I can't do anything right.
I lose things, I'm messy, I'm lazy, I lie.
I'm irresponsible.
I can't harness the Force or God or whatever Magic I need to help me do things right.
I feel like a joke of a human being. No, a joke of an adult.
No one can rely on me, everyone keeps expecting me to fuck up and with reason! It's what I do.
I'm not going to grow up. I'm a horrible, aging Peter Pan without the skills.
I would like to apologise to everyone for all of the stupid things I've done, am doing and will do that cause you hurt or harm. I see now that I can't help it and it would be best to expect it always so you are not further dissapointed.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Make Me a Gilmore Girl
Why can't I be more like Lorelai? I mean, I kind of already am a little like her, but I want to be her.
I can't stand watching the show because it just hurts that I'm not her.
I think she's how I see myself in like 7 years. That's what 30 year olds are like. And we know how I always want to be ahead of the game. My 30's woman hotness is on it's way, I shouldn't rush it.
Especially not when I'm constantly worried about wasting my youth. I need to lose weight so I can have guys pick me up on the beach and throw me into the ocean (my example of an early 20's girl).
Maybe if I have a cup of coffee, I'll be more like Lorelai. My cell phone rings in annoying places. I rock jeans. My cousin is a lot like Suki. But I don't have a "Luke's" or a daughter or a car or an inn or rich parents or a suit.
Oh well. I like singing and she doesn't seem to sing.
AAAAAAHHHHHHH! They just told me that stupid Miss Match will be replacing Gilmore Girls every night at 5 on W! Qu'est-ce que fuck?? What am I gonna do?
I can't stand watching the show because it just hurts that I'm not her.
I think she's how I see myself in like 7 years. That's what 30 year olds are like. And we know how I always want to be ahead of the game. My 30's woman hotness is on it's way, I shouldn't rush it.
Especially not when I'm constantly worried about wasting my youth. I need to lose weight so I can have guys pick me up on the beach and throw me into the ocean (my example of an early 20's girl).
Maybe if I have a cup of coffee, I'll be more like Lorelai. My cell phone rings in annoying places. I rock jeans. My cousin is a lot like Suki. But I don't have a "Luke's" or a daughter or a car or an inn or rich parents or a suit.
Oh well. I like singing and she doesn't seem to sing.
AAAAAAHHHHHHH! They just told me that stupid Miss Match will be replacing Gilmore Girls every night at 5 on W! Qu'est-ce que fuck?? What am I gonna do?
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
My second flower part 3
Okay, so i had sex with someone else. I'm allowed. I don't feel guilty anymore.
Mainly because now I've had sex with my lovah again, and it was way better and more awesome and I feel more like myself again.
Let's see, where did I leave off? Right, hottie baseball knight was being all weird. But at the end of Saturday night's dinner (at the Olive Garden, best ever but I wasn't feeling well) he gave me a hug and a smile and said he was cool with hanging out with me later. Then I passed out in my own bed with a girl. haha. She said I was great. He was supposed to come up and knock on my hotel door so we could hang out. But he didn't.
So then, the next day, close to tears, I told his best girl friend (who, by the way, is the coolest and I love her so much! She has her own drama that we've been gossipping about at the same time as my drama) that I felt silly and stupid. she said not to and that she thinks that he is just realising that he can't have me. So I kinda felt better, even though I think that is silly, as I knew he's not looking for a relationship.
anyway, what I don't get is how I can have a crush on someone else. It's a little weirder to call it a crush when I've already had sex with him...
So that is the story of the loss of my second flower.
Mainly because now I've had sex with my lovah again, and it was way better and more awesome and I feel more like myself again.
Let's see, where did I leave off? Right, hottie baseball knight was being all weird. But at the end of Saturday night's dinner (at the Olive Garden, best ever but I wasn't feeling well) he gave me a hug and a smile and said he was cool with hanging out with me later. Then I passed out in my own bed with a girl. haha. She said I was great. He was supposed to come up and knock on my hotel door so we could hang out. But he didn't.
So then, the next day, close to tears, I told his best girl friend (who, by the way, is the coolest and I love her so much! She has her own drama that we've been gossipping about at the same time as my drama) that I felt silly and stupid. she said not to and that she thinks that he is just realising that he can't have me. So I kinda felt better, even though I think that is silly, as I knew he's not looking for a relationship.
anyway, what I don't get is how I can have a crush on someone else. It's a little weirder to call it a crush when I've already had sex with him...
So that is the story of the loss of my second flower.
Monday, June 26, 2006
My second flower part 2
So the details.
The entire cast was sitting around the girlie's shitty hotel room, me and hottie baseball player in the small section towards the door. Everyone was bitching, he was bitching the most, the loudest, the angriest. Finally there was a lull on our side of the room, and I mumbled "do you know how rare it is that your room is empty?" And he said "good point."
He descreetly asked for the time and said "I'm going to bed." And I said "yeah, me too," a lot less discreetly. I'm an idiot. Note to you, don't trust me with stuff like that. Anyway, I went to his room, we started kissing, same as last week, same as the week before, except that no one was in the room...so there were no restrictions.
Very, very suddenly, it was happening. It was good (by the by, the problem of "more" was no problem. Turns out it's the same!) and fun. But, of course, being a girl, I got a little nervous...in the middle of it. Well, I didn't have time beforehand! So he said "are you okay" and I said "I'm just a little nervous...I've only done this with one other person and I'm just...worried..." blah blah blah... Then he kissed me harder but sweeter...but said nothing! Why didn't he say anything? The biggest appeal about him (other than his ass) is that he talked and stuff! That was always the fun part of the secret, quiet making out! So he said nothing, leaving me much more nervous. But whatever. I'm pretty sure I was awesome, and that is the most important thing!
It was fun. It was good. It was great. It's better with my lovah, but I don't regret what I did. (another by the by: bigger isn't better! Even my lovah thinks I'd have more fun with someone bigger, it's not true!)
So then, the next day, I felt very ignored. I felt ridiculous. Everything changed.
K I feel guilty and my lovah's home more later.
The entire cast was sitting around the girlie's shitty hotel room, me and hottie baseball player in the small section towards the door. Everyone was bitching, he was bitching the most, the loudest, the angriest. Finally there was a lull on our side of the room, and I mumbled "do you know how rare it is that your room is empty?" And he said "good point."
He descreetly asked for the time and said "I'm going to bed." And I said "yeah, me too," a lot less discreetly. I'm an idiot. Note to you, don't trust me with stuff like that. Anyway, I went to his room, we started kissing, same as last week, same as the week before, except that no one was in the room...so there were no restrictions.
Very, very suddenly, it was happening. It was good (by the by, the problem of "more" was no problem. Turns out it's the same!) and fun. But, of course, being a girl, I got a little nervous...in the middle of it. Well, I didn't have time beforehand! So he said "are you okay" and I said "I'm just a little nervous...I've only done this with one other person and I'm just...worried..." blah blah blah... Then he kissed me harder but sweeter...but said nothing! Why didn't he say anything? The biggest appeal about him (other than his ass) is that he talked and stuff! That was always the fun part of the secret, quiet making out! So he said nothing, leaving me much more nervous. But whatever. I'm pretty sure I was awesome, and that is the most important thing!
It was fun. It was good. It was great. It's better with my lovah, but I don't regret what I did. (another by the by: bigger isn't better! Even my lovah thinks I'd have more fun with someone bigger, it's not true!)
So then, the next day, I felt very ignored. I felt ridiculous. Everything changed.
K I feel guilty and my lovah's home more later.
My second flower part 1
At the beginning of fourth weekend in Pennsylvania, I was planning on continuing to make out with hottie baseball knight. I had thought about sex, but I decided there will be plenty of time to do that in Switzerland with non-cast member boys. So I get to my ride at the very first day of horny week (my pill makes me a slave to hormones!) and decide to play chicken with the other night. Well he was the only one who could reach, so he won...or I did. I don't know. Either way, I'm a slut.
Then I finally get there, worked up into a frenzy, and hottie baseball knight is in a horrible mood! The hotel gave away our rooms because there was a Garfield convention--for serious, and it was Christmas themed...isn't Garfield themed enough? So all of our rooms were spread about the whole hotel and the smokers got non smoking rooms...it was really annoying, but hottie baseball knight was the most annoyed. Really pissed and moody. That is when I realised that he is the kinda guy who makes the sun shine when he smiles at you and makes it rain when he looks away. Great. I didn't need that!
Now when I got over the initial shock of seeing him upset, I realised that he was uber hot when he was angry. My condition got worse!
I talked to his best girl friend who rode up with him and told her I'd cheer him up. She said "alright, but just so you know, he's looking to get laid!"
...And he did...more details later, I'm babysitting! This is very bad form!
Then I finally get there, worked up into a frenzy, and hottie baseball knight is in a horrible mood! The hotel gave away our rooms because there was a Garfield convention--for serious, and it was Christmas themed...isn't Garfield themed enough? So all of our rooms were spread about the whole hotel and the smokers got non smoking rooms...it was really annoying, but hottie baseball knight was the most annoyed. Really pissed and moody. That is when I realised that he is the kinda guy who makes the sun shine when he smiles at you and makes it rain when he looks away. Great. I didn't need that!
Now when I got over the initial shock of seeing him upset, I realised that he was uber hot when he was angry. My condition got worse!
I talked to his best girl friend who rode up with him and told her I'd cheer him up. She said "alright, but just so you know, he's looking to get laid!"
...And he did...more details later, I'm babysitting! This is very bad form!
Friday, June 23, 2006
Let's Hear It For The Boy!
Dancingantsinmypants gave me the idea to say I love my lovah. Oh I do.
I made a list when I was little: Everything I want in a guy. This list included:
*Intelligent
*Non-smoker
*Makes me laugh
*Gets excited when I'm excited
*Cooks
*Is not a suit
*Looks good in a suit
*Loves his and my family
Things like that.
Now, my lovah has all of those qualities, but I overlooked a very important one. I didn't have "I make him laugh."
And I do.
And now, that's one of my favourite things about him! I LOVE making him laugh! his eyes get all cute when he laughs and then he hugs me. nothing is better than that.
Tall, blond, skinny, sexy. Can't help lovin' that man of mine.
I made a list when I was little: Everything I want in a guy. This list included:
*Intelligent
*Non-smoker
*Makes me laugh
*Gets excited when I'm excited
*Cooks
*Is not a suit
*Looks good in a suit
*Loves his and my family
Things like that.
Now, my lovah has all of those qualities, but I overlooked a very important one. I didn't have "I make him laugh."
And I do.
And now, that's one of my favourite things about him! I LOVE making him laugh! his eyes get all cute when he laughs and then he hugs me. nothing is better than that.
Tall, blond, skinny, sexy. Can't help lovin' that man of mine.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Sex, lies and blog
Yikes! My cousin wants to read my blog. Should I let my family see this side of me? Well...I guess the only thing I'm worried about is the me having an open relationship and making out with hottie baseball player thing...But I don't care so she shouldn't, right? I don't judge her! Who is she to judge?!
(Side note: I met with the father of my Swiss charge again and again, he is the cutest man ever. He's so awesome! He wants me to send him a cd of me singing so he can find a band for me!!! OH, the point: he said he didn't have many questions for me because he goes with his gut and he DOESN'T JUDGE. I love people who don't judge.)
I'm having an artsmonkey moment; should I censor myself? For what? I don't really want/need to have secrets. I mean, this cousin won't mind at all. But what if she tells other family members. I know my mom wouldn't understand, I showed her a picture of hottie baseball player on my phone and when she said "he's cute" I said "I know" and she said "Claaaaaaaire!" and I was like "yo, bitch, get out ma face!" But really I was like "what? we're just friends!" Like I'm not allowed to think another guy is cute and take pictures of his ass. You can't tell me what to do, you're not the boss of me anymore! I'm having cookies before dinner!
And it's not like I'd be ashamed if my whole fam damily knew stuff about me, I just don't really want to have any stupid talks about it. I loathe serious talks. Except when they're on stage. And even then, I insist on laughing.
Oh well, Welcome [insert my cousin's blog name here] to the blog world and enjoy every detail of your cousin's life! Just don't tell ANYONE! Maybe I'll get to learn some things about you, too!
PS Congratulations to those bloggers who don't think twice before divulging all of your secrets!
(Side note: I met with the father of my Swiss charge again and again, he is the cutest man ever. He's so awesome! He wants me to send him a cd of me singing so he can find a band for me!!! OH, the point: he said he didn't have many questions for me because he goes with his gut and he DOESN'T JUDGE. I love people who don't judge.)
I'm having an artsmonkey moment; should I censor myself? For what? I don't really want/need to have secrets. I mean, this cousin won't mind at all. But what if she tells other family members. I know my mom wouldn't understand, I showed her a picture of hottie baseball player on my phone and when she said "he's cute" I said "I know" and she said "Claaaaaaaire!" and I was like "yo, bitch, get out ma face!" But really I was like "what? we're just friends!" Like I'm not allowed to think another guy is cute and take pictures of his ass. You can't tell me what to do, you're not the boss of me anymore! I'm having cookies before dinner!
And it's not like I'd be ashamed if my whole fam damily knew stuff about me, I just don't really want to have any stupid talks about it. I loathe serious talks. Except when they're on stage. And even then, I insist on laughing.
Oh well, Welcome [insert my cousin's blog name here] to the blog world and enjoy every detail of your cousin's life! Just don't tell ANYONE! Maybe I'll get to learn some things about you, too!
PS Congratulations to those bloggers who don't think twice before divulging all of your secrets!
Monday, June 19, 2006
Cry If I Want To Part 2/Baby Got Back
My family isn't throwing me a birthday! Just because I'm busy on the weekends and they are busy during the week. I cried when my mom told me that!
Qu'est-ce que fuck?! I really wanted a party! I can't afford cake whenever I want! I can't afford snacks! I can't afford the company of my family all the time! And I certainly can't afford pretty fairy hair ties, which is really all I wanted as presents.
humph.
In other news, hottie baseball player has caught me in a trap. He is the sweetest thing by night and totally aloof by knight (he plays a knight). Now I'm a little too interested.
At the end of yesterday, he took off most of his costume so he was just wearing his black velvet tights and knee high boots. Oh man. I stared so shamelessly. He noticed, but I notice when he stares at my boobs! Now he knows how it feels! ...kinda nice...but kinda creepy! But nice.
I need advice from Bedroom Prince on certain aspects of equipment that I'm not familiar with...it involves having more than I'm used to. Not more size, necessarily...but just more...you know?
There is so much to learn!
Qu'est-ce que fuck?! I really wanted a party! I can't afford cake whenever I want! I can't afford snacks! I can't afford the company of my family all the time! And I certainly can't afford pretty fairy hair ties, which is really all I wanted as presents.
humph.
In other news, hottie baseball player has caught me in a trap. He is the sweetest thing by night and totally aloof by knight (he plays a knight). Now I'm a little too interested.
At the end of yesterday, he took off most of his costume so he was just wearing his black velvet tights and knee high boots. Oh man. I stared so shamelessly. He noticed, but I notice when he stares at my boobs! Now he knows how it feels! ...kinda nice...but kinda creepy! But nice.
I need advice from Bedroom Prince on certain aspects of equipment that I'm not familiar with...it involves having more than I'm used to. Not more size, necessarily...but just more...you know?
There is so much to learn!
Friday, June 16, 2006
lost ring cat scratch no la vie boheme blues
Okay, first of all, in real player, my "rent mix" (a playlist that consists of my favourites from both the show and the movie) is for some stupid reason not working! Everything else is! I really wanna get ready to out tonight today!
Secondly, my cat had a hissy fit (literally, he was hissing like crazy) last night and scratched me a lot on my hands and wrists! I mean, yeah I look more like a warrior, but a lot less like a sane person...usually the look I'm going for.
I lost the ring that hottie baseball player gave me. That's not nice! I have to buy a new one when I get there just so I don't offend him. I suck!
There are almost done banannas in the kitchen that I WANT to eat! I really do! I just don't want to...
I get to play with a baby today! Hopefully, she'll remind me why I SHOULD NOT have a baby right now. Probably, she will make me want to have a baby right now.
There's this girl on msn whose name is "life is always waiting for you to live it!" Where does she get off?
I didn't get fired. I didn't get another job! Not cool.
I have pizza pockets in the oven! Woo hoo! Pizza for breakfast! Life is good!
I miss my friends. I had dinner with an old friend. We ended (as in divorced) a couple of years ago and it was awful. Very bad break up. Our dinner was light and casual and fun. And now, apparantly we're friends again. I need my other friends, the ones I've gotten close to in the past two years and the ones I loved in school, to help me stay me! where are you?
My lovah told me that I have beautiful eyes last night. And that I have great eyes. I think he rarely compliments me so that when he does, I have a tiny orgasm.
I want to write something. Almost only for the purpose of surprising people. Most people who know me don't think I write. They're right, but wouldn't it be cool if I did? However, if I had a writer friend who put out a cd or something, I'd be pretty pissed.
I just showered and my feet are still dirty. That means it's SUMMER!
I fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up with a broken arm. Well, that's what it felt like!
I'm starting to doubt weather Snape is good...I mean, he did kill Dumbledore...
I have a cavity and there's nothing I can do about it. Because sitting on your ass does not have a dental plan.
I don't have shoes again for the faire this weekend. I have to buy some today...for...2 dollars? I have a fan though! no face sweat for me!
If one more person tells me I'm sunburnt, I'll scream!
The way I'm sitting at my computer makes me look like a big ball of fat rolls! when I sit up, I look like a goddess!
There. My head is completely empty.
Secondly, my cat had a hissy fit (literally, he was hissing like crazy) last night and scratched me a lot on my hands and wrists! I mean, yeah I look more like a warrior, but a lot less like a sane person...usually the look I'm going for.
I lost the ring that hottie baseball player gave me. That's not nice! I have to buy a new one when I get there just so I don't offend him. I suck!
There are almost done banannas in the kitchen that I WANT to eat! I really do! I just don't want to...
I get to play with a baby today! Hopefully, she'll remind me why I SHOULD NOT have a baby right now. Probably, she will make me want to have a baby right now.
There's this girl on msn whose name is "life is always waiting for you to live it!" Where does she get off?
I didn't get fired. I didn't get another job! Not cool.
I have pizza pockets in the oven! Woo hoo! Pizza for breakfast! Life is good!
I miss my friends. I had dinner with an old friend. We ended (as in divorced) a couple of years ago and it was awful. Very bad break up. Our dinner was light and casual and fun. And now, apparantly we're friends again. I need my other friends, the ones I've gotten close to in the past two years and the ones I loved in school, to help me stay me! where are you?
My lovah told me that I have beautiful eyes last night. And that I have great eyes. I think he rarely compliments me so that when he does, I have a tiny orgasm.
I want to write something. Almost only for the purpose of surprising people. Most people who know me don't think I write. They're right, but wouldn't it be cool if I did? However, if I had a writer friend who put out a cd or something, I'd be pretty pissed.
I just showered and my feet are still dirty. That means it's SUMMER!
I fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up with a broken arm. Well, that's what it felt like!
I'm starting to doubt weather Snape is good...I mean, he did kill Dumbledore...
I have a cavity and there's nothing I can do about it. Because sitting on your ass does not have a dental plan.
I don't have shoes again for the faire this weekend. I have to buy some today...for...2 dollars? I have a fan though! no face sweat for me!
If one more person tells me I'm sunburnt, I'll scream!
The way I'm sitting at my computer makes me look like a big ball of fat rolls! when I sit up, I look like a goddess!
There. My head is completely empty.
Monday, June 12, 2006
burn
Ow. The sun hates me.
Holy crap. I totally got some Penn Renn action.
Making out with hottie baseball player was super duper fun.
This is a guy who I thought hated me all last summer. I thought he was so indifferent this summer...and turns out he likes me. He thinks I'm beautiful and...now he bought me a ring from the faire. great.
um, am I a bitch? I just wanted to make out! He knows that no one can replace my lovah! No one ever! Meh...does this mean I have to not make out with him next weekend? he's ruining my perfect situation with feelings! What is he, a woman?
In other news, I'm pretty close to being fired. I don't know why my boss has held on to me this long, I really deserve to be fired. I'm sun struck from the weekend...but really I just have to be at a school today because it is the play Annie! I didn't tell him that, I told him I have heat stroke.
I'm gonna get a doctors note to prove it! But that's just for the principal...maybe I should make it obvious that I'm lying so I can really really get fired. I found a new nannying job, but someone just quit at the restaurant and I don't want to leave them hanging...but hanging I shall have to leave them if I don't find anyone else...
I am a bitch. Usually I care more about others, I swear.
Okay, I have to go get completely ready for Annie...I have no props or costumes prepared. somebody kill me.
Holy crap. I totally got some Penn Renn action.
Making out with hottie baseball player was super duper fun.
This is a guy who I thought hated me all last summer. I thought he was so indifferent this summer...and turns out he likes me. He thinks I'm beautiful and...now he bought me a ring from the faire. great.
um, am I a bitch? I just wanted to make out! He knows that no one can replace my lovah! No one ever! Meh...does this mean I have to not make out with him next weekend? he's ruining my perfect situation with feelings! What is he, a woman?
In other news, I'm pretty close to being fired. I don't know why my boss has held on to me this long, I really deserve to be fired. I'm sun struck from the weekend...but really I just have to be at a school today because it is the play Annie! I didn't tell him that, I told him I have heat stroke.
I'm gonna get a doctors note to prove it! But that's just for the principal...maybe I should make it obvious that I'm lying so I can really really get fired. I found a new nannying job, but someone just quit at the restaurant and I don't want to leave them hanging...but hanging I shall have to leave them if I don't find anyone else...
I am a bitch. Usually I care more about others, I swear.
Okay, I have to go get completely ready for Annie...I have no props or costumes prepared. somebody kill me.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Cry if I Want To
That's right. It's my birthday.
I'm 23 years old...and exactly where I should be.
before you read this, I'd like you to know that I'm in a wonderful mood (with a slight hangover). I don't feel like crying at all!
Now...Exactly where I should be. I've always known my place. Inately that is. I never put myself in my place, I just exist there. For example, this girl told me I was square when I was 11. I was asking her to hook me up with a guy and she was saying that he would want to do more than just kiss. A lot more. And I just thought, I'm not square, I'm eleven!
These were the goals I made two years ago for my 23rd birthday:
-I must have a computer (check!)
-I must have had at least three paying gigs (just started my third!)
-I must have a paying gig lined up (well, I have one for september...I just might not be able to do it)
-I must be with the man I will marry (stupid goal, but I acheived it nonetheless)
-I must be able to pay $750 rent by myself (wow. okay, well I could work like a motherfucker. I could work harder at being a server and take more shifts, but I choose not to. Good choice, eh?)
I think there was one about travelling...but I'm doing that in the fall in abundance. so I'm cool with that.
My ultimate goal is to be AHEAD OF THE GAME. Not because I'm hard on myself, but because I'm greedy and selfish. I want a lot of stuff and I want it now!
I'm so boring being exactly where I should be. Why am I not immortal? Or worshipped? Or at the very least, rich and famous?! I'm a normal, struggling, in love, on-my-way 23 year old!
BORING!
I need to publish a book right now, get a great gig right now, get married right now, start a charity right now, open a theatre right now and create a tv show right now!
At least, and I really believe this, I far surpass everyone in friendship. Not that I'm a superior friend, oh not by any means. But for some awesome reason, I have the most superior friends ever! I miss and love everyone so much! There are so many of you! And so close (to my heart)!
Happy Birthday to me!
I'm 23 years old...and exactly where I should be.
before you read this, I'd like you to know that I'm in a wonderful mood (with a slight hangover). I don't feel like crying at all!
Now...Exactly where I should be. I've always known my place. Inately that is. I never put myself in my place, I just exist there. For example, this girl told me I was square when I was 11. I was asking her to hook me up with a guy and she was saying that he would want to do more than just kiss. A lot more. And I just thought, I'm not square, I'm eleven!
These were the goals I made two years ago for my 23rd birthday:
-I must have a computer (check!)
-I must have had at least three paying gigs (just started my third!)
-I must have a paying gig lined up (well, I have one for september...I just might not be able to do it)
-I must be with the man I will marry (stupid goal, but I acheived it nonetheless)
-I must be able to pay $750 rent by myself (wow. okay, well I could work like a motherfucker. I could work harder at being a server and take more shifts, but I choose not to. Good choice, eh?)
I think there was one about travelling...but I'm doing that in the fall in abundance. so I'm cool with that.
My ultimate goal is to be AHEAD OF THE GAME. Not because I'm hard on myself, but because I'm greedy and selfish. I want a lot of stuff and I want it now!
I'm so boring being exactly where I should be. Why am I not immortal? Or worshipped? Or at the very least, rich and famous?! I'm a normal, struggling, in love, on-my-way 23 year old!
BORING!
I need to publish a book right now, get a great gig right now, get married right now, start a charity right now, open a theatre right now and create a tv show right now!
At least, and I really believe this, I far surpass everyone in friendship. Not that I'm a superior friend, oh not by any means. But for some awesome reason, I have the most superior friends ever! I miss and love everyone so much! There are so many of you! And so close (to my heart)!
Happy Birthday to me!
Monday, June 05, 2006
Who am I, Charlie Brown?/Torture
Sometimes, I feel like the smartest person in the world. I have it all figured out. I know the answer to everything.
But usually, I feel stupid. I feel uneducated, unitelligent...unsmart. I don't have good ideas, and when I do, I can't express them right. or well. or at all.
I can't write. My sentence pulling together skills are crap. I'm not clever. I'm not witty. I'm not unique or original.
I don't get politics or world issues or science or math or evolution or why the sky is blue or how to budjet or big words...
After reading my circle of blogs, I kind of felt like the dumbest among them. (They're quoting Sartre and referring to Simone de Bauvoir...who by the way I knew were lovahs!)
Okay, I know I'm not stupid. But I feel very inadequate in many areas of my life. The smartest thing I've done, though, is made friends with smart people! I love my intelligent, witty, clever, funny, punny, educated friends. And I live with the smartest person I know!
***
I have a very different idea to post.
I am sexually charged. Unfortunately, it wasn't because of my lovah!
I have a gig in Pennsylvania on the weekends with a group of people who are...well, actors. Naturally, a big group of rennies (Renaissance Faire people) stuck in a hotel on a rainy weekend is bound to end up in some form of an orgy. Ours was a massage orgy (not the best kind, but a good kind nonetheless).
Now, one of this group is a baseball player.
Mmmm.
Sorry, drooling.
His arms are beeeutiful. His abs are fantastic. His lips are adorable. His legs are delicious.
This guy's ass is dreamy. It's hot. It's hmmmm...drooling again.... it's perfect.
He gave me a massage from head to toe. Well, from toe to head. He cuddled me to "sleep." (sleep is in quotes because I couldn't sleep at all, not when I was that excited!) He breathed into my ear. I told him he was teasing me. In all fairness I was teasing him...a lot. And he told me so. So I said I'd stop. And he said no. Why couldn't we stop? Teasing is AWESOME. He told me it was my fault for having a boyfriend, that's why we couldn't go any further. I told him my boyfriend doesn't care about stuff like that. He still respected my relationship. Asshole.
It was the first out of SEVEN weekends. I'm fucked! Well, not literally...hopefully not literally! Unless it's by my lovah. Who couldn't come home until 4 am last night, so I had to make do with the internet. ARGH!
Now that I'm home, I asked my lovah if he really didn't mind about stuff like making out. He already asked me this before and I said: "no you retard, what the hell do I care, just don't love anyone more than me." Which would be impossible because I'm the awesomest and no one else would put up with him. So I figured his answer would be the same. And I won't love anyone better than him because he's the awesomest and no one else would put up with me. His answer was the same. He said he was surprised we already didn't make out. So it's settled...
For some lucky reason, there was no alcohol. A whole motherfucking weekend of foreplay and no alcohol makes Alathariel a dull boy...what? Whatever.
Next weekend I'm going Bedroom Prince style--that's a bottle half full of orange juice and half full of vodka.
Seriously, though, I need another image in my head than his ass. I can't stop thinking about it!
Oh! And a tight knit group like us obviously give each other ass slaps in stead of high fives, right? Well, this dude gives the best fucking ass slaps in the world! plush on the middle of the cheek. And those who know me know I love my ass. A lot....meh, I'm gonna pass out...
That's it! Lovah, wake up! I need some booty NOW!
But usually, I feel stupid. I feel uneducated, unitelligent...unsmart. I don't have good ideas, and when I do, I can't express them right. or well. or at all.
I can't write. My sentence pulling together skills are crap. I'm not clever. I'm not witty. I'm not unique or original.
I don't get politics or world issues or science or math or evolution or why the sky is blue or how to budjet or big words...
After reading my circle of blogs, I kind of felt like the dumbest among them. (They're quoting Sartre and referring to Simone de Bauvoir...who by the way I knew were lovahs!)
Okay, I know I'm not stupid. But I feel very inadequate in many areas of my life. The smartest thing I've done, though, is made friends with smart people! I love my intelligent, witty, clever, funny, punny, educated friends. And I live with the smartest person I know!
***
I have a very different idea to post.
I am sexually charged. Unfortunately, it wasn't because of my lovah!
I have a gig in Pennsylvania on the weekends with a group of people who are...well, actors. Naturally, a big group of rennies (Renaissance Faire people) stuck in a hotel on a rainy weekend is bound to end up in some form of an orgy. Ours was a massage orgy (not the best kind, but a good kind nonetheless).
Now, one of this group is a baseball player.
Mmmm.
Sorry, drooling.
His arms are beeeutiful. His abs are fantastic. His lips are adorable. His legs are delicious.
This guy's ass is dreamy. It's hot. It's hmmmm...drooling again.... it's perfect.
He gave me a massage from head to toe. Well, from toe to head. He cuddled me to "sleep." (sleep is in quotes because I couldn't sleep at all, not when I was that excited!) He breathed into my ear. I told him he was teasing me. In all fairness I was teasing him...a lot. And he told me so. So I said I'd stop. And he said no. Why couldn't we stop? Teasing is AWESOME. He told me it was my fault for having a boyfriend, that's why we couldn't go any further. I told him my boyfriend doesn't care about stuff like that. He still respected my relationship. Asshole.
It was the first out of SEVEN weekends. I'm fucked! Well, not literally...hopefully not literally! Unless it's by my lovah. Who couldn't come home until 4 am last night, so I had to make do with the internet. ARGH!
Now that I'm home, I asked my lovah if he really didn't mind about stuff like making out. He already asked me this before and I said: "no you retard, what the hell do I care, just don't love anyone more than me." Which would be impossible because I'm the awesomest and no one else would put up with him. So I figured his answer would be the same. And I won't love anyone better than him because he's the awesomest and no one else would put up with me. His answer was the same. He said he was surprised we already didn't make out. So it's settled...
For some lucky reason, there was no alcohol. A whole motherfucking weekend of foreplay and no alcohol makes Alathariel a dull boy...what? Whatever.
Next weekend I'm going Bedroom Prince style--that's a bottle half full of orange juice and half full of vodka.
Seriously, though, I need another image in my head than his ass. I can't stop thinking about it!
Oh! And a tight knit group like us obviously give each other ass slaps in stead of high fives, right? Well, this dude gives the best fucking ass slaps in the world! plush on the middle of the cheek. And those who know me know I love my ass. A lot....meh, I'm gonna pass out...
That's it! Lovah, wake up! I need some booty NOW!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Ssssssssssssssssssteam Heat
Holy crap it's hot in my apartment. Neenia, you got out just in time.
My lovah and I are MUCH too hot to have any contact at all, let alone crazy sex. We slept on our futon as it's bigger than our bed. We had two fans on us all night and I kept spraying myself with the bottle normally reserved for diciplining my cat.
I'm actually going to the gym right now. It'll be air conditioned, so I won't actually sweat as much on the elyptical (sp?) as I did sleeping.
But another thing. Oh another thing.
Skinny Rabbit, I'm sure the Ottawa Transit System sucks. But do you remember Toronto? Well the TTC went on strike yesterday. Yup, apparently they--like everyone else in the universe--decided they don't want to work on Mondays. BUT WE ALL WENT! I walked for two hours to get to work on not so flat ground. Then had to have a slightly uncomfortable drive with my boss. Then had to walk for what I thought would be ten minutes but was actually fourty five, to get to the GO Bus--it runs! And I was late for rehearsal.
My tip cup at work said: "The Why Do I Have A Metropass Fund"
Dude, I'm seriously pissed off. I demand revenge. If I don't get money back from last month's pass and a free pass for next month, then I think all the TTC employees should have to walk for 4 hours up and down Yonge Street in the sun. That's the logical consequence.
But the experience made me realise that walking to work is not the worst thing in the world. It was just bad because I was angry (that's not every day) and hot (which I'll be better prepared for in the future).
So I propose--if I don't get my free stuff--a boycott to the TTC! I don't need it! I refuse to get a pass! Who's with me?
My lovah and I are MUCH too hot to have any contact at all, let alone crazy sex. We slept on our futon as it's bigger than our bed. We had two fans on us all night and I kept spraying myself with the bottle normally reserved for diciplining my cat.
I'm actually going to the gym right now. It'll be air conditioned, so I won't actually sweat as much on the elyptical (sp?) as I did sleeping.
But another thing. Oh another thing.
Skinny Rabbit, I'm sure the Ottawa Transit System sucks. But do you remember Toronto? Well the TTC went on strike yesterday. Yup, apparently they--like everyone else in the universe--decided they don't want to work on Mondays. BUT WE ALL WENT! I walked for two hours to get to work on not so flat ground. Then had to have a slightly uncomfortable drive with my boss. Then had to walk for what I thought would be ten minutes but was actually fourty five, to get to the GO Bus--it runs! And I was late for rehearsal.
My tip cup at work said: "The Why Do I Have A Metropass Fund"
Dude, I'm seriously pissed off. I demand revenge. If I don't get money back from last month's pass and a free pass for next month, then I think all the TTC employees should have to walk for 4 hours up and down Yonge Street in the sun. That's the logical consequence.
But the experience made me realise that walking to work is not the worst thing in the world. It was just bad because I was angry (that's not every day) and hot (which I'll be better prepared for in the future).
So I propose--if I don't get my free stuff--a boycott to the TTC! I don't need it! I refuse to get a pass! Who's with me?
Friday, May 26, 2006
Too Much Caffeine
I am in a strange mood!
My hands are shaking.
I felt so anxious this morning, money, duties, preparation, blah blah blah (wash it all away).
And then I got to TA a shakespeare (my specialty) class that made me feel so good about myself! I'm useful! I'm helpful! I'm smart! I'm funny!
Then I had a crazy conversation with my lovah about everything. I'm happy! I'm sad! I'm satisfied! I need more! I'm horny! I'm hungry! I'm hot! I'm ugly! I'm important! I'm insignificant! I'm free!
Then more anxiety about money, duties, preparation, blah blah blah!
Then talking to people it's difficult to talk to! I feel weird! Wait, they have a different definition of "weird," they think it means "dirty" or "gross" or "innapropriate!" Find another word to describe how I feel! Joyful! Crazy! Weird! No! Not weird! Funny! Anxious! Loving! Angry! Confused! But in a good way! But in a weird way! I don't know!
I'm trying to redefine the word "God" so that when other people use it, I don't picture an old man wearing a toga throwing lightning bolts and listening with understanding. I'm trying to visualise "Mother Earth" every time someone says "God." Or something. Ah!
I am inspired to do or do not. There is no try. That's hard because I'm going to try to do or do not. That does not make sense. I need to do. Or do not. There is no try. Beat it with a stick, Alathariel.
I will be satisfied. I will be good. I will tone my arms. I will not watch so much TV. I will save money. I will spend time with everyone I want to spend time with. I will have my theatre. I will have my TV show. I will have a gazillion dollars. I will sing like an angel. I will be in the original cast of something special. I will make other people feel special. I will help. I will pay my mother back for everything she has done. I will be a sister. I will learn more. I will teach better. I will not lose my patience. I will neither a borrower nor a lender be. I will be a mother. I will eat well. I will not lose sight of important things. I will be important. I will be humble. I will be organised. I will stay crazy. I will grow up. I will belt like a banshee. I will fuck like a tiger. I will rock like a superstar. I will hit the heights. I will continue to do my laundry. I will travel. I will have a home. I will share. I will get what I want. I will grow my hair. I will be idolised. I will be loved. I will be immortal. I will be creative. I will be productive. I will answer questions. I will learn Empire Strikes Back off by heart. I will stay up late. I will cook. I will not nag. I will do what is right. I will be spectacular. I will feel the love. I will spread the love.
Following each one of those, add "starting now!"
I'll always be starting.
Love is a sickness and it's cure. Perpetual rejuvination.
Know what I mean?
My hands are shaking.
I felt so anxious this morning, money, duties, preparation, blah blah blah (wash it all away).
And then I got to TA a shakespeare (my specialty) class that made me feel so good about myself! I'm useful! I'm helpful! I'm smart! I'm funny!
Then I had a crazy conversation with my lovah about everything. I'm happy! I'm sad! I'm satisfied! I need more! I'm horny! I'm hungry! I'm hot! I'm ugly! I'm important! I'm insignificant! I'm free!
Then more anxiety about money, duties, preparation, blah blah blah!
Then talking to people it's difficult to talk to! I feel weird! Wait, they have a different definition of "weird," they think it means "dirty" or "gross" or "innapropriate!" Find another word to describe how I feel! Joyful! Crazy! Weird! No! Not weird! Funny! Anxious! Loving! Angry! Confused! But in a good way! But in a weird way! I don't know!
I'm trying to redefine the word "God" so that when other people use it, I don't picture an old man wearing a toga throwing lightning bolts and listening with understanding. I'm trying to visualise "Mother Earth" every time someone says "God." Or something. Ah!
I am inspired to do or do not. There is no try. That's hard because I'm going to try to do or do not. That does not make sense. I need to do. Or do not. There is no try. Beat it with a stick, Alathariel.
I will be satisfied. I will be good. I will tone my arms. I will not watch so much TV. I will save money. I will spend time with everyone I want to spend time with. I will have my theatre. I will have my TV show. I will have a gazillion dollars. I will sing like an angel. I will be in the original cast of something special. I will make other people feel special. I will help. I will pay my mother back for everything she has done. I will be a sister. I will learn more. I will teach better. I will not lose my patience. I will neither a borrower nor a lender be. I will be a mother. I will eat well. I will not lose sight of important things. I will be important. I will be humble. I will be organised. I will stay crazy. I will grow up. I will belt like a banshee. I will fuck like a tiger. I will rock like a superstar. I will hit the heights. I will continue to do my laundry. I will travel. I will have a home. I will share. I will get what I want. I will grow my hair. I will be idolised. I will be loved. I will be immortal. I will be creative. I will be productive. I will answer questions. I will learn Empire Strikes Back off by heart. I will stay up late. I will cook. I will not nag. I will do what is right. I will be spectacular. I will feel the love. I will spread the love.
Following each one of those, add "starting now!"
I'll always be starting.
Love is a sickness and it's cure. Perpetual rejuvination.
Know what I mean?
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
You Can't Trust Women
So it says on my Rogers box that Gilmore Girls is on right now on chanel 27, the women's network. But do you know what's on? An infomercial for something called Turbo Jam. What the fuck? I really wanna watch Gilmore Girls! It gives a full description of the episode and everything. It's a good one! Why is turbo jam on? It's crap! the people are tanned orange with white blond hair. (Neenia, when I say "bawdy" you say "jayam!") This is bullshit.
Know what else is bullshit? well I can't tell you because it's a secret. It's no big deal but I cannot betray someone's trust. The main thing is someone did something that I thought should have been done with me if done at all. Whatever. I'm being rediculous. But I just wanna be the most important person in everyone else's life, is that too much to ask?
I'm just upset because the only thing that's on right now is KING OF THE HILL! WHY? WHY? WHY?
Know what else is bullshit? well I can't tell you because it's a secret. It's no big deal but I cannot betray someone's trust. The main thing is someone did something that I thought should have been done with me if done at all. Whatever. I'm being rediculous. But I just wanna be the most important person in everyone else's life, is that too much to ask?
I'm just upset because the only thing that's on right now is KING OF THE HILL! WHY? WHY? WHY?
Sunday, May 21, 2006
No Red Roses and Waterfalls for Me!
My lovah and I were talking about how he's not romantic. At all.
He didn't quite agree with me, and I gave him an example. "When I cry," I said "you hate it. But you don't say it's because you love me and you don't want to see a loved one hurt, you think of all these logical reasons why I shouldn't be crying. You don't even think it's because you love me and hate to see me sad, but that's what's going on."
I went on to say he doesn't believe in an epic love or soulmates or even true love.
And he said something like, where there's great romance, there's disfunction (but not as eloquently) to which I said "What do you mean?" And he said something like the more romance there is in a relationship, the more drama and therefore nothing is really healthy...somthing like that. Then he said--and this is the clencher--his parents, his role models for a couple, "are the kind of couple who will be together forever and that's what I think you and I have." As simple as that.
Dude, it's just a matter of time before the ring is on my finger.
Just kidding.
I didn't hear the rest of the crap he was talking about, something to do with everyone else, what the fuck do I care? Tears were streaming down my face, obviously I was hiding them, I didn't want him to see me cry because he luhs me so much.
We're gonna be together forever.
Who needs romance when you think that way?
He didn't quite agree with me, and I gave him an example. "When I cry," I said "you hate it. But you don't say it's because you love me and you don't want to see a loved one hurt, you think of all these logical reasons why I shouldn't be crying. You don't even think it's because you love me and hate to see me sad, but that's what's going on."
I went on to say he doesn't believe in an epic love or soulmates or even true love.
And he said something like, where there's great romance, there's disfunction (but not as eloquently) to which I said "What do you mean?" And he said something like the more romance there is in a relationship, the more drama and therefore nothing is really healthy...somthing like that. Then he said--and this is the clencher--his parents, his role models for a couple, "are the kind of couple who will be together forever and that's what I think you and I have." As simple as that.
Dude, it's just a matter of time before the ring is on my finger.
Just kidding.
I didn't hear the rest of the crap he was talking about, something to do with everyone else, what the fuck do I care? Tears were streaming down my face, obviously I was hiding them, I didn't want him to see me cry because he luhs me so much.
We're gonna be together forever.
Who needs romance when you think that way?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
All Alone at the Drive-in Movie
I have no friends!!!
When you're only counting on two people, you're gonna get screwed. Everyone who left me, COME BACK!!! If you come back now, I won't leave...okay I probaly will.
FINE! Stay in your crappy non-Toronto places.
I'm going to watch MORE what not to wear. And it's all your fault.
When you're only counting on two people, you're gonna get screwed. Everyone who left me, COME BACK!!! If you come back now, I won't leave...okay I probaly will.
FINE! Stay in your crappy non-Toronto places.
I'm going to watch MORE what not to wear. And it's all your fault.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Would You Light My Candle?
So, it turns out, I'm not as cool as I thought. Go figure.
I love things that don't need electricity. I love gas ovens, coffee bodems, acoustic guitars. But faced with a day and a half of no power, I went crazy. I painted 4 horrible paintings, worked on my crappy book, read someone else's crappy book, wrote bad poetry, over-pet my cat, played with candle wax and burned myself.
I am completely addicted to having the TV face me while I play on the internet, checking my email, commenting on your blog and downloading music, getting something to eat, turning on all the lights and charging my cell phone.
Lame.
Maybe I should light my candles again.
You know what would help? Having millions of dollars. I'm convinced it would solve all my problems. Growing up fairly poor, I learned about the important things in life like friends, family and love. I'm good with those things. I'm happy. The only problems I have involve a lack of extreme wealth.
In conclusion, Toronto Hydro can go fuck themselves.
I love things that don't need electricity. I love gas ovens, coffee bodems, acoustic guitars. But faced with a day and a half of no power, I went crazy. I painted 4 horrible paintings, worked on my crappy book, read someone else's crappy book, wrote bad poetry, over-pet my cat, played with candle wax and burned myself.
I am completely addicted to having the TV face me while I play on the internet, checking my email, commenting on your blog and downloading music, getting something to eat, turning on all the lights and charging my cell phone.
Lame.
Maybe I should light my candles again.
You know what would help? Having millions of dollars. I'm convinced it would solve all my problems. Growing up fairly poor, I learned about the important things in life like friends, family and love. I'm good with those things. I'm happy. The only problems I have involve a lack of extreme wealth.
In conclusion, Toronto Hydro can go fuck themselves.
Monday, May 15, 2006
All the World's a Stage
I love acting! I love it!
And I know it's not the point, but I LOVE getting paid for it!
I have two characters to care about! I therefore do not care about customers or cutlery or tables or tequila anymore! Okay, I care a little about tequila still.
I got told by a Tarrot card reader that I was worried that what I was doing (career wise) was empty but it's not. I'm so glad he said it. Theatre is so not empty, even though I can't explain what it's actually full of.
Anyway, happiness is morning and evening, daytime and nighttime, too.
And I know it's not the point, but I LOVE getting paid for it!
I have two characters to care about! I therefore do not care about customers or cutlery or tables or tequila anymore! Okay, I care a little about tequila still.
I got told by a Tarrot card reader that I was worried that what I was doing (career wise) was empty but it's not. I'm so glad he said it. Theatre is so not empty, even though I can't explain what it's actually full of.
Anyway, happiness is morning and evening, daytime and nighttime, too.
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