A Mark, A Yen, A Buck Or A Pound

That clinking clanking sound!
It makes the world go 'round.

Waxing Philosophical

Oh, lovahs. What's the deal?

My lovah and I watched a stupid chick flick that made me sad. All movies make me cry no matter what. No matter how cheesy, I am completely succeptable to whatever they want me to feel. I cried like a baby at the end of Aquamarine.

Anyway, at the end of Something's Gotta Give, my lovah mistook my tears and anger at the opposite sex. He thought I was specifically sad and angry at him and he said something like "well, I just don't know now."

What?

That's not what we were talking about at all!

"...you...don't ...know...now?"

Something about he doesn't know now if I'm for sure the one. If what we have is true love. But you don't believe in true love! But I'm starting to again. But that's so much worse! But I just don't know now.

What?

So you're starting to believe that there is true love, but you don't think I'm your true love.

We came to the understanding that he believes in true love but not enough to feel it yet. He told me that, in high school, such huge concepts made him go a little crazy and he repressed all possible colossal ideas like true love, infinity, afterlife and things like that. What a loser.

Anyway. Of course, we all have doubts. And his, I am convinced, are rooted in the fact that he thinks age dictates preparedness. His mother and father, two people who are absolutely perfect for each other and in the truest of love, believe that they are only as happy together as they are because they didn't get together until they were 30. 30 is the magic number. Really? That's a little silly and specific for EVERYONE don't yout think?

And I'd be totally fine with it if I wasn't raised the exact opposite way. The way that you are to be married with at least one kid before you're 25. 25 is the magic number. Somehow, 25 is the opposite of 30. What's five years? Why can't either of us compromise our stupid teachings?

I don't even want to get married right now. I'm totally fine with our open relationship, as is he! He even said he gets really excited about having a house with me and kids and raising them with me. With our decision that we are both fine with and the fact that we both think it will be great to get married, what the hell do I care what happens in the meantime!?

I was also raised to believe that when you find the one, you know. If it's true love, it's true love! What the fuck is up with that? As much as I'd love to believe it, we're not in a fairy tale! And believe me, I want to be, that's why I'm so obsessed with true knight in shining armour romance on a brige in paris under the stars love. But that's ridiculous. I'm allowed to have doubts and when I do, my love for my lovah is not lessened. It is not less than the love of the people who claim they don't have doubts. There's some truth in "knowing when you know" and there's romance in that, but there's an equal amount of truth and romance in thinking about it, testing the waters together, exploring together, becoming best friends, doing what is right together, spending time apart, coming back together, supporting each other.

Half of me wants the kind of love where you would just die if you were separated from your lovah. The other half of me laughs at such a notion. The first half weeps constantly at the thought that my lovah might find someone with whom true love sparks, the other half is certain it will be with me when he opens that part of him again. Yet another half thinks it is all trivial bullshit and we will agree that it is trivial bullshit and stay together because we have fun.

I think that's what it boils down to. Fun.

That has to be what it's all about. And in that case, I am as rich as can be.

...But of course there's the half that really wants a partner. And then the other half tells me I have one.

Girls have serious issues--and I know this is going through girls' minds everywhere.

Having said all that in blog form, I look over at my lovah, and he smiles such a sweet, simple smile that my eyes flood.

We'll see.

My hair looks pretty.

I'm about to go to Lazer Quest with my cousins who I haven't seen in a while which is totally exciting! Woo hoo!

I just had sex with my lovah and it was totally great! So great. Every time we have sex, it's better than the last! But I feel a little insecure. I have cellulite on my tummy. It sucks. But I owe the gym much more money than I have so I can't go there...so I have to do sit ups myself.

I'm kinda wishing my lovah was more romantic, but as baseball hottie said when I was being particularly girly: "don't; you're too pretty."

Which makes me want to mind fuck other people.

One of my new Penn Renn Friends seems to have a crush on me. Or at least he seemed to. In fact, we had a little something something playing chicken and he said some really dirty things via text messages which kinda turned me on. I didn't really care for him much except as a friend (very much as a friend) and he started to creep me out in the sexual category. Then he found someone else there and seems to really like her. Like, they might do the long distance thing. But--and this is what makes me a bitch--I really liked being liked, even if he couldn't have me. I'm pissed off that he found someone else. Like he LIKED me. He told me! I miss the looks and the poems (you can get away with cheesy poems at a renaissance faire) and the CONSTANT COMPLIMENTS.

There was someone else who complimented me a lot. The guy who played the Sheriff, with whom my character was in love. IHis character was supposed to not like me and not notice that I liked him. It's weird what acting can do to you. I spent seven weekends chasing this guy who, in reality, I'm not attracted to AT ALL! And I still have the urgent NEED for him to notice me! I miss the compliments I got out of character and the usual eventual fulfillment I got at the end of the day in character. He proposed to me twice, and we hooked up 3 times and I kissed him a couple of times, too! It was so much fun. And in real life, he felt the need to tell me how hard it is for him to not notice me all day because I'm so hot and my body type is his favourite, and I'm so pretty and so sweet...

My lovah loves me. But he's no actor. He's not a theatre person at all. He'll never show me the way I want him to show me. Plus, you know, he has me! What does he have to do? I love him just the way he is, and I'll never love anyone like I love him. I've just been spoiled recently, I'm used to being hit on.

Aww, he's playing piano again. Oh man, it's so beautiful.

That's love and romance enough for me.

I'm just a needy, spoiled, self-conscious, confused, hormonal, scared, slightly manic depressive, girly girl.

I've been blog/journal happy these days.
I love writing and reading!

Can someone buy me Phantom by Terry Goodkind?? I want it!!

Also, the Tin Princess by Philip Pullman.

Also, if you haven't read His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman, there's something seriously wrong with you. read it now. the first one is called "the Golden Compass."

Gonna go kick some Lazer ass!

mmm mmm morning

My lovah's brand new much awaited piano just arrived. He's pounding away on the keys. I had to record it on my phone. He's so happy and it's so soothing!

I feel great because he feels great.

I made him play Debussy's Claire De Lune first. I'm gonna play chopsticks once he's gone!

I love my lovah in the morning.

Bi-Polar Again

Helping the kids out of their coats
But wait the babies haven't been born
Unpacking the bags and setting up
And planting lilacs and buttercups

But in the meantime I've got it hard
Second floor living without a yard
It may be years until the day
My dreams will match up with my pay
--Feist


I'm watching Home Improvement right now. Is it wrong that I still think Randy Taylor aka JTT is super duper hot and I wanna be on the show?

I'm not very happy. The fact that the world seems to value only money makes me less than worthless. That doesn't feel good.

My lovah's parents say that my ability to smile in the face of such hardship is a good quality. They also say it's a bit manic depressive. I don't think they're right on either account. I think I'm not manic depressive and I think that it's unhealthy to be happy when I'm not happy. Especially because it's my fault I'm unhappy. It's my fault I didn't live with my mom for a year after school to pay off my debt. It's my fault I didn't work for a year before school to save up for it. There are a lot of should haves.

On the other hand, I don't value money as much as the world seems to. I don't care for it at all. So that's why I usually find myself happy when I am so in debt. I do find myself happy, don't I? Alright. I have plenty of things in my life that I happen to love more than I'll ever like money.

Manic enough?

It doesn't matter though, I'm going to Switzerland for a whole year and I'll be making money without spending any. Except, of course, to buy a quill and ink and stationery with witch to stay in touch with loved ones.

In other news, a bunch of renn friends went to karaoke a couple days ago when I was working. Baseball Hottie brought his "girlfriend." That's in quotes because I think it's lame when someone becomes your "girlfriend" just because you ask them. I kind of expected it because Whore (aka his best girl friend) mentioned something about him mentioning something about having a "girlfriend as of monday." Why are boys losers? Anyway, she was the most boring looking person ever. I'm horrible. I shouldn't even care. I just want the things he said to have been true. And I want to be hotter than some random chick I don't know who's having my mediocre sex.

What a whiny boring blog.

Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaaaal!

There. Entertainment. That's what I do/like best.

I might get to be a nanny here from now until I leave! That would be awesome. It would be for a one year old girl which is so cool!

I can't wait til I have a little girl. Well, I can wait, I have to, but when I do, it'll be spectacular! She'll be spectacular! My little Beatrice... or another name...

My lovah and I are hanging out tonight. I should be counting the minutes we have together.

I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done
--Feist

sad sad day

what do you do when you can't help the one you love?

when you can't help anyone? not even yourself?

The Very Last Adpennture/Mixed-up Hot Thought

I slept the whole way there. the front desk didn't have a room key waiting for me. there were giant spiders all over the outdoor hallway. my roommates didn't answer the door. Baseball Hottie's best girl-friend called up to me in her nightgown. she said I could sleep where her sex buddy should have been sleeping. unfortunately, that was where Baseball Hottie was sleeping! I had sworn outright that I would not spend the night in elbowland anymore but she said: "if you love me, you'll let me have my sex tonight!" so I knocked on that door. luckily, there was another girl in there who is hilarious and was sleeping and drunk. she yelled at me for interrupting their sleep as did Baseball Hottie. she screamed "you're not sleeping in this bed!" so I yelled "fine!" a la skinny-rabbit and slumped into Baseball Hottie's bed with my clothes on. He was like "uh...hi?" and I was like "keep that elbow away from me!" and he was like "what...hi?" and I finally let him rub my tummy a bit as I told him he was very cold last week and I was very hurt. he said "I was really preoccupied" I knew it was with the fact that his best girlfriend and his best guy friend were sleeping together, so I gave him a break. "I'm sorry," I said. "no wait a minute, YOU're sorry!" and he laughed and said "I'm sorry." then, the sleeping drunk chick woke up and said "I'm still drunk!" and jumped on us and started biting us. it was absolute hilarity. I died laughing at her antics. she and baseball hottie did some bits. I died again. I had a lovely slightly cuddly sleep.

My second last day of acting was super duper fun. My character used a love potion that backfired and the mudboys ended up loving me instead of the Sherrif. she whined a lot.

that night I went skinny dipping in a BEEEEEautiful river with willow trees, fire flies and stars all around me. Me and Baseball Hotties best girl friend (who I will now call...Whore, as that is her nick name!) snuggled with the hottest guy at the faire, the belly dancing henna artist. He was so gorgeous in the starlit water. we flanked him like the hot mermaids we were. He was cold and we kept him warm. It was so lovely.

the last day of acting was amazing. I had lost a wager (on whether or not I would sleep in Baseball Hottie's bed or not) and I had to declare my love publicly for the sherrif with a kiss. I did so and it was hilarious. We had a crazy pub sing that night including 3 proposals a forced marriage, a spanking and a poem. Everyone exchanged emails and promises and hugs and kisses.

I stayed one more night for pizza and a movie and had olive garden today for lunch with a strawberry daquiri, many inside jokes and a really good server. a fun, sleepy, musical filled car ride home and my lovah and kitty greet me with kisses.

******

I just read everyone's blogs and miss you all so so so so so much. soon I will be away. away from realities I hate but away from ones I love so much. away from what I'm used to, what I know so well.

I had a dream that I was in a cruel training building where I had to be cold and heartless and get beaten up a lot to become a warrior. I think that means I should be a little more ruthless with myself and less lenient with myself when it comes to my body and health. it's important that I become a warrior.

People (at Penn Renn anyway) think I am so hot and tell me constantly. If I truly get the body that I want, and the strength and endurance of the warrior I am inside, I will be unstoppable. that's what I want. unaverage unstoppableness!

I cannot wait until my vacation camping with my family! I neeeeeeeed my family so much right now! I need my other families too, but this one is my childhood family, they are my roots and I need to return to them at this juncture. One big bang before I go for a very long time.

I want a giant party with everyone I know. but everything costs money. I hate when I feel like the world thinks money equals worth. Because when that's the case, I am so much less than worthless. I'm a vampire. the world would be better off without me. why do certain people insist on making me feel that way?

the pirate festival will be so amazing.

I will be so amazing.

You are so amazing.

Just Another Manic...Friday

What an odd start to my day. My "Aaaaooooouuuuuuuuuuuut tonight" alarm went off on my phone and then I started dreaming. I dreamed that I was babysitting and the little girl wanted to play down the street with her friend. I followed them down my old street and realised I was in South Park. Everyone was playing this weird game involving some instrument that looked like a quarter staff mixed with devil sticks. I won some sort of mini game and so this teenage guy was like "wanna go practice alone?" at which point all the other South Parkers went "ooooohh...!"
and I was like "no, I"m babysitting" and then the dad of the little girl, who happened to be in the strange scrimmage said "no, that's okay, you go ahead." but the dude was taking me into this weird building and it was dark out and I was getting nervous. Then this other dude with dreads came out of a video store next door and in my dream I recognised him as someone who was safe so I made him come with us. Then we all went into this weird auditorium with a mini pool on the stage. I think the devil staff battles ususally happened in the water. Then the gross teenage dude made his move and said something about me being slutty. Then, when I turned to safe dreads guy, he said something similar! That's when my lovah turned in bed and I elbowed him in self defence. Then I went back to my dream and kicked both dudes' asses for making me hurt my lovah.

Then, when I signed on to msn this morning and started talking to Bedroom Prince, I noticed my name was Skinny-Rabbit's name!!! WTF?!? So I changed my name back, asked Bedroom Prince "isn't that weird" and he said my name had always been Pirate Princesse! So it was maybe in my imagination?? I'm so confused. Now I'm listening to RENT and it's making me depressed that my rent bounced. they keep rubbing it in! "rent rent rent rent rent! Everything is RENT!"

Oh! I just remembered a dream from earlier this morning! I'm supposed to TA a shakespeare class today and I think I'm nervous about it. In my dream, I was being taught by Darlene and she was pissed because I didn't do my homework...but I don't have to do homework for this class, right? I should be fine! The panic recedes.

Now my head hurts because it's still full of sleep. And I have a beautiful lovah in my bed who's too hot to snuggle. Hot as in the weather. No one is too hot as in good looking to snuggle.

Except Johnny. Mmmmm...I can't stop thinking about Captain Jack Sparrow. There is going to be a Pirate Festival for three weekends in August. I'm not in it but I'm definately going as many times as possible. I've made myself a pirate costume and I couldn't be more excited. I put it on last night and "arr"d around the house in it last night and was speaking in accent to my sleeping lovah and my cat. My lovah always seems to be sleeping, doesn't he? Well, he did things to me afterwards that would have made any Pirate Princesse blush.

I need to get my drivers' license so so badly. My lovah has given me the money to do so, but I need that money for rent. So I haven't cashed the cheque yet. I don't know what to do. I REALLY need money! Whatever. I'm gonna go take a bath and paint my toenails and brush up my Shakespeare then pack for the weekend.

By the by, this weekend will contain much fun, none of which with Baseball Hottie. Unless, of course, he recognises his crime, apologises profusely, loses a game of devil staff and begs me for my presence.

Otherwise, I'll be making out with girls again and that satisfies me knowing what's waiting for me at home!

love/hate

So, I love Futurama, I hate work.

I love my lovah, I hate my messy house.

I love summer, I hate the TTC.

I love anticipation, I hate suspence (but I love it!).

I love Johnny Depp, I hate Keira Knightly (somebody rape and pillage her please).

I love my nightgown, I hate laundry.

I love candles, I hate noise.

I love my kitty, I hate his litter.

I love my mommy, I hate following orders.

I love languages, I hate barriers.

I love broadway, I hate poverty.

I love ability, I hate responsibility.

I love pasta, I hate my thighs.

I love acting, I hate politics.

I love opportunity, I hate making decisions.

I love generosity, I hate when people have power highs.

I love Family Guy, I hate King of the Hill.

I love travel, I hate leg cramps.

I love hope, I hate dissapointment.

I love jokes, I hate boredom.

I love slacking, I hate slackers.

I love costumes, I hate paying rent.

I love sex, I hate not having a private jet.

Fucking Boys

If you shower with your boyfriend, your breasts will be so clean, so clean! I mean shiny.
--Sarah Silverman

So here is the latest (penultimate, in fact) installment of my penn renn advenntures:

I daydreamed myself into real dreamhood about hot, sexual excursions with hottie baseball knight all the way to Pennsylvania.

After we checked in to the hotel, I bounced around the halls looking for him and everyone else, all my pent up energy exploding in giggles and frolicking. I found out a bunch of the early birds had gone to see pirates 2 without the rest of us. I was shocked and appalled at their exclusive behaviour as was my pretend sister who swore loudly at them upon their arrival.

So hottie baseball knight interrupted a conversation I was having with his best girlfriend and said "Alathariel, can I volunteer you?" and held up a bottle of aloe. He had the sunburn from hell. It was a hell burn.

I aloed him up and gave him a few "hi" kisses when his buddy came in asking about his stupid laptop and hardwaresoftwarevideogamemousecursorguitar. So I left and put my pj's on...pj's being a hot lingerie nightgown...

As we (all three of us) were getting sleepy watching Chris Farley's biography, the very kind third wheel said "I'm gonna go get some cash from the ATM and a snack." And he left.

So, obviously, we started making out. Just started. Not one minute into it, he asks if I want him to fuck me. And just for the record, he'd only be fucking me if he were on top or in any position other than on his back--he wasn't on top, I was. So not five minutes into me fucking him, he's ready to finish. And I had just found out how bigger could potentially be used as better! Done like dinner. He makes a joke about the very kind third wheel and turns the volume back up on Chris Farley. Goodnight?

I didn't realise that guys were really like that! Man am I spoiled with my lovah!

The next morning, my roommate (who I don't actually share a room with) found 12 dollars under her bed just as hottie baseball knight walked in and he said: "sweet, that's better than sex!" and she said "who have you been sleeping with?" and he said "absofuckinglutely nobody, that's the problem! That's why it's better than sex!" Knife to the back, thank you very much! Now, I know we shouldn't just talk about it with everyone, but we are officially the worst kept secret in Renaissance Faire history! I think the only person who doesn't know that is him!

That day, I found out that he had gotten in a fight with his best girlfriend the day before. There is something between them that is too complicated to get into, but the point is, he was using me for spite! Now, it was understood that we were using each other, but for fun, not for spite or vengence!

So the next night, he had injured himself somehow in the day and was acting like a big baby. I did sleep next to him, but he elbowed me all night (by accident--or so he says) and we lay as far apart as possible in the same bed. Shitty shitty cold cold night. And a great day friend- and faire-wise but shitty and cold for baseball knights.

So I decided I will no longer let him have the goods. He was lying when he said he liked me alot (his spelling, not mine) and I haven't had any proper excitement with him for weeks. He used to make me shiver all over! Now he bores and upsets me.

I got home to my lovah this morning. I remembered that I reward good boyfriendship with almost unlimited access to my breasts and my lovah was redeeming that reward with relish. Man that gets boring sometimes. After wearing really tight corsets for long enough, you lose proper feeling in them anyway. So just as I was thinking that all boys must be jerks, he moved down and gave me the best orgasm I've had in a really long time. The release was so amazing, the feeling so cathartic, that I cried. That never happened before. I didn't want him to see that I was crying because, though it was about a lot of things, mostly money, I was also crying about the coldness of the coldie baseball knight. Then, while I showered, I sang Wicked really hard and cried a little more. Now I've had chinese food and I feel better.

I'm gonna listen to some (secret pop) music and reread all of your blogs. Then I'll go to my fellow mermaid's house and do arts and crafts.

I can't wait to read more about your adventures as they are a part of mine!

Pretty baby with the high heels on!

Allllllright, I'm jumping on the bandwagon and blogging about songs that make you feel goooooood!

The Way You Make Me Feel! Yes, man. Y-E-S!

That song always made me feel grrrrrreat but then Center Stage came out and now it makes me feel super duper sex awesome hot sexual sweet majestic sweaty grrrrrrrreat!

I danced around my apartment while waiting for the pizza to arrive wearing my green dress and my red heels. (not the pizza, me! though that thought is hilarious!)

Speaking of Center Stage, can I be in Center Stage? Oh! That reminds me, I have to get the Jamiroquai song from the end!

Oh! That reminds me, can I be in the dance in the Jamiroquai song from the end of Center Stage? Can I be Jodie Sawyer? That's what I wanna be when I grow up. Anything wearing red pointe shoes.

Did you know that some people don't appreciate the awesomeness that is red pointe shoes? Pointe doesn't appeal to some people! To those people, you know where you can lick and how many times.

I would love love love to be a ballerina. It's definately my number one fantasy wish.

Well, if we're wishing for number one fantasy wishes, then I'd want to be a powerfully magical, cunning, clever, beautiful fairy princess from an other world who controls the air, can fight with a sword, dagger and bow and arrow, whose voice makes people do her bidding, who can fly at any speed, can breathe underwater, has floor length black hair and a million pretty dresses, warrior outfits, accesories, and a theatre called Bottom's Dream in which she performs all sorts of performances, including...ballet...in red pointe shoes. And purple pointe shoes sometimes. And maybe black! oooh, black would be cool for dark gothic shows!...mmm I'm drooling just thinking about it!

Let's put on a ballet in which I can be my fantasy self.
What are your fantasy selves and can they be in our gothic ballet?

yearning for witty banter!

So last Tuesday at Karaoke, my lovah didn't go...but my renn friends did. Including hottie baseball knight.

I got very drunk very fast. I rocked "Out Tonight" so much, you all wish you were there. Seriously, hottest I've ever been. And I looked the hottest I've ever looked!

I don't think he was very clear about my situation. But he is now. I think. Either way, he has a nice ass and I'm having fun.

He wasn't at the faire this weekend though. No booty for me.

But just when I thought he was getting cold again, he wrote me an email just to say hi. Really, it said: "just wanted to say hi."

so I wrote "hi back" but my subject was "boys are weird" because they are.

and he wrote back "how was your weekend?"

and I wrote back "good. yours?"

and he wrote back "I'm in a weird funk that I can't shake"

and I wrote "does it help to know that when my msn thingie pops up and tells me I have an email from Hottie Baseball Knight I get really excited and I stop writing my blog to read it? Don't be sad!"

and he wrote "I just wanna go on vacation and do nothing"

and I wrote "so go on vacation and do nothing" getting bored? me, too. Where are my sexy emails??

and he wrote "I am, I'm just gonna sit by the pool and tan from head to foot and do absolutely sweet fuck all!"

and I wrote "mmmm...too early to think of you tanned from head to foot!" it starts

Now I'm just waiting for the next one...

Okay, he just wrote "ooohh no it's not" qu'est-ce que fuck? why are boys so dumb?

And I wrote "fine, then I'll let you know I'm at my computer wearing nothing but my glasses" I rock, I play!

Now I'm waiting again.

Oh man, he just wrote "NICE!!" Boringest emailer ever! I need a new one with half a brain. But ones with brains don't usually have hot asses, so I'll stick with this one.

What should I write back? He's blocking like in improv! the problem is, he's an amazing improviser! What an idiot.

Okay, I wrote "yes, I am. But now I'm eating peanut butter so the image is shattered with you going to the hospital. So just imagine me eating strawberries with chocolate sauce and whipped cream." allergic to pb, in case you didn't catch that. see? it couldn't work! we're meant to be (fuck) friends!

If he hasn't written anything good by the time I finish my sandwich, I'll end this post and let you create your own sexy ending.

...

motherfucker!

Okay, make it up yourself. tell me what you come up with!

The Mermaids - Radiant in Ribbons

I luh music.

I luh messing about with it, mixing different styles, altering my voice for different sounds, hitting things and hearing the effect.

My buddy and I wrote an album yesterday. We're awesome.

Know what's better than working in a restaurant? Writing an album.

side note: my lovah's alarm has been going off for five minutes now. Should I do something about it?

We recorded our progress, so we have a cd. It's not good quality, it's just there for us to work off of. We wrote like 7 songs yesterday! Seriously, we're geniuses!

okay, asshole, wake up! how can you not hear that??

Here are some of our song titles: Scientist Man, Missing You, She Sucks I Rock, Slow/Fast, Salalalalong, You're Fat, Boy Ballad and Fucking Boys. Still to come are Chocolate, Sleepover and Hippie Picnic. I can't wait!!!

oh my god!!! it's been seven minutes! Do you know anyone else who can sleep through high pitched beeping? It sounds like world war three!!

At the rate we're going, you'll be able to buy The Mermaids' first album "Radiant in Ribbons" in about two weeks. But I'll give them to you guys for free!

okay, now it is world war three. You're dead, deaf man!

Not a grown up

I can't do anything right.

I lose things, I'm messy, I'm lazy, I lie.
I'm irresponsible.

I can't harness the Force or God or whatever Magic I need to help me do things right.

I feel like a joke of a human being. No, a joke of an adult.

No one can rely on me, everyone keeps expecting me to fuck up and with reason! It's what I do.

I'm not going to grow up. I'm a horrible, aging Peter Pan without the skills.

I would like to apologise to everyone for all of the stupid things I've done, am doing and will do that cause you hurt or harm. I see now that I can't help it and it would be best to expect it always so you are not further dissapointed.

Make Me a Gilmore Girl

Why can't I be more like Lorelai? I mean, I kind of already am a little like her, but I want to be her.

I can't stand watching the show because it just hurts that I'm not her.

I think she's how I see myself in like 7 years. That's what 30 year olds are like. And we know how I always want to be ahead of the game. My 30's woman hotness is on it's way, I shouldn't rush it.

Especially not when I'm constantly worried about wasting my youth. I need to lose weight so I can have guys pick me up on the beach and throw me into the ocean (my example of an early 20's girl).

Maybe if I have a cup of coffee, I'll be more like Lorelai. My cell phone rings in annoying places. I rock jeans. My cousin is a lot like Suki. But I don't have a "Luke's" or a daughter or a car or an inn or rich parents or a suit.

Oh well. I like singing and she doesn't seem to sing.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH! They just told me that stupid Miss Match will be replacing Gilmore Girls every night at 5 on W! Qu'est-ce que fuck?? What am I gonna do?

My second flower part 3

Okay, so i had sex with someone else. I'm allowed. I don't feel guilty anymore.

Mainly because now I've had sex with my lovah again, and it was way better and more awesome and I feel more like myself again.

Let's see, where did I leave off? Right, hottie baseball knight was being all weird. But at the end of Saturday night's dinner (at the Olive Garden, best ever but I wasn't feeling well) he gave me a hug and a smile and said he was cool with hanging out with me later. Then I passed out in my own bed with a girl. haha. She said I was great. He was supposed to come up and knock on my hotel door so we could hang out. But he didn't.

So then, the next day, close to tears, I told his best girl friend (who, by the way, is the coolest and I love her so much! She has her own drama that we've been gossipping about at the same time as my drama) that I felt silly and stupid. she said not to and that she thinks that he is just realising that he can't have me. So I kinda felt better, even though I think that is silly, as I knew he's not looking for a relationship.

anyway, what I don't get is how I can have a crush on someone else. It's a little weirder to call it a crush when I've already had sex with him...

So that is the story of the loss of my second flower.

My second flower part 2

So the details.

The entire cast was sitting around the girlie's shitty hotel room, me and hottie baseball player in the small section towards the door. Everyone was bitching, he was bitching the most, the loudest, the angriest. Finally there was a lull on our side of the room, and I mumbled "do you know how rare it is that your room is empty?" And he said "good point."

He descreetly asked for the time and said "I'm going to bed." And I said "yeah, me too," a lot less discreetly. I'm an idiot. Note to you, don't trust me with stuff like that. Anyway, I went to his room, we started kissing, same as last week, same as the week before, except that no one was in the room...so there were no restrictions.

Very, very suddenly, it was happening. It was good (by the by, the problem of "more" was no problem. Turns out it's the same!) and fun. But, of course, being a girl, I got a little nervous...in the middle of it. Well, I didn't have time beforehand! So he said "are you okay" and I said "I'm just a little nervous...I've only done this with one other person and I'm just...worried..." blah blah blah... Then he kissed me harder but sweeter...but said nothing! Why didn't he say anything? The biggest appeal about him (other than his ass) is that he talked and stuff! That was always the fun part of the secret, quiet making out! So he said nothing, leaving me much more nervous. But whatever. I'm pretty sure I was awesome, and that is the most important thing!

It was fun. It was good. It was great. It's better with my lovah, but I don't regret what I did. (another by the by: bigger isn't better! Even my lovah thinks I'd have more fun with someone bigger, it's not true!)


So then, the next day, I felt very ignored. I felt ridiculous. Everything changed.

K I feel guilty and my lovah's home more later.

My second flower part 1

At the beginning of fourth weekend in Pennsylvania, I was planning on continuing to make out with hottie baseball knight. I had thought about sex, but I decided there will be plenty of time to do that in Switzerland with non-cast member boys. So I get to my ride at the very first day of horny week (my pill makes me a slave to hormones!) and decide to play chicken with the other night. Well he was the only one who could reach, so he won...or I did. I don't know. Either way, I'm a slut.

Then I finally get there, worked up into a frenzy, and hottie baseball knight is in a horrible mood! The hotel gave away our rooms because there was a Garfield convention--for serious, and it was Christmas themed...isn't Garfield themed enough? So all of our rooms were spread about the whole hotel and the smokers got non smoking rooms...it was really annoying, but hottie baseball knight was the most annoyed. Really pissed and moody. That is when I realised that he is the kinda guy who makes the sun shine when he smiles at you and makes it rain when he looks away. Great. I didn't need that!

Now when I got over the initial shock of seeing him upset, I realised that he was uber hot when he was angry. My condition got worse!

I talked to his best girl friend who rode up with him and told her I'd cheer him up. She said "alright, but just so you know, he's looking to get laid!"

...And he did...more details later, I'm babysitting! This is very bad form!

Let's Hear It For The Boy!

Dancingantsinmypants gave me the idea to say I love my lovah. Oh I do.

I made a list when I was little: Everything I want in a guy. This list included:

*Intelligent
*Non-smoker
*Makes me laugh
*Gets excited when I'm excited
*Cooks
*Is not a suit
*Looks good in a suit
*Loves his and my family

Things like that.

Now, my lovah has all of those qualities, but I overlooked a very important one. I didn't have "I make him laugh."

And I do.

And now, that's one of my favourite things about him! I LOVE making him laugh! his eyes get all cute when he laughs and then he hugs me. nothing is better than that.

Tall, blond, skinny, sexy. Can't help lovin' that man of mine.

Sex, lies and blog

Yikes! My cousin wants to read my blog. Should I let my family see this side of me? Well...I guess the only thing I'm worried about is the me having an open relationship and making out with hottie baseball player thing...But I don't care so she shouldn't, right? I don't judge her! Who is she to judge?!

(Side note: I met with the father of my Swiss charge again and again, he is the cutest man ever. He's so awesome! He wants me to send him a cd of me singing so he can find a band for me!!! OH, the point: he said he didn't have many questions for me because he goes with his gut and he DOESN'T JUDGE. I love people who don't judge.)

I'm having an artsmonkey moment; should I censor myself? For what? I don't really want/need to have secrets. I mean, this cousin won't mind at all. But what if she tells other family members. I know my mom wouldn't understand, I showed her a picture of hottie baseball player on my phone and when she said "he's cute" I said "I know" and she said "Claaaaaaaire!" and I was like "yo, bitch, get out ma face!" But really I was like "what? we're just friends!" Like I'm not allowed to think another guy is cute and take pictures of his ass. You can't tell me what to do, you're not the boss of me anymore! I'm having cookies before dinner!

And it's not like I'd be ashamed if my whole fam damily knew stuff about me, I just don't really want to have any stupid talks about it. I loathe serious talks. Except when they're on stage. And even then, I insist on laughing.

Oh well, Welcome [insert my cousin's blog name here] to the blog world and enjoy every detail of your cousin's life! Just don't tell ANYONE! Maybe I'll get to learn some things about you, too!

PS Congratulations to those bloggers who don't think twice before divulging all of your secrets!