Wrong Again?

ps (pre-script) I had phone sex last night. Hot. I totally needed that distraction.

Speaking of distractions, Harry Potter. More to the point, Ron and Hermione. Quand le fuck are they getting together? I seriously cannot wait. I think I have a disease. I've been watching interviews and silly clips on YouTube. I'm seriously sick. I also...really like Ron. Meaning I think he's super hot. Ron from the book, of course, and ...yes, Rupert Grint, too. It's true. I don't care. I totally want him. He's like, what 17 now? Surely, that's fine. My mom is dating a 34 year old, that's 11 years younger than her...so I can sleep with Ron right? Or the twins?

I wish we could have the grown up versions of Harry Potter. Grown up versions meaning everything is the same but we get to see the dirty stuff and hear the swear words. Seriously, I know. I have issues.

mua ha ha ha ha ha!!

I think I'm part evil.

I'm online with Baseball Knight right now, we were flirty slightly dirtily, and he said 'so what's happening with you and your lovah when you get back' and I said 'it'll be the same as always--we'll live together and have an open relationship--does that put a downer on your fantasy?' and he said 'i'm not gonna lie, yes.' and said 'but you never showed signs of wanting more' and he said 'well i did and still do'

and now i'm grinning smugly and excitedly. Why am i so mean?

haha. he's a manwhore, so he'll be fine. whatever. i miss my lovah, i miss excitement, i miss the city and i miss sex.

Whine With My Swiss Cheese

I know that I need to stop complaining. But now I have a headache. I'm allergic to this country. Driving here is fucking ridiculously hard, stupid french is hard, watching children when the mother is around is hard, playing princess when you don't even get to be in charge is hard, cooking meals for picky eaters is hard, being away from loved ones is REALLY hard, not having sex when you want to is hard, not going on the internet to look up erotic stories in private is hard, stupid french is hard and stupid driving is hard. But really I just want my lovah and a bed and my own bed and my own kitchen (shared with some roommates is okay) in english. But I also want to not pay for rent or food and to have opportunities to take karate and clown and fencing and archery and to travel and ...stuff.

I'm here for a reason. But I'm Rory-ing it, and at this headache ridden moment, the cons are outweighing the pros. But I'm here for a reason.

It'll get better, it hasn't even been 2 weeks.

And all of my stupid old insecurities kick in. Blech. No one will like me, I sound stupid, I'm not good at this, I don't fit in...

of course I don't.

oh well. I'll be home at Christmastime.

Send some love to Sion, please.

hella lame

um, you know when you check the computer regularly for signs of life, and you blog at least once a day?

well you know how it feels when other people don't blog?

BLOG AGAIN, ALL OF YOU!

logging, not blogging.

sorry my beloved blog loves. my computer isn't working so i can't write in my room. much like bedroom prince, that's where i blog. so i'm just writing in my journal a lot. i'll copy all of those entries into here because they're good.

love you all and missing you so much that i've performed magic to comfort myself with the memories of you.

WTF?

What the mother cock shit?
Qu'est-ce que fuck?

Switzerland is fucking hot.
Sion is bloody spectacular.
Sexual.
What am I doing here?

I'll write coherent crap later.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

So this is it. I will still be blogging on Quill and Ink to keep you updated with my very personal stuff, but I will be in Switzerland.

I know I never see Miss Pants and Skinny Rabbit is pretty far away, and I almost never see Arts Monkey...okay, so maybe none of you will technically miss me, but I know that knowing I'm not in my bed with my lovah on Clinton will tear you up inside.

And knowing I'm away and you're still here but I'm not here, will tear me up inside. It's going to be a hard year.

Goodbye until tomorrow.

ps you know little baby jaguar? I had dinner with his family last night and at the end, he ran up to me, kissed my leg and said "I'm not going to miss you, bye!"

The Devil Wears H&M

Just to kinda copy Skinny Rabbit, I went shopping! At H&M! I got a new coat! It's black and it has princess shoulders. And I got a new hat, it's wide brimmed and black as well. And I got new black gloves and a new black shirt and a new black bra. Apparently, I like that colour.

But really, it's good because I can wear whatever colour scarf and it'll change my look. Right now I have a red scarf that my lovah bought me. He has a matching one.

Aaah! I have to start thinking about packing! That's gonna be a tough job.

A Night's Tale is on. How do I feel about this movie? I can't tell.
It makes me want to be in that time. But the movies that clean up the horrible world that was the past always make me want to live then.

Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada? It gave me an eating disorder, but it was good.

That's all.

Jet Plane

my bags aren't packed
I'm not ready to go
I need some time
need one more show
I hate to wake you up to say I'm scared

the dawn has broken
it's almost noon
the tickets are booked
I'm leaving soon
already I'm so lonesome I could die

The Rage!

Sometimes I get so angry that my blood boils. My hands really do ball into fists and my nails dig into my skin.

My reaction? I want to write a letter.

Canadians really are pussies.

Show me the Beast!

Can I just say how jealous I am of Skinny-Rabbit and especially Miss Pants? What an amazing story they get to portray! I'm watching the movie now with two feverish children. I don't think they're as enchanted as I or the castle.

I love the very beginning with the music and the narrator. I love "Little town..." I love the blond whores. I love "Oh no!" "Oh Yes!" "Oh no!" "Oh yes!" I love love love the library more than anything in this world. I love when Cogsworth finally goes crazy and stabs a guy in the butt. I love when Belle comes back for the Beast and that saves him. I love when Gaston says "Did you honestly think she'd want you when she could have someone like me?" in that funny voice. I love when Belle's hair finally comes down in the rain and she looks really hot. I love when magical light shines out through the beast. I love when Belle gazes into the nameless prince's human eyes and says "it is you!"

"It is a miracle!"

Zoom out from the beautiful stainglass window of the lovahs dancing and cue Celine Dion.

What a great way to spend a sick day.

Excitement Strikes Again

Dammit!
Baseball Knight talked to me on msn last night and was saying dirty funny things. Typical. But then he asked if we could see each other before I go. I thought there was a hint of "sleep together" before I go, but I wasn't sure. then I "brb"'d him and and when I got back it said "And this time I promise it will last A LOT longer than last time" "I wasn't in a good place in Pennsylvania..." "I'm very happy with my life and who I am now" "...hello?"
And I was like "ah!" But he was offline.

So I wrote him an email saying I wasn't ignoring him, I'm glad he's happy now and I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Isn't it funny to promise that it will last a lot longer this time? What are we, in high school? I feel like I'm slumming it with the immature. And I like it.

"Yes please Mrs. Adams!"

Then I had sex dreams about him all night. I don't get me. I love my lovah more than anything. the sex is amazing. AMAZING. never wanting anything. We have passionate, exciting, fun, loving, funny, unique, sexy sex.

Yet immature baseball knight really excites me! Why? I don't need him!

Oh well. I'm looking forward to living out last night's dreams (and for it not to live up to them).

Plug

Argh. All thoughts and no internet make Alathariel a dull girl.

All greens and no chocolate make Alathariel go crazy.

I've started the soup diet.

My head hurts, I hate celery now, I hate green beens more than ever and all I want, ALL I WANT IS TWO CHEESEBURGERS FROM MCDONALDS!

But The Mermaids have recorded their first album: Radiant in Ribbons

Please go to their release party: The Undescribable Unveiling

Also, please attend: The Forlorn Farewell to say goodbye to Alathariel for a year.

They are one in the same event, though one makes you cry while the other makes you dance. (I hope the Unveiling is the one that makes you dance...)

Tequila Sunrise. 212 Adelaide. 10:00

Be there or be square.

Just

I do it to myself.

But I get some things done! I do! My list is almost complete! It's just the second most important thing I haven't done yet.

I just read an old (drunken) journal entry where I promised myself that things would be different. Well, I lied. I am in a disfunctional, dishonest relationship with myself and it's probably going to get worse.

But...I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. I'm cocky that way.

nostalgia

I wish I could go back to college
In college you know who you are
You sit in the quad
and you think "oh my god,
I am totally gonna go far!"

What a silly concept to ask "who am I?"

but I do. because I don't know sometimes.
I think I do know but I cloud it because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings.
I lose track.

How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
I wish I had taken more pictures...

And put them in a pretty scrapbook to look at at times like these.

Not So Wise

I am trying to learn the language of the world as they say in "The Alchemist."
I don't know how to do that while there are things to do and responsibilities to ...see through.

There's a part in the book where a boy goes to a wise man to learn the path to happiness or the meaning of life or something. When he gets to the wise man's castle, it is bustling and the wise man is talking to many other travelors and advisors and what have you. It takes two hours for the wise man to get to the boy and then he says "I have no time right now to tell you about the meaning of life, but feel free to look around my castle at all the wonderful things I have. I need you to hold on to this spoonful of special oil while you do so and don't drop any." So the boy goes all around the castle for 2 hours, his eyes never leaving the spoonful of oil. When he returns to the wise man, the wise man asks if the boy saw all of his prized possessions. The boy is embarrassed saying he was only focusing on the oil. The wise man told him to enjoy himself around the castle for the next two hours. So he did. And when he got back, the wise man was pleased to hear how much the boy loved all of his wonders but was quick to point out that he had spilled the oil. He said "all I can tell you about the meaning of life is this: find happiness in the things around you, but do not forget about the oil."

What the hell does that mean? I mean, I think I know what it means, but that's like, hard.

In any case, read the Alchemist, I'm enjoying it.

All Shook Up/Question Mark?

My hands are shaking and my knees are weak. That Elvis really knew what he was talking about.

Seriously, I'm having trouble typing.

It just hit me. Hard.

My Swiss hosts just sent me the contract. What am I doing? I'm going to Switzerland for a whole year?
This is happening?

What is this I'm feeling? Fear? Excitement? Curiosity? Nerves? Nausia? Joy? Adventure? Fear?

All of the above. A hell of a lot of fear though. good fear. is there good fear?

I'm signing contracts! I'm signing contracts? Why?

Am I really going to be in the hills I've been dreaming about since I watched the Sound of Music every morning when I was 2? Will they really be alive with the sound of music? Do you remember those mountains? They are amazing! they're like a painting, but they're real and I'm going to prove it!

Not only am I gonna have a new room, a new house, a new family, a new job (NO MORE SERVING!!!)...I'm gonna have a new country!...A NEW CONTINENT! I'm in so much shock.

Why hasn't it hit me before now?

How am I gonna make friends? I'm really shy!

Am I going to watch TV while I'm there? I still have to see what happens to Lorelai and Rory but how can I watch TV when I'm in Switzerland? Do they even have electricity?

Am I going to read? I'll be reading in French!

French?! Will I be able to communicate in French? I have a hard enough time communicating in English!

What if I screw up the lives of the kids?

What if I audition for a play but can't be in it because of my au pair work?

Will I have enough money to buy pretty things and pay off my loan? I'll never have enough money to buy pretty things and pay off my loan.

Will I be a good driver? Will I get the kids in a car crash?

Am I going to turn into a grown up? Don't I want to be with my loved ones while I grow up?

Why am I going somewhere where I will be all alone?

What if I get in a fight with my hosts?

Wow, it feels really good asking all of these questions. I'm a little calmer now, though still short of breath.

What am I gonna do without my mom? My family? My friends? My cat? My lovah? My home?

I'll be back. I'll be back a thousand times hotter than I am now.

But the actual reality of this adventure has me all shook up.

ow.

Grumble grumble. Mmmmgroan. My head. *cough cough* ew. groan. my tummy... rrrrgh.

what the hell happened last night?

vague images of a veil...why am I dressed all in white? groan.

grumble. groan.

oh yeah. fake bachelorette party. groan.

did one of my friends hook up at least? yes...that's him in the shower. uh oh, what if he's still in there when I need the toilet? ugh. moan. toilet.

jaggermeister can kiss my ass.

groan. mmmmoan.

shut up cat.

ow. sitting up hurts.

need kd. groan.

never--and I mean it this time--ever doing that again.

Lost one too many of those brain cell things.

Ode to Skinny Rabbit

Showtime is brilliant. I love reading it. It thrills me.

His kicks are beyond incredible.

The best Hermionick we could have found. Watch him in Clairry Potter and the Goblet on Fire. Forget everyone else. He's the one who will make you laugh and cry and hurl.

My cousin.

He thinks he just can't do it alone--but he can.

He can shimmy with the best of them.

He's a pure divo.

He would make out with himself in the mirror like Sarah Silverman.

He eats pizza better than anyone I know.

He has the most amazing stuff. (including Golden Girls and the Muppet Show on DVD!)

The father of my cat.

I'm assuming he has a giant penis.

I taught him how to stage kiss--but he didn't need teaching.

He spends money like there's no tomorrow, but when the time came to step up and pay off his loan, he came through.

He thinks he can do it alone, but he gets by with a little help from his friends.

What a beautiful, talented, bright eyed, interesting, intelligent, pretty, sexual, skinny, silly, hilarious, crazy kid!

Do You Believe In Magic?

I love books. I mostly love books about books. I just started writing a book about books. and book lovers. I don't know what the plot is gonna be but it starts in a bookstore. any ideas? magical ideas? I can't write about a magical ring or sword or locket or wardrobe or flower. it's really tough to be original. how can I get them to another world in a way that's never been done before? and then I need a message. so far, it seems to be heading toward believing in magic and being a good friend. and reading.

books make me cry. they make me worry. they make me obsess. they make me shiver. they change my dreams at night and the way I view the world.

I don't like being in the audience of a theatre because I would rather be a part of the play. but being a part of the behind the scenes of a book involves writing it. I love being in the audience of a book, but it's bitter sweet because I want to be a part of the story. stories that can't happen. Do you know how many times I've tried to move things in my mind like Matilda? or looked in wardrobes? or tried to get sucked into the blank pages of a book? though I know it can't happen, it's so dissapointing when it doesn't.

I'm sure there are some things you wish were true, even if they're not as childish.

Oh well, maybe in writing a magical story about how "life isn't magical until one day..." I'll feel like it's a little more magical.