nostalgia

I wish I could go back to college
In college you know who you are
You sit in the quad
and you think "oh my god,
I am totally gonna go far!"

What a silly concept to ask "who am I?"

but I do. because I don't know sometimes.
I think I do know but I cloud it because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings.
I lose track.

How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
I wish I had taken more pictures...

And put them in a pretty scrapbook to look at at times like these.

Not So Wise

I am trying to learn the language of the world as they say in "The Alchemist."
I don't know how to do that while there are things to do and responsibilities to ...see through.

There's a part in the book where a boy goes to a wise man to learn the path to happiness or the meaning of life or something. When he gets to the wise man's castle, it is bustling and the wise man is talking to many other travelors and advisors and what have you. It takes two hours for the wise man to get to the boy and then he says "I have no time right now to tell you about the meaning of life, but feel free to look around my castle at all the wonderful things I have. I need you to hold on to this spoonful of special oil while you do so and don't drop any." So the boy goes all around the castle for 2 hours, his eyes never leaving the spoonful of oil. When he returns to the wise man, the wise man asks if the boy saw all of his prized possessions. The boy is embarrassed saying he was only focusing on the oil. The wise man told him to enjoy himself around the castle for the next two hours. So he did. And when he got back, the wise man was pleased to hear how much the boy loved all of his wonders but was quick to point out that he had spilled the oil. He said "all I can tell you about the meaning of life is this: find happiness in the things around you, but do not forget about the oil."

What the hell does that mean? I mean, I think I know what it means, but that's like, hard.

In any case, read the Alchemist, I'm enjoying it.

All Shook Up/Question Mark?

My hands are shaking and my knees are weak. That Elvis really knew what he was talking about.

Seriously, I'm having trouble typing.

It just hit me. Hard.

My Swiss hosts just sent me the contract. What am I doing? I'm going to Switzerland for a whole year?
This is happening?

What is this I'm feeling? Fear? Excitement? Curiosity? Nerves? Nausia? Joy? Adventure? Fear?

All of the above. A hell of a lot of fear though. good fear. is there good fear?

I'm signing contracts! I'm signing contracts? Why?

Am I really going to be in the hills I've been dreaming about since I watched the Sound of Music every morning when I was 2? Will they really be alive with the sound of music? Do you remember those mountains? They are amazing! they're like a painting, but they're real and I'm going to prove it!

Not only am I gonna have a new room, a new house, a new family, a new job (NO MORE SERVING!!!)...I'm gonna have a new country!...A NEW CONTINENT! I'm in so much shock.

Why hasn't it hit me before now?

How am I gonna make friends? I'm really shy!

Am I going to watch TV while I'm there? I still have to see what happens to Lorelai and Rory but how can I watch TV when I'm in Switzerland? Do they even have electricity?

Am I going to read? I'll be reading in French!

French?! Will I be able to communicate in French? I have a hard enough time communicating in English!

What if I screw up the lives of the kids?

What if I audition for a play but can't be in it because of my au pair work?

Will I have enough money to buy pretty things and pay off my loan? I'll never have enough money to buy pretty things and pay off my loan.

Will I be a good driver? Will I get the kids in a car crash?

Am I going to turn into a grown up? Don't I want to be with my loved ones while I grow up?

Why am I going somewhere where I will be all alone?

What if I get in a fight with my hosts?

Wow, it feels really good asking all of these questions. I'm a little calmer now, though still short of breath.

What am I gonna do without my mom? My family? My friends? My cat? My lovah? My home?

I'll be back. I'll be back a thousand times hotter than I am now.

But the actual reality of this adventure has me all shook up.

ow.

Grumble grumble. Mmmmgroan. My head. *cough cough* ew. groan. my tummy... rrrrgh.

what the hell happened last night?

vague images of a veil...why am I dressed all in white? groan.

grumble. groan.

oh yeah. fake bachelorette party. groan.

did one of my friends hook up at least? yes...that's him in the shower. uh oh, what if he's still in there when I need the toilet? ugh. moan. toilet.

jaggermeister can kiss my ass.

groan. mmmmoan.

shut up cat.

ow. sitting up hurts.

need kd. groan.

never--and I mean it this time--ever doing that again.

Lost one too many of those brain cell things.

Ode to Skinny Rabbit

Showtime is brilliant. I love reading it. It thrills me.

His kicks are beyond incredible.

The best Hermionick we could have found. Watch him in Clairry Potter and the Goblet on Fire. Forget everyone else. He's the one who will make you laugh and cry and hurl.

My cousin.

He thinks he just can't do it alone--but he can.

He can shimmy with the best of them.

He's a pure divo.

He would make out with himself in the mirror like Sarah Silverman.

He eats pizza better than anyone I know.

He has the most amazing stuff. (including Golden Girls and the Muppet Show on DVD!)

The father of my cat.

I'm assuming he has a giant penis.

I taught him how to stage kiss--but he didn't need teaching.

He spends money like there's no tomorrow, but when the time came to step up and pay off his loan, he came through.

He thinks he can do it alone, but he gets by with a little help from his friends.

What a beautiful, talented, bright eyed, interesting, intelligent, pretty, sexual, skinny, silly, hilarious, crazy kid!

Do You Believe In Magic?

I love books. I mostly love books about books. I just started writing a book about books. and book lovers. I don't know what the plot is gonna be but it starts in a bookstore. any ideas? magical ideas? I can't write about a magical ring or sword or locket or wardrobe or flower. it's really tough to be original. how can I get them to another world in a way that's never been done before? and then I need a message. so far, it seems to be heading toward believing in magic and being a good friend. and reading.

books make me cry. they make me worry. they make me obsess. they make me shiver. they change my dreams at night and the way I view the world.

I don't like being in the audience of a theatre because I would rather be a part of the play. but being a part of the behind the scenes of a book involves writing it. I love being in the audience of a book, but it's bitter sweet because I want to be a part of the story. stories that can't happen. Do you know how many times I've tried to move things in my mind like Matilda? or looked in wardrobes? or tried to get sucked into the blank pages of a book? though I know it can't happen, it's so dissapointing when it doesn't.

I'm sure there are some things you wish were true, even if they're not as childish.

Oh well, maybe in writing a magical story about how "life isn't magical until one day..." I'll feel like it's a little more magical.

A Whole New World

Oh no! My roommate is Ariel, and I used to be Belle! (not for real like Miss Pants, just that I read and walk and...am her.) But now, with black hair, I am forced to remember my Arabic roots and be Jasmine. It's not so bad, but now I have to lose weight if I'm gonna wear her costume.

Snow White

2 things. 1) My lovah smells right now. His breath, his pits. He stinks. He's allowed to, it's morning before his shower.

2) My hair is now black. I'm very pleased with it as my transformation back into the warrior princesse I am begins. Now I just have to wait until it grows and then relearn how to fight. And float. And travel between worlds.

Stuff anyone?

I like people because of their stuff.

It sounds shallow, I know this, but "stuff" can mean so many things. For example, my fellow mermaid has a hell of a lot of stuff; she has corsets, frilly dresses, jewelry, fairies hanging from her ceiling, perfumes, a piano, nail polish, video game figurines, video games, pretty pictures, paint, games, a good printer, nice shoes, the best hair anyone will ever have, sparkly things to go in her hair, cool journals, cool pens to go with the journals, a kilt, a digeridoo, more lingerie than you can imagine, etc. I like her stuff and I like her because of her stuff. They are a window into who she is. Is that shallow? I can't tell sometimes, because I'm blinded by her stuff.

My former roommate (Neenia) does not have a lot of stuff. The stuff she has, I am obsessed with. Every simple, clean shirt she has is a wonder to me and the few pictures on her walls (her old walls) constantly amazed me. Her favourite movies (I still have Center Stage and Footloose--woops!) are often off the shelf as she or I or we are watching them all the time. Plus she has marshmallows or chocolate almonds or pita and hummus. I like her for those things. They are a part of who she is.

My oldest friend (as in I've known her the longest) is obsessed with making her own bath stuff. She has essential oils up the wazoo and a pestal and mortar with which she mixes stuff.

My brother has a super organised binder with every CD and every movie he owns. He brings it everywhere he goes.

My lovah has nice blazers that he looks good in. He has huge text books. He has Absynthe on a shelf next to a painting he is working on. He has a flask. He has an old type writer. He wants a bassoon very badly.

Gilbert's Girl has arts and crafts enough for a day care. She has a library. She has a pot of boiling water and a towl that she uses to steam her voice before she has to sing. She has a stuffed Simba. She has adorable PJ's.

My friend from the renaissance faire has a crazy buffy collection. She has fuzzy hand cuffs and a cat o' nine tails. Everything she has is green and black.

My old funny friend has a JTT lampshade. She has a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pillow case. She has Archie "Gag Bag" comics all over her wall.

If I haven't mentioned you, be sure I am in love with your stuff. Be sure I love you for your stuff. I hope that's not a bad thing.

That gets me thinking about my stuff, I have a pretty good collection, I think. I have a drum, I have 4 Superman lunchboxes and 23 Superman shirts, I have all the children's books you'll need. I have Aladdin, A Goofy Movie, The Little Mermaid and Newsies. I have a cat (he counts as stuff). I have a quill and ink. I have a book called Fairyopolis. I have the kind of candle holder you take down the hall at night in a creepy mansion and a white nightgown that goes with it. I have a magic wand. I have a lot of ribbons. I have red ballet shoes. I have scrapbooks. I have a turtle stool called Antonio Banderes. I have beautiful copies of Treasure Island and Peter Pan. I have a picture of me in an other world. I have a guitar named Cherry. I have a reversable corset. I have pirate boots. I have a small statue of a woman with hair down to her feet.

Hmm. I was going to say I wasn't happy with my stuff, that my stuff was cluttered and meaningless. But I have amazing stuff. I love me for my stuff. I am going to do my best to store it well, display it well. My stuff is a window into who I am.

Books, Dreams, Trains and Noses

Ah. I've just spent a glorious few days at my lovah's cottage. We went swimming and rowing and biking and driving and walking. I ate the most wonderful meals (his mother is a goddess in the kitchen) and saw a giant bull frog. I didn't have a book. I forgot the book I was reading (Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen) at my cousin's house. That is such a horrible thing, to lose a book. I felt like I was stripped from my world and the people I had grown used to.

I got a cd back that I had leant out and it makes me feel so comfortable.

I had a very, very scary dream involving the destruction of my workplace by a bad guy and I didn't know who was involved with him. it ended with my dad shooting strange missiles into the ground while chanting about armageddon. I don't know what that means, but it was horrible. Then, later in the morning, I dreamed that I couldn't find my place, I didn't know where I belonged in a strange school I somehow ended up in. I found my best friend who usually feels more out of place than I do and she was with a group of jazz musicians. They all looked so happy and I was so surprised to find that she found her place before I did, without even telling me or helping me. I was to take the jazz class and my best friend's group said there were no places left except one by a microphone and I had to take that one. We played "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing" and I rocked it. The director made all the other singers stop to listen to me. Because I was taking risks. That made me feel good.

My lovah wanted to go for a bike ride with his little brother but my ass was still hurting from my own horrible bike ride the day before so I stayed back. As I said, I didn't have a book, so I found some paper and a pen and I wrote for two hours. I continued a story I had going that I thought I couldn't write anymore. But once I started, it wrote itself. I just need the middle now and a hell of a lot of dialogue. I know the atmosphere of the dialogue but not what they're actually saying...oh well. It'll write itself, I hope.

Trains suck. They are too expensive and if your phone runs out of power so you can't even play blockbreaker they are boring. I did like the snack trolley. I wish it was the Hogwarts Express I was riding, instead of Via Rail. I would love to be a professor at Hogwarts. I bet I would be a great charms teacher. Does that mean I'd have to be in Ravenclaw? I always tell people that I'm in Gryffendor, but I often question my own bravery. My lovah thinks I'm brave.

My nose is stuffed up. I would be talking funny if I were talking. By dose is stuffy. that's what I'd say.

I don't want to work toborrow. I hade serving. I get to babysit dext week and for the dext 6 weeks after. thed I get to teach a 6 year old girl and a 2 year old boy how to speak English. ID SWITZERLAND!

I'b going to try to clear my dose daturally but I will probably reduce to bedical bethods like otrivib. I'b addicted to that stuff.

Good dight.

someone holds me safe and warm...

i'm typing with one hand. wanna know why? because there is a two-week-old boy in my arms. i am so happy i'm struck dumb. i only have the voice to hum "once upon a december" from anastacia. he likes that song.

this is bad. i want one and i'm ready for one. but my life isn't.

Josie and the Pussycats

Is it bad when my songs want to copy really bad chick rock?

Cheesy Good Ending

I'm drunk.

Bedroom Prince is finally back and we had a karaoke good time.

I'm the laziest person I know. There are dishes to be done, passports to get, drivers licenses to get, litters to change, laundry to be done, calls to be made, emails to be sent, songs to be written, cords to be bought, shelves to be put up, cats to be brushed...that's all I can think of right now because pizza is taking over the part of my brain that thinks.

Mmm I would like some pizza. What kind? Not Pizza Hut, too greasy. Maybe the kind from pizza pizza because I could get garlic dipping sauce. Maybe Amato's because I'd feel healthier.

There's no one home but me and the cat. Is it bad that all I wanna do is watch TV and eat pizza? I'm supposed to say "all I wanna do is have some fun" but I don't. What's wrong with me?

I guess I could go for some sex. But it would be lazy sex and there had better be some chocolate afterwards.

Why can't I just get paid millions of dollars for dressing like a pirate, looking hot, singing and gaining weight at the speed of sound?

I need to watch RENT again. I sang Out Tonight and Another Day tonight. This wanker who's a good singer who I thought was cool put my name in for Another Day. We were pretty good except I lost my voice halfway through due to some smokers just out the door. Oh well. The point is, I should listen to Mimi, not Roger. I need to do stuff that isn't watching TV. I can't say "another day."

No day but today.

Empty Head

I'm sitting at my computer with one towl around my waist and one around my head. I just had a shower, I'm about to get ready for work, I thought "I have enough time to blog a little." I have nothing to say. Nothing to think even. Know what's in my head? "D'ya ever laugh when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?!"

Oh...oh...yup, here's a thought: I wish I were a guy so I could get more parts. hmm...I should get an agent and try my luck before I make any rash decisions.

Ooooh. Here they come. The thoughts. The thoughts that haunt me every day. It's too early for my constant stomach ache!

Responsibility.

Sick.

Entertain me please! get my mind out of hell!

A Day In The Life

Um...so one of my friends is a very bad influence on me! In a very short period of time, I've bought a superman shirt, 3 peices of lingerie, earrings (with Belle on them!), another shirt, a bra, red ballet shoes (awesome) and boots. And I know there's more to be bought. I don't like shopping because I'm indecisive and broke...but I've been having too much fun. Today I bumped into baseball hottie and wanted to make out with him. He just compliments me so much! He's such an ego booster! And I don't feel bad using him to boost my ego, because everything he says is a line! Whatever. I feel fat right now. My hair is too short. But I look good in my new fairy nightgown.

I'm annoyed that I'll be in Switzerland when the first year of the new renaissance faire will be on. I'm very much looking forward to making a legendary character that will be remembered forever.

I'm horny for the stage.

I learned a Shakespeare monologue just because.

I'm gonna go listen to Avenue Q and help my roomie make a mermaid tail.

Then I'm gonna make pasta so that it'll be worth it to be fat.

Estoy Calliente

I wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt with a stranger. Hot. Flirting is hot. The chase is hot. Undressing with your eyes is hot. Lightly brushing knees is hot. Eyes locking is hot.

I wanna go to a nude beach. Wait, is it like super sexually charged there? Or is everyone desensitised? Because that would be boring. I'm in the mood to be turned on!

Crossed The Nerd Line

I just spent the day in a corset. That's always the best kind of day.

Two of my friends and I (kind of known by one person as the Rainbow Club) went into the woods in pirate garb and took pictures. We were in character the whole time. Why? Because it's awesome. I was called Lilly Lovegoode, the ship's whore, and there was also Milady Captain Eleanor and the crew assassin Olivia the Ominous. We were so amazing.

I love stories. I love acting out stories. Why is that? Can someone tell me why it thrills me so?

The story I have about the Forgotten World that will one day be a TV show sends shivers to my very core and I lose my breath just thinking about it. One day I will tell you the tragic tale of my true love, or the hilarious predicament that got a village named after me, or the loss of my dagger, or the frightening tale of a friend who saves me, or the clever man who actually managed to trick me, or the extremely impressive way I kill people, or the evil spell that cannot be lifted, or the fall of a beloved kingdom...

You'll know all these stories in time when you see them on TV. I hope they bring you at least half as much joy as they do me.

What gets you excited?

Mermaids and Point Shoes...and other pretties...

Okay. Here's the thing. I signed up for Adsense or something. You may be aware of those little ads at the top of my pretty pink blog page. 2 things, actually, about them:

1) could you please click on them no matter what they are? You don't have to look at them, just click on them, and I should get some money. Because, I don't want them there if I'm not getting paid.

2) they're taylored to my posts! Whatever I write about, they're about! How cool is that? Very cool, you say? Well, you'd be wrong. I was wrong, once. I thought it was cool, too, but it's not. They're super duper embarrassing. I said something tiny about depression, like the weather threw me into a state of depression, and the ads were about therapy and depression treatment! I'm not depressed! I felt depressed! God, everyone does! Jerks. Once it was about point shoes! That was awesome. Once it was about broadway! Sweet! So I'm going to write a lot about mermaids, and maybe they'll put an ad up for a mermaid lagoon on sale.

Mermaids are the most beautifullest creatures in the sea, nay the world. they must have long hair. Their hair does not have to match their tail, but they do have to look good together. I like mermaids with purple hair and some dark gothic-y purple ish black tails. I also like the classic green tail red hair ariel mermaids. Mermaids sing beautifully, if eerily. I particularly like the ones in Hook!

There. I hope that'll do.

So Cool

Dude. I didn't need to go to work today. I read the schedule (that I made) wrong and didn't need to go in. It's tomorrow that I work. Dude.

Oh well.

I honestly have a new outlook on life. I don't know how it happened. Sometime during my nap on the bus to see my mom, somewhere between Finch and Wellington, something clicked. I looked at my life and decided: I'm cool with it. Yup, I'm gonna do yoga in the morning, sit ups in the evening...and Arther in the afternoon...what? no. But really. I'm cool if I try to eat better, I'm cool when I get my hello kisses from my lovah, I'm cool to work to pay off my debts which gave me the wonderful experience that was theatre school, I'm cool with freaking out about going away, I'm cool with having picnics, I'm cool with watching Zoolander at 1 with my sister Mermaid, I'm cool with driving lessons I can't afford, I'm cool with mango salsa, I'm cool with blogging, I'm cool with my new cell phone, I'm cool with singing, I'm cool with the rain.

I don't think this is a "lady doth protest too much" situation, because I really feel cool. But if it is all some sort of defence mechanism, then I'm cool with that.

Glory Room

Now that my lovah has moved into the mathouse, my life is in a heightened state of disorder. I've decided to stop caring though. I'm always always always going to be flustered, discombobulated, unorganised and messy. I've just got to find my bearings within the chaos. I can do that.

I've been so absolutely lazy these past...23 years. I told my lovah I need to get out of my funk. He said I need to "do stuff" and that I think about it too much. Looking at what needed to be unpacked I freaked out. He said not to think about it and just do things that you don't like. I hate that. I'm doing my best not to think about going to work today. And finding a way to get out of work on Saturday, it's my friend's birthday. And calling Rogers. And Hydro. And the gym. And my grandma. And Royal Bank. And driver's ed. And and and.

I'm not thinking about it. I'm thinking about Richard and Kahlan finding each other again. I'm thinking about Ron and Hermione finally hooking up. I'm thinking about Switzerland. I'm thinking about Bedroom Prince finally coming home. I'm thinking about Neenia returning again. I'm thinking about Skinny Rabbit lying in my Davisville bed. I'm thinking about my lovah cooking me dinner. I'm thinking about Maureen and Joanne fighting. I'm thinking about having a million dollars. I'm thinking about my camping trip that was too short. I'm thinking about singing. I'm thinking about ...I'm losing it. Oh no! I don't want to go to work! Why? Why do I have to go serve people stupid food?

I'll do it. I'll go. I need the money, that's why!

I will be a voluntary slave for a couple more years and if I don't have enough money to survive doing what I love then...well, then, I'll just have to get a sugar daddy.

I have the glory room It's huge. My lovah and I are excited about it. One of my best friends lives just upstairs but our schedules are opposite. I'm off to work while she sleeps, and by the time I get home, she's off to work, and by the time she gets home, I'm sleeping. I should switch to nights.

Alright I actually have to work now. Mimi from the musical totally sucks compared to Mimi from the movie. I'm sorry but it's true. Usually, I'm a sucker for originals but when it comes to musicals, the film people just seem to know what they're doing more. Here are a list of movie musicals that are better than the stage versions: The Sound of Music, Grease, Hair, Rocky Horror, Annie, Rent (although, I'm sure seeing it live is amazing). I can't wait for the Hairspray movie to come out, though I'm nervous. I saw the musical twice and I love it so so much. I don't want them to change anything. they can add stuff, even remove stuff, but PLEASE don't change anything!

Okay, okay, I'm going.

I'm leaving now. My shoes are on.

...Fine. Bye.