Have I already had that title? I feel like I have because I've had this issue forever.
I have a few things to confess. The reasons I say I want to be fit -- for my health, my happiness, energy, because I'd rather run around all day than sit down all day, my career -- are all true, but they are NOT the only reasons. I will now tell you the terrible reasons that are also true:
*EG would find me sexier if I were fitter. We could have sex standing up. I'd be at his level of fitness. I'd be at his level of hotness.
*I'm jealous of one of my best friends who used to look like me and now looks like a model. A teeny, tiny model in skinny jeans. I find myself thinking horrible thoughts like "well, her boobs are way smaller now."
I'm trying guys. I am. I go to yoga, I go to Burlesque Aerobics, I eat so much better than before! I pretty much cut out bread -- I only eat wraps about once a week. I cut out milk because people were freaking me out about the hormones. I eat vegetables. I don't eat pasta or rice. My cookie habits have lessened enormously. Literally, like 2 cookies a week.
After all this, I think I'm gaining weight. I always thought giving up bread would be the last resort. I mean, you know I've tried eating well and working out and it's not working, I've always got quitting bread on the back burner. So now I've quit and qu'est-ce que fuck? Why is my tummy still so big? Why can't I fit into size 30 jeans?
So here's my newest plan: I'm going on a ridiculous fast/cleanse that has to last at least 6 days. No more than 20. No more than 20! it says! 20 fucking days of no food?!? Why do they have to put a maximum? Who wants to fast for more than 20 days? They say you'll resist getting off the fast because you feel such euphoria. I'd fucking better. During the fast, I have to do 20 minutes of cardio/day. Fine, easy.
So...is there anything else I can do? I mean, should I just start throwing up after every meal?
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5 comments:
1) I thought EG found you sexy the way you are.
2) Burlesque Aerobics? Yes please, Mrs. Addams!
3) I don't understand why you've been so good (good for you!) and haven't lost the weight. Maybe these things take time. Maybe your body needs to adjust to the shift in patterns? Do 100 sit ups every days before you wake up and before you go to bed. I have no real answers.
1) He does. He says "you're so sexy" all the time. But he's obsessed with his own fitness and it would be great if we matched each other. And it would be great if I were light enough for stand-up sex.
2) it's more fun that you can imagine. The teacher is like a tiny little tiger who can't stop giggling! And her name is Melody Mangler. Youtube that shit.
3)Since I haven't been weighing myself, I could be wrong. I have a friend who lost a lot of weight and said the flub I feel in my hands when I squeeze my tummy could just be extra skin and it'll take a while for it to tighten up. I hope she's right. I will do my hundred sit-ups right now, thank you very much!
no no no no no!!! (to fasting) be patient-- the healthy eating/exercise plans always take a while to kick in. . . and the cleanses trigger fantasies of ridiculous nutella bingeing (or maybe that's just me, with my gigantic family sized jar calling my name in the cupboard). and remember, the sexier you feel, the sexier you'll be-- skinny jeans or no. (and feeling sexy to start with always helps the diet . . . the weight-loss catch 22)
Try swimmming. And tuna. I've noticed that the combination of those two have had positive effects on my body.
P.C. You're bod is hot. Just remember Mein Herr in Cabaret - I wish there was a video of it that you could show E.G.
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