This just in, EG hasn't slept with anyone else. Because he hasn't wanted to! Sigh.
In just 46 hours, I'll be in his bed. And he'll be in me.
I'm going to surprise him when I get there. I told him I'll be at the station at 9:30, but really, I'll be there an hour before that and then I'll cab it to his house, strip and slip under the covers with him. Then I will spend the next 6 days in heaven.
ps thanks for the advice on the L word. Girls are crazy, aren't they? But we only get scared because we know boys are crazy too.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
And That's The Word
I'm really into English Gentleman. Did you know that?
I think I would do anything he asked me. Is that bad? I mean, I don't think he'd ask me anything horrible like to kill someone or give up theatre. I'd do anything he would ask me. Is that bad?
I'm thinking about the word. That "love" word. It's weird, eh? How is it so powerful? Part of me needs it, needs to feel it, to say it, to hear it all the time. Part of me thinks it's just a word. And using it or not using it can't possibly have a big impact on any part of life. He knows I feel strongly about him. He knows I can't stop thinking about him. He knows I wouldn't deny him anything. Will he think differently if I throw the word "love" into the mix? I mean, it's the only word I know to express what I feel for him. After he says something particularly hot or cute or funny, saying "I love you" just follows naturally in my head.
I hate the word. But I love the word. I want to say it. I have a scene in my head of almost saying it a couple times, and he'll say "say it!" I don't know if I will or not. I really want to. But I also don't care. But I also really want to.
Should I?
I think I would do anything he asked me. Is that bad? I mean, I don't think he'd ask me anything horrible like to kill someone or give up theatre. I'd do anything he would ask me. Is that bad?
I'm thinking about the word. That "love" word. It's weird, eh? How is it so powerful? Part of me needs it, needs to feel it, to say it, to hear it all the time. Part of me thinks it's just a word. And using it or not using it can't possibly have a big impact on any part of life. He knows I feel strongly about him. He knows I can't stop thinking about him. He knows I wouldn't deny him anything. Will he think differently if I throw the word "love" into the mix? I mean, it's the only word I know to express what I feel for him. After he says something particularly hot or cute or funny, saying "I love you" just follows naturally in my head.
I hate the word. But I love the word. I want to say it. I have a scene in my head of almost saying it a couple times, and he'll say "say it!" I don't know if I will or not. I really want to. But I also don't care. But I also really want to.
Should I?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Giggles McGee
Guys, I'm dying here. I can't get enough of this. It's killing me. How is that possible? I guess if I can never get enough of something I think I need, I'd die. So that's how something so good can kill me.
I don't know what to do! He has never been in my bed before, but it feels so empty. He just doesn't stop saying amazing things. He doesn't stop being funny and cute and smart and perfect. I don't know what to do with myself.
I already blogged this, I know, so it's old news. But I can't think of anything else! I've been calculating, and in about a hundred and seventy hours, I will see him and then we'll be together for a hundred and sexty hours. Oh, a hundred and sixty. That was a genuine typo. He has football training on one of the nights though. So I can dish with Frenchie, except that she will be on her last week with her lovah. They are so cute. EG and I are obsessed with them. I'm much more sad for her than myself because she's going home after spending 9 months with him. But...he's going to visit her for all of August. EG is going to the states all summer.
I have fantasies about going home in September (a distinct possibility) and getting to visit with EG a couple of weekends, if he's in a northern state. Then asking him to come and stay with me for a week or two (or forever) before he goes back. There will probably be a party at the Neenia/Bedroom Prince/Skinny Rabbit pad (best house ever!) where he can meet all my friends. How will that go? My friends would all be swooning, I'm sure. We would need a bed though, that isn't in my mother's house... Because we work well in a bed. Not that we only work well in a bed. Like he said, he doesn't just like sleeping with me, he likes waking up with me. I feel so lucky that he likes waking up with me. I don't really blame him, I'm really fun to wake up with.
I'm nervous about the discussion we are going to have to have. The inevitable "what's going to happen now?" discussion. Because I'm going to have to say: "Okay, you're going to the states all summer. It's a fun summer trip to a place you've never been where you will be viewed as someone with superpowers just because of your accent, let alone the rest of your charming self. So do whatever you want and don't tell me anything." And I don't know what he's going to say.
OH! I just remembered. When I left him last time, he was waiting for the train to leave and I was sitting on the train writing in my journal. I knew he'd want to know what I wrote. He just asked me last night and I told him, though it was highly cheesy: "Oh EG, how I'll miss you. If I could write a song for you, I'd sing it every morning and always make everything okay. I dream of a world where we make sense. One where you don't need to roam, where I don't need my home. Where it rains when it's warm and we could kiss under street lamps every night. Where you stay awake as long as I need you to. Where I'm myself all the time and your people are my people. Where we can eat together and talk in interesting ways..."
And after I read him that, he said "All that stuff you mentioned, you're dangerously close to getting it."
Motherfucker, he's hot! He's so cute. I can't handle the cuteness and the hilarity that ensues when we talk. We just laugh so much! He has such a cute laugh! And when he gets started telling a funny story, he can't finish it because he's laughing too hard.
He had told me before that he's worried my excitement and passion for him will wane and he has every reason to believe that his will not. I asked him what the reasons were and he said he'd tell me when I got there. But I couldn't wait so I asked him again. He said one reason is that he's met a lot of people and none of them are like me. I don't know what that means, really, because none of them can possibly be like each other, right? But it's a big compliment and I took it with giggles. He's just worried my giggles will go away eventually and that will make us less magical (his words). I said, I don't know if I'll be giggling tomorrow. But I'm a giggly person. And he makes me feel other things too...I don't know how to comfort him. I can't say I'll be giggling forever. Chances are, if we get comfortable together, I'll be, well, comfortable. But it really does seem like he's going to win me over every day and that I will be giggling forever.
A hundred and sixty nine hours to go...
I don't know what to do! He has never been in my bed before, but it feels so empty. He just doesn't stop saying amazing things. He doesn't stop being funny and cute and smart and perfect. I don't know what to do with myself.
I already blogged this, I know, so it's old news. But I can't think of anything else! I've been calculating, and in about a hundred and seventy hours, I will see him and then we'll be together for a hundred and sexty hours. Oh, a hundred and sixty. That was a genuine typo. He has football training on one of the nights though. So I can dish with Frenchie, except that she will be on her last week with her lovah. They are so cute. EG and I are obsessed with them. I'm much more sad for her than myself because she's going home after spending 9 months with him. But...he's going to visit her for all of August. EG is going to the states all summer.
I have fantasies about going home in September (a distinct possibility) and getting to visit with EG a couple of weekends, if he's in a northern state. Then asking him to come and stay with me for a week or two (or forever) before he goes back. There will probably be a party at the Neenia/Bedroom Prince/Skinny Rabbit pad (best house ever!) where he can meet all my friends. How will that go? My friends would all be swooning, I'm sure. We would need a bed though, that isn't in my mother's house... Because we work well in a bed. Not that we only work well in a bed. Like he said, he doesn't just like sleeping with me, he likes waking up with me. I feel so lucky that he likes waking up with me. I don't really blame him, I'm really fun to wake up with.
I'm nervous about the discussion we are going to have to have. The inevitable "what's going to happen now?" discussion. Because I'm going to have to say: "Okay, you're going to the states all summer. It's a fun summer trip to a place you've never been where you will be viewed as someone with superpowers just because of your accent, let alone the rest of your charming self. So do whatever you want and don't tell me anything." And I don't know what he's going to say.
OH! I just remembered. When I left him last time, he was waiting for the train to leave and I was sitting on the train writing in my journal. I knew he'd want to know what I wrote. He just asked me last night and I told him, though it was highly cheesy: "Oh EG, how I'll miss you. If I could write a song for you, I'd sing it every morning and always make everything okay. I dream of a world where we make sense. One where you don't need to roam, where I don't need my home. Where it rains when it's warm and we could kiss under street lamps every night. Where you stay awake as long as I need you to. Where I'm myself all the time and your people are my people. Where we can eat together and talk in interesting ways..."
And after I read him that, he said "All that stuff you mentioned, you're dangerously close to getting it."
Motherfucker, he's hot! He's so cute. I can't handle the cuteness and the hilarity that ensues when we talk. We just laugh so much! He has such a cute laugh! And when he gets started telling a funny story, he can't finish it because he's laughing too hard.
He had told me before that he's worried my excitement and passion for him will wane and he has every reason to believe that his will not. I asked him what the reasons were and he said he'd tell me when I got there. But I couldn't wait so I asked him again. He said one reason is that he's met a lot of people and none of them are like me. I don't know what that means, really, because none of them can possibly be like each other, right? But it's a big compliment and I took it with giggles. He's just worried my giggles will go away eventually and that will make us less magical (his words). I said, I don't know if I'll be giggling tomorrow. But I'm a giggly person. And he makes me feel other things too...I don't know how to comfort him. I can't say I'll be giggling forever. Chances are, if we get comfortable together, I'll be, well, comfortable. But it really does seem like he's going to win me over every day and that I will be giggling forever.
A hundred and sixty nine hours to go...
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Not My Pictures
Weird. Looking at pictures of a wedding.
She was my friend. A good friend. We worked so well together.
He was someone I was obsessed with for three years. He kissed me. I kissed him first. We held hands. He was so funny. He made me laugh all the time.
We didn't believe in the same things so he had to stop kissing me. I was heartbroken and angry. I felt guilty because I wanted to corrupt him.
He found someone else who happened to believe the same things he did. That didn't work out.
He got back together with my friend. I don't think she wanted to be my friend anymore. She wanted to, but couldn't handle the sight of me.
I thought they had a passionless relationship. Just because they were avoiding sex, doesn't mean they were passionless.
It was in them all along. It was being saved for each other.
The pictures prove it. The way he held her, the way he kissed her.
I'm fine with it because he does nothing for me now. The pictures of him prove it. They make my past self twitch a little, but that's all.
But I can't help but think that it could have been me. I don't want it to be me, but it could have been me.
I thought he was scared of sex. I was wrong.
I hate being wrong.
(ps, he is really short. Nowhere near 6'5".)
She was my friend. A good friend. We worked so well together.
He was someone I was obsessed with for three years. He kissed me. I kissed him first. We held hands. He was so funny. He made me laugh all the time.
We didn't believe in the same things so he had to stop kissing me. I was heartbroken and angry. I felt guilty because I wanted to corrupt him.
He found someone else who happened to believe the same things he did. That didn't work out.
He got back together with my friend. I don't think she wanted to be my friend anymore. She wanted to, but couldn't handle the sight of me.
I thought they had a passionless relationship. Just because they were avoiding sex, doesn't mean they were passionless.
It was in them all along. It was being saved for each other.
The pictures prove it. The way he held her, the way he kissed her.
I'm fine with it because he does nothing for me now. The pictures of him prove it. They make my past self twitch a little, but that's all.
But I can't help but think that it could have been me. I don't want it to be me, but it could have been me.
I thought he was scared of sex. I was wrong.
I hate being wrong.
(ps, he is really short. Nowhere near 6'5".)
Monday, June 18, 2007
Breaking My Balls
You're breaking my balls, you guys, you're breaking my balls. This'll be like my seventeenth post before you've all updated at all! This is ridonculous.
Just to fill you in on what's been going on since my most recent recent post, um, I'm obsessed with English Gentleman. He wrote me this message that I'm not sure I want to put on here. I just don't want to cheapen it. I read it to Neenia over the phone because I figured telling one person was different than broadcasting it over the internet. But I really want to broadcast it all over the internet. And I know you will all appreciate it (and by "you all" I mean Neenia (duh), Bedroom Prince, Arts Monkey, Miss Pants, Skinny Rabbit, Nosiren and a couple other hangers on who don't have blogs but know me well, you know who you are)... Should I? Just to give you a tiny hint of this amazing person (if I haven't already)...I will give you a taste.
I wanted to call him instead of talk via facebook, but I couldn't find the phone. So I said: "Oh, now I'll have to be content with fantasising about what we're gonna do when I get there. What are we gonna do when I get there?" And his reply described really hot teasing and foreplay(including "...and you will abandon your dress to the elements outside of my window, along with your underwear, declaring to all of Hampshire that you will never need it again..."). And then he described hot sex and said:
"At this point the curtains go down and the stars of the show are only seen again at local convenience stores, buying food and drink to fuel their filthy adventures. Even as they become dishevelled starry eyed wrecks over time that no one cares to measure, all that see them feel their disdain tainted by the jealously that they are having more sex than minds of the past thought feasible, let alone healthy, and the wails of ecstacy echo across crisp, enchanted sunsets onto dawns afar, where couples everywhere wonder if one day, they too, can emulate the pleasures derived from the mispent youths of Princesse Alathariel and English Gentleman."
What?! What?! (direct quote from my reaction, and Neenia's.) How is he so amazing? I don't even know how to describe him! The best word that encompasses all the awesomeness and hotness and sweetness that he is is his name.
Last night there was a slight misunderstanding. I said "isn't it funny that we've only spent three nights together? Not like 'well, we see each other at work all the time but we've only spent three nights together.' no, just we've only spent three nights together ever!" And he said "I don't find it weird. It's spectacular." To which I didn't really have a reply. Then I went to bed and he texted me thinking I was unsure about us and thinking about my ex. "For a creative mind like yours, it's natural to have doubts." But I don't have doubts! How was I to claire-ify? I texted him trying to explain and he seemed cool, but I didn't feel I was convincing him enough. I sent him a loooooong rant-y message on facebook which ended with something endearing about my journal getting sick of his name but she's too polite to say anything. I just got a reply:
"Are you a dream? I hope not. X"
Just to fill you in on what's been going on since my most recent recent post, um, I'm obsessed with English Gentleman. He wrote me this message that I'm not sure I want to put on here. I just don't want to cheapen it. I read it to Neenia over the phone because I figured telling one person was different than broadcasting it over the internet. But I really want to broadcast it all over the internet. And I know you will all appreciate it (and by "you all" I mean Neenia (duh), Bedroom Prince, Arts Monkey, Miss Pants, Skinny Rabbit, Nosiren and a couple other hangers on who don't have blogs but know me well, you know who you are)... Should I? Just to give you a tiny hint of this amazing person (if I haven't already)...I will give you a taste.
I wanted to call him instead of talk via facebook, but I couldn't find the phone. So I said: "Oh, now I'll have to be content with fantasising about what we're gonna do when I get there. What are we gonna do when I get there?" And his reply described really hot teasing and foreplay(including "...and you will abandon your dress to the elements outside of my window, along with your underwear, declaring to all of Hampshire that you will never need it again..."). And then he described hot sex and said:
"At this point the curtains go down and the stars of the show are only seen again at local convenience stores, buying food and drink to fuel their filthy adventures. Even as they become dishevelled starry eyed wrecks over time that no one cares to measure, all that see them feel their disdain tainted by the jealously that they are having more sex than minds of the past thought feasible, let alone healthy, and the wails of ecstacy echo across crisp, enchanted sunsets onto dawns afar, where couples everywhere wonder if one day, they too, can emulate the pleasures derived from the mispent youths of Princesse Alathariel and English Gentleman."
What?! What?! (direct quote from my reaction, and Neenia's.) How is he so amazing? I don't even know how to describe him! The best word that encompasses all the awesomeness and hotness and sweetness that he is is his name.
Last night there was a slight misunderstanding. I said "isn't it funny that we've only spent three nights together? Not like 'well, we see each other at work all the time but we've only spent three nights together.' no, just we've only spent three nights together ever!" And he said "I don't find it weird. It's spectacular." To which I didn't really have a reply. Then I went to bed and he texted me thinking I was unsure about us and thinking about my ex. "For a creative mind like yours, it's natural to have doubts." But I don't have doubts! How was I to claire-ify? I texted him trying to explain and he seemed cool, but I didn't feel I was convincing him enough. I sent him a loooooong rant-y message on facebook which ended with something endearing about my journal getting sick of his name but she's too polite to say anything. I just got a reply:
"Are you a dream? I hope not. X"
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Unhelpful
My poor ex boy. I feel awful for him. He said I haven't wanted to make out with him in a long time. Can I confess why?
I think I...didn't like his kisses. We didn't kiss well together. The pressure was never right, his fake teeth (if you don't know the story here, just ask) really hurt me, our heads just...didn't connect like they were supposed to! I loved him so I ignored all that. But I couldn't make out with him. How could I tell him that? How can this be explained?
I just wish him peace. But I can't give it to him.
I think I...didn't like his kisses. We didn't kiss well together. The pressure was never right, his fake teeth (if you don't know the story here, just ask) really hurt me, our heads just...didn't connect like they were supposed to! I loved him so I ignored all that. But I couldn't make out with him. How could I tell him that? How can this be explained?
I just wish him peace. But I can't give it to him.
Water Water Everywhere
I'm so thirsty but I've been drinking so much! what's the dealio, yo?
This is not a metaphor, I'm really thristy and water doesn't help.
My ticket is booked for England! I'm going so soon. EG said "You're coming to England, how exciting! 'Tis where you belong miss, and you know it."
He calls me "miss" he's so cute. He'll probably quench my thirst...
This is not a metaphor, I'm really thristy and water doesn't help.
My ticket is booked for England! I'm going so soon. EG said "You're coming to England, how exciting! 'Tis where you belong miss, and you know it."
He calls me "miss" he's so cute. He'll probably quench my thirst...
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Haven't Forgotten
Don't think I forgot about the other boy.
I just called him. It made me so sad. It made him so sad. It made us both very angry and upset and sad. I'd like to get out of the business of breaking peoples' hearts.
He said it wasn't all his fault. I said I never said t was (did I?). He said I was using him as a crutch in my fucked up mess of a life and I needed to learn to stand on my own and when I did that, I threw him out. That's not true. I distinctly remember trying very hard not to use him as a crutch. I remember trying to live my own life so the pressure wasn't on him. I can't think about this anymore. It's getting ridiculous.
I said we might still get back together. He said I was the kind of person to meet someone, call it "fate" and get married and that's why we probably won't get back together. That's not fair, is it? I was really insulted by that. If I'm like that, then why didn't I stay with him?? If I'm like that, why was he even bothering with someone of whom he clearly has such a low opinion?
My head hurts where the throbbing resides. My brain hurts where the confusion settles. My eyes hurt where the love comes out. My ears hurt where his sobs penetrated. My gut hurts where the punch landed. My nose hurts where the pressure reigns. My heart hurts where the dagger went in.
Until I saw him, I've been wishing I had just a shirt of his in my room so I could smell him. Well I have one now and it brings me nothing but sorrow.
And I feel all the more guilty because underneath all this, I still feel the warmth and fireworks and butterflies and sighs of my new boy.
I just called him. It made me so sad. It made him so sad. It made us both very angry and upset and sad. I'd like to get out of the business of breaking peoples' hearts.
He said it wasn't all his fault. I said I never said t was (did I?). He said I was using him as a crutch in my fucked up mess of a life and I needed to learn to stand on my own and when I did that, I threw him out. That's not true. I distinctly remember trying very hard not to use him as a crutch. I remember trying to live my own life so the pressure wasn't on him. I can't think about this anymore. It's getting ridiculous.
I said we might still get back together. He said I was the kind of person to meet someone, call it "fate" and get married and that's why we probably won't get back together. That's not fair, is it? I was really insulted by that. If I'm like that, then why didn't I stay with him?? If I'm like that, why was he even bothering with someone of whom he clearly has such a low opinion?
My head hurts where the throbbing resides. My brain hurts where the confusion settles. My eyes hurt where the love comes out. My ears hurt where his sobs penetrated. My gut hurts where the punch landed. My nose hurts where the pressure reigns. My heart hurts where the dagger went in.
Until I saw him, I've been wishing I had just a shirt of his in my room so I could smell him. Well I have one now and it brings me nothing but sorrow.
And I feel all the more guilty because underneath all this, I still feel the warmth and fireworks and butterflies and sighs of my new boy.
Bedroom Prince's Million Dollars
After reading the Prince's most recent post, I needed to write my own.
Maybe it's because I don't want to get into a grad school that our views vary. But I think my life would change rather drastically if I won the lottery.
I was given cash yesterday, some with which to buy the kids lunch and train tickets, the rest was for me and they'd just deduct that from my pay this week. Perfect! First of all, I needed to take the train that night and second, I needed girl products. Rather badly. So I bought myself some necessary things from the pharmacy, bought some lunch for the kiddies, jumped on the train with them. I realised I had forgotten diapers for the baby, so I bought a mini pack when we got off the train. Then, we saw a carousel. A very beautiful, very old carousel. Well, I couldn't not let them ride the carousel. Then I had to buy phone credit so I could call the mommy to let her know where we were (and to text EG, obviously). Then, when the mommy came and I was to go on to my next destination, I realised I had to take the train twice. I only had enough for one trip. So, standing at the little mechanical thing where you buy train tickets, I tried to figure out how best to cheat the system without getting caught. I was told that if you get caught on the train I was about to take, you'd get fined something like 800 franks. But if you get caught on the one home, it's only like a hundred. So I made my ticket come from a station closer to home and made the destination one before. They did not check tickets on my first trip. There, that money could have gone to my homeward ticket and saved me a hell of a lot of trouble. Why don't they just check every time or never! It's evil what they do! On the way back, I saw they were checking right away. And I did not have a ticket from where I got on. So I jumped up to go to the bathroom and planned to get off at the next stop (which was soon) and catch the next train (which was an hour away). They were waiting for me when I got out of the bathroom. "Bon soir" said I sleepily and tried to get off the train. After much embarrassment and pretending to be stupid on my part, they let me off saying "vous avez du chance ce soir." I guess you could call it that. So what was I going to do when I caught the next train? What if they checked right away too? I came up with a story that someone I was supposed to be meeting said they would drive me to a station and I had bought the ticket ahead of time (which could be proven by the ticket I did buy ahead of time) and then they said they couldn't drive me that far and I was too shy to ask for more money. After an hour of worry punctuated with reading Oscar Wilde short stories, I got on the train. They did not check at all.
That whole night could have been a hell of a lot better and much more productive if I had a million dollars.
You know what makes it worse? Things like that happen to me at least twice, usually more, a week.
Maybe it's because I don't want to get into a grad school that our views vary. But I think my life would change rather drastically if I won the lottery.
I was given cash yesterday, some with which to buy the kids lunch and train tickets, the rest was for me and they'd just deduct that from my pay this week. Perfect! First of all, I needed to take the train that night and second, I needed girl products. Rather badly. So I bought myself some necessary things from the pharmacy, bought some lunch for the kiddies, jumped on the train with them. I realised I had forgotten diapers for the baby, so I bought a mini pack when we got off the train. Then, we saw a carousel. A very beautiful, very old carousel. Well, I couldn't not let them ride the carousel. Then I had to buy phone credit so I could call the mommy to let her know where we were (and to text EG, obviously). Then, when the mommy came and I was to go on to my next destination, I realised I had to take the train twice. I only had enough for one trip. So, standing at the little mechanical thing where you buy train tickets, I tried to figure out how best to cheat the system without getting caught. I was told that if you get caught on the train I was about to take, you'd get fined something like 800 franks. But if you get caught on the one home, it's only like a hundred. So I made my ticket come from a station closer to home and made the destination one before. They did not check tickets on my first trip. There, that money could have gone to my homeward ticket and saved me a hell of a lot of trouble. Why don't they just check every time or never! It's evil what they do! On the way back, I saw they were checking right away. And I did not have a ticket from where I got on. So I jumped up to go to the bathroom and planned to get off at the next stop (which was soon) and catch the next train (which was an hour away). They were waiting for me when I got out of the bathroom. "Bon soir" said I sleepily and tried to get off the train. After much embarrassment and pretending to be stupid on my part, they let me off saying "vous avez du chance ce soir." I guess you could call it that. So what was I going to do when I caught the next train? What if they checked right away too? I came up with a story that someone I was supposed to be meeting said they would drive me to a station and I had bought the ticket ahead of time (which could be proven by the ticket I did buy ahead of time) and then they said they couldn't drive me that far and I was too shy to ask for more money. After an hour of worry punctuated with reading Oscar Wilde short stories, I got on the train. They did not check at all.
That whole night could have been a hell of a lot better and much more productive if I had a million dollars.
You know what makes it worse? Things like that happen to me at least twice, usually more, a week.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Irregardless
ilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehimilovehim!
Too much? I suppose. Here's the song he thinks (and I agree) works for us now (if he were to sing it--which he did over the phone for me):
Just Like Heaven by The Cure
"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you
I promise that I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that
I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven
Man, he floors me.
Too much? I suppose. Here's the song he thinks (and I agree) works for us now (if he were to sing it--which he did over the phone for me):
Just Like Heaven by The Cure
"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you
I promise that I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that
I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven
Man, he floors me.
Butterflies Mixed With...Something Else
I kind of feel like Neenia feels. Like shit. Why do I feel this way? Why do I do things I'm pretty sure I won't be proud of? Why don't I do things I know I will be proud of? Why don't I prepare for things I really really want? I hate when I'm...this way. Myself. How can I fix things? I don't know how to fix everything. But I need everything fixed...who can I go to for help? No one! I'm supposed to help myself. But...I don't know how. I don't know how to get where I need to go. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling in my stomach.
Memories and fantasies can only take me so far.
Memories and fantasies can only take me so far.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Rocking Yet
TextSex is funny. Also fun. Also hot. Also inconvenient. Also difficult. But mostly funny and hot. Like really funny. Like make people think you're crazy for laughing in the street funny. And really hot. Like stop what you're doing so you can concentrate and not slide off your seat and fall down hot.
I need lessons. Well, I'm doing pretty well right now. But...you kind of run out of things to say. Pretty much, I'm tortured. My new motto: It's agony not being in England.
ps, when you use predictive text to write "soaking wet" it comes out "rocking yet." I like that.
I need lessons. Well, I'm doing pretty well right now. But...you kind of run out of things to say. Pretty much, I'm tortured. My new motto: It's agony not being in England.
ps, when you use predictive text to write "soaking wet" it comes out "rocking yet." I like that.
No Birthday Nookie
Goddammit I was horny last night!!
Most of the women in the cast are married and ALL of them were talking about going home to get laid! We were all cabaret-whored out so we all looked hot and after the crazy adrenaline rush of the show, we just all wanted some immediately! I was so jealous of all these wives! I don't want to get married right now, but wouldn't it be nice to have sex every night?
I sent EG three very vulgar texts which he didn't get until he was at passport control at the airport. I hope he was pleased by my dirty intentions. I hope he plans to deliver when I go there...I'm sure he does.
I told him that when my phone dings to tell me I have a text from him, I jump and giggle. He said "I want to see that! Do you think it would work if I texted you whilst next to you?" and I said "Probably, but you'll never see me as excited as I'll be the moment I see you!" and he said "That's not true as it would make every day after less exciting. I shall win you over every day!"
I don't doubt it EG, I don't doubt it.
Most of the women in the cast are married and ALL of them were talking about going home to get laid! We were all cabaret-whored out so we all looked hot and after the crazy adrenaline rush of the show, we just all wanted some immediately! I was so jealous of all these wives! I don't want to get married right now, but wouldn't it be nice to have sex every night?
I sent EG three very vulgar texts which he didn't get until he was at passport control at the airport. I hope he was pleased by my dirty intentions. I hope he plans to deliver when I go there...I'm sure he does.
I told him that when my phone dings to tell me I have a text from him, I jump and giggle. He said "I want to see that! Do you think it would work if I texted you whilst next to you?" and I said "Probably, but you'll never see me as excited as I'll be the moment I see you!" and he said "That's not true as it would make every day after less exciting. I shall win you over every day!"
I don't doubt it EG, I don't doubt it.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Momentary Lapse
I can take a little time off from my gushing for 2 things.
1) My cabaret opened tonight to rave reviews. I feel talented, I feel worthy, I feel in my element. I'm happy.
2) It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm so old.
1) My cabaret opened tonight to rave reviews. I feel talented, I feel worthy, I feel in my element. I'm happy.
2) It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm so old.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
So-Called Reality
One of my friends was just really mean. She said she doesn't support my feelings for EG because she knows how it will turn out. She said that in three months we're gonna realise we don't really like each other and that we made stupid sacrifices that we'll regret.
I totally disagree. But...are friends even allowed to say that?
I mean, maybe it's because she hasn't read my blogs, or she can't see me to know how I feel about this guy. Or maybe she knows my personality and she knows I obsess hard and fast. Either way, she's wrong. In every way. 1st, it's already lasted longer than 3 months, kind of. Second, I will not regret any kind of sacrifice I make for him as it will be for the him I know and care for now. And third, we will still like each other. What is the point of avoiding feelings just because they might one day go away? The point is to assume and hope that they won't go away and have an amazing time together.
I admit that I'm in love with being in love. But if I've found someone I get to be in love with, then I'm lucky. Not unrealistic.
I totally disagree. But...are friends even allowed to say that?
I mean, maybe it's because she hasn't read my blogs, or she can't see me to know how I feel about this guy. Or maybe she knows my personality and she knows I obsess hard and fast. Either way, she's wrong. In every way. 1st, it's already lasted longer than 3 months, kind of. Second, I will not regret any kind of sacrifice I make for him as it will be for the him I know and care for now. And third, we will still like each other. What is the point of avoiding feelings just because they might one day go away? The point is to assume and hope that they won't go away and have an amazing time together.
I admit that I'm in love with being in love. But if I've found someone I get to be in love with, then I'm lucky. Not unrealistic.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Back in the Clouds!
heehee, he sent me this just now:
Hi Alathariel! Last night was hilarious, my sister and her mates are still in bed! Listen, I was thinking about you a lot last night. And today. My intuition kicked in because all i wanted to say was i wish you were here, and i was running out of ways to express it, and because of bastard txt msging i have a strange feeling you have got the wrong end of the stick...do you understand? i wasn't pushing you away. text back fucking quick! x
Hi Alathariel! Last night was hilarious, my sister and her mates are still in bed! Listen, I was thinking about you a lot last night. And today. My intuition kicked in because all i wanted to say was i wish you were here, and i was running out of ways to express it, and because of bastard txt msging i have a strange feeling you have got the wrong end of the stick...do you understand? i wasn't pushing you away. text back fucking quick! x
Too Soon to be Such a Girl
I don't even want to write this blog. It makes me sick.
We were texting last night and it was so much fun, he was making me laugh sooooo much. I had mentioned that I was horny and he said he knew it. I had said "I can't wait to see you" a couple of times so I said "this is the part where you say how much you want to see me and why" and he said "Thanks for the cue. I can't wait to see you and there's so much I want to do with you but you know what we'd do first, why should we torture ourselves thinking about it" and I said "it's not torture! well, I guess anticipation is kind of torture" and he said "it makes me sad, in truth, alathariel" and I said "what makes you sad? anticipation? just thinking about me? should I stop texting you?" and he said "no no, that I'm not fucking around. I really do want to see you and now. still seems a long time away and I'm excited but I'm impatient." Then, as I tried to figure that out, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces and started to claw at everything it could touch inside me. I wrote "wait, what makes you sad?" and he said "...forget it. perhaps sad was the wrong term. Don't you be sad, pleeeaaase smile x." so i said "okay, sorry about your frustration or whatever. don't worry i'm smiling!" which was a lie. He replied "yeh, frustration, that's it. No more emotion from me young lady. I'm drinking now to lay the foundations for this evening. I'm in for a session methinks." to which I replied "have a good night!" to which he replied "I get the feeling that was left a bit weird? maybe I'm drunk? night night." to which I replied "you're very intuitive! nothing's wrong, all will be claire-ified another time! have fun!"
So...I just don't want to be seen as a trap. Is that so much to ask? And I'm not even asking it of him. We obviously can't discuss stuff like boundaries and blah blah blah online or via texts. But...he's a playah, he's going to the states all summer, he's in Cyprus right now...we've only spent three nights together. He can do whatever he wants. How do I tell him that and still let him know that if I find out I will cry, throw up, then throw myself off a cliff? Like I want him to know that I don't want him to sleep with anyone else, but I don't want him to want to sleep with anyone else. I want him to just want me. Obviously. But obviously, he can do whatever he wants...I can't believe he sees me as a trap already. He'll be calling me the old ball and chain before I know it. The higher you climb, the harder you fall...
We were texting last night and it was so much fun, he was making me laugh sooooo much. I had mentioned that I was horny and he said he knew it. I had said "I can't wait to see you" a couple of times so I said "this is the part where you say how much you want to see me and why" and he said "Thanks for the cue. I can't wait to see you and there's so much I want to do with you but you know what we'd do first, why should we torture ourselves thinking about it" and I said "it's not torture! well, I guess anticipation is kind of torture" and he said "it makes me sad, in truth, alathariel" and I said "what makes you sad? anticipation? just thinking about me? should I stop texting you?" and he said "no no, that I'm not fucking around. I really do want to see you and now. still seems a long time away and I'm excited but I'm impatient." Then, as I tried to figure that out, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces and started to claw at everything it could touch inside me. I wrote "wait, what makes you sad?" and he said "...forget it. perhaps sad was the wrong term. Don't you be sad, pleeeaaase smile x." so i said "okay, sorry about your frustration or whatever. don't worry i'm smiling!" which was a lie. He replied "yeh, frustration, that's it. No more emotion from me young lady. I'm drinking now to lay the foundations for this evening. I'm in for a session methinks." to which I replied "have a good night!" to which he replied "I get the feeling that was left a bit weird? maybe I'm drunk? night night." to which I replied "you're very intuitive! nothing's wrong, all will be claire-ified another time! have fun!"
So...I just don't want to be seen as a trap. Is that so much to ask? And I'm not even asking it of him. We obviously can't discuss stuff like boundaries and blah blah blah online or via texts. But...he's a playah, he's going to the states all summer, he's in Cyprus right now...we've only spent three nights together. He can do whatever he wants. How do I tell him that and still let him know that if I find out I will cry, throw up, then throw myself off a cliff? Like I want him to know that I don't want him to sleep with anyone else, but I don't want him to want to sleep with anyone else. I want him to just want me. Obviously. But obviously, he can do whatever he wants...I can't believe he sees me as a trap already. He'll be calling me the old ball and chain before I know it. The higher you climb, the harder you fall...
Friday, June 01, 2007
Solid Gone
I'm quoting Baloo the Bear: "I'm gone, man, solid gone!"
Because that's how I feel. I'm sorry if the last couple and next hundred posts are incredibly disgusting, gag me with a hundred spoons, diabetically sweet public displays of affection. I'm sorry if I'm completely selfish and forget to remember everyone else in my life. I'm sorry if I move far away. I'm sorry if I can't stop blushing, sighing, "awww"ing, fainting, jumping, falling, panting, masturbating, singing, twirling, leaping, flying. I'm tongue tied, nervous, achy, jittery, hot, dizzy, discombobulated, cold, shaky, dreamy, cozy, happy, dopey, grumpy, sneezy, sleepy, bashful and doc. Except not the last seven, those are dwarfs.
The fact that my inbox is empty makes me want to barf. He's in stupid Cyprus. Okay, it's not stupid, it's cool and he's probably buying cool paintings like he did last time and will stare at them and admire them with me.
Did I mention some of his qualities?
He's 6'5". That's right. Six foot five. Six feet and five inches. I'm five foot five! He's an entire foot taller than me!
He's going to be a football (as in soccer) coach.
He's HILARIOUS.
He gave me the biggest hug because I sang "ain't it a glorious day..."
He made me sing all of "Consider Yourself" at his favourite club.
He sings.
He's English. With an accent.
He has a pillow shaped like a boomerang.
He's intuitive.
He's going to be the father of my babies.
He hopes to hold my hand against a thousand backgrounds!?!?!?!?!?! I--...I don't know if he thinks he can say that to someone and have them be...not gone. still here.
I'm not still here.
I'm gone, man, solid gone.
Because that's how I feel. I'm sorry if the last couple and next hundred posts are incredibly disgusting, gag me with a hundred spoons, diabetically sweet public displays of affection. I'm sorry if I'm completely selfish and forget to remember everyone else in my life. I'm sorry if I move far away. I'm sorry if I can't stop blushing, sighing, "awww"ing, fainting, jumping, falling, panting, masturbating, singing, twirling, leaping, flying. I'm tongue tied, nervous, achy, jittery, hot, dizzy, discombobulated, cold, shaky, dreamy, cozy, happy, dopey, grumpy, sneezy, sleepy, bashful and doc. Except not the last seven, those are dwarfs.
The fact that my inbox is empty makes me want to barf. He's in stupid Cyprus. Okay, it's not stupid, it's cool and he's probably buying cool paintings like he did last time and will stare at them and admire them with me.
Did I mention some of his qualities?
He's 6'5". That's right. Six foot five. Six feet and five inches. I'm five foot five! He's an entire foot taller than me!
He's going to be a football (as in soccer) coach.
He's HILARIOUS.
He gave me the biggest hug because I sang "ain't it a glorious day..."
He made me sing all of "Consider Yourself" at his favourite club.
He sings.
He's English. With an accent.
He has a pillow shaped like a boomerang.
He's intuitive.
He's going to be the father of my babies.
He hopes to hold my hand against a thousand backgrounds!?!?!?!?!?! I--...I don't know if he thinks he can say that to someone and have them be...not gone. still here.
I'm not still here.
I'm gone, man, solid gone.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Too Good!
I just got this text from my English Gentleman.
Hi Alathariel,
You're beautiful. You're beautiful and I think you should be reminded. You're beautiful and I hope to hold your hand against a thousand backgrounds.
I FEEL LIKE THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!!
Hi Alathariel,
You're beautiful. You're beautiful and I think you should be reminded. You're beautiful and I hope to hold your hand against a thousand backgrounds.
I FEEL LIKE THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!!!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Horoscope? Horror-scope more like...
Here's what I read on some website. About a Gemini girl and a Scorpio boy.
"This match is not good for either of you. He is very demanding and he doesn’t like anyone questioning his rules and habits. Meanwhile, you are freewheeling and flighty and you don’t believe in rules at all. He’ll be constantly grumpy with you, because he can’t change your spontaneous, outgoing nature. And why would you? Even if you did settle down to please him, you couldn't keep it up for long or you would be miserable. You may have sparks with a Scorpio boy, but the second you stop kissing you’ll find you have little in common. This is a don’t-do-it match for you."
This is complete bullshit. What the fuck do horoscopes know?! English Gentleman is not all into rules and routine! And I'm accepting of everyone's nature. Lick me where I bleed zodiac bitch!
"This match is not good for either of you. He is very demanding and he doesn’t like anyone questioning his rules and habits. Meanwhile, you are freewheeling and flighty and you don’t believe in rules at all. He’ll be constantly grumpy with you, because he can’t change your spontaneous, outgoing nature. And why would you? Even if you did settle down to please him, you couldn't keep it up for long or you would be miserable. You may have sparks with a Scorpio boy, but the second you stop kissing you’ll find you have little in common. This is a don’t-do-it match for you."
This is complete bullshit. What the fuck do horoscopes know?! English Gentleman is not all into rules and routine! And I'm accepting of everyone's nature. Lick me where I bleed zodiac bitch!
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