An Adult Now

I don't believe it myself.

I'm using jargon.

I'm using the word jargon.

I'm speaking to doctors and requesting information.

I'm contacting the purolator people to quabble about cheques.

I'm printing cheques.

I'm a witness.

I'm wearing a pencil skirt and tights and I have make up on.

I'm faxing.

I'm wanting to kill the printer.

I know what a civil litigator is.

I'm using letterheads.

I have office voice mail and a work email address.

I'm typing cover letters.

I have a coffee mug.

I gossip with the receptionist.

I say things like "I'm gonna skip lunch and head out early."

I call important people and say "Hello, this is Alathariel calling from Mr Lawyer Boss's office, I'm wondering if it's possible to reschedule your meeting with Mr Lawyer Boss from November second to anytime after the 7th? On the 12th? Preferably in the morning? That's fine, thank you!"

I'm in an office, at a desk, on a giant mac!

I'm blogging while at work.

yup. I'm an adult now.

Englishtastic

Seriously. I mean, people make jokes that I only love EG because of his accent (and height and gorgeousity) and I brush them off because it's not true. I love him for his ideas, his voice, his eyes, his passion, his creativity, his appreciation of me, his appreciation of all things amazing, he love of sex, his love of football, his penis in my vagina, his need to travel and learn, his need to be a Buddhist monk but with me there so we can "break the rules together." Everything about him, I love. Everything. Well, not where he is when where he is is not where I am, but aside from geography, everything.

Though...he is English. And holy motherfucker is that sexy. Everything he says to me is heightened because of the accent. Like sweet things are a gazillion times sweeter when he says them and cool things are a gazillion times cooler and sexy things... oh man, just bend me over and fuck me mercilessly when EG starts to talk dirty. I can't take it.

I was just in a girly discussion about dirty discussion. A friend tells me that she loves the dirty talk. And I mean filthy. And not just the talk but stuff too. Filthy stuff. Aaaaand, it turns out the conversation itself was turning me on, so I thought I'd better talk about it with my man. So I did. I said a friend gave me courage to ask him to do stuff that I'd like to try. And the second he said "like what?" I got nervous. Well, I was at a bus stop so I really couldn't say stuff. But I hinted until he got really impatient and then I hinted a little more strongly until he guessed some of the things. And then there was silence. And then he said "I could do that." And just as I was getting worried he was turned off by my wanting that, he said "I love that you want that. That is so sexy." And then, and this is my favourite part, he said "you're in big trouble."

And I think I died. He kept trying to tell me he was serious and that I should live my last few months without him as if they were the last in my life because I was going to "get it" when he gets here. hee hee!!! I'm so excited.

part 2

I just saw Across the Universe and am now in love with Jude. Fucking sexy. Singing with a Liverpool accent is sex on a stick.

There's something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover.

Big Blonde and Beautiful

I want to be black. Now. Someone make it happen.

I love being called "a truly amazing woman." By a man. By an English man. By an English man who I love and think is also a truly amazing woman. But not woman. Man. English man. You get it.

Slice off a piece of that hog head cheese
Then take a look inside my book of recipes
Now, don't you sniff around for something fluffy and light
I need a man who brings a man-size appetite!

Singing and dancing and loving fat women and black women alike makes me feel wonderful.

Isn't it funny that wrists gross me out but touching my own eyeball doesn't make me flinch in the least?

Why doesn't everyone have a massage chair.

I am thankful for being home. And I am thankful for having met EG. And I am thankful for theatre. And I am thankful for my friends. And I am thankful for Spaghetti Bolognaise. And I am thankful for Hairspray. And I am thankful for teenage hearthrob Zac Efron.

Suddenly, after turkey tonight, I'm in the mood for green chicken curry coconut soup.

I hope my new room will be sufficiantly purple. Like the apartment I imagine Neenia and I living in.

If I didn't have to play a poor drug addict, I would be so incredibly proud of my body right now.

I offer big love with no apology
How can I deny the world the most of me?

Pukey

Skinny Rabbit wants me to move to England. Is that because he doesn't want me near him? Or because he believes in Love?

I believe in a thing called love. Though, not so much in that song, it got old fast. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.

Are you throwing up yet?

The other day I said something lovely (as usual) on the phone to EG and he said "Oh, Alathariel, why do you love me so?" (Really, this is how he talks.) And I said "I don't know," but then I listed all the reasons that I frequently give all of you. He loves that I love him. He has a big ego that needs to be massaged a lot. I like being the one to massage it. I like making him happy.

You know what makes me happy? When he says my name. I used to think it sounded funny because my real name has an "r" sound at the end and those Englishmen like to not pronounce those kinds of things. But now, I love love love it when he says my name. I was in a cab once talking to him and he said it and I said "I love that, say it again." And when he did, I giggled, of course. So he said it again. And I giggled again. And then he wouldn't stop saying it and man did I ever get excited. It's embarrassing to get that horny in a cab. As if the driver could see me blushing or hear my heart pounding in the crouded nighttime traffic jam.

***

I need to lose weight.

I need to eat.

The solution?

Working out?

Throwing up?

Both?

I try not to eat after 6pm and then my new ninja roommate serves me saussages and cheese at midnight. I now love him.

I try to walk everywhere only to learn that that burns nothing and I cannot lose weight, I just get blisters. At least I'm not polluting.

I try to eat often but small portions. But you can't make small portions of spaghetti. Ooh...I have leftover spaghetti at home...

I try to eat three solid meals a day. Big breakfast, medium lunch, small or no dinner. Who the fuck can wake up at 6am and cook a huge breakfast and stomach it? Not moi!

I try to eat well and get outside and be active. I've been doing that for...a week now. And I want results! Where are my results!

I need instant gratification, por favor! I need to fit into hot things now! I need to start purging everything I binge! It can't be that bad for you! I need to spend all my money on some form of drug that makes me feel full, taste things like cheese and chocolate and steak, lose weight and be fit.

OR

I need a personal...person. If I had a personal person to tell me what to do all the time and help me do it (i.e. eat 5 small meals and then make me the meals) then I'd do it! And I'd have someone to talk to all the time. I get strangely lonely when I'm alone. Even for a short amount of time. I think being alone under willow trees for a year took a lot out of me. Anyway, someone send me a personal person to make me do stuff. Then my body will drive you wild with desire.

As if it doesn't now...

Untitled

My heart hurts with lack of English Gentleman. It's a disease. It must be cured. It will be on December the 14th, so I have to stay strong until then. There are a few treatments until then. The first is theatre and I'm about to sink my teeth into the best role I could ever get in musical theatre. The second is chocolate and I will keep a large supply of the dark stuff for emergencies (it'll be gone by next week). The third is friends and they've already kept me happy and sane. God I love them.

In other news, it seems as though my life is coming together in a way I've been hoping it would for a while. I'm going to be an assistant in a very cool lawyer's office, I'll be babysitting a couple days a week which actually pays a fortune, and I'll be teaching 4 ish classes a week. "Ish" because I think I'll only be assisting in 2 of them. I'm rehearsing for a musical, like I said the best part ever, and I'm co-putting on a burlesque show. I'm doing a kids birthday party this weekend (Anne of Green Gables themed) which will get me started in the department of doing kids birthday parties.

Hmm. Maybe it doesn't sound like much considering I want to be a movie star. I think I'm on my way though.

In the meantime, I have to fix this ache in my heart. Heartache I think it's called. It's hurting me and rendering me incapable of happiness when I'm alone. I hate being alone. I think I've grown allergic to it. I'm so done with it now. I'm so glad I have good company most of the time. I think I can't babysit every day as it's very lonely, even when the baby's awake and giggling. It just leaves me to my heartachy thoughts. And I have a lot of those. I don't think of much else when I'm alone. I hum to myself (to the tune of "Once Upon a Dream" from Sleeping Beauty) and think "EG is hot, EG is great, I love EG. The next time he comes here he will fuck me in this or that position and then I'll cook him breakfast. And I'm going to wear purple flowers in my hair at our wedding and our babies will be named Sebastian and Isabella.."

Should I move to England? I believe I have him wrapped around my little finger, so I think we'll end up here, but before that...before he's finished school, like next spring...should I move to England? Get a role in the West End while he becomes a sports psychologist? We could have a flat in London. Just the two of us. Ruling London town. Then we go to Toronto together, I get my theatre up and running and my TV show gets picked up and he can play for the Toronto FC.

"Are you an idiot?"
"No sir, I'm a dreamer."

The Life of the Party

I have to copy the Prince a little here. Needs vs Wants and so on...

"The Life of the Party" is...I think opposite of me.

Who needs money?
Not me.
Who needs fortune or fame?
I don't need a new career,
A sympathetic ear,
A name.

Okay, I do. I need all of those things. To survive? No, of course, I don't need any of those things.
But who's living just to survive? Can I meet those people and pinch them? I need those things to do what I want to do, to be where I want to be!

All I need is time to play,
Only want the game.

Listen, Kate from The Wild Party the Off-Broadway version, you can have all the time in the world to play, but how are you going to survive? I know you're not living just for survival, neither am I, don't lecture me. But survival is still an integral part of life. If you want to live you have to survive.

Point me to the mic
I know what I like!

Okay, that rhymes, that's why that's in there. But I do like the mic. So the song isn't my opposite. But mostly.

Who needs lovers?
Not I.
Who needs heaven above?
Don't have time for things unsaid,
For baking bread,
For love.

Okay, I'm starting to realise that, yeah, this Kate character is the life of the party, but I guess the play is trying to show that she's shallow. I hope anyway. I hope nobody expects me to not need lovers and heaven and mysteries and bread and love.

Love, bread, things unsaid, heaven, lovers--those things are the life of the party!

A name, a sympathetic ear, a new career, fame, fortune, money--icing, I guess? Well, I like icing, and I need it on my birthday cake.

Bodderfucker!

I'm sick.

I have an audition that I was very excited for and now my throat hurts and my nose is stuffed!!!

Why???

Lovesick!

So!!! I've been skimping on the deets lately. I don't know what to say to fill everyone in, but I know what to say about right now and must get it out!

EG just called me and said, "Okay, Alathariel. Do you still think I'm wonderful?" And I said "Of course I do! You're amazing!" And then he said, "And do you still want to see me?" And I said "Yes, I do!" And then he said "Well, I want to see you again. So let's do this. Let's make it happen."

And so we planned.

He said that we work the same way: we do what our hearts tell us to do and then we make our brains catch up.

I love him. I love love love him.

I'm (money pending) going to see him at the end of October, beginning of November ish and he's coming for Christmas. I think for two and a half weeks.

At one point, he said "You seem pretty chill." And I said "Well, I'm really excited, you're making me so happy but I'm not surprised." And I'm not. I knew he'd want to see me. I was already looking up prices to go see him and for him to come to me for Christmas.

I've been hungry for hours now and I can't eat. Can't-eat-can't-sleep-shout-it-from-rooftops kind of love!!!

I asked him what brought this on and he said his friend (Frenchie's lovah) got home today and he hugged him for a long time. And they went out for drinks and talked a lot and he really missed me but it didn't make him sad, it made him excited. Because he knew he wanted to see me again and that he could do that. God, he loves me so much it's disgusting. He makes kissy noises into the phone! Even I don't do that! Then he says "you've reduced me to a fucking chick!"

We ended the conversation like this "EG, just go to sleep now (it was really late for him) and don't be sad, you can dream about me so you won't be alone. I'll even go to bed early so I can dreamwalk and we can see each other!" And he laughed really hard and said "Oh Alathariel, you truly are a superstar."

Back to Feet

You know what whomps? When you spend a lot of time having wicked hot sex and then it gets taken away from you.

I have to get back on my feet now, but they've been up over my head for so long, I don't know if I can do it.

a Mark a Yen a Buck or a Pound

Money money money
Must be funny
In a rich man's world

Who is this rich man who laughs at my troubles?

I need to find him so I can kick him in the nuts.

tit for tat

He gave me a witch book. Like a magic book. A witch encyclopedia. How well does he know me? Well, I guess it doesn't take much to know that I like magic. But how well does he embrace who I am?!?!?! Very well. Obviously. Plus, he bought a guitar in the States, and he's leaving it with me.
He gave me a book and a guitar.
Know what I gave him? Gastric Flu.
And he's still here.
Go figure.
He must love me.

Moments to Come

This is it. This is my last night in Switzerland. How do I feel? I don't really know. How am I supposed to feel? I feel strange. I feel very excited about what's coming but I feel strange about this moment.



It's really hard to live in the moment. It's like the most common peice of advice but it's practically impossible. If I were to live in the moment, I wouldn't be too happy! I'm just getting over gastric flu which means I'm hungry but I'm bloated so I don't have the skinniness that usually comes with illness. I'm at an internet cafe where the chair is really uncomfortable. The things I have to be happy about are coming up. Like I'm about to have a nice goodbye with my friend here. We're going to the lake for my last view of Evian and I'm sure our talk will be girly. I'm going to have a fun last night with the family when I get home, we'll possibly play Scene It Friends Edition and I'll kick everyone's asses proving that I'm awesome even when sick. Then tomorrow is the big goodbye, I get a 9 hour plane ride, then annoying American customs, then I get to see my beloved much missed cousin and then I get to have wicked sex with EG and then go into Manhattan and see Miss Pants! So I'm happy, but not in the moment. Is that okay?

Sexual Healing

Sooooooooo I'm going home!

I'm going to make sweet sweet love to my English Gentleman!

I love him so much it's disgusting. But it's not disgusting. It's delicious!

AND! I get to see everyone at home again!!!!!! Too much joy!!!

2 Hot 2 Handle

Haha, I had a tape called 2 Hot 2 Handle and it had songs like "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi and "Pina Coladas" by Rupert Holmes. Oh, that's funny.

So here are some things I can't handle:

1) I went to Gruyère on Saturday. Um. Hello amazing. The castle gave me at least eleven orgasms. The Giger museum and cafe were, like, sicatatingly genius. Quite sick, because I'm pretty sure the guy's a sicko. But like artsy. And also delicious because the Alien Cafe I drank was to die for and gave me a few more orgasms. You get to dip merangues (sp), berries, and a cookie in double cream and put some of the cream in the coffee itself. I'm drooling. Then we had fondue. Shut up. I can't even talk about the fondue. Plus, it was super fun company and we were laughing constantly. We discovered Pteryducktls. Don't ask.

2) My friend once said "aww, that whomps" and I laughed really hard, because it's a funny sounding word, don't you think? So, re-reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, I remembered the Whomping Willow. So I came up with this phrase: "Aww, that whomps like the willow!" I don't really expect it to catch on, but I really want it to and I'm going to try my best to force it into everyone's vernacular. (Is that the right word? I know it from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...)

3) Oh English Gentleman. My facebook status right now says that I'm banging my head against the wall, wishing I was banging it against something else. EG messages me to ask "out of interest, are you now at the stage where you would bang against anything else, or are you holding out?" I said "I'm holding out. I was going to make say '...banging a certain English Gentleman' but I thought you'd appreciate a little discretion." And I told him I wasn't even attracted to anyone else except for Ron Weasley, who, in my head, looks like a ginger EG. I wrote about other stuff, then I said "and I know I said I didn't want to know but...just out of interest, how about you?" And he said "there's been no one else X."

In case anyone needs reminding. I love him.

Homeless in March

Remember when my BF told me that he didn't want to live with me anymore and I felt homeless? That was in March.

Oh Yeah

And I just realised that I didn't even post the song I wrote after I was told I was homeless around March. Here it is:

Have you ever learned
That you're the same as everyone else
You have the same problems as everyone else
Your story's been told before?
Have you ever learned
That all of it's bound to happen to you
Boy meets girl heartache will happen to you
There's nothing you can do.

I wanted to think I was all alone
I wanted to think that my love was extrordinary
But it's ordinary baby

I'm not the only one
Who wants storybook romance
I want the "can't eat, can't sleep,
Shout it from rooftops" kind of love
I am ashamed to be so common
But I can't help but wish
For a knight in shining armour

I've always believed
That when I found someone to love
I would be his someone to love
It could be that easy.
I've always believed
Even though romance isn't real
Even though fantasies aren't real
That I could be satisfied.

I got a taste of the fantasy
I found out what it would be like if I had something more
Now I want something more.

I'm not the only one
Who wants storybook romance
I want the "can't eat can't sleep
Shout it from rooftops" kind of love
I am ashamed to be so common
But I can't help but wish
For a knight in shining armour.

Are you scared like every other boy?
You thought you were such an individual.
You have to keep one foot out the door
You're worried that you're missing something better
But baby you are
You're missing me!

I feel like I'm watching a movie
And everybody's screaming at the screen
"You want her you need her you love her"
Don't you want the Hollywood ending?
You could live happily ever after with me!

I know what's inside you
I wish you'd wake up and see it too
But I don't want pressure to pour down on you
So I can wait a while.
I know what's inside you
It wasn't hard to figure it out
Because you're the same as everyone else
You're ordinary.

I'm not the only one
Who wants storybook romance
I want the "can't eat can't sleep
shout it from rooftops" kind of love
I am ashamed to be so common
But I can't help but wish
For a knight in shining armour.


There. It's kinda cheesy, in true Mermaid fashion. But I really like it. It's a 50s doo wop song. I sang it for EG, like I said before, and tried to explain that he's my knight in shining armour without making him gag on the cheese. I think don't give him enough credit though. I think he likes cheese a little. I think he likes that I'm sicatatingly in love with him. I don't think I'll scare him away unless I accidentally mention the wedding I've been planning or the possible names of our children.

Not So Cool

I really want to cry. Most of the time these days. Living without the contact I'm needing is slowly killing me. I say slowly because I'm clearly not dead yet, but it actually feels quick.

I missed a call from EG the other night. I missed three calls, actually. But they weren't missed calls. They were calls. In my sleep, I answered and hung up because I must have thought it was my alarm going off. Want the worst part? The part that shows everyone how incredibly lame I really am? Well, in the morning, when I saw that he had called, I tried to see what time, and it only showed me the date of the day before. Which means it was before midnight. So, being an incredible fucking geek, I fell asleep right when the sun went down and thought that something earlier than 11:59pm was somewhere near 6am. I have hated myself since that morning. And he hasn't called back since.

I'm going to see him on the 26th. From the 26th, to the 11th. And Bedroom Prince has been so kind to say we can have sex in his bed. But in my current state, I'm finding it very difficult not to think of the gap between the 11th and the mystery date that is the next time we will see each other. Whether or not he will lose interest in me by then. It's actually tearing me up because my hippie side is not worried about that at all. I have 2 sides (duh). One is afraid to use the word love and afraid not to use it at the same time. The other side doesn't really know what that word means and uses it or doesn't use it at any given time. The scared side thinks I'm not pretty enough for him, that I'm punching above my weight. The hippie side is absolutely convinced he's madly in love with me and completely enchanted by everything about me.

Both sides of me are ready to see him now.

Ready to see everyone now, for that matter.

Wimbledon

Is it wrong that I liked that movie?

Is it obvious why I liked it? Absolutely. Here's why, in case it's not obvious to you. It's about a sexy English tennis player who hooks up with an American chick. Now, I'm not saying I'm American, but you can see how it's similar to my life.

They started out saying it was "just fun" keeping it "relaxed and light." EG and I never actually said those words, but in a one night stand, that's pretty much the plan anyway. Then they accidentally fell in love. Sigh. There were some pretty cool moments, too, that made me sigh-y and wistful. Like, she was really sceptical and didn't want to be in love because it was throwing off her game. But when she woke up and he wasn't there, she just felt wrong. That's EG. When I had to leave, he said his room felt wrong, and he was upset by that. "It's just my room," he said "it shouldn't feel wrong!" I loved it when he said that. I loved him. Still do. It's disgusting how much, really. Because I figured it out the other day. I love him more than I love chocolate. So that means I'm in big trouble. Because if he ever leaves me, I won't even have chocolate to console me.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, Wimbledon. Anyway, English dude is hot even though I didn't think so when I saw him in A Knight's Tale (he played Chausser) and I didn't think he'd be good at playing Dustfinger in the upcoming Inkheart, but now I do. He's a hottie. But not nehehearly as hot as my English Gentleman.

ps That "nehehearly" should be said by Dr. Cox from Scrubs.

Let It Rain

The sun is shining
The sky is blue
The moon's still up
But it's a quarter to 2
It's a lovely day
But I can't find you
So it might as well start raining.

I pick some flowers
For my hair
You're not here
To see them there
Now I look pretty
But that's not fair
So it might as well start raining.

I hold my breath
It's what I do
I close my eyes
And I think of you
I make a wish
But it can't come true
So it might as well start raining.

I look around
I walk along
I sit back down
And I write a song
It sounds alright
But it feels all wrong
So it might as well start raining.

I can make friends
With the Swiss
Side to side
We go kiss kiss kiss
But it's not love
It's friendliness
So it might as well start raining.

Rain on me
It's going on
Inside me anyway
I can't feel the sun
I can't enjoy this perfect day
I'm counting down the hours
Til you can see the flowers
In my hair
But til we're there
It might as well rain.

Human Again (Beauty and the Beast)

Just to copy Skinny Rabbit.

I've been non human I think. The amount of bittersweet misery I've been feeling has been kind of numb. Is that possible? To be numb about such an extreme feeling? I don't know. Maybe the misery made me numb. Anyway, within Switzerland, I moved. So I don't live in a faraway random alp valley, I live in a faraway random mountain town. I live on an alp. Just for a few weeks. The point is, my access to the internet and phone and therefore communication with everyone I know except my one friend here has been painfully limited. As in non-existant. I found a hella cheap internet cafe and can communicate again.

The problem is, there are stronger blocks than the mere tangible ones. I'm extremely unable to create these days. I suppose my journal entries are okay... Well, my main problem is that I can't write a song. EG has written me 2 more I think. Qu'est-ce que fuck? I've written 2 good songs in the 7 years since I've been writing songs. No, wait, 3. But I can't play one of them to him because it's on a piano. And I don't have a piano. And I sang it for him and he got upset because it was about someone else and he said I sang it with the same face as I sing songs for him. But I tried to explain that it really was about him, I just didn't know it. It was about my last when I was realising I wanted something more.

I'm not the only one
Who wants storybook romance
I want the can't eat, can't sleep,
Shout it from rooftops
Kind of love
I am ashamed to be so common
But I can't help but wish
For a knight in shining armour.

I told him he's what I wanted and I found him. But we were cooking when he said it upset him and when I tried to explain. So I'm not sure he was comforted. I fucking LOVE that he needs to be comforted. I fucking LOVE that it upset him that I sang about someone else. One time, we were talking about exes and he said "does it bother you when I talk about other girls? Because it was really bothering me when you were talking about other guys." Taken aback, I cried "why didn't you stop me?!" and he said "Because I want to know everything about you."

...what was I talking about? I'm lost in the perfection that is my English Gentleman.

He called my cell but it was Swiss Day, August 1st, and it was literally during fireworks so I missed 3 calls. I was devastated and didn't sleep at all that night. Then he called me back the following afternoon and I was so extremely excited I almost cried. I talked so fast and with such gusto that I'm sure he fell in love with me again. Then I felt amazing and found myself impervious to the rain. I realised I was a little bit dead for a week and I felt alive again. The death slowly returns, then I get a message from him, and I wake up anew. So it goes.