buy my cat a house. I'd get my castle...

which leads me to my castle wish thing. the thing with my castle is that you can have anything you want in it or on the grounds. And please, don't limit yourself to one thing, pick as many things as you want. Get creative. Someone asked for a marble fountaine that you could swim in and find jewels at the bottom. Someone asked for a big rock that she could lie on and look at the stars. Someone asked for a roller coaster. I'm the most creative so far, though. I've come up with the best ideas for secret rooms through the library, secret passage ways to secret gardens and even secret hideouts inside trees. Most of my ideas are secret...

I have to think about these things when I feel like I don't have much. I mean, I know I have a lot. More best friends than I know what to do with, a free trip to Switzerland coming up, left over chinese food in the fridge and a really great mom. But I don't have any money. I don't have any self control. I don't have any energy. I don't have any cool clothes.

I have to have my dreams.