I am in a strange mood!
My hands are shaking.
I felt so anxious this morning, money, duties, preparation, blah blah blah (wash it all away).
And then I got to TA a shakespeare (my specialty) class that made me feel so good about myself! I'm useful! I'm helpful! I'm smart! I'm funny!
Then I had a crazy conversation with my lovah about everything. I'm happy! I'm sad! I'm satisfied! I need more! I'm horny! I'm hungry! I'm hot! I'm ugly! I'm important! I'm insignificant! I'm free!
Then more anxiety about money, duties, preparation, blah blah blah!
Then talking to people it's difficult to talk to! I feel weird! Wait, they have a different definition of "weird," they think it means "dirty" or "gross" or "innapropriate!" Find another word to describe how I feel! Joyful! Crazy! Weird! No! Not weird! Funny! Anxious! Loving! Angry! Confused! But in a good way! But in a weird way! I don't know!
I'm trying to redefine the word "God" so that when other people use it, I don't picture an old man wearing a toga throwing lightning bolts and listening with understanding. I'm trying to visualise "Mother Earth" every time someone says "God." Or something. Ah!
I am inspired to do or do not. There is no try. That's hard because I'm going to try to do or do not. That does not make sense. I need to do. Or do not. There is no try. Beat it with a stick, Alathariel.
I will be satisfied. I will be good. I will tone my arms. I will not watch so much TV. I will save money. I will spend time with everyone I want to spend time with. I will have my theatre. I will have my TV show. I will have a gazillion dollars. I will sing like an angel. I will be in the original cast of something special. I will make other people feel special. I will help. I will pay my mother back for everything she has done. I will be a sister. I will learn more. I will teach better. I will not lose my patience. I will neither a borrower nor a lender be. I will be a mother. I will eat well. I will not lose sight of important things. I will be important. I will be humble. I will be organised. I will stay crazy. I will grow up. I will belt like a banshee. I will fuck like a tiger. I will rock like a superstar. I will hit the heights. I will continue to do my laundry. I will travel. I will have a home. I will share. I will get what I want. I will grow my hair. I will be idolised. I will be loved. I will be immortal. I will be creative. I will be productive. I will answer questions. I will learn Empire Strikes Back off by heart. I will stay up late. I will cook. I will not nag. I will do what is right. I will be spectacular. I will feel the love. I will spread the love.
Following each one of those, add "starting now!"
I'll always be starting.
Love is a sickness and it's cure. Perpetual rejuvination.
Know what I mean?
Friday, May 26, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
You Can't Trust Women
So it says on my Rogers box that Gilmore Girls is on right now on chanel 27, the women's network. But do you know what's on? An infomercial for something called Turbo Jam. What the fuck? I really wanna watch Gilmore Girls! It gives a full description of the episode and everything. It's a good one! Why is turbo jam on? It's crap! the people are tanned orange with white blond hair. (Neenia, when I say "bawdy" you say "jayam!") This is bullshit.
Know what else is bullshit? well I can't tell you because it's a secret. It's no big deal but I cannot betray someone's trust. The main thing is someone did something that I thought should have been done with me if done at all. Whatever. I'm being rediculous. But I just wanna be the most important person in everyone else's life, is that too much to ask?
I'm just upset because the only thing that's on right now is KING OF THE HILL! WHY? WHY? WHY?
Know what else is bullshit? well I can't tell you because it's a secret. It's no big deal but I cannot betray someone's trust. The main thing is someone did something that I thought should have been done with me if done at all. Whatever. I'm being rediculous. But I just wanna be the most important person in everyone else's life, is that too much to ask?
I'm just upset because the only thing that's on right now is KING OF THE HILL! WHY? WHY? WHY?
Sunday, May 21, 2006
No Red Roses and Waterfalls for Me!
My lovah and I were talking about how he's not romantic. At all.
He didn't quite agree with me, and I gave him an example. "When I cry," I said "you hate it. But you don't say it's because you love me and you don't want to see a loved one hurt, you think of all these logical reasons why I shouldn't be crying. You don't even think it's because you love me and hate to see me sad, but that's what's going on."
I went on to say he doesn't believe in an epic love or soulmates or even true love.
And he said something like, where there's great romance, there's disfunction (but not as eloquently) to which I said "What do you mean?" And he said something like the more romance there is in a relationship, the more drama and therefore nothing is really healthy...somthing like that. Then he said--and this is the clencher--his parents, his role models for a couple, "are the kind of couple who will be together forever and that's what I think you and I have." As simple as that.
Dude, it's just a matter of time before the ring is on my finger.
Just kidding.
I didn't hear the rest of the crap he was talking about, something to do with everyone else, what the fuck do I care? Tears were streaming down my face, obviously I was hiding them, I didn't want him to see me cry because he luhs me so much.
We're gonna be together forever.
Who needs romance when you think that way?
He didn't quite agree with me, and I gave him an example. "When I cry," I said "you hate it. But you don't say it's because you love me and you don't want to see a loved one hurt, you think of all these logical reasons why I shouldn't be crying. You don't even think it's because you love me and hate to see me sad, but that's what's going on."
I went on to say he doesn't believe in an epic love or soulmates or even true love.
And he said something like, where there's great romance, there's disfunction (but not as eloquently) to which I said "What do you mean?" And he said something like the more romance there is in a relationship, the more drama and therefore nothing is really healthy...somthing like that. Then he said--and this is the clencher--his parents, his role models for a couple, "are the kind of couple who will be together forever and that's what I think you and I have." As simple as that.
Dude, it's just a matter of time before the ring is on my finger.
Just kidding.
I didn't hear the rest of the crap he was talking about, something to do with everyone else, what the fuck do I care? Tears were streaming down my face, obviously I was hiding them, I didn't want him to see me cry because he luhs me so much.
We're gonna be together forever.
Who needs romance when you think that way?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
All Alone at the Drive-in Movie
I have no friends!!!
When you're only counting on two people, you're gonna get screwed. Everyone who left me, COME BACK!!! If you come back now, I won't leave...okay I probaly will.
FINE! Stay in your crappy non-Toronto places.
I'm going to watch MORE what not to wear. And it's all your fault.
When you're only counting on two people, you're gonna get screwed. Everyone who left me, COME BACK!!! If you come back now, I won't leave...okay I probaly will.
FINE! Stay in your crappy non-Toronto places.
I'm going to watch MORE what not to wear. And it's all your fault.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Would You Light My Candle?
So, it turns out, I'm not as cool as I thought. Go figure.
I love things that don't need electricity. I love gas ovens, coffee bodems, acoustic guitars. But faced with a day and a half of no power, I went crazy. I painted 4 horrible paintings, worked on my crappy book, read someone else's crappy book, wrote bad poetry, over-pet my cat, played with candle wax and burned myself.
I am completely addicted to having the TV face me while I play on the internet, checking my email, commenting on your blog and downloading music, getting something to eat, turning on all the lights and charging my cell phone.
Lame.
Maybe I should light my candles again.
You know what would help? Having millions of dollars. I'm convinced it would solve all my problems. Growing up fairly poor, I learned about the important things in life like friends, family and love. I'm good with those things. I'm happy. The only problems I have involve a lack of extreme wealth.
In conclusion, Toronto Hydro can go fuck themselves.
I love things that don't need electricity. I love gas ovens, coffee bodems, acoustic guitars. But faced with a day and a half of no power, I went crazy. I painted 4 horrible paintings, worked on my crappy book, read someone else's crappy book, wrote bad poetry, over-pet my cat, played with candle wax and burned myself.
I am completely addicted to having the TV face me while I play on the internet, checking my email, commenting on your blog and downloading music, getting something to eat, turning on all the lights and charging my cell phone.
Lame.
Maybe I should light my candles again.
You know what would help? Having millions of dollars. I'm convinced it would solve all my problems. Growing up fairly poor, I learned about the important things in life like friends, family and love. I'm good with those things. I'm happy. The only problems I have involve a lack of extreme wealth.
In conclusion, Toronto Hydro can go fuck themselves.
Monday, May 15, 2006
All the World's a Stage
I love acting! I love it!
And I know it's not the point, but I LOVE getting paid for it!
I have two characters to care about! I therefore do not care about customers or cutlery or tables or tequila anymore! Okay, I care a little about tequila still.
I got told by a Tarrot card reader that I was worried that what I was doing (career wise) was empty but it's not. I'm so glad he said it. Theatre is so not empty, even though I can't explain what it's actually full of.
Anyway, happiness is morning and evening, daytime and nighttime, too.
And I know it's not the point, but I LOVE getting paid for it!
I have two characters to care about! I therefore do not care about customers or cutlery or tables or tequila anymore! Okay, I care a little about tequila still.
I got told by a Tarrot card reader that I was worried that what I was doing (career wise) was empty but it's not. I'm so glad he said it. Theatre is so not empty, even though I can't explain what it's actually full of.
Anyway, happiness is morning and evening, daytime and nighttime, too.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Manic Like Jim Carrey
How can one person feel so incredibly blah?
It's not even any specific time of the month when this usually happens. This Sunday I felt so excited, so positive about life, about the future. And all of a sudden, everything hit me, it all overwhelmed me. I don't even know what hit me.
On Tuesday, I got a horrible tip which made me sad about work. Then there were TTC problems and those always get me down. But this down? I thought it might be that my big book just finished and so I bought a new one. It's wonderful! I'm still down.
My lovah moved in and that should have been great, but my bad mood made it difficult to...be in a good mood. And then I felt bad about being in a bad mood around him which made my mood worse.
Today I got to do what I love (be in a room where everybody was talking about and performing Shakespeare) and so I was happy. (Most of them...all of them had trouble with it so I even had the satisfaction of helping people understand it!) Within the famous acting class circle, everyone shared great cathartic memories which I was so greatful to hear. But of course, I didn't really get to share because I was just there to listen. So when each person's memory struck one of my own, I had to hold it in. May I share one with you?
This summer, my Grandpa got really sick. We knew he was going to die. He was a record producer and he loved loved musical theatre. When we were in the hospital (for like a week) I thought to sing to him (because I think to sing to everyone) and he, in his incoherent way, asked for "Just My Bill." So I sang Bill and after the first chorus, he mumbled: "the next time, do it faster and heavier!" So I sang the second half fast and heavy with him trying to sing along. It was awesome.
That's the good part. But he looked so vulnerable. There was a time when the nurse came in and started to explain something that the doctor was about to do and he said "is that good or bad?" and it was the most helpless I've ever heard anyone sound. I didn't go back to the hospital and I was so thankful when he died. He didn't need to be like that anymore.
Thanks, it's been weighing on me.
But I'm still down.
Why am I choosing to be alone when there's a giant group of people I can be with?
Okay, now I have to write something good to balance this depressing crap out.
um...I just ate peanut butter and chocolate pudding at the same time. I used to do it in high school. So that was pleasantly nostalgic.
I love the way Newman on Seinfeld says "a banker!"
Dude, I'm usually fabulous. Check out my other posts. I just suck today.
No day but today...
It's not even any specific time of the month when this usually happens. This Sunday I felt so excited, so positive about life, about the future. And all of a sudden, everything hit me, it all overwhelmed me. I don't even know what hit me.
On Tuesday, I got a horrible tip which made me sad about work. Then there were TTC problems and those always get me down. But this down? I thought it might be that my big book just finished and so I bought a new one. It's wonderful! I'm still down.
My lovah moved in and that should have been great, but my bad mood made it difficult to...be in a good mood. And then I felt bad about being in a bad mood around him which made my mood worse.
Today I got to do what I love (be in a room where everybody was talking about and performing Shakespeare) and so I was happy. (Most of them...all of them had trouble with it so I even had the satisfaction of helping people understand it!) Within the famous acting class circle, everyone shared great cathartic memories which I was so greatful to hear. But of course, I didn't really get to share because I was just there to listen. So when each person's memory struck one of my own, I had to hold it in. May I share one with you?
This summer, my Grandpa got really sick. We knew he was going to die. He was a record producer and he loved loved musical theatre. When we were in the hospital (for like a week) I thought to sing to him (because I think to sing to everyone) and he, in his incoherent way, asked for "Just My Bill." So I sang Bill and after the first chorus, he mumbled: "the next time, do it faster and heavier!" So I sang the second half fast and heavy with him trying to sing along. It was awesome.
That's the good part. But he looked so vulnerable. There was a time when the nurse came in and started to explain something that the doctor was about to do and he said "is that good or bad?" and it was the most helpless I've ever heard anyone sound. I didn't go back to the hospital and I was so thankful when he died. He didn't need to be like that anymore.
Thanks, it's been weighing on me.
But I'm still down.
Why am I choosing to be alone when there's a giant group of people I can be with?
Okay, now I have to write something good to balance this depressing crap out.
um...I just ate peanut butter and chocolate pudding at the same time. I used to do it in high school. So that was pleasantly nostalgic.
I love the way Newman on Seinfeld says "a banker!"
Dude, I'm usually fabulous. Check out my other posts. I just suck today.
No day but today...
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Good/Bad
What makes a good girlfriend?
Usually the answer is: Me. I make a good girlfriend. But tonight I felt whiny and clingy.
I also felt ignored and unloved. Does that make him a bad boyfriend?
What is this stupid need girls have to say: "I just want you to include me in your life!" And what is the stupid need for guys to not respond. What's with "I don't know," or "uh huh," or "...?"
When will guys learn that all girls want is something?
When will girls learn that guys will never give it to them?
Okay, I'm starting to lack vision and creativity here. I'm not the same as every other girl. I'm not the same as anyone. I can have my own apostrophes (I think I mean epiphanies) about my relationship, not relationships in general. And I've come to the conclusion that why won't he include me in his life?!?!
Usually the answer is: Me. I make a good girlfriend. But tonight I felt whiny and clingy.
I also felt ignored and unloved. Does that make him a bad boyfriend?
What is this stupid need girls have to say: "I just want you to include me in your life!" And what is the stupid need for guys to not respond. What's with "I don't know," or "uh huh," or "...?"
When will guys learn that all girls want is something?
When will girls learn that guys will never give it to them?
Okay, I'm starting to lack vision and creativity here. I'm not the same as every other girl. I'm not the same as anyone. I can have my own apostrophes (I think I mean epiphanies) about my relationship, not relationships in general. And I've come to the conclusion that why won't he include me in his life?!?!
Friday, May 05, 2006
Laugh on Line
Oh man. Remeber that body flow instructor that I am in love with? Well I googled him and guess what came up? MY BLOG! So if anyone googles him for any reason, you'll find obscene quotes from drunken posts!
This is very funny, but very embarrassing. So now, I'm gonna talk about myself, so that when I google myself, people will see how awesome I am.
Claire Rice, AKA Princesse Alathariel, is the most talented person in the world. You'll never meet anyone more gorgeous. Claire Rice is also incredibly smart and Claire Rice is really good in bed. If you are googling Claire Rice, then you have found the coolest website ever because you actually get to see inside Claire Rice. Please leave a comment for Claire Rice and you might have the chance that Claire Rice will grace you with her acknowledgement.
Indeed, Claire Rice is truly magical. Claire Rice controls the wind, did you know that? She--Claire Rice, that is--would like to know which element you connect with the most? Is it Air like Claire Rice? Or Earth or Fire or Water? Claire and Air rhyme, but Claire Rice hates it when you rhyme with her name.
If you googled Claire Rice because you were looking for the perfect present for her, here's what Claire Rice wants for her birthday (June 7th): A digital camera (how else will Claire Rice capture those Swiss moments?), pretty journals (but not as pretty as Claire Rice), candles, sandles and skirts. And gift certificates to book stores. Or just books. Claire Rice loves to read. And Claire Rice is very good at reading.
In conclusion, Claire Rice.
Take that Google!
This is very funny, but very embarrassing. So now, I'm gonna talk about myself, so that when I google myself, people will see how awesome I am.
Claire Rice, AKA Princesse Alathariel, is the most talented person in the world. You'll never meet anyone more gorgeous. Claire Rice is also incredibly smart and Claire Rice is really good in bed. If you are googling Claire Rice, then you have found the coolest website ever because you actually get to see inside Claire Rice. Please leave a comment for Claire Rice and you might have the chance that Claire Rice will grace you with her acknowledgement.
Indeed, Claire Rice is truly magical. Claire Rice controls the wind, did you know that? She--Claire Rice, that is--would like to know which element you connect with the most? Is it Air like Claire Rice? Or Earth or Fire or Water? Claire and Air rhyme, but Claire Rice hates it when you rhyme with her name.
If you googled Claire Rice because you were looking for the perfect present for her, here's what Claire Rice wants for her birthday (June 7th): A digital camera (how else will Claire Rice capture those Swiss moments?), pretty journals (but not as pretty as Claire Rice), candles, sandles and skirts. And gift certificates to book stores. Or just books. Claire Rice loves to read. And Claire Rice is very good at reading.
In conclusion, Claire Rice.
Take that Google!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
I'm lovin' it.
Do you know what's disgusting? McDonalds when you're not drunk. Guess what's awesome. McDonalds when you are.
I have the bag on my lap and every time I reach for a fry I realise I put them on my desk. But seriously, every time I want a fry, I reach in the bag before I notice where they actually are. I'm not talking a couple of fries, I'm saying like a whole medium's worth!
Drunkenness is good sometimes. It was a long day, yes, but not a bad one so a few shots make me feel like fun. when I'm sad, drinking is depressing. (do i think I'm the first person to realise this?)
I have to do some spells now, then sleep.
I wrote all of this with one hand, by the way. The other was holding a cheeseburger. totally worth it.
Tomorrow, I'll try to "know th...myself" again.
I have the bag on my lap and every time I reach for a fry I realise I put them on my desk. But seriously, every time I want a fry, I reach in the bag before I notice where they actually are. I'm not talking a couple of fries, I'm saying like a whole medium's worth!
Drunkenness is good sometimes. It was a long day, yes, but not a bad one so a few shots make me feel like fun. when I'm sad, drinking is depressing. (do i think I'm the first person to realise this?)
I have to do some spells now, then sleep.
I wrote all of this with one hand, by the way. The other was holding a cheeseburger. totally worth it.
Tomorrow, I'll try to "know th...myself" again.
Friday, April 21, 2006
But why?
Why didn't anyone comment on my Life Uncommon post? I really needed the imput of people who matter to me!
Please read it! I need validation! I need you! Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaase!
I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time.
Please read it! I need validation! I need you! Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaase!
I hope I haven't taken up too much of your time.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
A life uncommon
Why am I a server? It doesn't make me happy. A friend just said "I still can't picture you bartending..." you know why? Because I'M NOT A BARTENDER! I'm not meant for it. I don't want to get you your drink. I kinda think you should stop drinking! I know you're not gonna tip me, and if you do, I'm sucking up for money! that's not cool! do you have to suck up for a loonie? no! you have a billion people working under you, you never do a thing and you get paid millions!
I don't like that!
I don't like being the one making your life better through tequila shots.
I want my life being made better. Can't I help people? Can't I do what I love for money? and then use that money to help people? and then lie on a beach somewhere?
I guess I'll be doing one of the things I love for money when I go to Switzerland. Okay, I'm okay. My life is interesting again. The panic recedes.
Oh no, the same friend is surprised that I joined a gym and that I can hold my alcohol! (I'm talking on msn as I write this.) She just said: "I don't know who you are!" I don't know either! If I have to have a joe job, I should be working at a childrens bookstore!
I just realised, I can stay up late now! Where did I go?
lend your voices only to the sound of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and you shall lead a life uncommon
I don't like that!
I don't like being the one making your life better through tequila shots.
I want my life being made better. Can't I help people? Can't I do what I love for money? and then use that money to help people? and then lie on a beach somewhere?
I guess I'll be doing one of the things I love for money when I go to Switzerland. Okay, I'm okay. My life is interesting again. The panic recedes.
Oh no, the same friend is surprised that I joined a gym and that I can hold my alcohol! (I'm talking on msn as I write this.) She just said: "I don't know who you are!" I don't know either! If I have to have a joe job, I should be working at a childrens bookstore!
I just realised, I can stay up late now! Where did I go?
lend your voices only to the sound of freedom
no longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from
fill your lives with love and bravery
and you shall lead a life uncommon
Monday, April 10, 2006
The concept of "shoe."
After finally cleaning my room, I watched at least 4 hours of "What Not to Wear" with a hint of Clueless and The Thomas Crown Affair.
My roomie and I make fun of Stacey and Clinton for saying "you've paired it with a beautiful boot," or "the pant is lovely," or "there's a nice line in the arm." They don't know how to use plurals. I imagine myself on that show and think of all the things I can say to make fun of them.
There's a girl on now with a T-shirt with a picture of Tinkerbell and it says "Never Grow Up." Of course the "host" are saying "Guess what? It's time to grow up!" She has a few beautiful fairy dresses that I love.
Well, now they're getting her clothes that are, yes, flattering, but exactly like everyone else's! Why do they insist on removing individuality.
People say things like "real world" and "grow up." I don't understand! Why can't I dress the way I like? Will I actually offend someone if I want to look like a princess? Will I actually be judged or deemed untrustworthy if I'm wearing a long skirt? What if they saw me carry around my superman lunchbox? Dude!
Then I think, I want people to take me seriously.
But that thought goes away very quickly. I'd rather be a princess and I don't think it could cause that much harm.
Should a person really give up a part of their identity and adapt to the current style?
My roomie and I make fun of Stacey and Clinton for saying "you've paired it with a beautiful boot," or "the pant is lovely," or "there's a nice line in the arm." They don't know how to use plurals. I imagine myself on that show and think of all the things I can say to make fun of them.
There's a girl on now with a T-shirt with a picture of Tinkerbell and it says "Never Grow Up." Of course the "host" are saying "Guess what? It's time to grow up!" She has a few beautiful fairy dresses that I love.
Well, now they're getting her clothes that are, yes, flattering, but exactly like everyone else's! Why do they insist on removing individuality.
People say things like "real world" and "grow up." I don't understand! Why can't I dress the way I like? Will I actually offend someone if I want to look like a princess? Will I actually be judged or deemed untrustworthy if I'm wearing a long skirt? What if they saw me carry around my superman lunchbox? Dude!
Then I think, I want people to take me seriously.
But that thought goes away very quickly. I'd rather be a princess and I don't think it could cause that much harm.
Should a person really give up a part of their identity and adapt to the current style?
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Forgiveness
One night, I got home very very drunk and I wrote the most eloquent post ever. The next day, when I went to check it, it hadn't published, it hadn't even saved! You can imagine my rage. I haven't forgiven my blog.
Until now.
Fine, blog, I forgive you.
But since then, I've found it hard to find things to say. That one post sapped everything I had in me and now my thoughts are disorganised.
Oh well.
I'm waiting for my lovah to move in with me and I couldn't be more excited! This is gonna be the best summer of my life! (except for next summer when Harry Potter 7 comes out and I'll be in England!)
I'm listening to Hairspray right now and I'm happy. "They'll never get to college but they sure look cool." "Now that I'm a woman I like bigger men."
I'm also getting excited to pull a Nick! and sing "Goodbye Until Tomorrow" at my family goodbye party.
Switzerland will be magnificent.
Okay, blog. Looks like we're back to normal now. Let me organise my thoughts and I'll be back.
Goodbye until tomorrow.
Until now.
Fine, blog, I forgive you.
But since then, I've found it hard to find things to say. That one post sapped everything I had in me and now my thoughts are disorganised.
Oh well.
I'm waiting for my lovah to move in with me and I couldn't be more excited! This is gonna be the best summer of my life! (except for next summer when Harry Potter 7 comes out and I'll be in England!)
I'm listening to Hairspray right now and I'm happy. "They'll never get to college but they sure look cool." "Now that I'm a woman I like bigger men."
I'm also getting excited to pull a Nick! and sing "Goodbye Until Tomorrow" at my family goodbye party.
Switzerland will be magnificent.
Okay, blog. Looks like we're back to normal now. Let me organise my thoughts and I'll be back.
Goodbye until tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I'm a thief.
I didn't say it first, but I'm saying it now:
If you think being in a relationship is a trap, you lack vision and creativity.
Eat that.
If you think being in a relationship is a trap, you lack vision and creativity.
Eat that.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Wash the Rain
Sometimes there are so many things wrong. Too many to deal with. I'm only one person, I counted, so there's only so much I can do.
There is too much weighing on me; responsibility, guilt, anger, love, possibilities, mistakes, embarrassment, eating disorders, relationships, a plant, a cat, laundry, patients, patience, books, music, talent, my body, my ganglion, my hair, my room, dishes, the litter box, blogging, old friends, new friends, letter writing, story writing, impressing people, confronting people, contraception, he said she said, miscommunications, boredom, insolence, money, money, money, waiting, wanting, changing, staying the same, words, memories, plans, dreams, drinks, dances, phone calls, emails, lent, apologies, waking up.
One night, as I was trying to fall asleep, someone said the last straw (though I soon found out it was only one of the last straws) I don't remember what he said but I threw my mind somewhere it doesn't often go: I prayed. But I didn't pray to someone with a name, I didn't pray to someone at all. (Let's not make this what it isn't.) I immediately started hearing this old, horrible song loaded with nostalgia called "Wash the Rain" by World on Edge (how convenient!) and it swelled inside me until I found myself whispering "wash it all away, wash it all away..." Quickly, tears started streaming down my face but I kept repeating "wash it all away, wash it all away" and just as quickly, the tears stopped. And I fell asleep.
I'm hoping this wasn't my personal version of "serenitiy now, insanity later" but "wash it all away" has been my mantra since that night and it at least keeps me from crying or even frowning. It allows me to feel cool, calm, confident (like Aladdin) along with the frustration.
One by one we fall to the ground
We turn our heads and start from where we were found
On our knees
Hold your head from moving round
Your eyes are fixed on something that you have found
It's not for me
And if you say wash the rain
Do you mean wash the pain from me
There is too much weighing on me; responsibility, guilt, anger, love, possibilities, mistakes, embarrassment, eating disorders, relationships, a plant, a cat, laundry, patients, patience, books, music, talent, my body, my ganglion, my hair, my room, dishes, the litter box, blogging, old friends, new friends, letter writing, story writing, impressing people, confronting people, contraception, he said she said, miscommunications, boredom, insolence, money, money, money, waiting, wanting, changing, staying the same, words, memories, plans, dreams, drinks, dances, phone calls, emails, lent, apologies, waking up.
One night, as I was trying to fall asleep, someone said the last straw (though I soon found out it was only one of the last straws) I don't remember what he said but I threw my mind somewhere it doesn't often go: I prayed. But I didn't pray to someone with a name, I didn't pray to someone at all. (Let's not make this what it isn't.) I immediately started hearing this old, horrible song loaded with nostalgia called "Wash the Rain" by World on Edge (how convenient!) and it swelled inside me until I found myself whispering "wash it all away, wash it all away..." Quickly, tears started streaming down my face but I kept repeating "wash it all away, wash it all away" and just as quickly, the tears stopped. And I fell asleep.
I'm hoping this wasn't my personal version of "serenitiy now, insanity later" but "wash it all away" has been my mantra since that night and it at least keeps me from crying or even frowning. It allows me to feel cool, calm, confident (like Aladdin) along with the frustration.
One by one we fall to the ground
We turn our heads and start from where we were found
On our knees
Hold your head from moving round
Your eyes are fixed on something that you have found
It's not for me
And if you say wash the rain
Do you mean wash the pain from me
Friday, March 10, 2006
Ode to Darlene
The Lady of the Lake, The Priestess of Avalon, The Mother Confessor, The Headmaster of Hogwarts.
Director. Teacher. Actor. Student. Singer.
Patient. Dilligent. Determined.
Always loving, she easily sees you through your eyes.
She can never really be hurt even if her mortal coil can be bruised.
No one has ever inspired me more--inspiration that stays with me at the front of my mind.
Feel better, Darlene, and live for a thousand years!
Director. Teacher. Actor. Student. Singer.
Patient. Dilligent. Determined.
Always loving, she easily sees you through your eyes.
She can never really be hurt even if her mortal coil can be bruised.
No one has ever inspired me more--inspiration that stays with me at the front of my mind.
Feel better, Darlene, and live for a thousand years!
Monday, March 06, 2006
Haven't you always wanted a monkey?
Here's what I'd do with millions of dollars (and I invite you to come up with your own list):
I'd give a hell of a lot of money to my mom. I'd buy stars for people who are special to me (yeah, you can buy a star and name it after someone!). I'd start a theatre called Bottom's Dream with Kate and Tanya and every summer, I'd put on Midsummer Night's Dream and every winter I'd put on Twelfth Night and no one would get sick of it. I'd also put on The Importance of Being Earnest because it's awesome. And I'd pay Darlene and Greg millions to direct. And I'd pay my underpaid actor friends millions to be a part of it. I'd give so much money to Mollie to start up any charity she wanted and do amazing things with helping people. I'd start the TV show about the Travelling Warior Princesses. I'd dress like a princesse. I'd hold masquerades. I'd have one kick ass wedding. I'd buy my cat a house. I'd get my castle...
which leads me to my castle wish thing. the thing with my castle is that you can have anything you want in it or on the grounds. And please, don't limit yourself to one thing, pick as many things as you want. Get creative. Someone asked for a marble fountaine that you could swim in and find jewels at the bottom. Someone asked for a big rock that she could lie on and look at the stars. Someone asked for a roller coaster. I'm the most creative so far, though. I've come up with the best ideas for secret rooms through the library, secret passage ways to secret gardens and even secret hideouts inside trees. Most of my ideas are secret...
I have to think about these things when I feel like I don't have much. I mean, I know I have a lot. More best friends than I know what to do with, a free trip to Switzerland coming up, left over chinese food in the fridge and a really great mom. But I don't have any money. I don't have any self control. I don't have any energy. I don't have any cool clothes.
I have to have my dreams.
I'd give a hell of a lot of money to my mom. I'd buy stars for people who are special to me (yeah, you can buy a star and name it after someone!). I'd start a theatre called Bottom's Dream with Kate and Tanya and every summer, I'd put on Midsummer Night's Dream and every winter I'd put on Twelfth Night and no one would get sick of it. I'd also put on The Importance of Being Earnest because it's awesome. And I'd pay Darlene and Greg millions to direct. And I'd pay my underpaid actor friends millions to be a part of it. I'd give so much money to Mollie to start up any charity she wanted and do amazing things with helping people. I'd start the TV show about the Travelling Warior Princesses. I'd dress like a princesse. I'd hold masquerades. I'd have one kick ass wedding. I'd buy my cat a house. I'd get my castle...
which leads me to my castle wish thing. the thing with my castle is that you can have anything you want in it or on the grounds. And please, don't limit yourself to one thing, pick as many things as you want. Get creative. Someone asked for a marble fountaine that you could swim in and find jewels at the bottom. Someone asked for a big rock that she could lie on and look at the stars. Someone asked for a roller coaster. I'm the most creative so far, though. I've come up with the best ideas for secret rooms through the library, secret passage ways to secret gardens and even secret hideouts inside trees. Most of my ideas are secret...
I have to think about these things when I feel like I don't have much. I mean, I know I have a lot. More best friends than I know what to do with, a free trip to Switzerland coming up, left over chinese food in the fridge and a really great mom. But I don't have any money. I don't have any self control. I don't have any energy. I don't have any cool clothes.
I have to have my dreams.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
