Fever

I honestly think I might have a heart attack or something before Harry Potter 7 comes out. It actually hurts not to have it. I accidentally read a really unreliable spoiler page. Well, I just read the first line. But it was enough to give me a heart attack. I don't believe it. It can't be true.

I need to read this book.

Stripped of My Creative Juices

Now I can't even blog properly because I just like lyrics that are already written. Here's "Despair in the Departure Lounge" by the Arctic Monkeys:

He's pining for her
In a people carrier
There might be buildings and pretty things to see like that
But architecture won't do
Although it might say a lot about the city or town
I don't care what they've got keep on turning them down
It don't say the funny things she does
Don't even try and cheer him up, because
It just won't happen

He's got the feeling again
This time on the aeroplane
There might be tellys in the back of the seats in front
But Rodney and Del won't do
Although it might take your mind off the aches and the pains
Laugh when he falls through the bar
But you're feeling the same
'Cause she isn't there to hold your hand
She won't be waiting for you when you land

It feels like she's just nowhere near
You could well be out on your ear
This thought comes closely followed by the fear
And the thought of it
Makes you feel a bit
Ill

Yesterday I saw a girl
Who looked like someone you might knock about with
And almost shouted
And then reality kicked in within us
It seems as we become the winners
You lose a bit of summat
And half wonder if you won it at all

And don't say 'owt 'cause you've got no idea
And she's still nowhere near
And the thought comes closely followed by the fear
And the thought of it
Makes you feel a bit...
Ill

Despair in the departure lounge
It's one and they'll still be around at three
No signal and low battery
What's happened to me

EG played that for me a lot when I was there. I fucking love him.

In My Head/Merry Melodies

Here's what's in my head right now:

EG, hot EG, gorgeous EG, funny EG, Ron and Hermione, Horcruxes, EG, EG, EG, love, love, love, holding hands, kebab, sexy EG, Toronto, showing lovely EG around Toronto, taking EG to Wonderland, Ron and Hermione, just seven more days, then 36 days after that til I see wonderful EG, parties with all my friends, Harry and Ginny, Voldemort, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, hot hot hot EG, Fred and George, Dumbledore, EG, England, Manchester United, EG at my house, EG in my bed, I don't have a bed, EG and me under a tree.

Isn't that facinating?

* * * * *

I'm trying to write a song. I'm not succeeding. Well, technically, I've written part of a song but it's not very good. It's okay...I dunno. I need the other Mermaid to help me out.

EG suggested some songs. And by "some" I mean all of his favourite songs. I like "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol a lot. I also like the Arctic Monkeys and the look on EG's face when he sings "Cigarette Smoke"--it makes me rocking yet in no time! The problem is, with all these incredibly apt songs, I can't write my own anymore! They've found better words and melodies to express how I feel! That's why I'm an actress. I can never find the right words, but other people can who can't say them. I can say them. And I do. Or will the next time I get the chance.

In the meantime, I just wish I could write EG a perfect song and cook him a perfect meal and that way I'll get to his heart through his ears and his stomach. I think I already made it to his heart...aww.

young love

my 16 yr old cousin, who up until 5 minutes ago, I could have sworn was around 13, is totally in love. like so much so that his facebook status, indeed, his entire facebook page, is all about how much he is in love. he loves his "shawna" and will forever and cannot get enough of her and wants to be with her all the time.

ain't it great?

Stupefy!

Just got back from seeing Harry Potter 5 at the cinéma in Lausanne. I was sitting in the front row with my arms crossed, shaking my head at the screen and sometimes mumbling "no" and "that's not right" and "what?"

Nevermind, I'm completely distracted by my Gentleman. He's so dirty and sweet at the same time. How is that possible?

Did I already mention one of my favourite parts of the week with him? I think I have to because it is one of my favourite parts of the week. On my last night, after a hellofalot of sex, I fell asleep and it was only 1am...sleeping is giving in...and he was watching me and then he woke me with a kiss. "You fell asleep," he said "and I got scared and had to wake you up." Is that not the sweetest thing in the world? "I thought, 'this is it, this is the last time I'm going to see her sleep' and I didn't want it to be over." I almost cried.

But seriously about Harry Potter. I saw the whole freaking book done perfectly in my head and they fucked it up royally! Who let them get away with it?!

Not at All

The title of this post is two-fold:
1) people keep asking me how I am. Well, "not at all well" is my real answer. I'm lonely, cold, bored, frustrated, tired, stressed, guilty, worried, gaining weight again, having bad dreams, and my head almost always hurts. And I believe this snippet of song applies:
-Lefou, I'm afraid I've been thinking.
-A dangerous passtime.
-I know!

2) If you ask EG if he minds something, for example, "do you mind if I open the window?" and his answer is "not at all," it is the cutest thing in the world. It makes me giggle as he sounds like a Beetle. Hee hee. Try to hear it in your head. Or, better yet, if you know an Englishman, ask him to say it for you. It's absolutely adorable.

But number 2 can relate to number 1 because it just increases my loneliness.

On the plus side, I'm going to see the Harry Potter movie tonight which is kind of exciting, but not nearly as exciting as the fact that next saturday, I will be reading the seventh book. I will actually have the pages in my hands and the content in my head. The thought is so huge that I might throw up.

TO to NYC!

Okay, he's fine in New York and wants to come see me when I get home! I'm hoping to do a road trip to go get him around the end of August. Anyone wanna come??? ...anyone have a car?

In the Dark

I haven't heard from EG since he called me the night I left him.

I don't even know if he made it to New York okay! Where is he? How is he? How is there no internet where he is?! His phone is off! I have no way of contacting him! Why? When will I hear from him again? I need my fix!

Ain't Misbehaving

I've been reading a lot of Romeo and Juliet. I really like love stories. I like love stories that work out. Happy endings. No endings.
I want to act again. I want to play a character who falls in love. I'd be so convincing.
I want to wake up with EG again.
I want to have my own place and have him live down the street and then come over for dinner. Well, first dinner, anyway. I can't feed him all the time, he eats like a ...maniac.
When I go home, he's going to come visit me.
I keep imagining it and it's one of my best fantasies.

Saturday night. I have nothing to do. I have no money. I have no friends. I have no lovah. I have my guitar and my journal and...considering my circumstances, I'm okay with that.

No one to talk with all by myself
No one to walk with but I'm happy on the shelf
Ain't misbehaving, I'm saving my love for you...

My Mind Is On The Blink

I need you to make me laugh.

I need you to play guitar.

I need you to hold my hand.

I need you drinking at the bar.

I need you to pinch my cheeks.

I need you to slap my bum.

I need you to kiss my eyes.

I need you to make me come.

I need you to cook for me.

I need you to call me hot.

I need you to touch my hair.

I need you here. You are not.


"Show me how you do that trick! The one that makes me scream," she said, "the one that makes me laugh," she said, and threw her arms around my neck. "Show me how you do it and I promise you, I promise that I'll run away with you."

Rain In My Shoes

The farther away I got, the more it hurt. It literally felt like something was being ripped out of me.

Definitely the most amazing week. That doesn't describe it. I over-emphasise everything, I know. I shouldn't have done that because now I can't explain this. I can't explain the pure joy I experienced all week and the incredible agony I'm feeling now. I'll try to be clear and not...well, myself. It'll have to be in point form.

- He took me to see The Lord of the Rings in London. On Drury Lane. We ate at Porters. We drank wine. We were mesmoriesed by magic. I can't tell you everything. I just can't, you had to be there. But...I'm kinda glad you weren't. I'll do other stuff with you. You understand, I'm sure.

- He played songs for me. Songs he wrote. I gave you one line. I want to give you all of them. I think it's better that some things are kept to ourselves. Though, if you want to have a sleepover with me, I'm sure I'll tell you every single detail. Let's just say the songs are orgasmic.

- Speaking of orgasms. BEST. SEX. EVER. So, so amazing. Three times a day. Quality and quantitiy. I was constantly horny (as was he) and I was completely satisfied. If in pain. Sitting is difficult.

- Haha, he eats 5 meals a day. Not 5 small meals, no, 5 real meals a day with gigantic portions of meat. He is a big strong football man. I feel petite in his arms. He said I was "only tiny."

- He is so hot. I don't know if I mentioned that. But...so so hot. I can't get over it. I would just glance his way and get wet. So hot. And there's this song by the Arctic Monkeys that he sings that is just...sex in music form. Goddammit he's sexy.

- Sweetest boy ever. Being held by him is ...better than anything. Anything. I could give up peanut butter and I think even chocolate if that somehow allowed me to be held by him more.

I don't know what I'm going to do until I next see him. Probably die.

ps okay, here's another line. "There's rain in my shoes cause I'm better off out, I've been walking for miles trying to figure you out. Yet I know what I need to, I just wanna see you again."

Happiness is...

Being in England.
Having my face touched.
Being listened to.
Being sung to.
Being teased.
Being tickled.
Staring into sparkling blue eyes.
Brushing lips lightly.
Kissing hands.
Heavy breathing.
Resting on a lap.
Being told I'm a "wonderful lady."
Being told my smile is "glorious."
Smiling all the time.


Listening to a song for me.

Happiness is:

"maybe love and music will help bridge our divide."

Sighing in Anticipation

This just in, EG hasn't slept with anyone else. Because he hasn't wanted to! Sigh.

In just 46 hours, I'll be in his bed. And he'll be in me.

I'm going to surprise him when I get there. I told him I'll be at the station at 9:30, but really, I'll be there an hour before that and then I'll cab it to his house, strip and slip under the covers with him. Then I will spend the next 6 days in heaven.

ps thanks for the advice on the L word. Girls are crazy, aren't they? But we only get scared because we know boys are crazy too.

And That's The Word

I'm really into English Gentleman. Did you know that?

I think I would do anything he asked me. Is that bad? I mean, I don't think he'd ask me anything horrible like to kill someone or give up theatre. I'd do anything he would ask me. Is that bad?

I'm thinking about the word. That "love" word. It's weird, eh? How is it so powerful? Part of me needs it, needs to feel it, to say it, to hear it all the time. Part of me thinks it's just a word. And using it or not using it can't possibly have a big impact on any part of life. He knows I feel strongly about him. He knows I can't stop thinking about him. He knows I wouldn't deny him anything. Will he think differently if I throw the word "love" into the mix? I mean, it's the only word I know to express what I feel for him. After he says something particularly hot or cute or funny, saying "I love you" just follows naturally in my head.

I hate the word. But I love the word. I want to say it. I have a scene in my head of almost saying it a couple times, and he'll say "say it!" I don't know if I will or not. I really want to. But I also don't care. But I also really want to.

Should I?

Giggles McGee

Guys, I'm dying here. I can't get enough of this. It's killing me. How is that possible? I guess if I can never get enough of something I think I need, I'd die. So that's how something so good can kill me.

I don't know what to do! He has never been in my bed before, but it feels so empty. He just doesn't stop saying amazing things. He doesn't stop being funny and cute and smart and perfect. I don't know what to do with myself.

I already blogged this, I know, so it's old news. But I can't think of anything else! I've been calculating, and in about a hundred and seventy hours, I will see him and then we'll be together for a hundred and sexty hours. Oh, a hundred and sixty. That was a genuine typo. He has football training on one of the nights though. So I can dish with Frenchie, except that she will be on her last week with her lovah. They are so cute. EG and I are obsessed with them. I'm much more sad for her than myself because she's going home after spending 9 months with him. But...he's going to visit her for all of August. EG is going to the states all summer.

I have fantasies about going home in September (a distinct possibility) and getting to visit with EG a couple of weekends, if he's in a northern state. Then asking him to come and stay with me for a week or two (or forever) before he goes back. There will probably be a party at the Neenia/Bedroom Prince/Skinny Rabbit pad (best house ever!) where he can meet all my friends. How will that go? My friends would all be swooning, I'm sure. We would need a bed though, that isn't in my mother's house... Because we work well in a bed. Not that we only work well in a bed. Like he said, he doesn't just like sleeping with me, he likes waking up with me. I feel so lucky that he likes waking up with me. I don't really blame him, I'm really fun to wake up with.

I'm nervous about the discussion we are going to have to have. The inevitable "what's going to happen now?" discussion. Because I'm going to have to say: "Okay, you're going to the states all summer. It's a fun summer trip to a place you've never been where you will be viewed as someone with superpowers just because of your accent, let alone the rest of your charming self. So do whatever you want and don't tell me anything." And I don't know what he's going to say.

OH! I just remembered. When I left him last time, he was waiting for the train to leave and I was sitting on the train writing in my journal. I knew he'd want to know what I wrote. He just asked me last night and I told him, though it was highly cheesy: "Oh EG, how I'll miss you. If I could write a song for you, I'd sing it every morning and always make everything okay. I dream of a world where we make sense. One where you don't need to roam, where I don't need my home. Where it rains when it's warm and we could kiss under street lamps every night. Where you stay awake as long as I need you to. Where I'm myself all the time and your people are my people. Where we can eat together and talk in interesting ways..."
And after I read him that, he said "All that stuff you mentioned, you're dangerously close to getting it."

Motherfucker, he's hot! He's so cute. I can't handle the cuteness and the hilarity that ensues when we talk. We just laugh so much! He has such a cute laugh! And when he gets started telling a funny story, he can't finish it because he's laughing too hard.

He had told me before that he's worried my excitement and passion for him will wane and he has every reason to believe that his will not. I asked him what the reasons were and he said he'd tell me when I got there. But I couldn't wait so I asked him again. He said one reason is that he's met a lot of people and none of them are like me. I don't know what that means, really, because none of them can possibly be like each other, right? But it's a big compliment and I took it with giggles. He's just worried my giggles will go away eventually and that will make us less magical (his words). I said, I don't know if I'll be giggling tomorrow. But I'm a giggly person. And he makes me feel other things too...I don't know how to comfort him. I can't say I'll be giggling forever. Chances are, if we get comfortable together, I'll be, well, comfortable. But it really does seem like he's going to win me over every day and that I will be giggling forever.

A hundred and sixty nine hours to go...

Not My Pictures

Weird. Looking at pictures of a wedding.

She was my friend. A good friend. We worked so well together.

He was someone I was obsessed with for three years. He kissed me. I kissed him first. We held hands. He was so funny. He made me laugh all the time.

We didn't believe in the same things so he had to stop kissing me. I was heartbroken and angry. I felt guilty because I wanted to corrupt him.

He found someone else who happened to believe the same things he did. That didn't work out.

He got back together with my friend. I don't think she wanted to be my friend anymore. She wanted to, but couldn't handle the sight of me.

I thought they had a passionless relationship. Just because they were avoiding sex, doesn't mean they were passionless.

It was in them all along. It was being saved for each other.

The pictures prove it. The way he held her, the way he kissed her.

I'm fine with it because he does nothing for me now. The pictures of him prove it. They make my past self twitch a little, but that's all.

But I can't help but think that it could have been me. I don't want it to be me, but it could have been me.

I thought he was scared of sex. I was wrong.

I hate being wrong.

(ps, he is really short. Nowhere near 6'5".)

Breaking My Balls

You're breaking my balls, you guys, you're breaking my balls. This'll be like my seventeenth post before you've all updated at all! This is ridonculous.

Just to fill you in on what's been going on since my most recent recent post, um, I'm obsessed with English Gentleman. He wrote me this message that I'm not sure I want to put on here. I just don't want to cheapen it. I read it to Neenia over the phone because I figured telling one person was different than broadcasting it over the internet. But I really want to broadcast it all over the internet. And I know you will all appreciate it (and by "you all" I mean Neenia (duh), Bedroom Prince, Arts Monkey, Miss Pants, Skinny Rabbit, Nosiren and a couple other hangers on who don't have blogs but know me well, you know who you are)... Should I? Just to give you a tiny hint of this amazing person (if I haven't already)...I will give you a taste.

I wanted to call him instead of talk via facebook, but I couldn't find the phone. So I said: "Oh, now I'll have to be content with fantasising about what we're gonna do when I get there. What are we gonna do when I get there?" And his reply described really hot teasing and foreplay(including "...and you will abandon your dress to the elements outside of my window, along with your underwear, declaring to all of Hampshire that you will never need it again..."). And then he described hot sex and said:

"At this point the curtains go down and the stars of the show are only seen again at local convenience stores, buying food and drink to fuel their filthy adventures. Even as they become dishevelled starry eyed wrecks over time that no one cares to measure, all that see them feel their disdain tainted by the jealously that they are having more sex than minds of the past thought feasible, let alone healthy, and the wails of ecstacy echo across crisp, enchanted sunsets onto dawns afar, where couples everywhere wonder if one day, they too, can emulate the pleasures derived from the mispent youths of Princesse Alathariel and English Gentleman."

What?! What?! (direct quote from my reaction, and Neenia's.) How is he so amazing? I don't even know how to describe him! The best word that encompasses all the awesomeness and hotness and sweetness that he is is his name.

Last night there was a slight misunderstanding. I said "isn't it funny that we've only spent three nights together? Not like 'well, we see each other at work all the time but we've only spent three nights together.' no, just we've only spent three nights together ever!" And he said "I don't find it weird. It's spectacular." To which I didn't really have a reply. Then I went to bed and he texted me thinking I was unsure about us and thinking about my ex. "For a creative mind like yours, it's natural to have doubts." But I don't have doubts! How was I to claire-ify? I texted him trying to explain and he seemed cool, but I didn't feel I was convincing him enough. I sent him a loooooong rant-y message on facebook which ended with something endearing about my journal getting sick of his name but she's too polite to say anything. I just got a reply:

"Are you a dream? I hope not. X"

Unhelpful

My poor ex boy. I feel awful for him. He said I haven't wanted to make out with him in a long time. Can I confess why?

I think I...didn't like his kisses. We didn't kiss well together. The pressure was never right, his fake teeth (if you don't know the story here, just ask) really hurt me, our heads just...didn't connect like they were supposed to! I loved him so I ignored all that. But I couldn't make out with him. How could I tell him that? How can this be explained?

I just wish him peace. But I can't give it to him.

Water Water Everywhere

I'm so thirsty but I've been drinking so much! what's the dealio, yo?

This is not a metaphor, I'm really thristy and water doesn't help.

My ticket is booked for England! I'm going so soon. EG said "You're coming to England, how exciting! 'Tis where you belong miss, and you know it."

He calls me "miss" he's so cute. He'll probably quench my thirst...

Haven't Forgotten

Don't think I forgot about the other boy.


I just called him. It made me so sad. It made him so sad. It made us both very angry and upset and sad. I'd like to get out of the business of breaking peoples' hearts.


He said it wasn't all his fault. I said I never said t was (did I?). He said I was using him as a crutch in my fucked up mess of a life and I needed to learn to stand on my own and when I did that, I threw him out. That's not true. I distinctly remember trying very hard not to use him as a crutch. I remember trying to live my own life so the pressure wasn't on him. I can't think about this anymore. It's getting ridiculous.

I said we might still get back together. He said I was the kind of person to meet someone, call it "fate" and get married and that's why we probably won't get back together. That's not fair, is it? I was really insulted by that. If I'm like that, then why didn't I stay with him?? If I'm like that, why was he even bothering with someone of whom he clearly has such a low opinion?

My head hurts where the throbbing resides. My brain hurts where the confusion settles. My eyes hurt where the love comes out. My ears hurt where his sobs penetrated. My gut hurts where the punch landed. My nose hurts where the pressure reigns. My heart hurts where the dagger went in.

Until I saw him, I've been wishing I had just a shirt of his in my room so I could smell him. Well I have one now and it brings me nothing but sorrow.

And I feel all the more guilty because underneath all this, I still feel the warmth and fireworks and butterflies and sighs of my new boy.