What do you want from me? My last post was super serious! I feel like I have nothing just because I don't have any money! For people who have it, or who are getting by, it may not seem like anything, it may seem funny that I'm counting pennies to take the subway, that I'm avoiding my roommates, some friends, the bank, the creditors and my own poor mother, that I'm going into banks and begging for loans that they shouldn't give me, that I'm lying to EVERYONE about anything to do with money and hurting people who don't deserve it in the process. But it's not funny at all. It's devastating.
I really feel like I've hit rock bottom, but the worst part is, there's far lower to go! I could get myself and my roommates evicted and have to live with my mom who has no room for me. And she doesn't really have to take me in because I, for lack of a more fitting word, steal from her. Consistently. And she can't afford me anyway. So there is lower to go and I'm afraid that there's some ridiculous Karma rule that I have to end up as low as I can go before I'm allowed to get better again. Not better, not again, I've never been good. I mean I have to hit the bottom before I can rise up a little for the first time. I know what to do now, really. I'm a law clerk! I make money! But I can't catch up! I don't know what to do to get myself to the point where I can do what I know to do. You know?
I talk a lot about winning the lottery, being a trophy wife, a gazillionaire. Oh the things I could do! I could own a private jet and see EG whenever I wanted! I could take my best friends on shopping sprees around the world! I could start a theatre, a warrior princesse TV show, a movie production company, a children's book store, a music label, a campaign against directors who only cast skinny people! I could get a personal trainer, a nutritionist, a personal chef, a stylist, a tailor! I could have a castle that comes to life with the wave of a wand and choice latin words spoken only in my voice. I could have a condo in Toronto, London, New York, a cottage in BC, on the Isle of Wight, somewhere in New Zealand...
I could have all those things, but I'm not asking for them. I just want to start fresh. I just want to be at zero.
Is that so much to ask?
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3 comments:
that's my christmas wish too. starting from zero. i'm doing okay with the bills, but the debt is scaring me.
i get it. i get it. it sucks. you have to set out a budget and a long term plan. go to the bank and ask them for help. it's a slow go - and a big time reality check, but you have to or you will go insane. don't buy christmas gifts - do something creative instead - take care of you first. and sometimes one just has to work 3 jobs for a while and have absolutely no social life to get a handle on things (i did that once)... just think of it all as temporary - but deal with it now. good luck!
Now THIS is a blog! ArtsMonkey is right. I did it. I'm doing it again. Call me so we can talk about this further.
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