Waxing Philosophical

Oh, lovahs. What's the deal?

My lovah and I watched a stupid chick flick that made me sad. All movies make me cry no matter what. No matter how cheesy, I am completely succeptable to whatever they want me to feel. I cried like a baby at the end of Aquamarine.

Anyway, at the end of Something's Gotta Give, my lovah mistook my tears and anger at the opposite sex. He thought I was specifically sad and angry at him and he said something like "well, I just don't know now."

What?

That's not what we were talking about at all!

"...you...don't ...know...now?"

Something about he doesn't know now if I'm for sure the one. If what we have is true love. But you don't believe in true love! But I'm starting to again. But that's so much worse! But I just don't know now.

What?

So you're starting to believe that there is true love, but you don't think I'm your true love.

We came to the understanding that he believes in true love but not enough to feel it yet. He told me that, in high school, such huge concepts made him go a little crazy and he repressed all possible colossal ideas like true love, infinity, afterlife and things like that. What a loser.

Anyway. Of course, we all have doubts. And his, I am convinced, are rooted in the fact that he thinks age dictates preparedness. His mother and father, two people who are absolutely perfect for each other and in the truest of love, believe that they are only as happy together as they are because they didn't get together until they were 30. 30 is the magic number. Really? That's a little silly and specific for EVERYONE don't yout think?

And I'd be totally fine with it if I wasn't raised the exact opposite way. The way that you are to be married with at least one kid before you're 25. 25 is the magic number. Somehow, 25 is the opposite of 30. What's five years? Why can't either of us compromise our stupid teachings?

I don't even want to get married right now. I'm totally fine with our open relationship, as is he! He even said he gets really excited about having a house with me and kids and raising them with me. With our decision that we are both fine with and the fact that we both think it will be great to get married, what the hell do I care what happens in the meantime!?

I was also raised to believe that when you find the one, you know. If it's true love, it's true love! What the fuck is up with that? As much as I'd love to believe it, we're not in a fairy tale! And believe me, I want to be, that's why I'm so obsessed with true knight in shining armour romance on a brige in paris under the stars love. But that's ridiculous. I'm allowed to have doubts and when I do, my love for my lovah is not lessened. It is not less than the love of the people who claim they don't have doubts. There's some truth in "knowing when you know" and there's romance in that, but there's an equal amount of truth and romance in thinking about it, testing the waters together, exploring together, becoming best friends, doing what is right together, spending time apart, coming back together, supporting each other.

Half of me wants the kind of love where you would just die if you were separated from your lovah. The other half of me laughs at such a notion. The first half weeps constantly at the thought that my lovah might find someone with whom true love sparks, the other half is certain it will be with me when he opens that part of him again. Yet another half thinks it is all trivial bullshit and we will agree that it is trivial bullshit and stay together because we have fun.

I think that's what it boils down to. Fun.

That has to be what it's all about. And in that case, I am as rich as can be.

...But of course there's the half that really wants a partner. And then the other half tells me I have one.

Girls have serious issues--and I know this is going through girls' minds everywhere.

Having said all that in blog form, I look over at my lovah, and he smiles such a sweet, simple smile that my eyes flood.

We'll see.