Manic Like Jim Carrey

How can one person feel so incredibly blah?

It's not even any specific time of the month when this usually happens. This Sunday I felt so excited, so positive about life, about the future. And all of a sudden, everything hit me, it all overwhelmed me. I don't even know what hit me.

On Tuesday, I got a horrible tip which made me sad about work. Then there were TTC problems and those always get me down. But this down? I thought it might be that my big book just finished and so I bought a new one. It's wonderful! I'm still down.

My lovah moved in and that should have been great, but my bad mood made it difficult to...be in a good mood. And then I felt bad about being in a bad mood around him which made my mood worse.

Today I got to do what I love (be in a room where everybody was talking about and performing Shakespeare) and so I was happy. (Most of them...all of them had trouble with it so I even had the satisfaction of helping people understand it!) Within the famous acting class circle, everyone shared great cathartic memories which I was so greatful to hear. But of course, I didn't really get to share because I was just there to listen. So when each person's memory struck one of my own, I had to hold it in. May I share one with you?

This summer, my Grandpa got really sick. We knew he was going to die. He was a record producer and he loved loved musical theatre. When we were in the hospital (for like a week) I thought to sing to him (because I think to sing to everyone) and he, in his incoherent way, asked for "Just My Bill." So I sang Bill and after the first chorus, he mumbled: "the next time, do it faster and heavier!" So I sang the second half fast and heavy with him trying to sing along. It was awesome.

That's the good part. But he looked so vulnerable. There was a time when the nurse came in and started to explain something that the doctor was about to do and he said "is that good or bad?" and it was the most helpless I've ever heard anyone sound. I didn't go back to the hospital and I was so thankful when he died. He didn't need to be like that anymore.

Thanks, it's been weighing on me.

But I'm still down.

Why am I choosing to be alone when there's a giant group of people I can be with?

Okay, now I have to write something good to balance this depressing crap out.

um...I just ate peanut butter and chocolate pudding at the same time. I used to do it in high school. So that was pleasantly nostalgic.

I love the way Newman on Seinfeld says "a banker!"

Dude, I'm usually fabulous. Check out my other posts. I just suck today.

No day but today...