Just a Girl

Just as I predicted. I'm in heaven.

Pure bliss.

Interrupted occasionally with near tear experiences triggered by sudden fear of never seeing this perfect man ever again, or the terrifying fact that he says I'm "the best," something my ex insisted on saying in lieu of "I love you."

I've had friends explain why I neeeeeed to hear the words. I've had friends say it's unimportant, and I've had friends look immediately bewildered, angry and worried upon learning he hasn't said it yet.

I want not to neeeeeed him to say it. But I want him to say it. Will it solve all my problems if he simply says it? If I hear him say it, will it make me believe he'll want to see me again? That he'll try to see me again? That he'll want to move here? That he'll continue to keep me wet all day long and fuck me mercilessly all my life? That he'll support me forever and keep me warm and safe in his big arms for as long as we both shall live?

I don't think so. I would not expect all those things if he told me he loved me. So why does he feel all the pressure? Is that the problem? That he feels pressure? I'm pretty pushy about this, I guess. I scared the last one. But this one's different. He doesn't scare so easily.

So what's the problem? Does he not love me? Has he met me? What's not to love?

Does he just not say it? To anyone, ever? If we get to be together forever, I wouldn't mind if he never said it.

So someone remind me why I neeeeed to hear it? He's HERE. It was hell to get him here, on my side and on his. He's happy here. Happy with me.

Qu'est-ce que fuck is my problem?????

But also, qu'est-ce que fuck is his problem? Why won't he just say it????? This is agony! Looking up into his perfect light marble blue eyes and watching him kiss my hand with the softest deep pink plush lips in the world, hearing his views on anything, the fact that he makes football seem like an art, the fact that he worships my voice, tells me never to let anyone make me feel bad because I'm an "amazing woman," reading his brilliant paper, his arrogance, his wonky tooth, his accent, his manners, his mannerisms, his long body, his nakedness, his dick, his nose, his gifts, his surprises, his sharpness, his softness, his oohs, his kisses.

The best kind of agony, but agony nonetheless.

That makes it sound like not heaven, not bliss. It is heaven, it is bliss.

I'm just a girl.