Here is a list of things that happen -- they just happen, so I'm not going to get upset about them anymore, even if I'm PMSing:

* Technology fails me. I cannot rely on it.

* New shoes give me blisters. They rip my ankles to shreds.

* Commercials suck.

* I often accidentally break spiderwebs with my face.

* Right after I spend a tiny bit of money superfluously, I need it for a problem that arises.

*Children won't listen (sometimes).

* Roommates will write passive aggressive notes on the fridge.

* Nail polish will get ruined in the drying period.

* Webcam sex is not simple.

* My mother will unintentionally make me feel bad when I really need her to make me feel good.

* Cheap shampoo makes my hair feel like shit.

* Stretchy jeans don't fit well if you wear them for a whole day.

* Everything -- EVERYTHING -- costs money. Usually more than I thought.

* Taxi companies don't care about me and so I have to wait and call and call again.

* Kids under five will kick me in the face.


I just realised how negative this is! But really, it's a good thing because I'm putting these things in bubbles and blowing them away. Here's why I can handle them:

* Technology -- when it fails me, I do something fun!

* Blisters -- the worse the blisters, the sexier the legs!

* Commercials -- so I turn off the TV! Plus, I can watch online or rent good shows.

* Spiderwebs -- I feel like a fairy.

* Money -- the thing I spend it on is often worth it, i.e. food with friends or skinny jeans.

* Children -- I get to give them back, or, they end up listening.

* Roommates -- they also write nice comments on my facebook profile picture.

* Nail polish -- nobody cares. and if they do, I don't like them. did you know they call it nail varnish in some places? Crazy.

* Websex -- a) I won't have to do it much longer, b) it's fun and funny.

* Mommy -- makes me feel good when I least expect it and didn't know I needed it.

* Bad shampoo -- the crappiness makes me have to put my hair up in a messy way and I like it.

* Stretchy jeans -- a) You feel like you're quickly losing weight, no matter what you eat that day and b) when you wash them, they fit like a charm again.

* Money -- There's nothing that makes this good. But there's no use complaining because it doesn't help and it spreads bad karma. The lawyers who charge 60 bucks for 30 seconds of their time to sign a fucking form and THAT'S IT, well, their karma is shot and I will see them in their fire-y money hell from my fairy dust full paradise.

* Taxi companies -- I have a bike, I'll be with my man soon, I'm still safe and sound, jumping into bed super late is a really good feeling.

* Getting kicked in the face -- They pay me $15 an hour. I'm a warrior, I can take it for $15 an hour.



So that's better. I can breathe. I don't need to stress out about these things. It's pointless. Because they are inevitable, unstoppable happenstances that I have absolutely no control over. There's a lot that I can control and I feel so good when I exercise that control! For example -- I'm wearing skinny jeans and I look really, really hot.

Genius From Letters From London

I gotta say, I love that girl's blog. She's an amazing writer. Can someone convince her to publish? I'm a little intimidated that she's a real person. Couldn't she be famous and untouchable so I can just enjoy her fucking blog?

Existentialism, Transcripts and Porn

So, so, so many things. Might have to do a point form again as my mind is in a strange place due to caffeine. Sorry it's been so long, first of all.

* EG came to visit and it was great. Sex was fucking wicked, talks were good. Very few tears, despite the reintroduction of the evil pill into my system. The only tears were because he loudly said I was just like his mum while on the phone with his dad who is constantly frustrated by his mum...So I immediately thought his dad would hate me and warn EG against me and then EG said that was crazy, that nobody else thought that way (even though 2 of my friends saw my point immediately) and that it was just a reflex to be annoyed when anyone mumbled instructions while he's on the phone. Fair point, I hate when people do that to me. I was just trying to help and I never did it before or after! So we both apologised and both forgave and everything was fine over spaghetti bolognese and wine. No wine, really, but it was a nice little rhyme.

* EG had to leave early because he had a BIG interview to be a lecturer at his old university! He's not even done his masters yet, and he's interviewing to be a lecturer! He's just 24! anyway, his laptop got a virus meaning a lot of dough went right out the fucking window to fix it. Then, because of the virus, he lost his office package and we had to buy him one of those to prepare for the interview. Then we had to get him a suit for the interview! That's some serious fucking wonga! Buuuuut -- all worth it because he GOT THE JOB! He's thrilled and I'm thrilled which leads me to...

*I'm moving to England in September. FINALLY. f-i-n-a-l-l-y! I'm gonna try to get a working holiday visa, find a job, move in with EG and make this thing happen! He's so excited, he can't stop looking at places and sending me links! It's gonna be amazing! I reallllly cannot express my excitement enough. No need to fantasise even because reality is so freaking sweet!

* I type transcripts all day, every day. I drank a biiiig cup of quite strong coffee last night at midnight to stay up late to do them. It made it kind of fun. I felt great this morning on only 4 hours sleep! But I felt awful around 5pm...Not learning anyone else's lesson of BACKING UP WORK, I lost 40 hours of typing and have to do it again. It has to be completely finished by Sunday. There aren't enough hours! I hate it a lot! On the other hand...

*I'm probably gonna put an ad on craigslist saying I'll do transcripts for relatively cheap. Lots of extra cash, and I can work naked in bed if I want. Any job where I can work naked in bed...wait...how can I backpedal out of this statement?

*EG got me into the UK Apprentice. Thank God it's over, 'cause I fucking loved it. I usually HATE reality TV, but man was this good. The suspence was terrible! (I hope it'll last...)

*EG thinks I'm an existentialist. He has yet to tell me why. Isn't Simone De Beauvoir an existentialist? Neenia, don't you know about her? what's the dealio, yo? Is it true? He's so smart, my big strong man...He's getting really into philosophy. He started out getting a (first class) degree in Football Studies and now he's gonna be a Sociology lecturer. And he'll get his PhD eventually...Dr English Gentleman...Mrs Dr English Gentleman...sounds wicked...

*My computer is now Windows as opposed to Linux (the switch was how I lost my 40 hours of work...) which means I can do lots of things I couldn't before. I can download Harry Potter audio books on bit torrent, I can use microsoft word, itunes, I can play pet society again on facebook, I have media player and ... I can watch a lot more porn. I'm already bored with it though. I'm back to erotic stories. Always more creative and less leggy-blondes. sigh, can't wait til regular sex is in my life again...

*I really want to be in another musicall. Hair, please. The passion in it, in most of the songs, always gets to me. There's just something about it. I really think I belong in that show, at least once, I don't care who I am. Well, I'd obviously love to be Genie. I think I'll try and put it on in Southampton.

*I'm a little noivous that I won't have friends in Southampton...I'll make some though, right? There's theatre there, and that's all I need, right? There's theatre there, right?

* I need to type more and go to sleeeep.

*Last September, I weighed myself at a friend's house and this particular scale had little colourful markers so you can set goals and stuff, mark where you're at at one point in time. So the red was where I weighed in September and the blue was where I wanted to be. I went there last week and -- I surpassed the blue! This is wicked! I weigh what it says on my resume now! So I can lower what it says on my resume! I just have to maintain when I go to England...nothing's like BC for losing weight and being healthy so I reeeeally need to make sure I don't slip into gross habits...today I ate 7 cookies...

*I watched some Travesty stuff online just now and was proud of myself! I sound good, we all do! I was really upset and uncomfortable with my performance in that show at the time, for some reason, because, watching it now, it was great! The thing is, why aren't there any comments on youtube? veeery few people commented on like, two of them! I want more, my ego needs petting!

* I'm twenty-six. There's no denying the grown-upness of that statement. Twenty-six years old is an ADULT's age. When I was younger, not much younger, I was sure I'd have kids/be famous by now. All these expectations, why do we do it to ourselves? Oh, I know, because we see other poeple do things and then think it's possible but what we don't know is, time flies. and then you're twenty six. Not a mother, not a working actress. I have plans, that's all. I'm not gonna get depressed because I was feeling really hopeful like a minute ago. But it's just weird. I graduated at twenty one... How do you measure a year in the life? No, I know how -- measure in love. Not cheesy. It's the way I want to live, the way I believe is right. The question is, how do you get people (like my mother) to measure in love?

Taking stock of what I have and what I haven't...
Daylights, sunsets, midnights, cups of coffee,
inches (lost!), miles, laughter and strife...

Another year of that. How lucky am I?

Things You Might Like To Know

* I broke my wrist while rollerblading. Yes, rollerblading.

* I didn't get in to RENT. I'm genuinely not upset by this as I am really not fond of the director or his company and it isn't a professional production anyway.

* I'm gonna be in my first student film on Monday as a sexy server! I hope I get at least one line!

* EG is coming to stay with me for almost three weeks! So many exciting plans and surprises! Lots to do!!! Need to wax everything...

* My right nipple is really itchy at the moment.

* EG is talking like we're absolutely moving in together in September! It's happening, no questions! Except the how...

* I'm almost really sick of Vancouver. She treated me so well all winter and the beginning of spring, but now she's being a complete twat.

* I actually know about globalisation. I can quote Foucault.

* Passive aggression is my new biggest pet peeve and I think it will keep the lead for a long time. I'm really really trying to be chill when people get passive aggressive on my ass but it just makes my blood boil and so I talk behind their backs...

* I'm going to be twenty-fucking-six in a month. Twenty-sick.

* I've had dreams about my imaginary wedding for 3 nights in a row now. I think it'll be a while before I get a proposal, if ever.

* Doing the dishes makes my hands feel really dry but I don't like those gloves.

* It's hard to not eat bread when you're allowed to eat bread when it's there. I'm good at home, no problem, but babysitting = carbs!

* I'm probably getting a beautiful purple bike on Tuesday! I wanna get streamers for the handlebars and those clicky things for the spokes and, most importantly, a basket!!!

* My room's clean, except the floor needs vaccuming. You try vaccuming with a broken wrist.

* I've gotten into passive aggressive notes (google that shit) online...I think my house would win.

* I'm going to have the loudest possible sex when he gets here.

*I'd really like a psychologist...or psychiatrist, whichever is the one without meds. I don't need pills to clear my head! In fact, that would cloud it more! I just need an objective listener to whom I can tell everything in my life.

* The neighbours are playing really shitty music.

* I like this new show: The Inbetweeners. Check it out. OV Guide. You won't regret it.

* I overrate tonight, but it was just tomato soup! Still, don't get back into the habit. No part of it feels good. Oh, except for the part where the soup was in my mouth.

* You know how I've never particularly wanted fame and fortune but I've always known I'd end up with them? Well I'm starting to worry that my brilliance will remain unnoticed! Now, that's fine...but not for my castle...

* I think I might have kids' songs in my head for the rest of my life. Hmm.

*I miss teaching! I loved those little ankle biters! I knew how to put on a wicked show!

* I've never appreciated the convention of Friday and Saturday nights. I understand the fact that if we all partied on different nights of the week, no one would get any sleep, 'cause of the noise. But I don't like the pressure! Or the lame things people choose to do and enjoy enforcing on their friend Alathariel.

* The Nanny was a really good show!


*Time to sleep.

Anotastic!

Okay, I'm calming down. I've learned two things:

1) I've lost 20 pounds since last summer, 10 since christmas specifically. So I am losing, just really really slowly and healthily. Fuck that, because here's the second thing I learned:

2) It all comes down to burning more calories than you eat. Obviously, I already knew that, but it really just hit me, I guess. EG says that if you sit around and do nothing all day, you burn 1000 calories. Ok, perfect, if I could just eat about 1000 calories a day and then exercise a bit, I'd burn more than I eat!

SO, for the past few days, I've been a bit crazy with eating teeny tiny portions of things, and today, too, but I just now realised how calorific (note: that word is not underlined in red by firefox...I thought I made it up...) cheese and nuts are. Yikes. I REALLY love cheese and I really love nuts. So, portion limits, no problem, right? Do it the French Women Don't Get Fat way, eat slowly, lo-o-ove the food and savour every bite. Chew more than usual and have a sip of water after each swallow. Feel full faster and avoid indigestion and hiccups! Oh, and lose weight.

I don't understand how my mind and emotions are all changing so much on this topic. It's really confusing. I think there's so much propaganda out there and so many good smells that it's just a mess in that part of my brain, but I really feel like I've been trying to sort this shit out for years!

As I know I'm living healthily, and getting better, I shouldn't worry anymore. It just bugs me that a) I don't fit into skinny jeans yet and b) I won't be super fit for EG.

Oh, and EG also said, when I told him I'm getting fit slowly, "remember how much you weighed last summer? Well, I thought you were sexy then!" So, I'm an idiot hole, but...it's hard not to be. I know you're all (and by all, I don't just mean blog circlers, I mean everyone) fucked up about your body image in one way or another.

Funny note: In the comments of my last post, Skinny Rabbit told me I should do sit ups before I wake up and before I go to bed.

Think about it.

My Eating Disorder

Have I already had that title? I feel like I have because I've had this issue forever.

I have a few things to confess. The reasons I say I want to be fit -- for my health, my happiness, energy, because I'd rather run around all day than sit down all day, my career -- are all true, but they are NOT the only reasons. I will now tell you the terrible reasons that are also true:

*EG would find me sexier if I were fitter. We could have sex standing up. I'd be at his level of fitness. I'd be at his level of hotness.

*I'm jealous of one of my best friends who used to look like me and now looks like a model. A teeny, tiny model in skinny jeans. I find myself thinking horrible thoughts like "well, her boobs are way smaller now."



I'm trying guys. I am. I go to yoga, I go to Burlesque Aerobics, I eat so much better than before! I pretty much cut out bread -- I only eat wraps about once a week. I cut out milk because people were freaking me out about the hormones. I eat vegetables. I don't eat pasta or rice. My cookie habits have lessened enormously. Literally, like 2 cookies a week.

After all this, I think I'm gaining weight. I always thought giving up bread would be the last resort. I mean, you know I've tried eating well and working out and it's not working, I've always got quitting bread on the back burner. So now I've quit and qu'est-ce que fuck? Why is my tummy still so big? Why can't I fit into size 30 jeans?


So here's my newest plan: I'm going on a ridiculous fast/cleanse that has to last at least 6 days. No more than 20. No more than 20! it says! 20 fucking days of no food?!? Why do they have to put a maximum? Who wants to fast for more than 20 days? They say you'll resist getting off the fast because you feel such euphoria. I'd fucking better. During the fast, I have to do 20 minutes of cardio/day. Fine, easy.

So...is there anything else I can do? I mean, should I just start throwing up after every meal?

Turn Off the Dark

Hello blogworld -- I'm back!

I don't know why I haven't blogged in so long! EG thinks it's because I'm happy. I think it's partly because it's a little inconvenient to sign in to blogger when I'm already on my other gmail account. I'm sure I can just change my blog's email...

But no harm done, I'm back, aren't I?

What can I discuss? Everything? Anything? I feel like someone just asked me "so, what are you doing now?" and I don't like to dignify that question with the answer they expect, i.e. to say where I go every day to make money.

I'll say a few things that are on my mind. This is particularly on my mind at this very moment:

I have a friend over and we are laughing about something quite funny, and my roommates just knocked on the wall. It's midnight. Fair enough, right? Absofuckinglutely wrong. This is a fucking noisy house. Last night they had their base pumped up through a sub-woofer so high, I still have a headache. I didn't say anything, because I was warned, this is a noisy house, and I accept that. They fuck every single night, regardless of the hour, and she squeals like a coyote being run over by a tractor. They recorded a drum track at midnight, keeping all of their extra storage stuff in my room for three nights in a row and I had no problem with it. I can't think of other examples right now, because I'm livid, but TRUST ME, there are tons of examples. Almost every night, there's a lot of noise in this house. I already have a fucking headache and now that I'm so upset, it's ten times worse. I need to vent in blog form so I can let it go in real life -- THOSE MOTHERFUCKING, COCKSUCKING CUNTS CAN LICK ME WHERE I BLEED. I'm reeeeeeeeeeeeeally not impressed. Either we're all allowed noise at any time, or none of us are allowed noise after a certain time. They need to get FUCKING EARPLUGS IF ONE NIGHT THEY FUCKING DECIDE THEY CAN'T SLEEP WHILE I CHAT WITH MY FRIEND AT MIDNIGHT. I thought they were great people and I would never accuse them of taking advantage of me until now.

I can't let this go long enough to write about anything else! rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll try though -- I'm auditioning for the new Spider-man musical by Bono and The Edge called Turn Off The Dark and I'm really excited. I'm going to Seattle to audition. I'm nervous. I want this part. I AM the new Spidey villain. I am she. They just haven't met me yet, they're going to be so excited when they finally find me next Monday.

I thought of another example -- they play their keyboard all the time, but to be considerate, they put the headphones in, so all I hear is tuneless pounding. Not fun at all. Those fucking dicks. What can I say to them?

I talked with EG on skype today and he looked so unbelievably hot and handsome and wise and ...real. I almost cried. I just stared at him for so many minutes, as long as I could. He looked into the camera so I could pretend I was looking in his eyes. I can hear how cheesy that sounds, but how can I care when that's all I have? When I get that connection again, that real connection, it will be like air can finally flow through me again. I need him. I need his grin, his intelligent grin. Every day he gets smarter and I feel luckier. I don't feel less worthy though, just grateful that he is in my life. It doesn't help to see him, even though I'd die if I didn't. It makes me more sad, knowing what I'm missing. I belong with that grin, with those lips, those arms, those eyes. I got lost in his eyes. It's a cliche because it applies to real love.

This blog hasn't been enough about turning off the dark for that to be the title, but the darkness of my blog drought has ended!

Holy Dosomeyoga, Batman!

I just heard about the Christian Bale freak out thing (if you don't know about it, it's easy to find on youtube) and I'm not happy about it.

The deal is that he was doing a really emotional, really tough scene, and the lights guy was walking around the set, not on camera, but in Bale's line of vision and more importantly, in the character's world. He went mental. Really, listen to it on youtube.

I enjoy not caring about celebrity lives -- what they're wearing, who they're fucking, what they're worshipping; those things mean nothing to me. But I was sad when I heard Christian Bale flipping out at the lights guy.

Because my problems are what they are, I can't imagine that Christian Bale has any real problems, problems worth losing his control. I wonder if his family life isn't very good?

He is a really successful actor. He is a really good actor. He's young. He's super fit. He has more money than anyone needs. ...why couldn't he control himself? And if this is a regular thing, why does he think it's okay?

If I'm lucky enough to be a successful actress, am I going to end up a diva?? I'm scared that it gets too easy to lose perspective and flip out.

Shouldn't an actor be able to concentrate on the scene no matter what's going on around them? But then, Christian Bale is a better actor than I'll ever be, so who am I to question his methods? If he thinks it's distracting having someone out of the world on set, then he's right.

But he didn't have to be such a dick about it. He should learn to meditate, or take anger management class or something.

Living Life in Peace

I forgot what I was going to write because I just read Skinny's new blog and it put the song "Pieces of You" by Jewel in my head. ...you say he's a faggot...

I was going to say something about the fact that I'm out of the slump. It's over. It's been years, I think, and just like that, it's gone, I can feel it. 

I dunno what it was, just a new year, a clean room, a fresh outlook, settling in, saddling up, auditioning 4 times in one week, having a few friends, lighting a few candles. It's nice, I like it.

I'm not going to dwell in the fact that the slump is over, but I will revel in my newfound self.

I've written a bit more to my book...s. I'd forgotten that the bit I wrote a couple nights ago is from another story completely. Sigh, will I ever finish anything?  Well, one of my books is coming together quite nicely! Imagine if I really, truly wrote a children's novel??? Imagine if it got published and sold and that's how I made my fortune? Insanity.

In other news, at one of my auditions, I pulled the old Claire is a brilliant slacker/improviser trick and ROCKED a monologue I learned that afternoon. It was so fucking funny y'all. My character was brilliant, I made the dude laugh like 5 times. Very unique and clever, if I do say so myself. I really love interpreting scripts MY way.

So, in short, I love acting, children's novels and honeycomb candles.

Cheater Cheater Vampire Eater

Some people have all the luck. There's probably a girl out there who was born with the same amount of talent and passion I was born with, but maybe her parents were famous musicians. Maybe her father was a successful director, her mother an opera singer. Said lucky girl grew up in a theatre! Money was never a problem for her, she started training in the womb, she was born with more connections than she knows what to do with.

Well, there would be no use in feeling bitter about that lucky girl's lot. I'm lucky too, just in different ways. I use what I have to make the best life I can possibly have. It's been such a grind lately but I truly feel I'm on my way. This year is my year, like I said. I know it will be a bumpy road and I'm okay with that. I embrace it. I can't wait to tell the story of how I got successful.

Now, I've just found out that really close friends of mine, a whole family in fact, are on depression medication. None of them are clinically depressed. Um, what? I don't understand it. Maybe I'm selfish, but my first reaction was one of outrage. "That's not fair!" I kept repeating, "That's cheating!" Those were the thoughts running through my head and out of my mouth.

We all have problems. Even lucky theatre girl. We deal with them. Don't you think it's cheating to go on medication to make you feel better about...life?! I mean, I don't know if any of you are on any sort of medication, so I'm sorry if I'm insulting you. I just don't get it.

No, I do get it, it's just not fair! Most people have to stick it out, don't they? I mean, it's like taking speed to stay up all night to study for a test--that would be considered cheating, wouldn't it? Taking steroids to help your muscles get bigger faster--totes cheating. Popping depression pills to stay happy when everyone else is trying to create their own happiness--it must be cheating! It's not fair!

On a slightly different note, all of you who know me know that I'm scatter brained, not so good a keeping tidy and organised. Well, I got a bit better in Switzerland, and now my room is perfect. I mean, there's nothing in there I don't use and there's a place for everything. It looks nice, I put away everything at the end of the day, I even make my bed every morning. I expect my life to fall into place as a direct result of this (and hard work and dedication, blah blah blah).

My roommates, the sex ones, are pretty successful musicians for their age. I mean, every time I talk to them, they're on their way from or to a recording studio or a gig or to teach. They have business cards for all their different bands and groups and they have promotional photos for everything. Wouldn't you think people like this wouldn't be messy people? Their rooms (the one they work in and the one they fuck in) are worse than the worst mine has ever been. Seriously. I don't know how they get anything done. They live in filth. Well, not filth, they're not dirty, just really really messy. And...

That's not fair! That's cheating! How do they keep their lives in order with messy rooms! I couldn't do it! It cluttered my brain, made me forget things, there was no way to keep track of my schedule! How do they do it?

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just searching for things to be jealous of? I hope not. I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm going to fight vampires the clean way. In every sense. I don't know if that's something I should be proud of, and I will certainly try not to boast. Chances are, there won't be much to boast about, but at least I'm trying.

My New Year

My wonderful man just left again, assuring me that he's quite excited for our next adventure which will come before we know it. After a tearful goodbye, I read a little Nick Hornby (Slam, it's a year old and I didn't even know about it!) and tried to pull myself together. I had a ticket issue with my own flight--I won't be back to Vancouver until Thursday--and there was a very surprisingly kind employee who did not charge me an expensive flight change fee! Really good way to kick off the year (as somehow I feel the year didn't start 'til EG disappeared...).

I can feel it: this year will be so much better than the last. I'll be so much stronger! I am so much stronger. It's excellent.

In keeping with kind of tradition, here are my New Year's Resos:

1. Save all twoonies in a jar.
2. Write more songs.
3. Work out 4 times a week (at least).
4. Help people more (but mostly my mommy).
5. Don't turn down jobs or skip work ever, for any reason unless I have to be at another job or literally cannot get out of bed.

I've learned that you can't just set a goal, saying "I want to be more in shape" because that doesn't tell you what actions to take and it feels like you're on your way to achieving the goal just because you declare that you want it. Or at least that's how I feel. When I set my sights on something, my mind just assumes I have it, I brush off my hands and say "well, I'm glad that's over with. Well done, Alathariel." So I can't keep doing that. I think this year, the resolutions are specific to daily and weekly life.

I like life. This year's going to be a good one, I can feel it.

Note: As I write this, I can hear the old lady who lives downstairs snoring. The whistling kind. It's haunting.

Oh Yeah Baby! Oh My God! Oh Yeah!

I live in what I call "The Music House." Not a very creative title because all of my four roommates are musicians. Freezing in here, we say it's like camping in the winter. It's an extremely fun house with zany themed parties and I'm so glad I live here.

Two of my roommates are together and share the room next to mine. Now, when I moved in, there was already a bed. A really big bed that I can't move. For some reason, the guy who lived here before me decided it was appropriate to put the bed against the shared (paper thin) wall.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'm not complaining about the loud sex that keeps me up every night--I don't want to be quiet when I have sex and I don't think anyone else should be forced to be quiet either. But dude. My sex lives in Loughborough, England and I live in Vancouver, BC, Canada.

In other news, I'm totally gonna have sex in 2 days. A LOT of sex. Really really good sex. Kinky, filthy, wicked, unable to sit for days sex.

p.s. The title of this post is not me using poetic license, they're actual breathless words I am hearing right now.

Gimme Gimme

Friends, I need help. Serious help. I am so obsessed with weddings/marriage that this is what I spend my time online doing:
*looking for pretty/dainty/unique/antique/special/magical engagement rings (there are none woven from pixie hair, which is what I really want, but I've found some that kind of look like it).
*looking for perfect wedding dresses. I can't decide what I want because I really want something simple and flowing, but I also would love uber complicated and uncomfortable and corset-y, know what I mean?
*watching "perfect proposals" on youtube.

I have a disease. What is wrong with me? EG a) won't propose soon, b) won't propose within two years and c) might never propose at all. Why am I torturing myself? Why do I think that's my dream come true? It's not, my real dream is to perform all the time and yes, have my man at home when I'm at home, happy and fulfilled with his passions and career, excited to see me every time he sees me. Really, is that so much to ask? No. Do I need a proposal that rivals those on youtube or in the movies? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Is it fair to say that five weddings in one year and my best friend getting preggers have influenced the way my brain works? Yes. Although, I will admit I've always wanted a fun/pretty/perfect/magical/unique/exciting/more magical dress, ring and wedding. But the obsession has reached a point...the highest point, I think.

I hope.

I don't think I can be more obsessed than I am now. Someone gave me ticketmaster gift certificates and I couldn't find anything EG and I would enjoy over Christmas, so I was actually considering using them when I get back to Vancouver on a BRIDAL SHOW. I'm not a bride!!! I might never be a bride!!! What has happened to me???

What is it about weddings? ...Other than the obvious--the promise of being with the person I love who loves me for as long as we both shall live and getting to be the centre of attention in the prettiest dress I'll ever own with the most beautifully magical hair I'll ever have with everyone telling me how beautiful I look, speeches being made about me and my love, toasting our happiness, kissing every time someone dings a glass, singing, dancing, discussing the happy years that are to come.

Other than that dream come true, and the fact that other peoples' wedding related happiness was thrown in my face way too much this whole year, why am I obsessed?

Suicide and Babies

There are a lot of things happening, kind of, but it doesn't feel like it...I don't know. Here's what's going on:

First of all, I'm reading A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby again. These characters are just phenomenal. The things they come up with genuinely make me cry often and laugh constantly. And the fact that I relate to them so well make me think I'm suicidal. Not suicidal in that I've ever truly wanted to die, just that I seem to have a lot in common with the people who do. Minus the killing myself part.

Here's a quote:

"A man who wants to die feels angry and full of life and desperate and bored and exhausted, all at the same time; he wants to fight everyone and he wants to curl up in a ball and hide in a cupboard somewhere. He wants to say sorry to everyone, and he wants everyone to know just how badly they've all let him down."

That's often how I feel! But I am certain I'm not a man who wants to die. I don't. I want to fix things. But I've kind of curled up in a ball and hid in a cupboard somewhere. The problem I'm finding with that is--your brain/heart/conscience/soul/life doesn't just stop working when you do that. You still think, feel, ache, move, breathe and the "fucking shambles" that your life has become gets worse. Still doesn't make me want to die--makes me want to hide harder, actually. But surely only an insane person would keep hiding after finding hiding doesn't work.

The good thing about the book is that they're not really suicidal in the end anymore. There is hope.

Now, completely unrelated, here's what else is in my head: EG loves to travel. He calls himself "A Citizen of the World!" He wants to, not visit, but live in many different places around the globe. I fully support this, as long as he knows I'm coming with him. But there are two problems--and if you're reading this, EG, I hope we've talked about it by now, it's not something I wanted to discuss over the phone, know what I mean?--and they are big problems. 1. I want to start having babies by the time I'm 30. I actually want to start now, but it would be better to start when I'm 30. Now, I understand that he's a year and a half younger than me, so even if we saw totally eye to eye on this, I might still have to wait 'til I'm 31. And I can do that. So that leaves us 4 and a bit years to live in different places around the globe. Surely that's enough time to decide where you want to live, right? Aha, but herein lies the second problem--I already know where I want to live and it has nothing to do with the city itself, the laws, the flora and fauna, the crime statistics--it's where my family is. Not in the suburbs, never that, but in the city next to the suburbs where said family lives. How can I ensure that his adventures around the world will lead him to the city from whence I came???

Truly a dilemma. And we only have 18 days together over Christmas--how can one of those precious hours be spent crying and possibly finding out that he will absolutely not want to live in my city and that he feels fine waiting until he's 40 to have kids because he can just find a 25 year old who's ripe and ready?

I am continually perplexed that there are so many marriages and babies happening around me and none of them are mine.

...however...

No, I wasn't lying, I really hate it when they ruin my wonderful books.

But I can't fucking wait to see the new Harry Potter movie. The preview looks so. fucking. good.

Ramblings In Bed

I am so sick of being ashamed! Of apologising!

Here is who I am, freely and unapologetically:

-I get hurt a lot--cuts, blisters, bruises, ingrown hairs, scrapes, burns, scabs--all of them can be found on my body ALL THE TIME.

-I am a girly girl. I like purple, weddings, flowers, frills, fairies, dresses, pink, berries, victorian houses, make-up, ballet, romance, mermaids, kisses, chick flicks, hair, the renaissance, Jane Austen--the list goes on.

-I like the flower power message. I'm not a "dirty hippie" but I believe in truth, love, freedom, happiness, peace, harmony. How can that be bad?

-I'm awful with money.

-I'm nervous, intimidated and jealous with new or existing friends.


*****


I don't want to want things anymore. I don't want to want gadgets, don't want to want to looka certain way, or need the "cool seats" on the bus. I don't want to be traumatised by children from my past who are now adults! I don't want to feel jealousy! I'm sick of jealousy!

I have so much!

I have the mail where I think I need the internet.

I have the outdoors when I think I need the gym.

I have love when I think I need stuff!

NO, NO, NOOOOO!

So, a couple nights ago, I wrote a lot of things in a journal that I wanted to blog about. Then, the next day, I cleaned my room and forgot to bring it with me to this place where I have the internet. Lamesies. (definitely stole that word from Neenia.)

Instead of giving you the things I wrote before, I will give you this:

I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hate when people fuck with my books. It makes me scream. I can't watch the rape of my friends. Have you seen that episode of South Park? It's pretty recent, when Stan and Kyle and a bunch of the other boys keep bursting into tears at the memory of Speilberg and Lucas raping Indiana Jones. It's so so funny when you watch it, and then it's not funny when it happens to something you truly care about!

I love fantasy books. Mostly childrens' ones as I find adult fantasy is usually very poorly written. But there's this one grown-up series, The Sword of Truth, that I particularly enjoy and I've been dying for it to be a TV show, because then they wouldn't have to cut anything. Well, now they have made a TV show. They named it The Legend of the Seeker which is complete and utter bullshit--TO START WITH. I can't even go INTO the rest without wanting to throw everything and throw up! But I will a little, to show the kind of thing that pisses me off:

-The main character is not tall or big when that's always how he is described. And his eyes aren't hawk-like or grey.

-The main woman doesn't have green eyes or black hair, and her dress doesn't have a square-shaped neckline. Is that SO hard to make????

-The story is completely fucked. Like characters who were supposed to know each other for life are strangers until the first episode, they say that the wizard hid the seeker from birth knowing he was the seeker--not true!--and the father was supposed to be dead in the beginning!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH there's so much more! The magic is all wrong, the lines are all wrong, the bad guys are ALL wrong, they completely changed the story! The characters are on a different journey than the one in the book! There aren't even the fucking boxes of Orden for fuck's sake!!!

Okay. On to another obsession. Inkheart by Cornelia Funke. The Sword of Truth series is for grown ups, not very well written, though captivating, and it ended horribly. So I can try to be okay with that. Nobody who hasn't read the books will watch it anyway. But Inkheart is for children. Kids who have read the books will not be strong enough to keep the memories of the REAL story, settings, characters and descriptions in their little heads, and all of their wonderful imaginations will be tarnished by the piece of shit movie! And little kids who are too fucking lazy to read will watch the piece of shit movie and think that's enough, think it's all right, but it's wrong. IT'S WRONG!

I just saw the trailer for Inkheart and they've DESTROYED everything in the book! It's well casted, I'll admit, and it looks cool, but that's just the problem--they have enough that's the same to pass it off as the movie version of the book, but IT'S NOT! IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE BASED ON THE BOOK!

And this is just after the trailer! The movie is going to kill me! It's hard enough with Harry Potter--do you know how many people don't read the books because they can "just see the movie?" One would be way too many, but it's so much more than one. It's probably more than half. More than half the people in the world. That's disgusting. When I say "Harry Potter" in any given situation, most people would say "seen it" in some way or another--AS IF I'M REFERRING TO THE MOVIES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

I can't stand it! What's wrong with making movie versions of the books without changing anything? Cut shit, I understand that, even add things for all I care--but why can't you keep them the same?????

They can do ANYTHING in the movies nowadays! I don't understand why people think it's okay to read something and say "it would be better if this happened!" Well, I understand that it's okay to say that--but not if you have the fucking rights to the story!!!!!!!!

I feel like no matter how many exclamations I add, or however often I use capslock, noone is going to understand how frustrated and hurt I really am. So I'll just stop now. With this plea:

If you go see a movie that is "based on" a book, read the book first, and if the movie isn't the same, hate it. And encourage others to be the same. Please.

I Want It All (Ooh Yeah!)

Wow, I was all preachy, "you must blog!" and now it's been so long since I last blogged.

Sorry!

I keep bouncing back and forth between being completely depressed, mopey, unmotivated and lazy to energetic, productive, positive and "back in the game!"

It's hard to choose which one I really am. I'd settle for a happy medium--a place where I have a job and an apartment that I like and can afford respectively, and where I'm fairly motivated to write my album and audition, be energetic and eat well. I suppose that's completely the latter rather than the former. 

But seriously, y'all. What am I doing here? What the hell am I doing here? 

I keep bouncing back and forth between asking that question and answering it. 

I'm going to choose the positive. I'm here because I'm going to break into the film scene. I have until June. 

Here's what I need to do:

1. Find another job that pays well. Right now, I'm looking to be a server because it pays the best. Other than Nannying for which I am overfuckingqualified and for some reason, can't find a family. But serving happens at night which is better for auditioning anyway.

2. Find a place to live that is cheap, near some stuff, with people who aren't judgmental (ps, did you know that judgmental has no "e" as in judgE? I always thought it did. Go figure.) or dickheads.

3. Audition and get student films. Be in them and be amazing in them.

4. Get an agent and audition for stuff.

5. After being in a few student films, make a demo reel (a cheap one, somehow) to improve my chances of landing a gig in film or television.

All this has to be done while making enough money to pay off my debt. Also, I must get skinny really fast.

Now, all this is possible. It is. It is possible. I can have it if I want it. I have to remember that. If I want it to happen, if I make it happen, if I try--it will happen! I can have it all!

I WILL have it all!!!!!!!!!!!!

How are you?

Where Are We?

Seriously friends, where have we been?

So much is happening, I'm sure, so let's blog about it! I like you guys, I miss you guys, let's stay in touch for serious.

I'll start:

I'm not motivated again. All signs point to the fact that I'm a lazy person. Except when I'm with other people. I like being with other people more than being alone. Am I the only one who feels this way? No. But that doesn't change the fact that there's no one here.

So why am I here all by myself, you ask? Nobody asked that Heidi. I'll ask it, why am I here all by myself?  Well, it's because there are a lot of opportunities here that are not in Toronto even though I love Toronto. I also don't like everyone breathing down my neck about my debt all the time. I'm here to deal with it on my own and that's what I'm doing. I'm in the midst of getting a super sweet job that will cover rent, debt and then some. So that's good.  

I miss my man so so so so so much. But he misses me too, so that makes me happy. Both of us are well aware that "anything can happen" in a good way or a bad way or both, and we're trying to be okay with that. Well, he has threatened to kill anyone who "tries it on" with me (to which I responded "aaawww!") and I said I really don't want to know if he sleeps with any stupid girl who clearly is not remotely close to being as good as me at anything. I'm pretty sure I'm the loveliest person he'll ever meet.  So I'm confident. We're trying to work out how to see each other at Christmas and he actually said the words "I loved Christmas with your family," which made me beam for a couple hours. I think his parents will buy him a ticket to Toronto for Christmas/birthday/graduation.  That would rock because I have no money to help him. So Christmastime will be another dream come true!

There's not enough theatre here. I really do need to lose weight and audition for films more than ever.  It's making me nervous. But you'd think that my lack of cash should work well with my need to eat less. Right? Right. I need to do non-paying student films and build up a demo-reel. Exciting.

Aaaaand, that's the best I gots for now. I need to go read my fantasy book to make me feel good and kind of escape from babysitting. Not that I don't like babysitting, but I like escaping from any work that isn't performing. It'll always be that way.

Oh no, wait, I have one more thing:

I love watching The Office, the US version. I obviously love the UK version more, it's the original, and it's genius. But the US version has more because that's what Americans are like. More of a mediocre quality instead of less genius quality. It's okay though, because the love story is really good and I've really grown attached to the characters. But now I've seen them all and I literally have to wait for episodes to come out like some common peasant.

Okay, now you blog.

Alone Again

alone again
homeless again

I don't like this. I came here with someone, why am I alone? I don't want this.

People partner up and stay together. I don't like doing things conventionally, but that's one convention I'd love to follow. I want a partner and I want to live with him. How is this a lot to ask?

He says we're lucky, blessed to have had 7 whole weeks together, to have found each other at all. He's right. I like that. I want him back.

I don't understand where he is. Where I am. I came back to the place I've been coming back to for the past 5 weeks and there's no big man to greet me. No one to poke me, no one to tickle me, no one to kiss me, no one to cook for, no one to tease, no one to beat at poker, no one