Living Life in Peace

I forgot what I was going to write because I just read Skinny's new blog and it put the song "Pieces of You" by Jewel in my head. ...you say he's a faggot...

I was going to say something about the fact that I'm out of the slump. It's over. It's been years, I think, and just like that, it's gone, I can feel it. 

I dunno what it was, just a new year, a clean room, a fresh outlook, settling in, saddling up, auditioning 4 times in one week, having a few friends, lighting a few candles. It's nice, I like it.

I'm not going to dwell in the fact that the slump is over, but I will revel in my newfound self.

I've written a bit more to my book...s. I'd forgotten that the bit I wrote a couple nights ago is from another story completely. Sigh, will I ever finish anything?  Well, one of my books is coming together quite nicely! Imagine if I really, truly wrote a children's novel??? Imagine if it got published and sold and that's how I made my fortune? Insanity.

In other news, at one of my auditions, I pulled the old Claire is a brilliant slacker/improviser trick and ROCKED a monologue I learned that afternoon. It was so fucking funny y'all. My character was brilliant, I made the dude laugh like 5 times. Very unique and clever, if I do say so myself. I really love interpreting scripts MY way.

So, in short, I love acting, children's novels and honeycomb candles.

Cheater Cheater Vampire Eater

Some people have all the luck. There's probably a girl out there who was born with the same amount of talent and passion I was born with, but maybe her parents were famous musicians. Maybe her father was a successful director, her mother an opera singer. Said lucky girl grew up in a theatre! Money was never a problem for her, she started training in the womb, she was born with more connections than she knows what to do with.

Well, there would be no use in feeling bitter about that lucky girl's lot. I'm lucky too, just in different ways. I use what I have to make the best life I can possibly have. It's been such a grind lately but I truly feel I'm on my way. This year is my year, like I said. I know it will be a bumpy road and I'm okay with that. I embrace it. I can't wait to tell the story of how I got successful.

Now, I've just found out that really close friends of mine, a whole family in fact, are on depression medication. None of them are clinically depressed. Um, what? I don't understand it. Maybe I'm selfish, but my first reaction was one of outrage. "That's not fair!" I kept repeating, "That's cheating!" Those were the thoughts running through my head and out of my mouth.

We all have problems. Even lucky theatre girl. We deal with them. Don't you think it's cheating to go on medication to make you feel better about...life?! I mean, I don't know if any of you are on any sort of medication, so I'm sorry if I'm insulting you. I just don't get it.

No, I do get it, it's just not fair! Most people have to stick it out, don't they? I mean, it's like taking speed to stay up all night to study for a test--that would be considered cheating, wouldn't it? Taking steroids to help your muscles get bigger faster--totes cheating. Popping depression pills to stay happy when everyone else is trying to create their own happiness--it must be cheating! It's not fair!

On a slightly different note, all of you who know me know that I'm scatter brained, not so good a keeping tidy and organised. Well, I got a bit better in Switzerland, and now my room is perfect. I mean, there's nothing in there I don't use and there's a place for everything. It looks nice, I put away everything at the end of the day, I even make my bed every morning. I expect my life to fall into place as a direct result of this (and hard work and dedication, blah blah blah).

My roommates, the sex ones, are pretty successful musicians for their age. I mean, every time I talk to them, they're on their way from or to a recording studio or a gig or to teach. They have business cards for all their different bands and groups and they have promotional photos for everything. Wouldn't you think people like this wouldn't be messy people? Their rooms (the one they work in and the one they fuck in) are worse than the worst mine has ever been. Seriously. I don't know how they get anything done. They live in filth. Well, not filth, they're not dirty, just really really messy. And...

That's not fair! That's cheating! How do they keep their lives in order with messy rooms! I couldn't do it! It cluttered my brain, made me forget things, there was no way to keep track of my schedule! How do they do it?

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just searching for things to be jealous of? I hope not. I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm going to fight vampires the clean way. In every sense. I don't know if that's something I should be proud of, and I will certainly try not to boast. Chances are, there won't be much to boast about, but at least I'm trying.

My New Year

My wonderful man just left again, assuring me that he's quite excited for our next adventure which will come before we know it. After a tearful goodbye, I read a little Nick Hornby (Slam, it's a year old and I didn't even know about it!) and tried to pull myself together. I had a ticket issue with my own flight--I won't be back to Vancouver until Thursday--and there was a very surprisingly kind employee who did not charge me an expensive flight change fee! Really good way to kick off the year (as somehow I feel the year didn't start 'til EG disappeared...).

I can feel it: this year will be so much better than the last. I'll be so much stronger! I am so much stronger. It's excellent.

In keeping with kind of tradition, here are my New Year's Resos:

1. Save all twoonies in a jar.
2. Write more songs.
3. Work out 4 times a week (at least).
4. Help people more (but mostly my mommy).
5. Don't turn down jobs or skip work ever, for any reason unless I have to be at another job or literally cannot get out of bed.

I've learned that you can't just set a goal, saying "I want to be more in shape" because that doesn't tell you what actions to take and it feels like you're on your way to achieving the goal just because you declare that you want it. Or at least that's how I feel. When I set my sights on something, my mind just assumes I have it, I brush off my hands and say "well, I'm glad that's over with. Well done, Alathariel." So I can't keep doing that. I think this year, the resolutions are specific to daily and weekly life.

I like life. This year's going to be a good one, I can feel it.

Note: As I write this, I can hear the old lady who lives downstairs snoring. The whistling kind. It's haunting.

Oh Yeah Baby! Oh My God! Oh Yeah!

I live in what I call "The Music House." Not a very creative title because all of my four roommates are musicians. Freezing in here, we say it's like camping in the winter. It's an extremely fun house with zany themed parties and I'm so glad I live here.

Two of my roommates are together and share the room next to mine. Now, when I moved in, there was already a bed. A really big bed that I can't move. For some reason, the guy who lived here before me decided it was appropriate to put the bed against the shared (paper thin) wall.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'm not complaining about the loud sex that keeps me up every night--I don't want to be quiet when I have sex and I don't think anyone else should be forced to be quiet either. But dude. My sex lives in Loughborough, England and I live in Vancouver, BC, Canada.

In other news, I'm totally gonna have sex in 2 days. A LOT of sex. Really really good sex. Kinky, filthy, wicked, unable to sit for days sex.

p.s. The title of this post is not me using poetic license, they're actual breathless words I am hearing right now.

Gimme Gimme

Friends, I need help. Serious help. I am so obsessed with weddings/marriage that this is what I spend my time online doing:
*looking for pretty/dainty/unique/antique/special/magical engagement rings (there are none woven from pixie hair, which is what I really want, but I've found some that kind of look like it).
*looking for perfect wedding dresses. I can't decide what I want because I really want something simple and flowing, but I also would love uber complicated and uncomfortable and corset-y, know what I mean?
*watching "perfect proposals" on youtube.

I have a disease. What is wrong with me? EG a) won't propose soon, b) won't propose within two years and c) might never propose at all. Why am I torturing myself? Why do I think that's my dream come true? It's not, my real dream is to perform all the time and yes, have my man at home when I'm at home, happy and fulfilled with his passions and career, excited to see me every time he sees me. Really, is that so much to ask? No. Do I need a proposal that rivals those on youtube or in the movies? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Is it fair to say that five weddings in one year and my best friend getting preggers have influenced the way my brain works? Yes. Although, I will admit I've always wanted a fun/pretty/perfect/magical/unique/exciting/more magical dress, ring and wedding. But the obsession has reached a point...the highest point, I think.

I hope.

I don't think I can be more obsessed than I am now. Someone gave me ticketmaster gift certificates and I couldn't find anything EG and I would enjoy over Christmas, so I was actually considering using them when I get back to Vancouver on a BRIDAL SHOW. I'm not a bride!!! I might never be a bride!!! What has happened to me???

What is it about weddings? ...Other than the obvious--the promise of being with the person I love who loves me for as long as we both shall live and getting to be the centre of attention in the prettiest dress I'll ever own with the most beautifully magical hair I'll ever have with everyone telling me how beautiful I look, speeches being made about me and my love, toasting our happiness, kissing every time someone dings a glass, singing, dancing, discussing the happy years that are to come.

Other than that dream come true, and the fact that other peoples' wedding related happiness was thrown in my face way too much this whole year, why am I obsessed?

Suicide and Babies

There are a lot of things happening, kind of, but it doesn't feel like it...I don't know. Here's what's going on:

First of all, I'm reading A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby again. These characters are just phenomenal. The things they come up with genuinely make me cry often and laugh constantly. And the fact that I relate to them so well make me think I'm suicidal. Not suicidal in that I've ever truly wanted to die, just that I seem to have a lot in common with the people who do. Minus the killing myself part.

Here's a quote:

"A man who wants to die feels angry and full of life and desperate and bored and exhausted, all at the same time; he wants to fight everyone and he wants to curl up in a ball and hide in a cupboard somewhere. He wants to say sorry to everyone, and he wants everyone to know just how badly they've all let him down."

That's often how I feel! But I am certain I'm not a man who wants to die. I don't. I want to fix things. But I've kind of curled up in a ball and hid in a cupboard somewhere. The problem I'm finding with that is--your brain/heart/conscience/soul/life doesn't just stop working when you do that. You still think, feel, ache, move, breathe and the "fucking shambles" that your life has become gets worse. Still doesn't make me want to die--makes me want to hide harder, actually. But surely only an insane person would keep hiding after finding hiding doesn't work.

The good thing about the book is that they're not really suicidal in the end anymore. There is hope.

Now, completely unrelated, here's what else is in my head: EG loves to travel. He calls himself "A Citizen of the World!" He wants to, not visit, but live in many different places around the globe. I fully support this, as long as he knows I'm coming with him. But there are two problems--and if you're reading this, EG, I hope we've talked about it by now, it's not something I wanted to discuss over the phone, know what I mean?--and they are big problems. 1. I want to start having babies by the time I'm 30. I actually want to start now, but it would be better to start when I'm 30. Now, I understand that he's a year and a half younger than me, so even if we saw totally eye to eye on this, I might still have to wait 'til I'm 31. And I can do that. So that leaves us 4 and a bit years to live in different places around the globe. Surely that's enough time to decide where you want to live, right? Aha, but herein lies the second problem--I already know where I want to live and it has nothing to do with the city itself, the laws, the flora and fauna, the crime statistics--it's where my family is. Not in the suburbs, never that, but in the city next to the suburbs where said family lives. How can I ensure that his adventures around the world will lead him to the city from whence I came???

Truly a dilemma. And we only have 18 days together over Christmas--how can one of those precious hours be spent crying and possibly finding out that he will absolutely not want to live in my city and that he feels fine waiting until he's 40 to have kids because he can just find a 25 year old who's ripe and ready?

I am continually perplexed that there are so many marriages and babies happening around me and none of them are mine.

...however...

No, I wasn't lying, I really hate it when they ruin my wonderful books.

But I can't fucking wait to see the new Harry Potter movie. The preview looks so. fucking. good.

Ramblings In Bed

I am so sick of being ashamed! Of apologising!

Here is who I am, freely and unapologetically:

-I get hurt a lot--cuts, blisters, bruises, ingrown hairs, scrapes, burns, scabs--all of them can be found on my body ALL THE TIME.

-I am a girly girl. I like purple, weddings, flowers, frills, fairies, dresses, pink, berries, victorian houses, make-up, ballet, romance, mermaids, kisses, chick flicks, hair, the renaissance, Jane Austen--the list goes on.

-I like the flower power message. I'm not a "dirty hippie" but I believe in truth, love, freedom, happiness, peace, harmony. How can that be bad?

-I'm awful with money.

-I'm nervous, intimidated and jealous with new or existing friends.


*****


I don't want to want things anymore. I don't want to want gadgets, don't want to want to looka certain way, or need the "cool seats" on the bus. I don't want to be traumatised by children from my past who are now adults! I don't want to feel jealousy! I'm sick of jealousy!

I have so much!

I have the mail where I think I need the internet.

I have the outdoors when I think I need the gym.

I have love when I think I need stuff!

NO, NO, NOOOOO!

So, a couple nights ago, I wrote a lot of things in a journal that I wanted to blog about. Then, the next day, I cleaned my room and forgot to bring it with me to this place where I have the internet. Lamesies. (definitely stole that word from Neenia.)

Instead of giving you the things I wrote before, I will give you this:

I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hate when people fuck with my books. It makes me scream. I can't watch the rape of my friends. Have you seen that episode of South Park? It's pretty recent, when Stan and Kyle and a bunch of the other boys keep bursting into tears at the memory of Speilberg and Lucas raping Indiana Jones. It's so so funny when you watch it, and then it's not funny when it happens to something you truly care about!

I love fantasy books. Mostly childrens' ones as I find adult fantasy is usually very poorly written. But there's this one grown-up series, The Sword of Truth, that I particularly enjoy and I've been dying for it to be a TV show, because then they wouldn't have to cut anything. Well, now they have made a TV show. They named it The Legend of the Seeker which is complete and utter bullshit--TO START WITH. I can't even go INTO the rest without wanting to throw everything and throw up! But I will a little, to show the kind of thing that pisses me off:

-The main character is not tall or big when that's always how he is described. And his eyes aren't hawk-like or grey.

-The main woman doesn't have green eyes or black hair, and her dress doesn't have a square-shaped neckline. Is that SO hard to make????

-The story is completely fucked. Like characters who were supposed to know each other for life are strangers until the first episode, they say that the wizard hid the seeker from birth knowing he was the seeker--not true!--and the father was supposed to be dead in the beginning!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH there's so much more! The magic is all wrong, the lines are all wrong, the bad guys are ALL wrong, they completely changed the story! The characters are on a different journey than the one in the book! There aren't even the fucking boxes of Orden for fuck's sake!!!

Okay. On to another obsession. Inkheart by Cornelia Funke. The Sword of Truth series is for grown ups, not very well written, though captivating, and it ended horribly. So I can try to be okay with that. Nobody who hasn't read the books will watch it anyway. But Inkheart is for children. Kids who have read the books will not be strong enough to keep the memories of the REAL story, settings, characters and descriptions in their little heads, and all of their wonderful imaginations will be tarnished by the piece of shit movie! And little kids who are too fucking lazy to read will watch the piece of shit movie and think that's enough, think it's all right, but it's wrong. IT'S WRONG!

I just saw the trailer for Inkheart and they've DESTROYED everything in the book! It's well casted, I'll admit, and it looks cool, but that's just the problem--they have enough that's the same to pass it off as the movie version of the book, but IT'S NOT! IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE BASED ON THE BOOK!

And this is just after the trailer! The movie is going to kill me! It's hard enough with Harry Potter--do you know how many people don't read the books because they can "just see the movie?" One would be way too many, but it's so much more than one. It's probably more than half. More than half the people in the world. That's disgusting. When I say "Harry Potter" in any given situation, most people would say "seen it" in some way or another--AS IF I'M REFERRING TO THE MOVIES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

I can't stand it! What's wrong with making movie versions of the books without changing anything? Cut shit, I understand that, even add things for all I care--but why can't you keep them the same?????

They can do ANYTHING in the movies nowadays! I don't understand why people think it's okay to read something and say "it would be better if this happened!" Well, I understand that it's okay to say that--but not if you have the fucking rights to the story!!!!!!!!

I feel like no matter how many exclamations I add, or however often I use capslock, noone is going to understand how frustrated and hurt I really am. So I'll just stop now. With this plea:

If you go see a movie that is "based on" a book, read the book first, and if the movie isn't the same, hate it. And encourage others to be the same. Please.

I Want It All (Ooh Yeah!)

Wow, I was all preachy, "you must blog!" and now it's been so long since I last blogged.

Sorry!

I keep bouncing back and forth between being completely depressed, mopey, unmotivated and lazy to energetic, productive, positive and "back in the game!"

It's hard to choose which one I really am. I'd settle for a happy medium--a place where I have a job and an apartment that I like and can afford respectively, and where I'm fairly motivated to write my album and audition, be energetic and eat well. I suppose that's completely the latter rather than the former. 

But seriously, y'all. What am I doing here? What the hell am I doing here? 

I keep bouncing back and forth between asking that question and answering it. 

I'm going to choose the positive. I'm here because I'm going to break into the film scene. I have until June. 

Here's what I need to do:

1. Find another job that pays well. Right now, I'm looking to be a server because it pays the best. Other than Nannying for which I am overfuckingqualified and for some reason, can't find a family. But serving happens at night which is better for auditioning anyway.

2. Find a place to live that is cheap, near some stuff, with people who aren't judgmental (ps, did you know that judgmental has no "e" as in judgE? I always thought it did. Go figure.) or dickheads.

3. Audition and get student films. Be in them and be amazing in them.

4. Get an agent and audition for stuff.

5. After being in a few student films, make a demo reel (a cheap one, somehow) to improve my chances of landing a gig in film or television.

All this has to be done while making enough money to pay off my debt. Also, I must get skinny really fast.

Now, all this is possible. It is. It is possible. I can have it if I want it. I have to remember that. If I want it to happen, if I make it happen, if I try--it will happen! I can have it all!

I WILL have it all!!!!!!!!!!!!

How are you?

Where Are We?

Seriously friends, where have we been?

So much is happening, I'm sure, so let's blog about it! I like you guys, I miss you guys, let's stay in touch for serious.

I'll start:

I'm not motivated again. All signs point to the fact that I'm a lazy person. Except when I'm with other people. I like being with other people more than being alone. Am I the only one who feels this way? No. But that doesn't change the fact that there's no one here.

So why am I here all by myself, you ask? Nobody asked that Heidi. I'll ask it, why am I here all by myself?  Well, it's because there are a lot of opportunities here that are not in Toronto even though I love Toronto. I also don't like everyone breathing down my neck about my debt all the time. I'm here to deal with it on my own and that's what I'm doing. I'm in the midst of getting a super sweet job that will cover rent, debt and then some. So that's good.  

I miss my man so so so so so much. But he misses me too, so that makes me happy. Both of us are well aware that "anything can happen" in a good way or a bad way or both, and we're trying to be okay with that. Well, he has threatened to kill anyone who "tries it on" with me (to which I responded "aaawww!") and I said I really don't want to know if he sleeps with any stupid girl who clearly is not remotely close to being as good as me at anything. I'm pretty sure I'm the loveliest person he'll ever meet.  So I'm confident. We're trying to work out how to see each other at Christmas and he actually said the words "I loved Christmas with your family," which made me beam for a couple hours. I think his parents will buy him a ticket to Toronto for Christmas/birthday/graduation.  That would rock because I have no money to help him. So Christmastime will be another dream come true!

There's not enough theatre here. I really do need to lose weight and audition for films more than ever.  It's making me nervous. But you'd think that my lack of cash should work well with my need to eat less. Right? Right. I need to do non-paying student films and build up a demo-reel. Exciting.

Aaaaand, that's the best I gots for now. I need to go read my fantasy book to make me feel good and kind of escape from babysitting. Not that I don't like babysitting, but I like escaping from any work that isn't performing. It'll always be that way.

Oh no, wait, I have one more thing:

I love watching The Office, the US version. I obviously love the UK version more, it's the original, and it's genius. But the US version has more because that's what Americans are like. More of a mediocre quality instead of less genius quality. It's okay though, because the love story is really good and I've really grown attached to the characters. But now I've seen them all and I literally have to wait for episodes to come out like some common peasant.

Okay, now you blog.

Alone Again

alone again
homeless again

I don't like this. I came here with someone, why am I alone? I don't want this.

People partner up and stay together. I don't like doing things conventionally, but that's one convention I'd love to follow. I want a partner and I want to live with him. How is this a lot to ask?

He says we're lucky, blessed to have had 7 whole weeks together, to have found each other at all. He's right. I like that. I want him back.

I don't understand where he is. Where I am. I came back to the place I've been coming back to for the past 5 weeks and there's no big man to greet me. No one to poke me, no one to tickle me, no one to kiss me, no one to cook for, no one to tease, no one to beat at poker, no one

God I Hope I Get It

Jesus Christ Superstar am I experiencing some mega vampires!!! I have an audition for A Chorus Line today. What the fuck? I cannot dance good enough to be in a musical!

Or can I?

...No I can't!!!

That's what's going on in my head right now. Okay, it's slightly easier (for me) to rock a Fosse type number, but if I have to jump or do any sort of...real dancing, I'm going to die.

Here's another problem: no one will read this til after the audition! LAME! I need the support!

I'm just going to straighten my hair, get my song in order, print off my headshot and resume, choose a random outfit and be on my way. In 4 hours. That's enough time. Enough time to learn to dance like a dancer.

Also, this is a real paying gig. Like a good one. So even if I get chorus, that's wicked, right? I mean it's not as cool as getting a chorus part in ANY OTHER SHOW, but whatever, I get paid to perform every night! Then everyone who works with me will learn how hilarious I am and how great I am to work with and what a good singer I am, and I'll get cast for the next show that isn't so dancy dancy.

Okay, vampire not killed, but live-withable.

ps why the fuck is [title of show] closing? What are we going to do without it?

Weirdest Day Ever

So I'm in Vancouver with my man, exploring, enjoying, oohing and aahing, auditioning and canoodling...you get it.

Well, everything's normal, everything had a routine, but like, EG didn't have any friends except me and I get to at least meet children, parents and auditioners. So he's happy with me and stuff, but he didn't have anyone else--you can get cabin fever, you know?

ps, I'm a little tipsy.

So today, EG needed to watch a specific football (as in Soccer) game on TV and as we searched from pub to pub, he found this man and his wife looking for the same game.

Long story short, these guys were RICH and WEIRD! He's like early 40s and she's like 60 something!!! She comes from money and he's a dentist from England, they've lived everywhere in the world, they're just visiting here, they're about to go to Alaska...what the fuck. She had enough of his drinking and goes to their hotel, he gets my honey wasted as they accent it up and I go and babysit! Then he takes us to his hotel bar, for which I was way underdressed and EG tells me he's been given a substance to hold on to...I'm confused.

Need to blog properly when I'm not making an athlete his 3rd meal of the day at 11pm.

Loving my Lovah/Snow White and the Seven Sins

My English Gentleman is seriously wicked. I am loving him up.

I'm reeeeeeeeeally scared about what's going to happen when he leaves to do his masters. We don't even know if we can see each other at Christmas.

Neenia and I got married, does everyone know that? We didn't marry each other, we married "What If." Evidently, "What If" and Neenia and I are meant to be together. Neenia has always loved "What If," I tried to talk her out of the arrangement as I think "What If" is not good for anyone, in fact, "What If" is kind of the devil. I didn't want anything do to with "What If" and I pushed him aside whenever he reared his ugly head. But rear his ugly head he did, and rather relentlessly too. In New York, with Neenia's sneaky help, I finally gave in to "What If." We were married that night and I haven't been able to close the floodgates since.

What if he sleeps with someone else? I'm sure he will! What if he sleeps with lots of people? What if one of those people gives him a disease that he doesn't find out about until it's too late? What if one of those chicks is kinkier than me and he leaves me for her? What if all of those chicks are skinnier than me and he leaves me because it's clear that he can be with skinnier local girls whenever he wants? What if my what-iffing makes me so unbearably girly that he never wants to see me again and he sees that every other girl in the world is lower maintenance than I am? What if I get fatter while he's away and the next time I see him he no longer finds me attractive? What if he finds someone smarter than me? What if neither of us make enough money to visit so he just gives up? What if he makes money and I don't so he doesn't think it's worth it anymore? What if I'm trying to save money and pay off my debt so can't call him every day, or any day and we're never on the computer at the same time and he forgets about me? What if he gets a job in one city and I get a job in another city, and they're both dream jobs?

These things are SO FUCKING LIKELY. How am I supposed to feel about that?

I really love him. Let's "What If" the good stuff.

What if he's so busy doing his masters that he doesn't really have time to meet new girls? What if we both save just enough to see each other at Christmas? What if he makes it all the way until next August without sleeping with, or at least falling in love with another girl and we end up moving to the same city? What if he really does love me?

He has said to me "If this works out, it won't always be like this. You'll know. You'll have security."

When I have security, I can tell "What If" to fuck off and die once and for all.

**********

As mentioned, I'm writing a 3-day novel. Starting tomorrow. It's going to be the gothic-opera-ballet that I wanted to produce. Snow White and the Seven Sins. But now it will be in novel form. I'm really excited about it! Should it be a happy ending? Should the sins end up doing her good or, as their very nature implies, bad?

I'm heading in Vampire-free and I'm shakin-bakin!

By the seaside, oh! By the beautiful sea!

There's too much to tell! I don't know what to tell...

I spent two weeks on a hippie island with my lovah and my now-married, somewhat chemically-affected, close friend, my fellow Mermaid. I've lost her forever, I know that now. She's someone else completely. It happens...

Now my lovah and I are in Vancouver, the poshest part of town, Yaletown! And we are loving pretending to be rich, like we can actually afford to live here.

I still have 31 days left with my lovely Englishman and we couldn't be happier. Well, that's not true, I'd be happier if I had security. But I'm pretty happy. Like reeeeally really happy. He's here, I can't complain at all!

For labour day weekend, we're entering a 3-day novel competition! it's going to be gruelling and exciting and nervewracking and fun! I can't wait! EG's freaking out a bit...

I have an audition tomorrow, I'm also babysitting, I also have an interview to babysit for another lady. In reverse order. Big day! I also have to go to the gym...The audition is a capella. Lame, I like accompanists.

I can't think of what else to say. My head is killing me because birth control is satan's drug of choice. It's so evil, my body can't wait to go off it. But being off it means I lose my man. Not an option for my body, soul, mind, heart.

I miss my friends and family!

I'll write more soon.

okay, so I can't do titles on my blog anymore because it comes out coded! it's pissing me off!

a bunch of little/big things:

- I had a dream that Neenia was driving me and two mystery people around Japan/Korea. I called my friend who's already in Japan right now to say hello and she was like "wicked, let's meet at the beach." Neenia was driving like a maniac! over dunes and into children! But we had fun.

- I am the girl from 27 dresses! wtf? here are some thoughts on weddings: weddings cost a lot; it's hard to be unique when it comes to universal tradition; one girl doesn't need 3 showers, a bachelorette party, a jack and jill and a sleepover the night before; in my recollection, the sleepover the night before is the most fun; weddings cost too much; I want to sign the registry!; wedding gifts suck when you're poor and people's expectations are unreasonable; 5 weddings. one year.

- I told Neenia this: I'm afraid to tell people anything bad about EG because I'm worried they'll just say "ahh, then ditch him." No, we're not in the ditching phase anymore! it would take something HUGE to break us up! So if we have a problem, assume we're going to get over it very soon, I would just like your opinion on the best way to do that!

- I need a freaking haircut! I look like a bushpig.

- I love clean slates! that's so bad because I might just spend my whole life running away from dirty slates looking for clean ones...not a good idea! But I have a really good feeling about this one! And I'm using it to wipe away my old one!

- My breath is horrible because I drank Alabama Slammers last night. You have to order them like this: "Alabama Slamma" and I made my friend order like that and the girl didn't hear so it was really funny when she had to repeat it clearly!

- I need to pack! stop distracting me! I can't do things like pack or clean without company. I don't need help, I just need you to SIT there! come on over!!!

- I miss doin' stuff with Skinny! We need to make an internet show where we do stuff but we're too far away!

Enough for now, I think...

It seems as if I'm lacking in motivation. But that can't be true, can it? I have all the reasons in the world to achieve my goals! For example, if it was my goal to murder someone, the detectives would say "her motivation was that he raped and pillaged her village." That's the strength of my motivation.

What I lack is drive, right? So like this dude destroys my whole village and I, instead of killing him--albeit, a dangerous plan that would take a lot of work and time--I sit on the fucking couch watching What Not to Wear eating a lot of cheese and bread.

My motivation for doing the things I want it huge. HUGE! What's stopping me from...doing them?! Surely the thought of not doing them is the worst case scenario, right? Clearly, I'm lazy like an old french whore. Je suis whore.

Well, I like to think it's outside influence getting in my head. And that debt thing. So I'm going to BC, with a clean slate there and a lot of monetary issues to deal with here. I'm hoping that if I deal with them from abroad, I can detatch myself from the emotional aspects of moolah while exploring a new place and creating art there. It's just so easy to put on a show. It's just so easy to write songs. It's so easy so find an agent. That's what I'm telling myself because that's what I'm going to do when I get to the West Coast. Those motherfucking vampires, like Neenia's, will die like...motherfuckers.

*****

I saw a movie last night called "Reign Over Me" starring Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler. Liv Tyler was also in it, she played a Psychologist (is that the kind sans meds? like just the therapist kind. that's her). I thougt she was good in it, but her character just bugged me a teeny tiny bit. Like she was being just a little too understanding, just a little bit patronising. She said the patient's name too much, know what I mean? Well, when I went to bed, I started imagining myself talking to a therapist a lot like Liv. And in my mind, I couldn't stop talking. There's SO MUCH going on in my mind! So much, man! Things I haven't thought about in years, things that happened yesterday, good things, bad things, food, money, love, new friends, old friends, not friends, hair, babies, jealousy, laziness, drugs, trips, parents, cats, aunts, uncles, smoking, houses, weddings, apartments, mess, laundry, books, when I was 12, the fact that I'm 25...so much. That's a veeeeeeery general overview of my thoughts. I could go on for pages about each thing and there are more things. I know I'm not unique in this. I know everyone is filled with thoughts. But how the fuck do people file everything away? I have this problem where I need to talk about things. When I do, the info gets sorted. Though I communicate often and freely, I think all the crap in my brain is stuff I haven't talked about, or I have, but with the wrong people. I feel like I've been forgetting something since I was seven years old. I'm on the plane and I'm about to shout "KEVIN" but right now, I don't know what it is I'm forgetting. I know it's important, like my son. It's killing me! I need to talk to someone! I bet everyone wants to talk to someone.

I would love some therapy.

rhymingscheme

How do you make me feel this way?
How can someone so far away
Remain at the forefront of my mind for so long?
My body rushing, dancing, flying,
Laughing, singing, floating, crying
Out "my love is everstrong!"

Never known a definite this sure,
Continuous explosions somehow pure-
Ly make their way out from my core.
My core, that molten-lava place,
Melted from your eyes-closed happy face
You make when you can't take much more.

That face that holds that mouth affects me so.
Two lips apart, mirroring my "oh,"
As I fall deeper, harder into you.
That image found it's clever way to sear
Itself upon my memory last year
And nothing short of death can wipe it clear.
So I love you still while you're not here.
It isn't sensical or planned out - but I do.

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

That's right. I said it. I copied Susan. And I meant it. That's what I plan to do from now on. copy-cat. it'll work. I'll turn it into an art.

in other news, I'm gonna have a concert. somehow. someday. somewhere. probably a couple sundays from now at the savannah lounge.

when my oldest friend and I were little, there was this girl named Savannah who was younger than us and she used to follow us around and she was SO annoying! You know when someone/something is annoying and you either roll your eyes or drop your head back...I don't know why either is an instinct, but there you go. So my friend and I, every time we saw her, we'd throw our heads back. Then we decided anytime we heard her name we had to do the same. In any context. Which is kind of funny, because when are you gonna hear "Savannah" when it's not about that one girl in our hood? And now I go to the Savannah Lounge once a month and I have to do the head thing every time I say/hear it.

Also, You know how people pronounce "well" like "wull?" Like if you ask someone why they don't want to go out and they say "wull, So You Think You Can Dance is on!" Well, we don't like that pronunciation so we have to do the head thing when people say "wull" too. We still do it.

Speaking of So You Think You Can Dance, I don't think I can, not well, but how I love it! I love Comfort and Will. There's just something about Comfort, and everybody loves Will.

Speaking of Love, I love EG. He's being so wonderful. He's magnificent. We're finally going to spend time together. Like real time. We're going to live somewhere new to both of us for almost two months. I'm excited and scared and thrilled and happy and not surprised! I love this feeling. I love being in love. I really do.

That wasn't my [title of show] but I can think of little else. Except my fantasy book. another blog for another day I guess.

ps I love magic.