The Sky Has Been Claire-ified

I am too excited! I seriously feel so excited that I feel sick! I'm going to England tonight. TONIGHT! I woke up this morning feeling like it was the first day of school. You know that feeling? I hate it! Every year, I'd be sick and tossy turny. I hate the unknown! But it's weird because I know what awaits me in England. I've been to Frenchie's dorm before, I know her friends, her daily life, everything. I guess I don't know if I'm gonna sleep with English Gentleman or not. Oh man, I REALLY want to. It's so horrible because it's England and then immediately after it's Italy and my boy! That's bad. I feel bad that my boy is second but I didn't plan it that way! Argh!!! But...I'm too excited to care!

So...can someone tell me now if I'm going to sleep with English Gentleman or not? I'd really like to know just to take the freaking suspence out of the situation! I had sooooooooooo much fun with him, I just want a little repeat!

I really wish I had cool clothes that I love and that look really good on me. It just makes me feel good when I know I look good. What an obvious, unoriginal statement. Whatever. It's on my mind.

I had an annoying dream last night. I was in some sort of haunted college dorm house. There was no evidence that it was haunted, it was just common knowledge that it was. And I was flirting with my fellow Mermaid's friend. Then, for some reason, my fellow Mermaid thought I needed to be taught some sexual skills because I was nervous. Now that can be analysed easily enough: I'm nervous to sleep with English Gentleman/the Boy again after so long and I wish I had friends to talk about it with. But did my dream have to make it so...graphic? Did my friend actually have to show me what to do by pretending to be a guy? No. Now I feel weird about her. Not very, just enough that I don't want to talk to her right now, even though I really want to talk to her right now! Argh.

I miss reading your blogs! Even though I just read Miss Pants' and Arts Monkey's, I want more. I want to know what happens with Miss Pants and Arts Monkey and I want to know what's been happening with the rest of you! Like Arts Monkey, I wish all my friends lived on the same block. Then we can be Bloggers from the Block.

My Eating Disorder

I tried to be anorexic. I really did. In fact, I've tried a bunch of times. Usually I manage to last throughout the night, but that's like, really hard to do.

I just need food. Obviously I need food, but what I mean is I always need food. Always. If I'm not eating, I'm cooking or planning what I'm going to eat next or thinking about eating. I can't think about anything else. Even thinking about theatre doesn't stop me from thinking about food. When I'm actually in rehearsal, I manage to not be hungry until it's over.

How do I get it out of my head? How do I stop obsessing?

Les Quatre Accords Toltèques

Be impeccable with your word--Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Okay, I'll admit--I lie. I make promises I can't keep. But I'll try not to do that anymore. I don't gossip though. But I'm really bad with truth. I even lie to myself.

Don't take anything personally--Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

This I'm pretty good at. It's really hard because I'm self centred and selfish. But I try putting myself in other peoples' shoes and realise that whatever is going on, it's not personal.

Don't make assumptions--Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Well, I don't assume, I predict and I'm usually right. But I'm great at communicating because I hate misunderstandings. And I only create drama with people I don't care about.

Always do your best--Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I am the most guilty of not following this one. I do not always do my best. And so I judge myself, I abuse myself and I regret a lot. It's hard to do your best when you're lazy though...

Natural Caffeine!

Oh to be young! I love it! I love being young and free and in Europe! I don't care that I'm poor! I don't care that I'm sometimes fat! I don't care that I miss my friends! Okay, I really care that I miss my friends but I'll have some friends involved in the upcomping schemes.

I'm too excited to continue blogging! I have to watch South Park to calm my excited nerves!

Miss Ellipsis

It's happened to me now. I have NOTHING to blog about... really, my mind is blank...

I want to go to New York.

I want to put on a Clown Show.

I want to put on a Clown Burlesque Show.

My Clown name is Audrey Ellipsis.

Arabian Nights

I freaking love Aladdin. I just played Aladdin with the little girl. We Skidooed to Agrabah... The palace was so beautiful from where we were. I watched a bit of the movie with the baby (who is almost a boy now!) and he totally laughed at my favourite funny parts. I'm teaching him what I consider to be very important, i.e. Genie = funny. i.e. Aladdin = Awesome. He's already learned how to dance like the Newsies...

***

I don't know how jealous you'll all be, probably very, to hear that it is SUMMERTIME here!!! Here's how I know: My feet are dirty! I love it! It's Summer Alathariel! I don't care if people get grossed out or freaked out or judge me, but dirty feet in summertime is who I am!
I also know it's summertime because it's warm at night.

***

One of my best friends told me that one of her best friends is leaning to go into peoples' dreams. And she's trying to learn too. I would love it if that were true. Then we could hang out anywhere. I tried to do it last night but I couldn't concentrate. Then I just tried concentrating on something and I couldn't do it. I'm a horrible magician. But it did feel wonderful to light a candle, put on my clean white nightgown and lie on my fresh clean sheets with my windows open and the night birds chirping sweetly through the warm night air and cool breezes. I slept wonderfully last night. But I woke up for a second only to hear something that sounded/felt like a presence... I thought it was a female presence. I don't know. I've never really actually believed in ghosts or dreamwalking or anything. But I want it to be true. I find it's no coincidence that magic shows itself in that place between sleep and awake (where Tinkerbell will always love Peter Pan). I hope I'm just being cynical though. I truly believed last night that someone was with me and it comforted me to no end. I don't believe it now though. Oh well, if it only exists at night and in my imagination, I'm okay with that.

My Mourning

Oh no! I was looking through pictures and the ones of English Gentleman didn't make me have ten orgasms! Dammit! It's so boring not to have a crush. I mean, I still wanna sleep with him, but I wanna sleep with a lot of people. I was having so much fun obsessing over him.

My Unwanted Nostalgia

I can't handle the crazy "friendships" on facebook with stupid people from grade school I never liked who never liked me. Why? Why are they all laughing at the old pictures of themselves? Do they not remember what happened before and after the picture was taken? The making fun of alathariel is what happened. I don't know how everyone just got over their childhood traumas. I guess it's really pathetic and sad that I didn't get over it. Well, that's not true, I did get over it all. But now that I have to see their stupid faces and stupid lives it's all coming back to me. I hate it. I'm extremely cheered up by pictures and messages and posts and quotes of my friends. My real friends. My friends' faces are so comforting.

no reason post

Okay, so now that I've killed two birds with one stone--getting high and sleeping with French Canadian Server last night--and I'm satisfied, I feel very artsy. Writing songs, getting ideas for short films, dancing. But now I really need to learn how to Samantha Jones his ass and not see him again. Is it okay to sleep with someone you don't quite like? I'm pretty sure he's a little racist and not that smart. His sense of humour is not at all the same as mine. I don't particularly find him attractive. He's fine, but not my type.

I miss my boy. A lot.

Butterflies

I need to have sex right now.

Five Spoons Full of Sugar

Okay, I feel better now. My heart is fine. I think everything is back to normal.

I think I was mostly hurt because I thought of him as home and now I feel homeless. But he's just as screwed up as everyone else. I know how he really feels and I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I'm going to try not to be so hormonal. Not that I didn't have completely ligitimate fuel for my raging hormones, but it's clearer now, and not worth the tears.

I LOVE spring! I'm so sorry for everyone who is living in the cold right now, but I couldn't be higher! I'm pretty sure it's magical here, the sky is so freaking blue every single day! Like the crazy kind of blue that looks fake, like it can't possibly be the actual colour of something in this world. I don't know how many people know that I used to get freaked out by a blue sky (if the stuff around me is the same stuff up there, how come the stuff up there is so blue and the stuff down here isn't? and why doesn't the blue cover airplanes? Think about that.) but I'd be absolutely nuts all the time if I didn't try to get over it.

I got dressed up and went out last night (the first non freezing night!) to a wine bar. It was devine! I wore my red and white polka dot dress, I read and wrote and my waiter was from Quebec! He bought me my third glass (the glass that secured my drunken state) of a wine he suggested, I forget the name of it, it's a spanish white wine and it's very sweet. Delicous! I left him my number on the bill because he called me pretty. Plus he had nice arms. I'm not usually an arm girl. That is, I don't think about arms until I feel good ones, or until they're on display but not stupidly on display know what I mean? I hope he calls, I need to get laid.

I've been planning my new room (?) at my next house and it's gonna be almost totally purple, so it's good that no boys will be living in it. I gotta go purple while I still can. Just like I gotta stay out all night, drink too much, experiment, sleep around, explore and live it up as much as possible with as many friends as possible while I'm young. I will be married with wonderful children in a wonderful house one day, but now is not the time!

I'm gonna go get a kebab and then go a chocolate muffin and then go visit a new friend in Vevey.

Complex

I feel like my heart is breaking really slowly.
I feel dreadful, like something really horrible is happening and I can't stop it.
I had a dream that the boy was supposed to come with me somewhere and he didn't.
He just blew me off and no one knew where he was.
Then a girl from school taught me how to dance the dying swan.
Then I saw myself in a mirror and I was wearing a long jean skirt with a slit in the side that went all the way up to my hip.
Through the slit, I saw my own bare bum, looking beeautiful as always and I was proud.
I said "hey, you can see my..."
And the skirt shifted.
"haha, oh, you can see my penis too."
It looked like Michelangelo's David's penis.
What is that supposed to mean?
I wish I could say that the pain and dread came from the dream, but I felt this way yesterday too.

My Moral of the Story

Soooooooo, I've been effectively escaping my problems by watching every episode of Scrubs ( www.sharpiesscrubs.tk ) and Lois and Clark; The New Adventures of Superman. I feel great.

I'm trying to explain to the boy (he downgraded from Lovah--if the word freaks him out so much, I won't use it anymore!) that we're not "going steady" or whatever is scaring him or whatever. We're not ...anything! I like watching tv with him. I like dressing up for him. I like shopping with him. I like lying on the grass with him. I like his eyes when he smiles in the morning. I like getting excited in front of him. I like when he explains things to me. I like bugging him when he cooks for us. I like hearing the oddly comforting banging of the keys of his piano even when I can't hear the notes because he's using headphones. I like his family. I like the way he plays with his hair when he's thinking. I like his obsession with coffee. I like fucking him in every position imaginable. I like his obsession with the weather.

So that's what we are. Those things. I don't really want to live without those things. There are lots of other things I don't want to live without--the exact colour of my friend's red hair, Skinny's racism, applause, my mom's lipstick, Neenia's marshmallows, Harry Potter, mango salsa, laughing so hard it hurts, singing at the top of my voice, drum beats to name a very few--and I hope I don't have to live without them.

He's not my partner, he's not my better half. I'm whole. Including him and including a lot of other things that make up me.

Fucking Boys

I know that was a title of a past post but it applies again. Me: Aw, it'll be nice living together again. Lovah: eh. Me: oh, you don't want to? Lovah: I don't know yet. Me: Well, it'll be nice living in the same city again. Lovah: oh yeah, I can't wait for that, it'll be so sweet. didja hear the part in the middle when my heart broke and my brain exploded? I tried to talk to him about it today, when he wasn't on his way to work, but he was sleeping. so now he knows I'm upset, and still, he had to sleep. now, I didn't want to push him--I was trying not to be a girl. but when he heard that I was upset shouldn't he at least TRY to make me feel better? shouldn't he have said "oh, baby, I'm sorry, I promise we can talk about it soon, I love you." or "oh man, okay, I'm awake, I don't want to lose you, let's talk now." or "april fools! of course I want to live with you!" but no, I get "mmf. luurve. bye." What the hell? what happened to the lovah who was freaked out by how in love he was with me? I know living together is like "a big step" but if he doesn't want to, it just means he doesn't feel as strongly about me normally than he does when he's jealous. and I can't even tell if that sentence made any sense or not. I'm going to annul the fact that we already lived together because I told him it didn't mean we had to live together forever. but now, when I'm asking (okay, i was assuming, but I've altered my assumption to a question and told him that) he doesn't know. what's not to know? what's there to think about? he loves me, he said so, he's gonna be at med school from 8 to 4 every single day and studiying every single night. why the hell would he want to sleep apart too? it doesn't make any sense at all! GODDAMN FUCKING BOYS! they are absofuckinglutely absurd! so here's what I'm gonna ask him: WHY? is it because of the open relationship thing? you're worried it would cramp our styles to live with someone? okay, kinda understandable, I can discuss that. is it because of the money? you don't trust me to be a good roommate and pay the bills and stuff? I'd totally understand, though it seems unlike you to think of such things. is it because I'm messy? because a) I've changed living in the cleanest country ever and b) you're not so clean yourself, you slob. is it because you don't want to "settle down" yet (I say settle down with my teeth as clenched as they can possibly be without breaking. spending time with me is never settling.)? well, if that is the case, you are an idiot. then I will say this: so it's a good thing we're in an open relationship because I'm free to look for someone who wants to live with me when I want to live with them. immature maybe, but I guess it's true. I mean, I proved that there are more people out there for me. English Gentleman may live in England, but we connected SO FAST and I bet I could make it work with him and therefore other people too. there are so many people I could "make it work with" and if he really does feel about me what he says he does, then he should want to make it work with me. it would be completely effortless because we actually REALLY ARE AMAZING TOGETHER. but if he sees it as difficult, then whatever, I guess I will have to deal with this gigantic weight I suddenly feel and the very painful knot in my chest. I know I'm gonna sound like Carrie a little right now, but why can't I have the kind of love where he would wake at 5am because he forgot to tell me a joke or just to look at me? I want him to get nervous around me. I want him to not believe his luck that he's with me and want to punch any other guy who wants me. I want him to like the fact that I call myself a princesse and not say he likes me in spite of that. I want him to want me, all the time. Is that so much to ask?

Jon Stewart and Memories

I had a sex dream about Jon Stewart. I had just gotten out of the shower and had a white towl on and he was lying in my bed topless. Although we were sharing a room and, apparantly, a bed, it was like, taboo that I went to lie down on top of him. It was a "we know it's wrong but it feels so right" moment. Those are the best. I live for those moments. So I lay on top of him, knees on either side of his hips, all the parts matching up, and curled my head into the nook. Not Carrie's Aiden's nook, but my lovah's nook. I either drifted into another dream or woke up. Either way, now I'm obsessed with Jon Stewart. Remember him with Gillian Anderson in Playing By Heart? That was a hot scene.

The wrong-but-feels-right-ness got me thinking of my born again boyfriend at the end of high school and something I wrote about him and read to him when he finally confessed he had feelings for me.

If our hands should wander
Your smile dissapears
My eyes fill with wonder
While yours fill with tears

I can't tell if it's cheesy, because it's so exactly true. All I wanted was to express what I was feeling for him physically (which is a nice way of saying that I was a horny, sex deprived, nerdy, smitten teenager), and all he wanted was to avoid that. The guilt and the fact that I was "corrupting" him made it that much more "wrong-but-right." I kinda feel bad now for pushing him. Not that we did much. He's married now.

Fictional Dreams

I just watched Save the Last Dance 2 (I'm not that much of a loser, Ijust wanted to see our friend from school...) and I'm angry. Not because of the offencively crappy acting, because of the plot. I didn't expect it to be good at all, I just thought it would be properly cheesy. But it was about art and performing, so I took it seriously. In case you haven't seen it, and I hope you haven't, the ballet chick goes to Juliard, as planned, and meets this guy who teaches history of hip hop. Okay,obviously, they're gonna hook up. We find out that the guy used to go to Juliard as a classical pianist. He loved it but ended up dropping out because his dream changed. He wanted to be a creative amazing dj. cool, fine, we get it. He finds out Sarah can dance and asks her to help him choreograph a peice. Reluctantly, she does and it's super cool. But then she gets the lead in the ballet. So he's all "but you can be so much more" and she's all "but I've always wanted to be a ballerina!" anyway, she ends up quitting fucking Juliard! She said she danced perfectly, got a standing ovation, closed her eyes and felt at peace. Then she felt numb. That's fucking bullshit. What all her love for ballet suddenly disappeared because her boyfriend wasn't there? It's balls! Ballet made her HIGH before, that would not go away because she also liked different styles of dancing. I thought that was the wrong choice for an ending. It should have been that the guy's dream changed and that's great, so he should support her dream too.

What a crappy movie. What a waste of time.

so so angry

I just wrote a really really long post that got erased due to crappy computerness.

here's what i remember:

I like sitting under willow trees looking out at Lac Léman.

I enjoy watching the ducks, seagulls and crazy swans in Lac Léman.

It would be nice to walk around Lac Léman.

On the other side of Lac Léman is Evian.

Evian spelled backwards is naive.

Sometimes I'm naive.

Sometimes I'm wise.

A "wizard" is just someone who is really really wise.

Merlin was wise.

I'd like to learn more about Merlin.

I've heard that Merlin lives his life from the end to the finish.

How do you do that?

I'd like to have magic.

I'd like to be able to fly.

"If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best."


That's all I remember. oh yeah, and I said how I'm gonna change the phrase "building character" to "building coolness" because that's what they mean. I'm brimming with coolness. Coolness is reading and writing under a willow tree.

BitterSweet

Argh frustration! I should be allowed to have my lovah with me at all times! I'm so frustrated in so many ways! Okay, mostly sexually, but in so many sexual ways I'm frustrated.

I wrote a song about English Gentleman and told him that I wrote a song inspired by him and he wants to hear it. and I said he couldn't. and he said why not? and I said because I didn't think it was his kind of music. (I know his kind of music because he told me to listen to all these different cds but I couldn't really listen because I just got butterflies every time I did. and that's what the song is about.) then he didn't write back for three days but he did update his profile (and changed his picture to a really hot one of him topless) so he got my last message and didn't reply! that's just bad manners! especially to a girl in my situation, i.e. horny.

I can't stop thinking about your fingers on your guitar.
so long and lean I wanna be where those strings are.

okay, maybe I shouldn't play him the song because it's dirty...or maybe that's why I should play him the song... especially the chorus.

I listen to your music and it makes me wet
I try to focus on the songs but I forget
your cd looks so innocent upon the shelf
I listen to your music and I touch myself

yup, definitely never ever playing it for him.

That night is like a song I can't get out of my head.
Now all I think about is being back in your bed.
To compensate I have to date your music instead.

I hate this. I miss my lovah so so so so so much. even though I didn't write a song about him. oh wait, yes I did! haha! and it's good too. it's not dirty though, which would upset him, but whatever, it's cute and I like it. and I will play it for him. because we can tell each other everything, easy. or as the little girl says "fasscootch" which I think means "peice of cake." mmm cake. oh man, now all I want is cake...and there's some here, but it's not mine. oh man, I need something sweet.

At least I have theatre back in my life. Well, not at least, at best. I'm really excited about this cabaret and I can't wait to do it! I gotta go learn some songs! we're doing Don't Tell Mamma and Seasons of Love and Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy and Lady Marmalade where I get to be in the last group, the Christina group if you will, and be like the dirtiest. I hope the costumes are good!

type away

oh no. had so much to say, yesterday, the day before. saw erykah badu on sat, beautiful, absolutely fucking perfect. danced my heart out. got a crush on a girl in the opening band. she kinda looked like Neenia's best friend.

had rehearsal, danced my heart out, hung out with vancouverian who is awesome and funny and cool. we laughed a lot at the different kinds of ducks swimming in lac léman (lake geneva for the swiss ignorant), thinking about taking a week to walk around the lake, what's better than that. have the urge to be more of a hippie, more skirts, more sandals, more long hair, more camping, more drugs, more freedom, more let the sun shine. wrote some songs. beautiful day, love love love looking at pics on facebook. hate people asking me if i'm famous yet, no, have you heard of me asshole? you'll fucking know when i'm famous. so excited for rent. wanna explore, but wanna go home, wanna write, wanna sing, wanna eat, wanna get skinny like before, wanna be in england, wanna make out with either my lovah, english gentleman, or singer from opening band.

missing you all, wishing we could have weekly meetings instead of random unfixed blog reads.

ps please please please read a long way down by nick hornby. it's fucking incredible.

I Don't Know What I Wrote

woo hoo!!! I'm gonna perform again! I'm in a show called the Cabernet Cabaret! I had my first rehearsal last night and it's awesome because it's pretty professional (the atmosphere, it's non paying...) but I'm clearly the best. Well, so far, I've only seen half the chorus, so I'm the best out of them. We're singing boogie woogie bugle boy and there's a solo part in the middle that we can audition for on Saturday, and it's mine. it's perfectly in my awesome belt range. it's mine.

So the question is, should I stay for RENT even if it doesn't pay? I really wanna be on the West end after this, but I also really wanna go home. I wanna get to work on Bottom's Dream and the next Mermaids album (this guy said he wanted to produce it, he has access to a drummer, a bassist, a studio and everything!) and...just be home again! So if I stay for RENT (in which I will for sure get Maureen or Mimi) I'll just be here til February, I'll be rehearsing all fall so I won't be bored (not that I should be bored anyway, I'm in fucking Europe), my Lovah will be in Paris probably, where I'll have the chance to see him, and...I'll be in RENT. ...what should I do? go home, try to work in London, stay for the show...aaahhh!!! I can't decide.

I'm sure my options didn't make any sense at all. I'm a little too cafinated. Like I'm typing super fast and I don't really know what I'm saying, it's just the stream of consciousness kind of thing.

I've been reading the Importance of Being Earnest a lot because it's freaking hilarious. There are all these comments and letters about it at the end where people say how it's not serious, it's light and fluffy and stuff, and therefore not good. that's balls. why can't we have some non seriousness to laugh? This guy said he'd rather be moved to laughter, not tickled into it. He can shut up and lick me where I bleed. There's some substance, he comments on high society and stuff. Plus, for us, it's like super intellectual, he's just used to people talking that way because he's from that time. AND we're allowed to have funny-ness on stage. Just chill and enjoy, you jerk. It's not a wasted night if you laughed without crying. Whatever, he pissed me off.

I'm watching Blue's Clues, as usual, and it's fucking awesome. Steve is a genius. Please, watch it if you can!