okay, so I can't do titles on my blog anymore because it comes out coded! it's pissing me off!

a bunch of little/big things:

- I had a dream that Neenia was driving me and two mystery people around Japan/Korea. I called my friend who's already in Japan right now to say hello and she was like "wicked, let's meet at the beach." Neenia was driving like a maniac! over dunes and into children! But we had fun.

- I am the girl from 27 dresses! wtf? here are some thoughts on weddings: weddings cost a lot; it's hard to be unique when it comes to universal tradition; one girl doesn't need 3 showers, a bachelorette party, a jack and jill and a sleepover the night before; in my recollection, the sleepover the night before is the most fun; weddings cost too much; I want to sign the registry!; wedding gifts suck when you're poor and people's expectations are unreasonable; 5 weddings. one year.

- I told Neenia this: I'm afraid to tell people anything bad about EG because I'm worried they'll just say "ahh, then ditch him." No, we're not in the ditching phase anymore! it would take something HUGE to break us up! So if we have a problem, assume we're going to get over it very soon, I would just like your opinion on the best way to do that!

- I need a freaking haircut! I look like a bushpig.

- I love clean slates! that's so bad because I might just spend my whole life running away from dirty slates looking for clean ones...not a good idea! But I have a really good feeling about this one! And I'm using it to wipe away my old one!

- My breath is horrible because I drank Alabama Slammers last night. You have to order them like this: "Alabama Slamma" and I made my friend order like that and the girl didn't hear so it was really funny when she had to repeat it clearly!

- I need to pack! stop distracting me! I can't do things like pack or clean without company. I don't need help, I just need you to SIT there! come on over!!!

- I miss doin' stuff with Skinny! We need to make an internet show where we do stuff but we're too far away!

Enough for now, I think...

It seems as if I'm lacking in motivation. But that can't be true, can it? I have all the reasons in the world to achieve my goals! For example, if it was my goal to murder someone, the detectives would say "her motivation was that he raped and pillaged her village." That's the strength of my motivation.

What I lack is drive, right? So like this dude destroys my whole village and I, instead of killing him--albeit, a dangerous plan that would take a lot of work and time--I sit on the fucking couch watching What Not to Wear eating a lot of cheese and bread.

My motivation for doing the things I want it huge. HUGE! What's stopping me from...doing them?! Surely the thought of not doing them is the worst case scenario, right? Clearly, I'm lazy like an old french whore. Je suis whore.

Well, I like to think it's outside influence getting in my head. And that debt thing. So I'm going to BC, with a clean slate there and a lot of monetary issues to deal with here. I'm hoping that if I deal with them from abroad, I can detatch myself from the emotional aspects of moolah while exploring a new place and creating art there. It's just so easy to put on a show. It's just so easy to write songs. It's so easy so find an agent. That's what I'm telling myself because that's what I'm going to do when I get to the West Coast. Those motherfucking vampires, like Neenia's, will die like...motherfuckers.

*****

I saw a movie last night called "Reign Over Me" starring Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler. Liv Tyler was also in it, she played a Psychologist (is that the kind sans meds? like just the therapist kind. that's her). I thougt she was good in it, but her character just bugged me a teeny tiny bit. Like she was being just a little too understanding, just a little bit patronising. She said the patient's name too much, know what I mean? Well, when I went to bed, I started imagining myself talking to a therapist a lot like Liv. And in my mind, I couldn't stop talking. There's SO MUCH going on in my mind! So much, man! Things I haven't thought about in years, things that happened yesterday, good things, bad things, food, money, love, new friends, old friends, not friends, hair, babies, jealousy, laziness, drugs, trips, parents, cats, aunts, uncles, smoking, houses, weddings, apartments, mess, laundry, books, when I was 12, the fact that I'm 25...so much. That's a veeeeeeery general overview of my thoughts. I could go on for pages about each thing and there are more things. I know I'm not unique in this. I know everyone is filled with thoughts. But how the fuck do people file everything away? I have this problem where I need to talk about things. When I do, the info gets sorted. Though I communicate often and freely, I think all the crap in my brain is stuff I haven't talked about, or I have, but with the wrong people. I feel like I've been forgetting something since I was seven years old. I'm on the plane and I'm about to shout "KEVIN" but right now, I don't know what it is I'm forgetting. I know it's important, like my son. It's killing me! I need to talk to someone! I bet everyone wants to talk to someone.

I would love some therapy.

rhymingscheme

How do you make me feel this way?
How can someone so far away
Remain at the forefront of my mind for so long?
My body rushing, dancing, flying,
Laughing, singing, floating, crying
Out "my love is everstrong!"

Never known a definite this sure,
Continuous explosions somehow pure-
Ly make their way out from my core.
My core, that molten-lava place,
Melted from your eyes-closed happy face
You make when you can't take much more.

That face that holds that mouth affects me so.
Two lips apart, mirroring my "oh,"
As I fall deeper, harder into you.
That image found it's clever way to sear
Itself upon my memory last year
And nothing short of death can wipe it clear.
So I love you still while you're not here.
It isn't sensical or planned out - but I do.

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

That's right. I said it. I copied Susan. And I meant it. That's what I plan to do from now on. copy-cat. it'll work. I'll turn it into an art.

in other news, I'm gonna have a concert. somehow. someday. somewhere. probably a couple sundays from now at the savannah lounge.

when my oldest friend and I were little, there was this girl named Savannah who was younger than us and she used to follow us around and she was SO annoying! You know when someone/something is annoying and you either roll your eyes or drop your head back...I don't know why either is an instinct, but there you go. So my friend and I, every time we saw her, we'd throw our heads back. Then we decided anytime we heard her name we had to do the same. In any context. Which is kind of funny, because when are you gonna hear "Savannah" when it's not about that one girl in our hood? And now I go to the Savannah Lounge once a month and I have to do the head thing every time I say/hear it.

Also, You know how people pronounce "well" like "wull?" Like if you ask someone why they don't want to go out and they say "wull, So You Think You Can Dance is on!" Well, we don't like that pronunciation so we have to do the head thing when people say "wull" too. We still do it.

Speaking of So You Think You Can Dance, I don't think I can, not well, but how I love it! I love Comfort and Will. There's just something about Comfort, and everybody loves Will.

Speaking of Love, I love EG. He's being so wonderful. He's magnificent. We're finally going to spend time together. Like real time. We're going to live somewhere new to both of us for almost two months. I'm excited and scared and thrilled and happy and not surprised! I love this feeling. I love being in love. I really do.

That wasn't my [title of show] but I can think of little else. Except my fantasy book. another blog for another day I guess.

ps I love magic.

Showtime?

So...I just had a sex dream about Skinny Rabbit. It was intense, and it was good. Really good. Actually, we never got to the sex, we were interrupted, but the foreplay promised the most intense sex of my life.

Superstar

I want to write good music and make a good album. I really do. I want a whole Princesse Alathariel album, self titled, 11 amazing tracks plus a secret a capella song. I want the songs to make people feel, think, sing along, light candles and meditate, listen to it in their cars, share with their friends and possibly dance. I want to record it in a proper studio with proper producers and musicians. I want it to be found at HMV. I want to be on youtube and Wikipedia. I don't care if it's platinum, if it never reaches Jagged Little Pill status. I don't care if I don't get nominated for best new artist at the Junos or the Grammys. But I want most people to say: "Princesse Alathariel? Yeah, I heard her, I really liked her album." And I want a few people to say: "Have you heard of Princesse Alathariel? You'd really like her album. Especially track 4." I want about 13 or 14 young women in each province to listen to my album with their eyes closed and really feel like I wrote it for them, or that they truly know me. I want like 50 guys to think "that Alathariel is pretty hot." or "cute." I don't want anyone to think I'm whiny or imposing or pretentious. I want to make a decent amount of money with this album, enough to get me by and make the producers happy that they helped me make it. I don't want to sell out. I want a few other musicians to respect me and jam with me a bit. I want to go on a small Canadian tour, either opening for a group, or sharing the headline with a few other similar artists. I want the album to provide opportunities for me, like my almost household name convincing a director to put me in a show without auditioning. I want to be recognised once a week, not by screaming fans, or even fans. I want to do a radio interview and play a song over the radio. I want to inspire people, even if it just makes someone put flowers in their hair. I want my mom, my friends, my lovah, my favourite teachers to be proud of me. I want to be part of it all. I want to write good music and make a good album.

Let's Do It

So, I'm not very lucky this year. Not really.

I had to move back in with my mom because I couldn't afford rent--not bad luck, I know, it's my fault, but it was sort of circumstantial...

I got toxic shock syndrome from spirit gum on my nipples when doing a burlesque show.

One of my very best friends moved away to BC and is getting married.

I'm a part of five weddings this year--none of them mine.

I can't see EG all summer.

My eyes and cheeks are as big as tennis balls and I don't know why and they won't go down.

Now, all of this may not seem so bad, but some of them are long term; debt, no EG, no friend in BC, no wedding. Okay, the no wedding one isn't bad luck either, it might actually be good luck. But it's not easy to watch everyone around you getting married, singing at their weddings and smiling through it all. Of course I'm happy for them, but I have a very jealous nature.

On the plus side, this year I've already been to New Brunswick and I'm going to New York and later BC and I'm hoping EG will invite me to either Cyprus or England for Christmas. Can't afford any of it, but there you go. Also, I just had the BEST two weeks with EG. Definitely the best time we've ever spent together. It was perfect. Much, much, much needed sex, and kinky sex at that, fun in the sun at the cottage, playing monopoly, good times at the zoo, lot's of comedy from England, the Beatles, and more laughter than ever before. Oh, and a lot of really hot sex.

But again, I look like a pug, so it's hard to feel very happy.

I just wanted to blog again. Let's get into that. I never see anyone--Neenia, it's up to us!--and I wanna know what's going on. Does anyone else have blowfish eyes?

seriously ya'll, kiss

I'm so fucking horny right now. I'm begging skinny to stick it in me.

I think it's a full moon or something.

I need it.

My Second Home

I loooooooooooooove it there. I love eyes on me. I love applause.

Is that wrong? Arrogant? Cheesy?

I don't care. It's fucking hot. I don't ever get the chance to feel so alive unless I'm being fucked. And it would have to be good to match the feeling. Like hair-pulling, ass-slapping, name-calling good fucking.

ALIVE! AT HOME! AT LAST!

My Copy Cat List

Things that make me happy:

A good blog.
Getting a day off work--even if it means having a horrible fever.
Reading crappy fantasy.
Prequels.
Soup when you're sick.
Getting mail.
When my cat sits on my chest.
Knowing someone so well you can say "you would."
EG's choice of words making me giggle, making him laugh, making me giggle again.
Chocolate almonds with Neenia.
Girly sleepovers with my fellow Mermaid.
Harry Potter.
When sim-Alathariel has a baby with sim-EG.
Learning to cook a new meal.
Getting something done.
Moving into a new house.
Being on stage.
Being backstage.
Scrubs.
Hanging out with Neenia and Skinny Rabbit and knowing it's absolutely necessary to perform all of RENT for ourselves.
Finding out that [title of show] is going to Broadway.
Writing a good song.
Getting a message from EG.
Planning what I'd do with a million dollars.
Camping.
Dressing up in costumes.
Speaking with an accent.
Reading good children's fantasy.
The superman symbol.
Knowing I'm going to live in England one day.
Listening to the Beatles.
Eating pasta.
Gruyeres cheese.
Magic.

Write your own!

Get Me OUT!

When is it going to stop?

I'm so sick of being ashamed of myself! I'm so sick of being panicked!

Shouldn't we put this in perspective? I'm not addicted to drugs. I'm not an alcoholic. I didn't get into a car crash, killing or injuring people. I haven't started or been a part of any wars. I didn't burn anyone's favourite book. I didn't steal anyone's boyfriend. I've never kidnapped anyone. I didn't even get an STD on my crazy year in Europe.

All I did was borrow a lot of money to go to theatre school and, because it's theatre school, have not been able to pay it back. It's not even that much money! But when the all want it back at the same time, how is that possible? It's not.

So I have to live with feeling bad until it's completely gone, and live with panic for most of that time, too.

in the words (and style) of e. e. cummings

l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness

A NEW New Song

After spending all of yesterday crying, I was quite drained of all things heavy. I wrote this simple song.


you bring the back up and I'll bring the tune
and we'll sit together one hot afternoon
we don't need a threepiece, we don't need a drum
just play guitar while I hum

you bring the melody, I'll bring the voice
the weather is perfect, the company's choice
I don't need make up, you don't need a shirt
just play guitar while I flirt

you bring the bass line and I'll bring the song
it's a duet so you should sing along
we don't need money and we don't need plans
just play guitar while I dance

you bring the rhythm and I'll bring the blues
we'll turn off our phones and we'll take off our shoes
we don't need much, no we don't need a lot
all that we need we have already got
as long as you're near me, I don't need a thing
just play guitar while I sing


I find it funny because plans and dance barely rhyme when I sing it, but if an Englishman were to sing it, it wouldn't rhyme at all!

I like singing. It makes me feel good. It's important. People don't know it. They're trying to fill holes in the world with money. They see a hole in the world and they fill it with more money and wonder why there are still holes. I know you can fill it with art. It's okay if they don't, because I don't understand the money part. We'll each do our duty. I know my duty is art, even if it goes unnappreciated by the money people. I know it's important. I know it's helping all of us. Even if the money people send me to the street, I'll keep singing and the world will be better for it.

That's what I need to do...not be selfish. I know it seems like art is selfish but I know it's not. I'm going to try and dedicate today to making other people smile (I sound so preachy--there's still a racist homophobe who makes fun of AIDS in here, don't worry...) to see how it feels and then I'll try to do that forever. I'm also going for a jog today. Is it possible for people to change so drastically this quickly? I might as well try.

ps this has been the blog of a crazy person, obviously. I'm just SO weighed down right now, by so many different things, I'm finding it hard to be myself!!!

The (other) Romance Song

when a girl asks you what you're thinking
you should always say "about you,
about your eyes, your smile, and your tiny waist
oh i love you!"

but when i ask you what you're thinking
you say "nothing, nothing at all."
then you grin that vacant boy grin
and you wonder why i am appalled.

but you say
"romance can't be found in three little words
or in flowers or diamonds on a ring.
roses aren't gonna tell you how i feel."
you know i hate it when you're right
and i love picking fights.

why don't you just say what i wanna hear?

what do you think it means to be happy?
how do you think that i should react
when my best friends all become brides?
i'm running out of tact!

i don't hear "dear, i'll always be with you
'cause our love is the forever kind!"
though you care, i compare when i'm drowning in couples
there's no out of sight out of mind.

and you say
"romance can't be found in three little words
or in flowers or diamonds on a ring.
roses aren't gonna tell you how i feel."
you know i hate it when you're right
and i love picking fights

why don't you just say what i wanna hear?

when i step back i see that i'm happy,
i just glow and i know that it's always for you!
you don't need to feed my girly obsessions--
i only want you.

if you tell me all of your secrets
if you let me in on the joke
if you make me your partner in crime
i'll make you the worlds happiest bloke.

i know romance can't be found in three little words
or in flowers or diamonds on a ring
roses aren't gonna tell me how you feel
i know you're always right
i won't put up a fight

what you say is just what i wanna hear.

My Swiss Family

I didn't mention this on any blog, but I lost my hotmail and facebook accounts a lot of months ago! It's kind of a good thing because I don't have to re-add all my old grade school "friends" but it's a HORRIBLE thing because it means I lost so many contacts, especially my SWISS FAMILY who I've been dying to talk to for so long!!!!!!!!!!!!

My overseas friends, please contact me at my new email address riceclaire@gmail.com or on skype! I added you, but you haven't accepted, I guess you're never on it.

I miss you all so so much! I'm desperate to know how everyone's doing, how big the kiddies are, if the house is finished, everything! Please let me know! I love you!

Learn From My Triumphs, Not My Mistakes

Dude, when you like, do stuff, and get shit done, shit gets done and it feels good!

I should do this more often.

I Want

I'm a little self absorbed. A lot. I'm an actress. I think it's in my blood. I'm also absorbed in the people around me, the ones I like anyway. If I weren't in a hole, I'd focus on making all of our lives better.



I'm confused about what I want. I'm craving permanance and excitement at the same time. Thrills and reassurance. I can't have that. Like...I was thinking of "stuff" I want and one of the first things I thought of was a home. I want a place to be my permanant home. My life is so temporary. I want my place with my things in my neighbourhood. With EG. Who feels like home. But then I think about it, and I don't care where I live. I want to travel, I want to live everywhere and anywhere. I do want to be with EG. With him, I'll have security everywhere I go. I'll have thrills within reassurance.



I want babies. I really don't want babies. (note to all blogging buddies who don't want babies at all--don't judge, we're all different! I feel a really strong pull and it's coming from my uterus. Deal with it.) I really do because in my mind, a family represents a part of my life where I have my shit together. I really don't because I'm not ready and most of me doesn't need my shit together! It's the rest of the world telling me how I have to be!



I don't want to work, but I really want to feel like I'm accomplishing something, paying off my debt by myself, taking care of myself and my life (and my cat).



I want to get skinny but I want the world to love me the way I look now. (that's an old one, but it will aply forever.)



I want to go to England, but I want EG to come here.



I want to go back to school and get my masters in Scotland but I want to start my career right now and never be a student again.



I want to be my best friend's maid of honour, but I want her to be mine! I'm completely resigned to the fact that I won't be getting married for a long time, I'm happy with it, but I'm so jealous that how can I be happy with it???



I really just want to live off the land, go swimming every day, make art and music, learn to cook, stroll into an orchard and grab a peach, drink interesting red wine and dance after twilight in a flowy dress. Is there a way to live like that?


There's a line in Cabaret: Suppose simply keeping still means you manage until the end.

What I don't want is to survive my life keeping still. I want to live my life. I want to move. So I guess I need to suffer sometimes. It means I'm living.

*Next blog, I'll talk about other people...

This Side of February

Wow, it's been a really long time, but I'm kind of tapped out. Everything I feel like writing about, I've already written about.

You know I love EG, you know I love performing, you know I'm broke. That's pretty much my life right now...

I'm in a bit of a rut, as you know, but feeling good about it. I'm moving in with my mom again! I'm excited! It's going to be such fun, we're going to redecorate all three bedrooms (and I'm going to convince her to do the living room too...) and it'll be an awesome bonding experience before I go away with my man for the summer. I can save, pay off debt, chill with my home-homeys, bogart my mom's long distance plan, eat 3 meals a day--oh my god, my mom and I can exercise together! I'm going to get the fuck in shape! Sweet. Yes, I'm really looking forward to March. It's going to be a good month.

This is a good month too. I'm a performer. I love it. It makes me horny. I want to do it forever.

EG wants me to do it forever. He's so supportive. He said he gets breathless thinking about the show and really feels he's missing out by not seeing it. He can only afford 100 pounds for a plane ticket, but the cheapest I could find is 200. (Couldn't I have found that in December?) I miss him so much. Waking up without him is the hardest. Going to bed has been easy because I'm so tired, but I want him in the morning. It has a bigger effect on me than the winter's lack of sunlight. I feel actual heartache. I hope my absence makes his heart grow fonder. I think it is. It's funny, I kind of miss being in his bed more than I miss him being in my bed. I loved it there. But that might simply have to do with the fact that I had no responsibilities when I was there. I love taking care of him, but I don't have the means! When we go on vacation, it'll be every man for himself. Well, I've kind of decided that he'll pay for the food and I'll cook it and eat a fifth of what he eats. Fair? I think so.

Well, that's my new blog. Incoherent mumbling, unorganised rambling, girly prattling. You love me.

How do you feel, Alathariel?

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i love him.

Mini Me

I had a dream that I had a baby girl. My cousins and I were taking pictures of her, "ooh she's so cute!" ing her, saying how much she looked like me. Well, she was me. It was weird. I know what I looked like when I was a baby, so naturally that's what a dream baby of mine would look like. She was adorable. In my dream she was nearly two. (When people become parents, they count the baby's months until the kid is 4 years old. It's annoying.)

Dreams have huge impacts on our lives. I want a baby. I did before, but seeing this wonderful little mini me made me want one more.

But ...psychologists might say that I want my childhood back. And I do. I want to be new again (to quote Adaptation).

But... also, I just want a baby. I want my little girl. I think Isabella. Or Isabelle. Izzie, either way. And I want my little boy who is nameless at the moment but he will be a mini EG. Who wouldn't want a mini EG? My little gentlman and little lady. Life will certainly be so good. It's so good now, but babies would give me something more. Being a nanny all the time shows me how wonderful it is to have kids. Once, the mom in Switzerland, who seemed pretty stressed about the day to day mundane-ness that is work, was playing with her baby and she suddenly said: "Oh, have kids, Alathariel, it's the best thing that will ever happen to you."

I want the best thing that will ever happen to me!